by Tom Stoppard
Attend his majesty!
LADY MACBETH:
A kind good-night to all!
(Lights down.)
MACBETH:
It will have blood, they say; blood will have blood.
Stones have been known to move and trees to
speak;
And betimes I will—to the weird sisters.
More shall they speak; for now I am bent to
know
By the worst means the worst.
(Thunder and lightning. Three WITCHES.)
WITCHES:
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
1ST WITCH:
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
(Enter MACBETH.)
MACBETH:
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!
What is’t you do?
WITCHES:
A deed without a name.
MACBETH:
I conjure you, by that which you profess,
Howe’er you come to know it, answer me—
1ST WITCH:
Say if thou’dst rather hear it from our mouths
Or from our masters.
MACBETH:
Call ’em. Let me see ’em.
(The ‘Apparitions’ of Shakespeare’s play are here
translated into voices, amplified and coming from
different parts of the auditorium. Evidently
MACBETH can see the ‘Apparition’ from
which each voice comes. Thunder.)
1ST VOICE:
Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, beware Macduff!
Beware the Thane of Fife! Dismiss me. Enough.
MACBETH:
Whate’er thou art, for thy good caution, thanks;
Thou hast harped my fear aright.
2ND VOICE:
Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth!
MACBETH:
Had I three ears, I’d hear thee.
2ND VOICE:
Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn
The power of man; for none of woman born
Shall harm Macbeth.
MACBETH:
Then live Macduff; What need I fear of thee?
(Thunder.
Exit WITCHES.)
What is this
That rises like the issue of a king,
And wears upon his baby brow the round
And top of a sovereignty?
CHILD’S VOICE:
Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care
Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are;
Macbeth shall never vanquished be, until
Great Birnam Wood to high Dunsinane Hill
Shall come against him.
MACBETH:
That will never be.
Who can impress the forest, bid the tree
Unfix his earth-bound root? Yet my heart
Throbs to know one thing:
WITCHES:
(Off-stage) Seek to know no more.
Show his eyes and grieve his heart;
Come like shadows, so depart.
MACBETH:
Where are they? Gone! Let this pernicious hour
Stand aye accursed in the calendar.
Come in, without there.
(Enter LENNOX.)
LENNOX:
What is your grace’s will.
MACBETH:
Saw you the weird sisters?
LENNOX:
No my lord.
(EASY passes window.)
MACBETH:
Who was’t come by?
LENNOX:
’Tis two or three my lord, that bring you word
that
Macduff’s fled to England.
MACBETH:
Fled to England?
(EASY enters timidly.)
EASY: Useless … useless … Buxtons cake hops… artichoke almost Leamington Spa … [*Afternoon … afternoon … Buxtons blocks and that … lorry from Leamington Spa.]
‘MACBETH’: What?
(General light, OTHERS, but not MALCOLM or MACDUFF, approach out of curiosity, ‘MACBETH’ says to HOSTESS.)
Who the hell is this man?
HOSTESS: (TO EASY.) Who are you?
(EASY has his clipboard which he offers.)
EASY: Buxton cake hops.
HOSTESS: Don’t sign anything.
EASY: Blankets up middling if season stuck, after plug-holes
kettle-drummed lightly A412 mildly Rickmansworth—
clipped awful this water ice, zig-zaggled—splash quarterly
trainers as Micky Mouse snuffle—cup—evidently knick-knacks
quarantine only if bacteriologic waistcoats crumble
pipe—sniffle then postbox but shazam!!!! Even platforms—
dandy avuncular Donald Duck never-the-less minty
magazines! [*Translation—see page 20 ]
(Pause)
‘MACBETH’: Eh?
(EASY produces a phrase book and starts thumbing through it.)
EASY: (Triumphantly) Ah!
(He passes the HOSTESS his phrase book, indicating what she
should read. She examines the page.)
HOSTESS: He says his postillion has been struck by lightning.
EASY: Hat rack timble cuckoo pig exit dunce!
‘MACBETH’: What?
EASY: Dunce!
‘MACBETH’: What?
EASY: Cuckoo pig exit what.
(Nodding agreeably.) Cake hops properly Buxtons.
(The HOSTESS flips through the book.)
HOSTESS: Cake hops.
EASY: Cake hops.
HOSTESS: Timber or wood.
EASY: Timber or wood—properly Buxtons.
HOSTESS: I’m so sorry about this …
EASY: Right. Timber or wood—properly Buxtons. I’m so sorry
about this.
(He opens shutters to reveal his lorry.)
Ankle so artichoke—almost Leamington Spa.
LENNOX: Oh. He’s got a lorry out there.
HOSTESS: Lorry load of wood or timber.
EASY: I’m so sorry about this.
HOSTESS: Don’t apologize.
EASY: Don’t apologize.
LENNOX: Oh, you do speak the language!
EASY: Oh, you do speak the language.
‘MACBETH’: No—we speak the language!
EASY: We speak the language.
LENNOX: Cretin is he?
EASY: Pan-stick-trog.
(Everybody leaves.
Enter MALCOLM AND MACDUFF.)
MALCOLM:
Let us seek out some desolate shade, and there
Weep our sad bosoms empty.
MACDUFF:
Let us rather
Hold fast the mortal sword; and like good men
Bestride our down-fallen birthdom. Each new morn
New widows howl, new orphans cry, new sorrows
Strike heaven on the face, that it resounds
As if it felt with Scotland, and yelled out
Like syllable of dolour.
MALCOLM:
This tyrant, whose sole name blisters our tongues,
Was once thought honest.
MACDUFF:
Bleed, bleed, poor country!
(Police siren is heard in distance.)
MALCOLM:
It weeps, it bleeds, and each new day a gash
Is added to her wounds.
MACDUFF:
O Scotland, Scotland!
O nation miserable,
With an untitled tyrant, bloody-sceptred,
When shalt thou see thy wholesome days again.
See who comes here.
(Siren stops.)
MALCOLM:
My countryman; but yet I know him not.
(The police car has been mailing on its way back. INSPECTOR enters.)
MACDUFF:
Stands Scotland where it did?
INSPECTOR: Och aye, it’s
a braw bricht moonlicht nicked, and so
are you, you haggis-headed dumbwits, hoots mon ye must
think I was born yesterday. (He drops the accent: to the
audience)—Stay where you are and nobody use the lavatory…
(CAHOOT enters.)
Cahoots mon! Where’s McLandovsky got himself?
(EASY enters, HOSTESS follows.)
EASY: Useless, git … [*Afternoon, sir …]
INSPECTOR: Who are you, pig-face?
(INSPECTOR grabs him. EASY yelps and looks at his watch.)
EASY: Poxy queen! [*Twenty past ouch.]
Marzipan clocks! [*Watch it!]
INSPECTOR: What?
HOSTESS: He doesn’t understand you.
INSPECTOR: What’s that language he’s talking?
HOSTESS: At the moment we’re not sure if it’s a language or a
clinical condition.
EASY: (Aggrieved) Quinces carparks! (Offering the clipboard.)
Cake-hops—Buxton’s almost Leamington Spa.
HOSTESS: He’s delivering wood and wants someone to sign for it.
EASY: … wood and wants someone to sign for it.
INSPECTOR: Wood?
HOSTESS: He’s got a two-ton artichoke out there.
INSPECTOR: What???
HOSTESS: I mean a lorry.
(CAHOOT taps EASY on shoulder.)
CAHOOT: Useless … [*Afternoon …]
EASY: (Absently) Useless … (then sees who it is.)
Cahoot! Geraniums!? [*How are you!?]
CAHOOT: Gymshoes. Geraniums? [*Fine. How are you?]
EASY: Gymshoes.
CAHOOT: Upside cakeshops? (*Have you brought the blocks?]
EASY: Slab. [*Yes.]
CAHOOT: Almost Leamington Spa? [*From Leamington Spa?]
EASY: Slab, git. Even artichoke. [*Yes, sir. I’ve got a lorry.]
CAHOOT: Cube. [*Thanks.]
(He signs clipboard.)
EASY: Cube, git. [*Thank you, sir.]
INSPECTOR: Just a minute. What the hell are you talking about?
CAHOOT: Afternoon, squire!
INSPECTOR: Afternoon. Who’s your friend?
HOSTESS: He’s the cake-hops man.
INSPECTOR: Well, why can’t he say so?
CAHOOT: He only speaks Dogg.
INSPECTOR: What?
CAHOOT: Dogg.
INSPECTOR: Dogg?
CAHOOT: Haven’t you heard of it?
INSPECTOR: Where did you learn it?
CAHOOT: You don’t learn it, you catch it.
(EASY notices ‘MALCOLM’.)
EASY: Useless. [*Afternoon.]
‘MALCOLM’: Useless … Geraniums?
EASY: Gymshoes. Geraniums?
‘MALCOLM’: Gymshoes … cube …
EASY: (To CAHOOT.) Blankets up middling if senses stuck, after
plug-holes kettle-drummed lightly A412 mildly
Rickmansworth.
‘MALCOLM’: Rickmansworth.
‘MACDUFF’: (To ‘MALCOLM’, heading for the door.) He needs a bit
of a hand …
EASY: Slab.
‘MALCOLM’: (Leaving.) … with the cake-hops …
EASY: Clipped awful this water ice zig-zaggled.
CAHOOT: His mate got struck down by lightning.
HOSTESS: Shazam …
EASY: Slab.
CAHOOT: (Hands EASY the plans.) Albatross. [*Plans.]
(To EASY.) Easy! Brick …
EASY: Slab, git.
CAHOOT: Brick. (He positions EASY for building steps.)
EASY: Brick? [*Here?]
CAHOOT: Cake-hops. Brick.
EASY: Cube, git. [*Thanks, sir.]
CAHOOT/HOSTESS: Gymshoes. [*Excellent.]
INSPECTOR: May I remind you we’re supposed to be in a period
of normalization here.
HOSTESS: Kindly leave the stage. Act Five is about to begin.
INSPECTOR: Is it! I must warn you that anything you say will be
taken down and played back at your trial.
HOSTESS: Bicycles! Plank? [*Ready?]
(To INSPECTOR.) Slab. Gymshoes!
(CAHOOT and HOSTESS leave.
INSPECTOR and EASY are left.)
INSPECTOR: What gymshoes?
EASY: What, git? [*Eleven, sir?]
INSPECTOR: Gymshoes!
EASY: Slab, git.
INSPECTOR: (Giving up.) Useless …
EASY: (Enthusiastically) Useless, git! [*Afternoon, sir!]
INSPECTOR: Right—that’s it! (To ceiling.) Roger! (To the audience.)
Put your hands on your heads. Put your—placay manos—
per capita … nix toiletto!
(’Phone rings. EASY answers, hands it to INSPECTOR.)
EASY: Roger.
INSPECTOR: (Into ’phone.) Did you get all that? Clear as a what?
Acting out of hostility to the Republic. Ten years minimum.
I want every word in evidence.
(LADY MACBETH enters with lighted taper.)
LADY MACBETH: Hat, daisy puck! Hat, so fie! Sum, dock: hoops
malign my cattlegrid! Smallish peacocks!
Flaming scots git, flaming! Fireplace nought
jammy-flits?
(’Phone rings, INSPECTOR picks it up.)
INSPECTOR: (Into ’phone: pause.) How the hell do I know? But if it’s not free expression, I don’t know what is!
(Hangs up.)
LADY MACBETH: (Dry-washing her hands.) Ash-loving pell-mell on.
Fairly buses gone Arabia nettle-rash old icicles nun. Oh oh oh …
[*Here’s the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand…]
(She exits.)
INSPECTOR: (To EASY.) She’s making it up as she goes along.
You must think I’m—
(But EASY is glowing with the light of recognition.)
EASY: … Ah … Macbeth).
(Sound of cannon. Smoke, MACBETH, armed, appears on battlement.)
MACBEIH: Sack-cloth never pullovers!—wickets to flicks.
Such Birnam cakeshops carousals Dunisnane!
… Dovetails oboes Malcolm? Crossly windowframed!
[*Bring me no more reports. Let them fly all
Till Birnam Wood remove to Dunsinane.
What’s the boy Malcolm? Was he not born of woman?]
(’Phone rings, INSPECTOR snatches it.)
INSPECTOR: (Into ’phone.) What? No—crossly window-framed, I think … Hang about—
MACBETH: Fetlocked his trade-offs cried terrain!
Pram Birnam cakehops bolsters Dunisnane!
[*I will not be afraid of death and bane
Till Birnam Forest come to Dunsinane!]
(The back of the lorry opens, revealing MALCOLM and OTHERS within, unloading the blocks etc. INSPECTOR sees this—speaks into walkie-talkie.)
INSPECTOR: Get the chief. Get the chief!
(One or two—Ross, LENNOX—are to get off the lorry to form a
human chain for the blocks and slabs etc. to pass from
MACDUFF in the lorry to EASY building the steps.)
MALCOLM: (To MACDUFF who is in the lorry with him.)
Jugged cake-hops furnished soon? [*What wood is this before us?]
INSPECTOR: (Into walkie-talkie.) Wilco zebra over!
MACDUFF: Sin cake-hops Birnam, git. [*The woods of Birnam, sir.]
INSPECTOR: Green Charlie Angels 15 out.
MALCOLM: State level filberts blacken up aglow … [*Let
every soldier hew him down a bough …]
INSPECTOR: Easy Dogg!
EASY: (To INSPECTOR.) Slab, git?
MALCOM: Fry lettuce denial! [*And bear it before him!]
(MACDUFF and ANOTHER leap off lorry; blocks start flowing
towards EASY, who builds steps.
LADY MACBETH—Wails and crys off-stage.
MESSENGER enters.)
MESSENGER: Git! Margarine distract!
[*The queen, my lord is dead!]
MACBETH: Dominoes, et dominoes, et dominoes,
Popsies historical axle-grease, exacts bubbly fins
crock lavender …
[*Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the
last syllable of recorded time …]
INSPECTOR: (Into ’phone.) Yes, chief! I think everything’s more or less under control chief…
(This is a lie. The steps are building, MACBETH is continuing his
soliloquy, in Dogg: drums and cannons … and—)
MACDUFF: Docket tanks, tarantaras!
[*Make all our trumpets speak!]
(Trumpets sound.
And a MESSENGER rushes in for MACBETH.)
