“I still feel like you should’ve told me when I came home.”
“We planned to tell you when you came back, but then you were arrested for drugs. Your mom didn’t want to ask you for help, but I believed you weren’t selfish.”
My mouth went dry. “I never even considered not helping Mom out.” Even if she still treats me like shit.
“I believe that about you. Everything you wanted to do, I permitted. That group home wasn’t a placement for someone with your charges. I called in favors. However, I refuse to bail you out completely. You need to experience remorse and consequences for your reckless behavior, or you’ll remain as lost as you are now.”
His words hit like a punch. I was lost. I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to the style app. I didn’t know what to do. Yet, knowing my father saw that . . . that I was lost . . . that spoke more to me about consequences and business acumen. He can see me.
“I wish I’d been harder on Jackson, but you’re here and I care about what happens to you. Because I care about you, Shana.”
He’d said that before, that he’d wished he’d been harder on Jackson, but today I heard it differently. His eyes shone, and for the first time I saw my eyes in his. Ours, Jackson said in my head. Dad and I had been boat buddies for years. You taught me how to swim and how to sail.
“You know . . . you could have called me.” The three years away had been the hardest I ever had.
“You were so angry every time I called. I thought you just wanted money.”
I shook my head. “I thought that’s all you wanted to talk about with me.”
“Then we were both wrong,” he said and smiled. “It’s really good to see you here.”
I swallowed. “You too, Dad.” I missed you.
Dad ordered coffee for us, and Nathan and Ruby returned. She pressed the remote for the music to come on. The surround sound came alive, and I bristled at the sound of too much horn. He’s left the eighties and found jazz.
“Nathan here wants to be a district attorney,” Ruby told Dad, sitting down next to him.
Dad grinned. “I was sorry for your arm. You had good seasons with the Giants.”
“Thank you,” Nathan replied.
“Law school should be starting soon. What is your plan?” Dad pressed. He launched into what Nathan needed to do and who he would get him in contact with, and I sympathized.
“Excuse me.” I stood up and took the stairs up to the top-level sun deck.
I pulled off the dress I had on, adjusted my white bikini, and then stretched out on the deck chair. The sun was warm, but the breeze off the water was refreshing. They blended together perfectly.
Ruby appeared and sat on the lounge chair across from me. “I swear retirement is the way to live. Too bad I didn’t get there when I was Nathan’s and your age. He’s a nice man. I hear good things about him and his family around town.”
“I don’t want to talk about Nathan. I don’t hate you, Ruby, but I wish Dad was still with my mom. This may be six months for you, but it’s early days for me.”
She exhaled long. “Listen, I agree they both should have told you sooner. It wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry you found out the way you did.”
I appreciated her empathy. But I still felt bad about Mom and her illness. “Mom’s sick. It doesn’t feel right that Dad’s not involved.”
“I’d never keep Holden from your mom. I hope they can heal their relationship, but everyone deserves happiness in their life. Your dad makes me happy. We’re great friends.”
I did want my dad and mom happy.
Nathan came up. He’d stripped down to his swim trunks, his sculpted muscles and eight-pack abs on display.
“Damn, you’re so hot,” I said to him.
I sat up to give him room to sit down next to me. He pulled my face to his and kissed me.
“That’s my cue to get lost,” Ruby said and left us.
“Holden said we’re stopping soon,” he said when we parted.
I smiled at him and peered out at the beauty of the sun above and the deep blue waters around us. “I’m on a yacht, and some of the girls have never been on a boat. I feel bad working at the group home.”
“I do too. I work to raise funds, but I barely have enough to cover the baseball training, uniforms, and the away camp in San Francisco every year.”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“San Francisco Giants help sponsor an overnight trip to the stadium. They get to practice and then attend a college fair afterward. It’s specially equipped for their advantage with college already having access to their grades and standing. The girls have to keep an above-average GPA. They work hard and have to deal with everything else on their plate.”
Something had been on my mind since I learned Nathan was involved with coaching their team. “Why girls?”
He grinned. “You showed me girls kick ass and need us to work harder to give them the same advantages in sports.”
The boat stopped. Nathan and I went down to find Dad and Ruby, who were already at the back deck, diving into the water.
“When the twins activate, nothing stops us.”
Nathan took my hand.
No, Jackson. I’m here with Nathan.
“I don’t think I can swim in the ocean. I . . . I haven’t since that night,” I stuttered.
“You can try it with me. We had many great times here too. If you are afraid, I won’t leave your side.”
Nathan took my hand and walked me forward. He dove in and swam over by the stairs. “Climb down, and I’ll take your hand.”
His warmth and kindness radiated. I was caught up in it and wanted to try.
Let’s do this.
My hands closed on the handrail, and I climbed down the ladder, filled my lungs with air, and dropped, sinking under the water. Goosebumps broke across my skin from the chill of the sea. I put my arms together above my head and kicked my legs to resurface.
I haven’t forgotten.
Nathan’s head bobbed with the waves above the water. He swam close, and we floated in front of each other. His hair wet, his blue eyes sparkled in the sun.
“You finally made it,” Nathan teased, then kissed me.
My hands hit the water. It splashed up, covering Nathan’s head. His eyes widened, and his mouth formed an “O.”
I laughed.
“You think you’re funny?” Nathan’s smile turned mischievous and his hands covered my head and pushed me under. I stroked my arms and glided under the water.
We swam above, we swam below.
When we climbed back on the boat, I froze. I hadn’t thought about Jackson.
“You all right?” Nathan’s eyes scanned over my face, and he rubbed my shoulders.
My heart swelled. “You’re always checking in and trying to help me. Thank you, Nathan.”
“What are you thanking me for?”
“Everything . . . do you believe in ghosts?” I asked.
“Do you see some?”
I nodded. “I see Jackson.”
His lips curled up in a smile, and his arms closed around my waist. “That makes sense. Most of your life was with him here. I see you and him too.”
“How do you deal with it?”
“I thank God I had you both in my life.”
We hugged each other. I didn’t want to let go.
While I wasn’t thrilled about Dad with Ruby, I couldn’t deny how good the afternoon was. How relaxed and natural things felt with Nathan. I couldn’t believe I’d let myself stay away from him for three years. Every minute we spent together, I learned more about remorse and regret. The more I hoped, the more I wondered, could this be a new beginning for the two of us?
Shana
“What is this?” Mr. Matheson came next to my desk shaking papers.
I continued to type on the keyboard. “You’ll need to be more specific.”
“You corrected the information on the Q-Com proposal. I hadn’t told you to do that.”
“It’s not in the scope of your job.”
I shrugged. “Then throw it away, or do you need a cup of coffee?”
He twisted his mouth. “Just do what you’re hired for . . . I can get my own coffee.”
I eyed the thermos in his hands. But you won’t.
Fawn appeared and I waved. We’d gotten into a routine. We both worked together Monday to Wednesday. On Thursdays and Fridays, we alternated afternoons. This gave me more time for the NA, drug testing, and community service. Today, I needed to stop at the shoe store a few blocks away to pick up sneaker vouchers for the group home. Afterward, Maeve and I had the sci-fi romance series marathon she’d gotten me addicted to.
Buzz. Text message from Maeve.
Maeve: Nurse Sarah called out sick. I’m stuck. Don’t watch RE-BIRTH
Shana: I can’t wait. Sorry.
Maeve: YOU BETTER NOT!
I laughed.
Shana: Just kidding. Of course I’ll wait.
I went to put back my phone and found a ribbon and a key with a note attached.
I thought this would make things easy
Xox Nathan
We’d spent almost every night together for the last week, and it felt as if we’d never been away from each other. We talked and laughed all the way to bed. Nathan had always been an amazing lover, and there had been no one I’d felt more comfortable with or was closer to than him.
I left. Instead of parking at Maeve’s, I parked at Nathan’s. I used his treadmill in his basement gym, then took a shower. Padding downstairs in his T-shirt, I went into his kitchen and poured a cup of iced tea and toasted a bagel to carry outside to the covered back porch-swing. There, I drifted along with the stillness and peace of the surroundings. Truly, this place was perfect.
“The view is beautiful, isn’t it?”
I was startled by Aidan appearing in his fatigues. He looked like Maeve, though his hair was more blond than red, with a military precision cut.
I jumped and gave him a hug. “Hey man, you’re back.”
His blue eyes went wide, and his mouth dropped open. “You’re missing clothes.”
I froze, remembering I only had on a T-shirt.
He pointed to the door. “Go or stay naked. I will only tell everyone once.”
“I’m not naked,” I called over my shoulder, running past him through the door.
“You’re wearing a white T-shirt. The sun is shining bright, and I have good eyesight.”
I changed into the scoop neck shirt and jeans I’d left, then returned. Aidan sat at the table and pointed at the fresh coffee he’d poured and the basket of muffins he’d brought over from the counter.
“Sugar?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I’m drinking iced tea. When did you get back?”
“This morning. I went to visit Mom and Dad. Maeve and Nathan are working, but he told me I could hang here.”
“You were airborne?” I took a sip of my tea.
“I was.” He gave a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, his stare dark and long. War couldn’t be easy. We caught up, and I shared a bit about life here since I’d arrived.
“Maeve said you were staying at her house. I didn’t know you were here. You and Nate together?”
I shrugged. “We’re hanging out.”
“Come on, what are you doing, Shana?”
“What do you mean?”
He shook his head and smirked. “You may be hanging, but you know Nathan’s in love with you. You bring all your problems, and he’s ready to solve them. Anything that might clear the way to make you love him as much as he loves you. No one else. Always you. Hell, he went off the deep end when you left.”
I dropped my head. “We had broken up months before I left.”
“Yeah, you broke up with him, but you didn’t keep in contact. He kept waiting for you to call. He was distraught.”
“I left because I couldn’t stay.” I had hoped Nate would move on to someone else, but I didn’t want to watch him do it.
“Yeah, well, now you can. With Nathan’s history, you should think twice about hurting him.”
My brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“His birth dad left him with his addicted birth mom. Nate kept waiting for him to return too. Used to stare outside when he was little for hours. Took years for him to give up.”
My eyes burned with unshed tears. I knew Nathan was adopted, but the Donleavys made sure no one ever thought of Nathan as anything other than a Donleavy.
“I didn’t know. I should have stayed in touch . . . but he got the Giants. I thought he was doing great.”
“Not without you, you must know that. He can’t move on with you giving him mixed signals. Want some advice?”
“Do I have a choice?” I asked, my jaw tight.
“Cut him off hard,” he said. “Don’t disappear like last time. This time, before you leave, tell him you will never be with him, so he can finally let you go.”
I folded my arms over my churning stomach. “You don’t have to say another word. I get it. You don’t want me with your brother.”
“I do want you with Nathan. Hell, I’d be overjoyed if you stayed and gave my little brother everything he wants. But we all know he’s not enough for you. He bought this home for a woman who loves him and loves being where he loves to be, here in Sunnyville with his family. I bet Nate’s still spending all his free time with kids too. No matter what he tells you to keep you, he wants to get married and fill this house with kids.”
I went quiet. I knew that was what Nathan had wanted his whole life. That was why he spent all his time helping kids. He brought me into his life too. I rubbed the goosebumps on my arms.
“Do you even want kids?” he pressed.
I frowned and wiped my face. “I do one day. Why are you so cruel?”
He blinked. “I’m not cruel. You are. Maeve won’t tell you, but I will. Hell, hear me straight, and I’ll step back and give you a choice. I’ll let Nate fall madly in love with you again if he hasn’t already because we love seeing him happy. That’s love. Maeve and I won’t disappear. We’ll be here to pick him back up after you’re gone because we love our brother. He’s a good man and deserves the world.”
“He does,” I murmured and stood. “I should go.”
“Okay. That’s your choice. I’m happy to see you, Shana. And believe me, I want the best for you. I want you to always be in our lives, truly. I just want you to give Nate a chance at happiness.”
I didn’t answer but collected my stuff and left. Aidan’s words hurt, but he hadn’t said anything I hadn’t told myself. Nathan hadn’t moved on. He’d stayed suspended.
His house was beautiful and waiting for his woman to build a future with him. And I wished more than anything in the world I could be his one. But I was a mess. I never felt at home anywhere, living my life without direction. I didn’t know what life would be like with Nathan and me together. We never made it that far. He had guidance and support around him. Sunnyville was his life and where he’d want to be.
Nathan had a support team around him. Sure, he still struggled with what he wanted to do, but he wasn’t alone. Sunnyville loved him, yet I didn’t feel I had a place anywhere.
I wanted more than anything to tune out and not feel. I couldn’t. So, I headed to Maeve’s to shower and dress before the appointment. Aidan’s words swirled around in my mind with visions of Nathan holding me, being inside me, kissing me. Filling my heart and body.
What was holding me back? Why had I not healed from losing Jackson?
Why did I feel so . . . untethered? Yet everyone else—Dad, Mom, Nathan—were all ready to move forward in other directions?
He bought this home for a woman who loves him and loves being where he loves to be. I knew that. That was exactly why things were unfinished. He was ready to move forward, t
o grow his house into a home . . . for the woman he loved.
I want the best for you. I want you to always be in our lives, truly. I just want you to give Nate a chance at happiness. God, I wanted that too.
It was extremely hard to digest, but I could genuinely see that both Aidan and Maeve had said their piece out of love for both Nathan and me. Was that why it was so hard to hear? Because there weren’t any filters or half-truths like in my own family? These were the moments I missed having a best friend I could open up to.
Nathan’s my best friend.
And it was time to face Mom and Dad together—pretending—at the hospital.
Dad’s trying, Jackson chimed in my head. He was, I had to try too.
After a twenty-minute drive, I parked, then headed toward the lobby.
Barely a smile cracked Mom’s face when she saw me. Instead, she turned so we could head to her doctor’s office together.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked.
“I asked him not to come,” she murmured.
I frowned and opened my mouth to say more, but I knew the answer.
The nurse came for us to go back to an examination room. The doctor took a swab from our cheeks and did the blood draws. Afterward, we went to the doctor’s office.
“Did you have a chance to go over the procedure for the allogeneic transplant?” he asked me.
“I handed her the brochures a week ago,” Mom told him.
“I read them, and I’m up to do whatever I can to help my mother,” I said. My body tensed, but I put on a brave face for Mom. The procedure would take the marrow from my hip. I could handle whatever they gave me. Mom, on the other hand, may need chemotherapy first to kill the diseased cells in her blood. She was already so frail. Could her body handle all that was ahead of her?
“That’s great,” the doctor said. He looked at my mother. “You’re so lucky to have a family member willing to help you.”
My mom squared her shoulders. “We’re good to Shana too.”
“Apologies. I didn’t mean otherwise, Mrs. Callahan.”
My stomach churned, but I smiled at them both. I hadn’t expected anything more from Mom.
We walked out together, and my mother stopped me in the hall. “I have something for you.”
Command: An Everyday Heroes World Novel (The Everyday Heroes World) Page 19
