‘I’m fine.’ Rachel put her head to one side. ‘How are you? We were so sorry about Greg. So young. It must be so terrible for you.’
Shelley took a deep breath. ‘I’m fine, thank you. It hasn’t been easy. But I am getting there.’
She wasn’t getting there at all. But the last thing she wanted to do was discuss it in public with a woman she barely knew. People fell into two categories: they either pretended that they hadn’t seen her or they engaged her in lengthy, painful conversation.
‘Really? Are you? Because you look terribly pale. And you’ve lost weight. You look positively gaunt.’
Shelley almost laughed: was this supposed to make her feel better? ‘Oh, well, I guess there is an upside to loss then.’.
Rachel shook her head slowly. ‘So brave.’
Steve came back over and slid a bottle of water onto the table. ‘I know you said you didn’t need another drink but I thought I’d get us some water.’
Rachel’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. Why did he have to say us? Now she would definitely think they were on a date. ‘This is my boss, Steve.’
Rachel nodded hello but she didn’t look convinced. It probably didn’t help that Steve had loosened his tie. ‘Okay, well, I’ll let you get on with it.’ She looked from Steve to Shelley and backed away to her table on the other side of the bar.
If Steve had noticed a change in atmosphere, he didn’t show it. ‘Okay. So. What is it about the job itself that most worries you?’
From the other side of the bar, Rachel was watching them, while talking to a friend. Shelley could feel her face getting warm. What was Rachel telling that woman? Just keep going, get it over with. ‘Oh, er, I guess it’s mainly the commute that is a concern. Getting stuck on a train on the way home. Being in a packed carriage.’
Steve considered this for a moment. ‘Yes, I think that can be a pain. But I reckon you’d get used to it. A lot of people read or watch a film on their phone. What else?’
Rachel glanced over again. Did she assume that something was going on with Shelley and Steve? Why was it so damn hot in here? ‘Running a team of people. They won’t know me from Adam. What if they don’t like the way I do things?’
Steve shrugged. ‘I can’t guarantee they’ll all be like Flora. But you’ll be the manager. They’ll have to do things your way. Anyhow, you’ve been the supervisor of your team, so you’ve already managed members of staff without any issues.’
Rachel glanced again. Shelley was sure she could see her mouth the words, So soon.
Now Steve was looking at her with concern in his eyes. ‘Are you okay, Shelley? I don’t want to pressure you over this, I really don’t. This is supposed to be a good thing. I’m looking out for you.’
He leaned forwards and put a hand on hers. She drew it back as if scalded. What if Rachel saw that? He’s just being nice. ‘Sorry, sorry.’
‘No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have touched you. I was just trying…’
This was excruciating. The back of her neck was damp with sweat. ‘I know, I’m sorry. I’m just not really with it today.’
Before he could say anything else, Steve’s phone rang and he glanced at the number. ‘Sorry, I have to take this.’ He shifted his knees from under the table. ‘Hi, it’s Steve.’
While he was speaking, Shelley tried to take another surreptitious look in Rachel’s direction. Maybe she was just being paranoid. Maybe they weren’t talking about her at all. She’d told Rachel that Steve was her boss. There was nothing suspicious about that. But what would she think if she had seen him touch her hand? Why had she come for lunch with him at all? It wasn’t as if they were friends. They could have discussed this at the office. What had she been thinking accepting his offer of lunch? Idiot.
Steve was waving his mobile at her. ‘Bad reception. I’m going to need to take this outside. I can’t really understand what she’s saying. I won’t be long.’
Shelley poured some of the water after all, hoping it might help to shift this huge lump in her throat. As she poured, she glanced up and caught Rachel watching Steve go. When she noticed Shelley watching her, Rachel gave a little wave, her face a picture of suspicion. She did think something was going on between them.
From nowhere, a flash of anger burned in Shelley’s chest. This wasn’t a date but, even if it was, what business was it of Rachel’s? Did she have any clue how it felt to come home every night to an empty house? An empty bed? To want more than anything to feel a strong pair of arms around her and be told everything was all right? Tears pricked the back of Shelley’s eyes. She squeezed her hands together. Don’t cry in here. Don’t.
Steve slid back into his seat. ‘Sorry. All sorted. I’ve tried to tell them not to call all the time but there seems to be something every ten minutes.’
‘Them?’ The injustice of Rachel’s eyes bearing down on the two of them from across the bar had sparked something in Shelley that needed to be earthed. She turned on Steve. ‘Maybe they wouldn’t be calling you so often if you weren’t three-timing them.’
Steve looked confused. ‘Sorry?’
That innocent face wasn’t going to wash either. ‘Your girlfriends. They probably feel insecure. That’s why you’re getting calls every five minutes.’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘My girlfr—’ A light went on in his eyes and a smile started to spread across his face. ‘They aren’t calls from girlfriends. Crikey. Chance would be a fine thing. They’re my mum’s carers.’
Shelley froze; the heat of anger gone. ‘Pardon?’
‘My mum has dementia. I am caring for her at my house until I can find her a home that she likes. She has to have round-the-clock care because of her habit of escaping and getting lost. But the agency keeps changing the carers, which is why I get so many calls. Mum gets shirty with them and won’t let them wash her or anything, and they have to call me so that I can speak to her and persuade her to let them touch her.’
She was the worst person in the world. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise.’
He waved her apology away. ‘Please. It doesn’t matter. I’m actually quite flattered you thought I could date three women at once. Truth be told, I haven’t been out in months. That’s why I was so keen to have this meeting at a pub. It’s a lot easier to get out in the afternoon than in the evening.’
Now she felt even worse. She wasn’t the only one who had been living the life of a hermit. ‘I am sorry, though. It must be tough.’
‘It has been. But I have a place for her in a home from next week, so life should get a lot easier. Just need to swallow down the guilt and then I’ll be right as rain.’ He laughed it off but she could tell he meant it.
‘I’m sure it’s not easy to make that decision but it sounds like it’s the best thing for your mum if she needs constant care. And you are entitled to a life too, you know.’ As she said the words, Shelley realised how much they could apply to her too. She’d spent the last year in suspended animation. It was time to do something different.
Steve took a swig of his beer. ‘Thanks. I appreciate it. Anyway, where were we?’
It’s your decision. ‘I’ll do it. I’ll apply for the job.’
Steve coughed mid-gulp of beer. ‘Really? What happened? What changed your mind?’
How could she explain it to him when she still didn’t really understand it herself? Something had shifted in the last few days and she was ready to take a chance. ‘It doesn’t matter. I’ll email my completed application form as soon as I get back.’
This might turn out to be the worst snap decision she’d ever made, but at least it was a decision. And she had been the one to make it.
37
Lara
‘Have you heard of Suited and Booted?’
Lara had found them online, a charity that helped unemployed men in need of financial and practical support to find work. As well as cash, they took donations of good-quality suits and professional clothing: the perfect place for Shelley to donate some of
Greg’s designer clothes. Lara had been tentative about proposing it to her, but she had looked almost relieved at the suggestion. It was time to move them out.
Remembering how aggressively Shelley had thrown the clothes into the wardrobe the first time they’d been in that room together, Lara knew they should take it slowly today. She knew how she’d feel if they were baby clothes. Not that they’d bought any baby clothes for Baby Aaron; they’d learned their lesson the first time. So, when Shelley offered her a drink, Lara didn’t accuse her of delaying tactics like she had in the past; she just accepted.
‘I was so jealous of this kitchen when I first came in here, you know.’ It felt a lot longer ago than six weeks. The Shelley of that day seemed a complete stranger compared to the woman in front of her. ‘I was so miserable to be moving into our house. We’d worked so hard to get our old house exactly how we wanted it and I couldn’t bear to leave.’
Shelley leaned against the counter, sipping her coffee. ‘You weren’t jealous of the mess in my box room though, were you?’
Lara smiled. ‘No, I wasn’t. And I think I still have the bump on my head.’ She screwed up her nose and pretended to rub an imaginary injury.
‘Good job I didn’t know you were a solicitor that day. I would have panicked that you were going to sue me.’
Their relationship had become so easy in the last few weeks. Shelley was her friend. It felt good. ‘How did the meeting with your boss go today?’
Shelley sipped at her coffee again. ‘He explained the role and it all sounded straightforward and doable. He thinks I would be ideal for it, so I agreed to apply for the job.’
Her face didn’t match this positive news so Lara wasn’t sure how best to react. ‘That’s good. Isn’t it?’
Shelley pulled at her ear lobe. ‘I think so? It’s still a bit scary, but I finished the application form at work this afternoon and sent it off before I could change my mind again. We’ll see what happens. I’ve got the next two days off, anyway, HR have been nagging me again to use my holiday entitlement. They’ve got some sort of staff wellness drive.’
Lara wanted to make her feel more upbeat, especially as they were about to go through Greg’s clothes. ‘Well, why don’t we go for a shopping trip tomorrow to buy you an interview suit? That way, even if you decide not to take the job, at least you got a new outfit out of it.’
Shelley wrinkled her nose. ‘I’d love to, but my mum is coming up to spend the day with me tomorrow. I haven’t seen her in weeks so I can’t put her off.’
She seemed genuinely disappointed. It would be nice to have a shopping trip together. ‘No problem. What about Friday?’
Shelley smiled. ‘It’s a deal. And while we’re on the subject of suits, shall we get this over with?’
* * *
When Shelley slid the wardrobe door open, Greg’s clothes came tumbling out of the section she’d stuffed them into. For a few moments, she stood there looking at them. Lara needed to say something to break the tension in the air. But what could she say? These clothes belonged to the husband Shelley had lost forever. What words could make this easier?
Shelley lowered herself down onto her knees. She started to pick up shirts: a blue one, a pink pinstriped one, a white one which still had cufflinks attached. She held them up to her face and breathed deeply. ‘Calvin Klein. I’m not sure if I can actually smell it or if my mind is just adding it in.’
Scent and memory were so closely linked. The smell of hospital disinfectant was enough to make Lara feel physically sick. She could imagine the churning in Shelley’s stomach right now. ‘Greg was obviously a well-dressed man.’
Shelley rolled her eyes. ‘He loved clothes. Much more than I ever have. That’s why these suits are in such great condition. Some of them were only worn a handful of times.’
Lara picked up a pair of trousers which had come loose from their hanger and started to fold them. ‘That will make them perfect to donate to Suited and Booted. Any man in one of these will have a head start on a new job, I reckon.’ She wanted Shelley to feel positive about this. She wasn’t clearing out Greg’s suits; she was giving other men an opportunity.
Shelley nodded her agreement and found hangers for the shirts in the pile. ‘Greg donated some of his organs, you know.’ She spoke in a matter-of-fact tone but didn’t look at Lara.
What was the correct response? ‘That’s very generous.’
Shelley nodded again. ‘I had to sign the release papers or whatever you call them, but I knew it was what he wanted. The nurses were very kind. When they took him away…’ She paused, breathed in and out a few times. ‘When they took him away they said it was done just like an operation on a living person. That he was doing something amazing.’
Lara’s heart was hurting; she reached out to comfort her but Shelley shook her head and kept folding. Lara understood: she didn’t want sympathy right now. Instead, she started on the polo shirts: Hugo Boss, Ralph Lauren – there was a small fortune in menswear in the pile. ‘Do they tell you who gets them?’
Shelley stood to lay some suits on the bed. She had her back to Lara. ‘They gave me some information but I couldn’t read it. I put it away.’
It must have been so hard to make the decision about organ donation when she was at her weakest point. But what a wonderful thing to do – literally saving the lives of others. Maybe it would bring Shelley some comfort. Would it help to see it now, a year later? ‘Have you…’
Shelley turned to look at her. ‘You’re going to suggest we look at it, aren’t you?’
‘Only if you want to.’
Shelley didn’t answer but turned towards the box of papers excavated from under the bed which was still in the corner of the room. While Shelley leafed through it, Lara tried to suck in the tears that were threatening her own eyes. She was here to be strong for Shelley, and that meant not letting her own feelings get the better of her. Shelley pulled out an official-looking envelope. ‘They sent this through a few weeks after Greg died. My mum opened it for me and tried to get me to read it, but I couldn’t. She said it might help but it just made it all seem so… real. So final.’
Sitting beside Lara on the floor, she stared at the envelope for a few moments. Then she opened it, slipped out the folded letter, hand trembling and shaking the paper. The anxiety creeping over her was palpable. How could Lara make it easier for her? ‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’
Shelley turned, her face close enough for Lara to see the sadness in her eyes and hear her when she whispered, ‘Yes, please.’
Shelley unfolded the letter and then Lara gripped her hand tightly as Shelley read aloud. ‘Dear Mrs Thomas. On behalf of Surrey Transplant Services, we would like to offer our condolences on the recent loss of your husband, Greg Thomas.’
A large tear fell onto the page. Shelley wiped her cheek with the back of the hand that was holding the letter; Lara squeezed her other hand even tighter.
Her voice wobbled as she continued to read. ‘We hope that you can take consolation in the knowledge that five people are alive today because of his gift of life.
‘Because of your generous agreement to donate on Greg’s behalf, one person with lung failure received a double lung transplant, one—’ She coughed out a sob and held the letter out to Lara. ‘I can’t. Please. Can you?’
Lara didn’t know if she could trust her own voice but she had to. She had suggested Shelley do this and she couldn’t let her down now. She took the letter, not letting go of Shelley’s hand. ‘One person with failing sight received a cornea transplant, two people with kidney failure received kidney transplants and one person with diabetes received a pancreas transplant.’ She had to pause and regain her breath before reading the final paragraph. ‘We understand the great loss to you and your family. We are truly grateful for his donation and can only hope that the knowledge that he has helped others regain their health will bring some comfort in your time of grief.’ She passed the letter back to Shelley.
‘Th
ank you.’
Lara squeezed her hand. ‘You did a wonderful thing. Greg did a wonderful thing.’
Shelley nodded. ‘He was always a very generous man. I know I’ve made it sound like he took over my life, but he was very kind. Very generous.’ She looked around at his clothes on the floor. ‘He would be glad we’re doing this.’
It had been easy to think of Greg as being controlling or bossy. But Lara could see how much Shelley had loved him. ‘He sounds like a good man.’
‘He was. Just like Matt. He wanted to look after me, I suppose.’
Lara was struggling with that right now. ‘Even when you didn’t want to be looked after?’
Shelley smiled. ‘Even then. Is Matt still driving you crazy?’
It felt selfish to be talking about her own husband after the letter they’d just read, but maybe Shelley needed to think about something else for a minute or two. ‘After our conversation about Aaron, things were better. But he’s back to being a bit claustrophobic. I’m hardly getting out of the house, he calls me ten times a day, I don’t see anyone all day long. If I didn’t have you, I’m not sure I wouldn’t be throwing things at the TV again.’
Shelley put the letter back into its envelope but kept hold of it. ‘Well, let’s get you out somewhere for the day, then. Suit shopping on Friday is a date.’
‘That would be great.’ Lara followed Shelley when she stood up. As she did, there was a twinge across the underside of her stomach. It was probably because she’d been sitting awkwardly on the floor, but she’d get the baby heartbeat app out when she got home, just to reassure herself.
The Forgotten Wife Page 20
