The little boy in the buggy started to cry, so the woman grabbed hold of the handles and turned it around. ‘Uh-oh. That’s my time up. Good luck. Hope everything goes well.’
‘You too.’ From your lips to the ears of God, she wanted to add.
Lara’s phone pinged. A text from Shelley. Maybe she’d finished chatting to Dee and was ready to carry on shopping. No, she wasn’t texting to suggest getting back to trying on suits.
No rush, but I’ll meet you at the car whenever you’re done.
What had happened?
* * *
It didn’t take long for Lara to get back to the car, but Shelley was already there, in the driver’s seat. Tears were streaming down her face.
Lara opened the door and practically jumped in. ‘What happened?’
Shelley turned to look at her. ‘He told Dee he would think about having another baby. The night before he died. He told her he would think about it.’
Lara’s hands went to her face. No wonder Shelley looked so upset. ‘How? What? Where?’
Shelley told her what Dee had said. Greg’s visit to Dee, their conversation, the fact that she had pretended to be asleep that night when he’d got home from work. The more she spoke, the more worked up she seemed to get until she hit the steering wheel hard with both hands and yelled, ‘I’m so bloody angry!’
Lara’s head whirled trying to think of the right thing to say. ‘At Dee?’
Shelley’s eyes were on fire. ‘Yes, at Dee. And Greg. And God. And myself. I’m angry at my stupid. Bloody. Self.’
She punctuated the last few words with more strikes on the steering wheel. Lara tried to say something soothing. ‘It’s not your fault, Shelley. None of this is your fault.’
But there was no placating her. ‘Yes, it is. If I had been pushier. If I had made him realise how much I wanted a baby. If I hadn’t just gone along with everything he wanted.’ She covered her face with her hands and leaned forwards onto the steering wheel. Lara could barely hear the next sentence. ‘I might have had a baby.’
Lara knew how the ‘if’ game worked. She was a professional player. If I had started trying for a baby earlier. If I had looked after my body better. If Matt had married someone else. But that game was bad news. It took its player on a downward spiral that was hard to climb back up. She put a hand on Shelley’s back and rubbed gently. ‘It might not have changed anything. You can’t let your mind go there. You can only deal with what is, not what might have been.’
Shelley’s face was almost haunted. ‘I’ve been feeling a little better recently. Clearing out the room. Spending time with you. But now I feel like I’m right back at the beginning. Standing in the crematorium. Staring at the coffin with no idea what to do or how to feel.’
Lara couldn’t stop the tears falling down her own face. ‘Oh, Shelley, it’s a lot to take in and you don’t have to do that all at once. You can take your time. Grief isn’t linear. You will be up and down and back and forth. Especially when you get a curveball like this.’
Shelley leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. ‘I miss him so much, Lara. Even right now when I am so angry with him for leaving me that I can barely breathe. I want him to hold me. To make me smile. To tell me it is all going to be all right.’ Her face crumpled like a tissue and she leaned sideways into Lara’s arms.
* * *
Once Shelley had composed herself enough to be able to drive, they headed for home. When they pulled up outside, Lara invited Shelley to come in. They had planned to eat out, but that had been forgotten after meeting up with Dee. ‘I could make you an omelette if you like? That’s about all I’ve got in, unless you fancy ordering a takeaway?’
Shelley shook her head. ‘Just a cup of tea will be fine. I don’t feel like eating, really.’
That was a relief because neither did Lara. Maybe it was the twisting around in her car seat in the car park, but she was feeling a little nauseous. A ginger biscuit with her tea would sort that out.
Once Lara had made the tea, they sat in the lounge. Shelley sighed. ‘I feel exhausted.’
So did Lara. ‘It’s the emotion. It knocks it out of you.’
Shelley nodded thoughtfully. ‘I’ve been angry for a long time. But tonight it just bubbled out of me. I’m sorry you had to see that.’
‘Don’t apologise. It needed to come out.’
Shelley sipped at her tea. ‘I don’t have a new outfit for my interview now. Maybe it’s a sign that the job is not for me.’
Sometimes she was exasperating. ‘It’s not a sign of anything. But you don’t have to take that job if you don’t want it. Even if you go to the interview, you can still change your mind. You need to do what you want to do, Shelley.’
Shelley reached out and patted her hand. ‘I know. Thank you. I just need to work out what that is first. And when I do, you’ll be the first to know.’
‘When is the interview again?’
‘Tuesday. I’ll go online and order that dress and jacket I tried on. I did like it. Thanks for your help.’
‘No problem.’ Lara yawned then quickly put her hand over her mouth. ‘Sorry.’
Shelley scrutinised her. ‘You look exhausted. I’m so sorry that I’ve worn you out with all my drama. I’ll drink this and then go in. I want to get Make Way for Joy out tonight and reread the chapter on emotions. Sounds like I need it.’
‘Good plan.’ Lara didn’t want to mention it to Shelley but she wasn’t actually feeling that well. She’d overdone it walking through the shops, and her back was aching again. An early night would do her good.
42
Shelley
Tourists, suits and students: the Underground train was packed. The mainline train to Waterloo had been busy too, but at least Shelley had been able to get a seat. She only had to go a couple of stops; if she got the job, she would work out a way to walk it. There was no way she wanted to do this every day.
As the doors beeped to close, a woman of around fifty jumped on the train at the last minute, almost colliding with Shelley. ‘I’m so sorry, do you mind if I swap places with you so that I can lean my bag against there? It’s full of textbooks and it weighs a ton.’
‘Of course.’ Shelley shuffled to the other side of the standing area so that the woman could drop her bag where she’d been standing. It landed with a thunk. ‘Crikey. You weren’t joking about the weight.’
The woman laughed. Despite her greying hair and fine lines, there was something youthful about her. Maybe it was her brightly coloured clothes or the way she had her hair tied back. ‘It’s my induction day at university and I wanted to look super prepared by bringing all the course books. My darling twenty-year-old daughter tells me I’m going to look like a try-hard mature student. But I told her at least I’ll be a prepared try-hard mature student.’
The pride with which she said ‘university’ made Shelley smile. She remembered Dee complaining about the mature students all those years ago. That they would do all the required reading and sit at the front of lectures and hand all their essays in a week before the deadline. ‘What are you studying?’
‘History. It’s a bit of a passion of mine. I didn’t get the chance to go to university when I was younger – just wasn’t expected for someone like me. But now my youngest son has gone off to Durham to study French, and my husband has retired so that he can spend his time chasing birds and cats off our front lawn, and I thought, why not?’
History? It seemed another life since Shelley had been in this woman’s position. Her textbooks had long since been given away, and the closest she got to studying past civilisations was Simon Schama documentaries on BBC Four. ‘Good for you.’
The woman put her hand on the rucksack, which was in danger of toppling over. ‘Thanks. It’s never too late, that’s what I think. It’s never too late to do what you want to do.’
The train slowed into Shelley’s station. She needed to move nearer to the door, ready to get out. ‘Absolutely. Good luck with your inducti
on day.’
* * *
The Travel Express office was less than a five-minute walk from the station but Shelley was half an hour early so she stopped at a coffee shop. While she waited in line, she thought about the woman on the train. University courses were expensive these days. She didn’t know the woman’s circumstances but it was a big investment to become a full-time student. Could she even get a loan to pay her fees at her age? It’s never too late, she’d said. It’s never too late to do what you want.
‘Hi, Shelley. We really must stop meeting in a hot drinks queue.’
She turned to face Steve, who was holding a takeaway cup. ‘Oh, hi. Yes. Although I hope this coffee tastes a lot better than the one at the table top sale.’ Seeing him made the butterflies in her stomach worse. Why did she always feel like this around him?
His laugh sounded as nervous as she felt. ‘I’m actually on my way to see a prospective client. I’m not part of the interview process but I’ve told them how capable you are.’
‘Thanks. I appreciate that.’ Something had been prickling at the back of her mind during all this talk of a new job, and if she didn’t ask now, she might never know. ‘Actually, Steve, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I’m just wondering why you have been recommending me for this position.’
Steve reddened and scratched his ear. ‘I just think you’d be good at it.’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘Yes, but so would other people in the team.’
His face grew even redder and he shuffled from foot to foot. When he finally spoke, he addressed half of his conversation to the lid on his takeaway cup. ‘Okay. This is totally unprofessional and probably way out of line but… I like you.’ He practically winced as he looked up.
What did he mean? ‘I don’t understand.’
Steve looked as if he regretted walking into this café in the first place. ‘I know this is not a good time and I would never have said anything… yet. But… I like you, Shelley, and I know that if you don’t join the new company, then we’ll lose touch, and if, at some point in the distant future, you find yourself ready to start dating again, I wouldn’t be around to… ask you out.’
He winced again. It was excruciating.
It was also her turn to blush. ‘I… I had no idea… I, er…’
Steve shook his head. ‘Please don’t say anything. I am mortified that we are even having this conversation. Especially as I am still your boss at the moment until you move to another role And, anyway, it’s not the only reason I’ve been talking to you about the job. You would be really good at it. I wouldn’t have recommended you otherwise.’ He glanced down at his watch, looking relieved to see the time. ‘I’m really sorry but I have to go. You would be great at this job. I know you would. Please ignore what I just said. It has nothing to do with this. Good luck.’
After Steve dashed away, Shelley was in such a state of shock that the barista had to ask her three times what she wanted to drink. Steve was interested in her? How had she not picked up on that? Or maybe she had? Was that where the constant butterflies in her stomach came from whenever she spent time with him? Oh, God. Did she like him too?
The hiss of the coffee machine brought her back out of her head. Collecting her cup from the end of the counter, she pushed the thoughts of Steve from her mind. There was the interview to cope with right now – the lorry load of Greg guilt that was about to hit would have to wait a while.
* * *
The reception desk of Travel Express was in a huge atrium. Glass, chrome and vibrant bold colours – a modern, vibrant workplace. She gave her name to the receptionist and sat down to wait. Wearing the bright yellow dress that had arrived yesterday – and in which she’d twirled around in front of Lara last night – she looked as if she would fit right in.
But she had a sudden, overwhelming feeling that she didn’t want to.
These feelings had started last night, talking to Lara, when she’d repeated her advice. Do what you want to do. Then there was the woman on the train, starting a university course. It’s never too late. And now Steve’s revelation. If you find yourself ready.
She stood up to speak to the receptionist and cancel her interview. And then she headed straight home to tell Lara what she wanted to do. What she really, really wanted to do.
43
Shelley
This point in her pregnancy should still be the blooming period, but when Lara opened the door, she looked pale and tired. Shelley began to doubt whether she should have dropped by like this, especially when Lara yawned. ‘Sorry, were you getting some rest? Shall I come back later?’
Lara opened the door wide. ‘No, I want to hear all about your interview. Come in.’
Shelley followed Lara to the back of the house where her kitchen was. Was she walking slower than usual? ‘Are you sure you’re feeling okay?’
Lara disconnected the kettle from its base and took it to the sink to fill it. ‘I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep very well and I must have been lying in a funny position because I’ve got an ache in my lower back.’
‘Why don’t you sit down? I can make the drinks.’ She began to get a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, the announcement she’d planned to make forgotten in her concern for her friend.
Lara ignored her offer and flicked the switch on the kettle. ‘Stop stalling. Come on, how did it go?’ Lara rubbed the underside of her belly as if she had a cramp. Was her face getting paler? It was almost grey.
Shelley pulled out a seat. ‘Lara, I really think you should sit d—’
Lara took a sharp breath in and doubled over suddenly as if she was going to vomit.
Shelley sprang forward. ‘Are you going to throw up? I’ll get a bowl.’
Lara righted herself. Now Shelley was closer to her, she could see a film of sweat on her forehead. ‘No. I’m not going to be sick. I think it might be Braxton Hicks – false contractions. Although I didn’t realise they would be this painful.’
Shelley’s pregnancy hadn’t lasted long enough for her to have experienced these, but she’d been through the pregnancies of friends and she didn’t remember them saying that Braxton Hicks contractions were painful. More just a tightening feeling. All pregnancies were different, but she didn’t like the look of Lara’s face.
‘Do you want to lie down?’
Lara shook her head. ‘No. I want to—’ A spasm of pain creased her face and she doubled over again. This time, when she straightened up, her eyes were full of fear. She was finding it hard to breathe.
A chill trickled down Shelley’s spine. She knelt in front of Lara and took both her hands. ‘You are not fine. Let me take you to the hospital.’
Lara’s face seemed to melt, mouth slackened, eyes pleading. ‘Oh my God, Shelley, I can feel something. It feels like blood. It can’t be blood. Not again. Not now. No, please don’t let it be blood. No. Shelley, please help me. Help me.’
Shelley squeezed Lara’s hands tightly. ‘Can you get to my car or shall I call an ambulance?’
‘I think I can walk.’ Hesitantly, she began to move upwards and then fell back again. ‘I can’t. I can’t move. Oh God, I can’t move.’ Sobs gave way to moans. ‘Help me. Please help me.’
Shelley grabbed Lara’s mobile phone which was on the table. Thank God she didn’t have a lock on it. She tapped 999 with a trembling finger. ‘Hello? I need an ambulance. Urgently. I have a pregnant woman in a lot of pain.’
Lara reached for her hand with both of hers like she was drowning. As soon as Shelley had given the address to the call handler, she knelt down beside her. ‘Keep breathing, my darling. It’s going to be okay. The ambulance will come and they will take you to the hospital and everything is going to be okay.’
Lara winced again. Were the pains coming quicker now? ‘I’m scared, Shelley, I’m so scared. Matt said… Oh God, can you call Matt? His number is in my—’
Another spasm cut her off.
‘Of course, I’ll ask him to meet us at the hospital.’
<
br /> Shelley was trying to keep her voice calm but she was terrified. Lara did not look good. Her palms were cold and clammy as they clutched at Shelley’s hand. Shelley managed to find Matt in Lara’s favourites. Please let him answer. Voicemail.
She didn’t want to frighten him into dashing full pelt to the hospital in case he ended up crashing the car but she also needed to make sure he came. ‘Hi, Matt. It’s Shelley from next door. Lara needs to go to the hospital because she’s not feeling well. Can you head straight there? I have Lara’s phone so please call on that and I will let you know where we are.’
‘Why the hell isn’t he answering his phone?’ Lara was roaring. ‘I need him! I need him here now!’
Shelley had thought the same thing. Where the hell was he? But she didn’t want to worry Lara further.
The phone rang. Matt.
His voice was heartbreakingly jovial. ‘Hi, love, just got a missed call from you. I was on the other phone. What’s up? More emergency chocolate needed?’
He hadn’t listened to the voicemail. Shelley took a deep breath. ‘Sorry, Matt. It’s Shelley. I called you on Lara’s phone.’
The panic in his voice almost came out and hit her. ‘What is it? Is she okay? What happened?’
‘She’s not feeling great. I’ve called an ambulance and…’ There was a knock on the door. She needed to get off the phone. ‘Meet us at the hospital.’
Lara released her hand and Shelley raced to open the door. A man of about forty walked in, the personification of calm. ‘Hi, I’m Phil. I’m a first responder. The ambulance is on its way.’
It was such a relief to have someone there who knew what they were doing. Surely, he would make everything all right. His voice was soothing as he spoke to Lara, telling her what he was doing as he checked her over.
The Forgotten Wife Page 23
