HOW DO YOU survive the loss of a child? Without faith, it can be a dark, black pit of despair. And even with faith, it’s hard not to tumble into that pit, at least at first.
Ann didn’t understand what she had done wrong, or why the God she loved would answer her prayers this way. She ached inside… deeply…for her son. She missed him, his joy, his vitality, and the love he brought into her life. She missed holding him in her arms, smelling his presence, and missing the ability to kiss him whenever the need arose.
In her pain, it was hard to talk to God. She cried for her departed son, and she strived hard to understand why this had happened.
She knew every day would bring fresh reminders of him. His empty bed, the cloths in the dryer that needed to be put away, his stuffed teddy bear on the sofa, or watching TV without him. He would be missed when meals were prepared, or in not being able to help him get ready for the day. But she would miss giving him kisses the most. The void could not be filled and Ann tried hard to wade through the grief.
Funeral arrangements were made, with the help of Pastor Henry and his wife. Martha and the ladies from church brought over hot meals, offering comfort where they could.
With a shock, she realized that Matthew would no longer be going to daycare. She called and canceled his enrollment. How sad the daycare workers were to hear of Matthew’s passing. He will be sorely missed, they told her.
The next day, Pastor Henry came to the little apartment to offer comfort. Ann couldn’t stop the feeling of “being betrayed by God” that exploded in her heart. She hurt too much to make it go away.
As he sat down on the couch, she asked him in anguish, “Why would God do this? What have I done to deserve it? I don’t understand,” she said teary-eyed.
“Ann, I don’t know all the answers. I just know that God loves us. He loves us so much that He went to extraordinary efforts to bridge the gap between His holiness and our sins.”
“And I know that when we pray for healing, He grants it more often than He denies it. He is a generous God and merciful. We don’t always know His will, but I believe with all of my heart that He would never allow anything to hurt us without a good reason,” Pastor Henry offered. “There has to be a good reason, Ann, for Him to take Matthew home to be with Him.”
“I miss my little boy so much,” she sobbed. Her heart breaking, but somehow she knew in time, she would come to accept Pastor Henry’s explanation. What else could she do? The alternative was to turn her back on God, and that would be like killing hope, love, and life to embrace death. No, that wasn’t an option. She would walk in faith and trust in God. Intentionally she chose to love Him, to believe in Him, and to trust Him.
Baby steps, she thought. I’ll take baby steps.
A few days later, she was sitting in her kitchen sipping coffee and looking out the window, dealing with her grief. She was talking to God again and the comfort it gave her was unexpected. She still suffered the loss of her son, but somehow she felt God’s love and support surrounding her. She still felt the pain, but she also felt His presence.
Turning to look at her daughter, she noticed Marty sitting in the living room, the TV off and curled into a ball on the couch. Ann was shocked to see her so withdrawn. She knew Marty missed her brother. She had understandably been quiet since his death, but to see her not participating in life anymore, alarmed her.
Setting her coffee cup down, she went over to sit beside her daughter. Ann took Marty into her arms and held her.
“Marty, it’s going to be okay,” Ann said softly. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Marty only shook her head no, back and forth.
“You miss Matthew, don’t you?” Ann said into her hair as she hugged her, guessing Marty’s pain.
Marty nodded, up and down, tears dripping from her face.
“Please, sweetheart, tell me what you’re thinking,” Ann asked with concern, for she sensed Marty needed to talk about it.
In reality, Marty was crushed and understood all too well that Matthew was gone, that no matter what, she couldn’t play with him anymore or make toast for his breakfast. That her daddy was gone too, forever, only deepened her sorrow.
Marty looked up with tears in her eyes and then lowered her face onto Ann’s chest. She mumbled, “First Daddy and now Matthew… ”
“I know sweetheart, I know,” Ann started to softly cry again.
Mother and daughter held each other for a while. Then Ann said, “I don’t know all the answers, Marty, but I do know that Matthew isn’t gone forever. He is well and happy in another place, and we’ll see him again someday.”
“But I want to see him now,” said Marty tearfully.
“Oh, so do I, sweetheart, so do I.” Ann said holding back a sob. “We must trust God… that this was the best thing for Matthew, and that he is happier where he is,” Ann added gently.
Marty raised her head, looked at her mother, and with fear in her face asked, “What if you go away too?” she asked fearfully, as her weeping increased.
Ann gasped… then she reached for Marty’s chin, raised her head to look into her eyes, and said, “Marty, I can’t promise I’ll always be here. I hope I can be. But, we must make each day count. We must make good memories while we have time here in this life. Everyone must die someday, sweetheart, like Matthew and your daddy. That will never change, but we can be as happy as possible with the time we have together, okay?”
Marty looked at her mother with longing in her heart and shrugged her shoulders in uncertainty.
“We have to trust God for what is best. Can you do that?” asked Ann.
Marty shook her head back and forth in a “no” with big round eyes.
Ann laughed gently and gave her a big hug and said, “Okay, then trust me for now, alright?”
Marty nodded her head yes and gave her mother a big hug. A small, weak smile lit her wet face. Ann’s heart warmed to see it.
“I think we’ll miss Matthew for a very long time,” Ann said.
“Forever and ever,” said Marty.
“Yes, for a very long time,” answered Ann. “But, we are together for now and someday we’ll see Matthew again. I believe that with all of my heart sweetheart, okay?”
Marty nodded her head up and down and gave her mother another hug.
“Now, go wash your face, and let’s see what’s on TV,” suggested Ann.
Jumping from the couch, Marty ran to the bathroom. As she watched her daughter leave the room, Ann knew she would have to spend more time with her, to play with her, to try to fill Matthew’s place in Marty’s life, if she could. Marty mustn’t feel abandoned and alone.
It’s all going to take time. How much time Ann didn’t know, just time. Time… it seems to move so slowly when you want to be healed and out of pain, and then too fast… like my time with Matthew.
That evening, mother and daughter spent a cozy time on the couch, watching a children’s movie, a happy movie that had a happy ending.
That night, with a cold wind blowing, and rain washing against the windows of the apartment, Marty crawled into bed with her mother. Ann wrapped her arms around her child, as they snuggled together in comfort and companionship that did them both good.
The next morning, pounding on the front door woke them. Ann swung her feet out of bed, reluctant to leave the warmth of her daughter. Pulling on her robe, slipped her feet into her slippers, she went to see who it was.
“Who is it?” she asked through the front door.
“It’s Shell,” responded her best friend.
Ann opened the door, while a crisp, cold breeze blew into the room with her friend.
“What are you doing here so early?” asked Ann in amazement.
“Hurry and get dressed. I’m taking you two out to a hot breakfast and some fresh air,” Shelly said enthusiastically.
“Fresh air! You mean that arctic gale you just let in?” Ann teased.
In spite of the early hour, she was delighted by the idea of going o
ut for a hot meal, spending time with her friend, and getting away from the apartment for a while. The diversion from the things she would have to face that day was welcome.
As soon as Marty knew it was Aunt Shelly… that they were going out to breakfast… she darted from the bedroom, and got herself ready as fast as she could.
In fact, her mother taunted her with a race. Marty made it to Aunt Shelly, just seconds before Ann, who ran a close second.
Walking out the door, Shelly gave Ann a big hug whispering in her ear with deep feeling, “Love you. Miss Matt.” Ann teared up for a second and hugged her best friend wordlessly.
The small group talked like magpies, chattering away about nothing as they got into Shelly’s car. More animated than usual, the girls teased, laughed and tried to be gay, at least for a while.
At the warm restaurant, with two hot coffees and a cocoa, Shelly, Ann, and Marty ate a wonderful breakfast. Shelly glowed watching mother and daughter share a good-sized meal between them. Small talk flourished and the laughter continued.
“It’s too bad that your mother can’t stay with you for a while. She could keep Marty company, and help out around the apartment for a while.” Shelly suggested.
Ann sat in stunned silence.
“Did I say something wrong?” asked Shelly with concern.
“No, it’s just such a strange idea. It never occurred to me to ask her. It would have been out of the question a while ago, but the last couple of days have been great, with her new attitude. She seems to have changed and I’m actually enjoying being around her. But, how long will it last?” wondered Ann.
“You could always try it out for a while and see how it goes.” Shelly responded.
“That’s not a bad idea. I would imagine she’d like the company, as well. What do you think, Marty?”
“Yes, please. Can we?” Marty asked. “I’d like Grandma Wesley to stay.”
“That’s settled, then. I’ll call her when we get home,” Ann said with satisfaction, though a small worry lingered.
Secretly she wondered… Will I have problems with Mom? Is this too soon? I know it’s hard to change a lifetime of bad habits, but she is really doing so well. Shouldn’t I give this new relationship a chance? Besides, Marty could use the company when I have to go back to work, and Mom must be so lonely in that old trailer. Ann sighed and thought, We’ll see. I can always take her back to the trailer, if it doesn’t work out.
After a delightful time, good food, and wonderful companionship, Shelly dropped them off at the apartment.
Hugging them good-bye, Shelly offered, “Call me if you need anything. Jim and I are there for you anytime.”
Mother and daughter waved good-bye as they watched the car disappearing into the rain. Walking into the apartment together, Ann made a mental note of all the things she needed to get done that day. The first one on her list was to call her mother.
“Hello, Mom,” said Ann. “How would you like to come and stay for a while with Marty and I? You can sleep in Matthew’s bed, if you don’t mind. Marty and I would love to have you here for a few weeks.”
Emma couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Surprised, she said, “Oh, Ann… do you mean it? I can do all the cleaning and cooking. You won’t have to do a thing. You just tell me what you need,” she said eagerly.
“Mom, I don’t want you to come here and work, I want you to stay for a while, as our guest. You can keep Marty company while I return to work in a few days. Then we’ll plan something for my day off,” Ann offered.
Ann suddenly thought of Sunday. “Would you like to come to church with us this next Sunday? I’ll understand if you don’t want to,” she added.
Church! Emma thought with instant irritation. The thought made her uncomfortable… yet, being with Ann meant so much to her that she said, “I’ll try Ann. I really will.”
“Do you have someone to watch the trailer while you’re away?” Ann asked.
“I’ll ask Mrs. Brown next door. I’m sure she’ll do it for me,” Emma said excitedly. She couldn’t wait to pack her things, to be with Ann and her granddaughter.
“When can I come?” she wanted to know.
“Why don’t you take the day to get ready and I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning around nine o’clock. I have so much to do today. I need to go by the funeral home to finish a few more details, and then it’s off to town for a while. It’s going to be a long day, mom. I’ll probably crash when I get home tonight.”
“Ann, is there any way you can pick me up before all that? I can be ready in an hour. I’ll stay with Marty while you go about your errands. Would that be too soon for me to come over?” she asked with some concern, not wanting to push.
Ann thought for a moment and smiled to herself. Why not? Marty can stay home and not be dragged around town while I finish what I have to do. What a great idea!
“If you can be ready in an hour, Mom, I think that would work out great. I haven’t been able to do anything in the bedroom yet. It’s so hard to go in there, right now, but we’ll work something out,” she said softly.
“I’ll be ready, Ann,” Emma said with feeling. “Don’t you worry… we can get through this together.”
And for the first time in Ann’s life, she was grateful that her mother was coming, that she didn’t have to face this ordeal alone.
“All right, Mom, see you in about an hour,” Ann said, hanging up the phone.
For a few seconds, misgivings crept into her heart. What if it all goes wrong? I’m not ready for more problems right now. But she shoved those thoughts aside, telling herself to give her mother a chance. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t go back to the trailer. She only lived across town.
* * * *
A Tale Of Transformation Page 15
