“About what?”
“You said something about telling you that God loved you but not accepting it as true for myself. Do you realize how rare that is?”
“What? That God loves you?”
“No. That anyone would dare call me on the carpet for my own internal hypocrisy.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“No. Don’t be sorry. You spoke truth and you did it in a way I could hear and, well, thank you for that. Listen. I don’t hate you for painting the picture. It’s a beautiful piece of work and the imagery is powerful. I’m honored that I get to be part of your journey and that it was received well.”
“Well? Do you want to know what that sold for?”
“No. I don’t. I only hope you get a large chunk of whatever number that is.”
“We’ll see. I’m not sure I trust my agent, but thankfully that sale was made prior to her.”
“Why don’t you trust her? And if you don’t, why did you sign with her?”
“I was desperate so I signed. As for trusting her? She wouldn’t let me read the contracts and still hasn’t sent me copies.”
“You should have had those before you left New York.”
“Yeah. I tried but well, the blizzard provided a convenient excuse for them not being delivered.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. It’s my own. I chased fame and yet I’m not in control of what even happens on the canvas. This,” she pointed to the magazine, “was the first of many that emerged and confused me.”
“Maybe God’s trying to talk to you through your work?”
“Can He do that?”
“He’s God, isn’t He? You’ve read about the Holy Spirit?”
She nodded.
“God gives grace so that you can discern his message. The Holy Spirit is who brings you to Jesus and to saving faith.”
“I thought that was what you and Titus and others at your church were trying to do.”
Dan shook his head and one corner of his lips rose. “The individual is a messenger, a vehicle for God to use to open your heart to Him but we can’t save you. The church is a place for those who believe to grow in their faith. It can be a messy process but life is hard and none of us are perfect like Jesus was.”
“Hence the stuff with Amy.”
“Yeah. Sorry about that.”
“Wasn’t your fault, Dan. You’ve done everything you can to be pure, and I happened to be your friend, sitting with you in a service one week.”
“Are we friends, Skye?”
“I’d like to think so.”
“Thanks.”
“Listen, Dan, maybe the Holy Spirit is trying to sway me. I still have so many questions.”
“That’s why it’s called faith.”
“I just leap and trust that God will catch me? After everything I’ve done and been through?”
“Yes. Especially then. I’ve been through tough stuff too. We all go through hard times. Life is hard. I can’t imagine walking through that without God. The Holy Spirit is our Comforter. Granted, we can shut Him out as much as we want, but He waits for us. In the book of James it says, ‘draw near to God and He will draw near to you.’ He’s waiting Skye—with open arms.”
“I read about the crucifixion and resurrection. It was a steep price to pay for my salvation.”
“For anyone’s, but it was necessary. Man disobeyed and death was the consequence. Only the perfect sacrifice could remove that stain, and Jesus was perfect. He was man and God. He faced all the fears and temptations we do but He never sinned…all we have to do is own our sin, accept the gift, and live our life in gratitude for what Jesus has done. Thankfully, we don’t do that alone. He gives us the Holy Spirit…and church. A bunch of people struggling just like you to understand it all and live as He would want us to.”
“Why did you decide to become a pastor?”
“I was going to be a musician.” He laughed. “I really wasn’t good enough. Oh, I have skills, but I don’t possess the innate talent of Nikolas Acton or Johnny Marshall from Specific Gravity. I’d been praying about it and it hit me. Music was wonderful, and it ministered to many people at one time, but what I did best was face-to-face, one-on-one interactions. Sure, some of that can happen after a concert, but it was where I found the most joy. Seeing someone grow in their faith. Or accept Christ. Knowing I get to be part of that journey is fuel for me. Ministry is hard. People are messy and sometimes there are days when I wonder why God called me to do this. Especially when He took our babies and then took Sharon. I didn’t know if I could go on.”
“You wanted to die?”
Dan nodded. “Not many people realize that was how dark it got. I’m glad I didn’t give into that temptation to escape my pain that way. Some days it still hurts. But while I’ll always love my wife, I’m ready to go on living again.”
“Will you remarry?”
He shrugged. “Maybe. I won’t rule it out. But being a pastor’s wife is a hard life for a woman. I failed far too much in my marriage. I worry that I would again.”
“I thought God was in the business of changing people.”
“Yes. He is. When I moved next door and heard all the music and chaos and Quinn hid in my apartment, I wasn’t very happy with that news. But God has used you as part of my healing, and I’m grateful.” He pointed down to her fuzzy pink boots. “I’ve even become fond of those.”
Tears pooled in Skye’s eyes. “And you’ve been pushing me to God and it wasn’t until then that I was forced to look more closely at Him. My mom had been urging me for a long time…but it was you…”
“Guess He knew what He was doing.” Dan’s phone rang and he answered it. “Yeah? Oh, OK. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up and put it in his pocket. “I’d better take you home. I need to get to the office. Something came up and I need to deal with it right away.”
“You’re kind of like an emergency room doctor, only for souls instead of bodies.” Skye zipped up her coat and finished her coffee as she rose.
“Yeah.”
Skye looked at the magazine on the table. “Did you want this or can I take it? They never sent me a copy.”
“Take it, Skye. Congratulations again. I’m honored.”
“Better than angry.”
“Well it might still cause me some embarrassment when some see that, but I’ll survive. I’ve survived worse.”
“We both have.” Skye settled into the car for the short ride to the apartment. “Thanks for the ride, Dan.”
He gave her a grin and a wave and was gone.
Now if only she could find a man like that to marry.
~*~
Sandi came to hang with the kids and loaned her car. Skye braved the cold to go to church for this meeting. She’d seen Dan’s car at home when she left. She walked to the reception desk but no one was there. Office hours were over. But people were around. How odd. She rang the bell.
A woman called out. “Coming!” and soon emerged from the hallway. “Are you Skye?”
Skye nodded.
“I’m Mary Beth. Come with me.” She escorted Skye down the hallway to a small but cozy office. “Amy will be here soon. Dan told me you’re his neighbor and have been coming here for a few weeks.”
“Yeah.”
“What do you think?”
“Of what? Church? God?”
Mary Beth smiled. “Why don’t we start with church?”
“I like this place and my kids love coming. The music is good and the messages make me think, but in a different way from what Dan does.”
“What Dan does?”
“He asks questions that make me think. The talks on stage are different. The questions come in my own mind, not aimed directly at me.” Skye looked around the room before settling directly on Mary Beth. “What I don’t understand is your purpose. Dan tried to explain it to me, but I’m still not clear. You’re not a social services, goodwill organization but you’ve all h
elped me even when I didn’t ask. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I just don’t understand.”
The older woman nodded. “The church is more like a family. This one is big, but the fact is, we all try to help each other when we are able. Dan is in a unique position of knowing many people, their gifts, passions, and ministry involvement. So when someone with a need crosses his path, if he can find someone who loves meeting those kinds of needs, he connects them. That’s why we gather to worship. Yes, we are taught from God’s word, and that can be challenging, but praying together, singing together, even having a cup of coffee, is a way to connect with each other and with God. He uses each of us as His representatives here on earth to reach others with the love of Christ. Sometimes his people, individually and corporately, don’t get that right. But we try.”
“Family? All I know of family is brokenness and pain.”
“That can happen here too. We all still struggle at times with sin and we will until we get to heaven. If we are really following God, we will let our failures be a springboard to repentance, forgiveness, and relationship. All of which change us, mature us, to be more like Jesus.”
“I didn’t realize I was coming here for more teaching.” Skye held up her hand. “I’m not upset about that. Just surprised. And, I was the one who asked the questions.”
“Well, to be honest, I was the one who started us down that path.”
A knock came at the door. Mary Beth brought Amy in and closed the door behind her.
Well, this should be interesting.
“Hi Skye, I’m Amy.”
“Sit down, Amy.” Mary Beth motioned to a seat across from Skye and sat down in her own chair. “Amy?”
The worship leader leaned forward. “I wanted to meet to apologize for my behavior a few weeks ago on Sunday. I’ve always had a crush on Dan, but he was married, and when his wife died I started to dream that maybe…”—she waved her hand in front of her face—“anyway…I was wrong and out-of-line in coming to you like that and no matter what I believed or thought, it was inappropriate and you were right to challenge me. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business what friends you or Dan choose.”
Skye wasn’t sure what to make of this. “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond.”
“I wanted to meet to ask you to forgive me.”
“Me? What do I need to forgive? It seems to me it’s Dan you’ve harassed and embarrassed by your actions.” Skye pursed her lips. Did she really say that out loud?
Amy’s eyes grew wide. “Yes. Of course, I need to apologize to him too…but I don’t want my bad behavior to do anything to get in the way of your relationship with God. You pointed out to me that Jesus wouldn’t have acted that way, and you were right. My behavior not only could have hurt your faith, but the faith of those around me. I can’t apologize to them, but I can to you. Will you forgive me?”
Skye nodded. “Sure. Dan’s a good-looking man and he’s sweet. I can understand why you would find him attractive as a potential husband. He’s a friend and neighbor. I’m sure I would be the furthest possible candidate to take his wife’s place. He loved her very much.”
“Sharon was my friend,” Amy said. “Well, as much as she felt she could be in her position. She adored Dan too. They had a good marriage.”
Mary Beth held up her hand. “This is going to stop. We are not going to spend our time talking about Dan and his merits as a husband or the quality of his marriage. That borders on gossip, ladies.”
Skye nodded. “You’re right.”
Amy frowned. “You said Dan is your neighbor?”
“Yeah.”
“So…you’re aware that I tried to stop by?”
“It was somewhat hard not to notice. You spoke loudly in the hallway.”
“I dug myself in deep with this one. Mary Beth, can you help me apologize to Dan? I don’t think that’s a conversation that should be done alone.”
“I’ll help. Are we done here now?”
Skye shrugged.
“Yeah, I think we’re done,” Amy answered. “Skye, I don’t suspect you would ever want to be friends but I do want you to know that you are more than welcome to our Thursday night gathering for young adults. We’re not meeting tonight though. Dates are posted online and in the bulletin.”
“I appreciate that, but childcare can be a challenge.” Skye rose. “Speaking of, I need to get home so my mother has her car back.”
“Thanks for coming in. Can I pray for us all before you leave?”
“I suppose.” Skye settled back into her seat. What was with all this praying anyway? What was the point?
Mary Beth bowed her head. “Jesus, thank You for showing us forgiveness. Thank You for a peaceful resolution here, and I pray that You would heal any wounds we are unaware of so that You can be fully at work in the lives of Amy and Skye. You are worthy of our love, adoration, and our obedience. We praise Your name. Amen.”
Skye looked up and gave Amy and Mary Beth a smile.
Mary Beth rose. “Thank you for taking time to come, Skye. Have a safe trip home.”
“Thank you.” Skye bustled out into the brisk air. Her nostrils almost froze together before she could reach the car.
~*~
Later that night when the kids were in bed she snuggled into her own pillow and let her mind wander. Forgiveness. Who did she need to forgive? Riley of course. Her father. The idiot who totaled her car. Her pushy agent.
Herself.
She flipped the question. Who did she need to ask forgiveness from? She hadn’t been an angel. Riley? Maybe. Her mom? Certainly. Her kids…she’d be asking them to forgive her for the rest of her life.
As for herself? She had no clue how she could ever do that.
~*~
Dan rolled over and his hand landed on the pillow next to him. Valentine’s Day. He saw the photo of Sharon and him from their wedding day on that side of the bed. Loss sucker-punched him and he struggled to breathe. Panic attacks didn’t happen too often, but when they did…He closed his eyes and forced his muscles to contract and relax. He took a deep breath, held it, and slowly released it. He did that several more times. The tension oozed away leaving him a basket case.
It’s OK. It was a panic attack. It happens, and I’m going to be all right. Jesus, when will this end?
He lay there praying for peace, but it wouldn’t come. He dragged himself to the shower and dressed for the day. The offices were closed but he would go in. There was plenty to do and he was scheduled to preach next week. He had some serious message prep. And Niko was coming in to talk.
SEVENTEEN
Color in painting is like enthusiasm in life.
Vincent Van Gogh
The office had been unnaturally quiet. Even though the church was closed, it was common for several staff to take advantage of the quiet and work. A rap on the door startled Dan. He looked up to see Nikolas Acton, the interim Worship Director. Dan motioned for him to enter.
“Hey, Niko.” He rose and patted his friend’s shoulder while motioning to a chair at the desk. He sat down at the matching one, turning it to face Niko.
“Nice to have you back, Dan.”
“You’ve done a great job keeping things going on Sundays.”
“Thanks. Your shoes are not easy ones to fill. Tia’s been great about the time I’ve needed away to handle rehearsals.”
“It’s not easy, but I couldn’t think of a better man to have handed the baton to. You’ve got more experience dealing with the whims of singers and musicians and communicating with tech people than I do.”
“I’m not so sure about that. Specific Gravity was always the same people, so we grew close. This? Every week this is a different group. A unique combination on stage and in the tech booth. That can make for some interesting conflicts.”
“Yeah. Hard to make things happen while tiptoeing around egos, huh?”
“Most of the team is great. They have a heart to serve and ego has nothing to do with it. Those w
ho are teachable are wonderful to work with, even if they don’t have the level of skill I’m used to on the road. It’s the knuckleheads who think they know everything and don’t like me telling them to do it differently that get my goat.”
“Anyone in particular?”
“Yeah…”
The rest of the time they discussed preparations for Easter and finally Niko left. No one else was due to come in, so Dan locked up the church building, returned to his office, and shut the door.
He could die here and no one would miss him or even notice until Sunday…if even then.
Well, isn’t that a cheerful thought?
He jumped to his feet and paced. He needed to shake this depression. The heaviness of the day. The loneliness ate at him, gnawed at his bones.
His stomach growled. Great. He’d forgotten to pack a lunch, so either he braved the cold to go through a drive-thru or he lived on coffee for the day.
He left his office and strode into the darkened sanctuary. He strolled halfway down an aisle and plopped into a seat, propping one foot up on the back of the seat in front.
What do you want God? Really. I don’t know that I can do this alone. You are with me, but it’s too heavy…He tilted his head back and allowed his eyes to close. Help.
The weight of the seat pressing down next to him was his first clue someone else was there.
“Rough day?” Andrew said.
“Yeah.”
“I suspected that.”
“I’m not going to kill myself.”
“You thought about it?”
Dan nodded even though he knew Andrew couldn’t see it. “I don’t have the guts, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish for it to just be over.”
“What’s the hardest part?”
“No hand to hold. No one there at the end of the day. No one to look forward to seeing. An empty apartment. An empty bed. I miss Sharon, but it’s more than that. I miss being married. I regret not doing more for her.”
“The whole reason God made woman was because He knew we shouldn’t be alone.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t because most men are morons and women tend to keep us from doing stupid things?”
Bratwurst and Bridges Page 16
