He hit Send and sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes.
He glanced down at his phone when it vibrated.
You don’t owe me an explanation, but Trevor owes you one.
Damon put the phone back on the nightstand and dropped his head, scrubbing a hand over his hair. He wasn’t ready to go back downstairs. He wasn’t ready to deal with something he worked so hard on pushing aside. He blew out a harsh breath.
He just needed to get it over with, let Trevor say his piece and then the man could leave. Damon didn’t owe him that, but he could give him that anyway. He just hoped he didn’t regret it.
Damon jumped as arms circled his waist and lips pressed to his shoulder. His whole body went solid and his hands automatically dropped to Trevor’s wrists to pull him off, but the man’s words spoken against his skin stopped him. Instead, Damon curled his fingers around his wrists and held him there.
“I’m sorry, Day. I messed up. I know it. I was stupid. I didn’t think I could only be with one person for the rest of my life. We were young.” Trevor hesitated, and Damon could feel Trevor’s chest expand against his back. “No. Those are just easy excuses. Those were only part of the reason. It went deeper than that. The truth is, I got lost. I got so fucking lost that I wasn’t sure how to find myself again.”
“If that’s true, then you talk about it. You don’t just disappear without a word on someone you love. Or maybe it never was true love. Only lust and sex.”
“Like I told you downstairs and also years ago, I did love you. I do love you.”
“People who are in love don’t do that to each other, Trev.”
“Leaving you was a huge mistake. After I did, I spun out of control. Things got dark and heavy.”
“Then why did you leave?”
“Because I thought things were spinning out of control here. With you. With us. I had no idea how much worse it could be. Out there. Without you. I didn’t realize how much you grounded me. But by then it was too late.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you come back? Hell, even call.”
“I couldn’t tell you, Damon, because you would have asked questions. And I didn’t want to face the answers. I didn’t know the truth.”
“What sparked it? This... this darkness?”
Trevor pressed his forehead into the back of Damon’s neck and he fought a shiver when Trevor’s warm breath swept over his heated skin.
“Trevor,” Damon whispered. “You wanted to explain. Now is your one and only chance. Don’t make me regret letting you into my home. I shouldn’t even allow you to touch me.”
“I’ve missed you.”
Those words swept through Damon like smoke rising from a discarded cigarette. “Apparently not enough, since it’s been five years.”
“Some of those years are a blur.” Trevor let out a harsh laugh. “Again, that’s not true. Most of those years were a blur.”
“Why? Were you ill?” Damon hated that Trevor stood behind him, that he couldn’t see his former lover’s face, read his expressions. But he also wasn’t sure he was ready to face him yet.
“You could say I was ill, yes.”
Damon’s heart pounded, and his gut churned. “Cancer?”
“It wasn’t cancer, but what it was ate at me from the inside. It could have been just as deadly.”
His assumption that this conversation wasn’t going to be easy, was not only confirmed but now he knew it would be worse than he expected.
Damon squeezed Trevor’s wrists. “I need to get dressed, then we can talk.”
“No, please, let me hold you for a little bit.”
A lump grew in his throat and his eyes began to sting. He shouldn’t let Trevor touch him, or even be this close. Every wall he built after Trevor left was at risk to come tumbling down.
He needed to shore them back up. Keep them in place.
“You said you liked her...”
Trevor’s words had him looking at the bed. The mussed sheets, his clothes discarded in a pile on the floor, something not normal for him. He was someone who preferred neat and organized.
This conversation wasn’t going to be that, either.
“We’re not going to discuss her, Trevor.”
“I’m happy for you if she makes you happy. You deserve it.”
“And I’m getting a feeling that’s why you left. Because you didn’t feel as if you deserved happiness.” Damon turned his head and looked over his shoulder. “Why?”
“It’s not an easy answer...”
“I was beginning to sense something was off, but not to the point of you leaving. I figured it would eventually come to light and we’d discuss it. Apparently, I was wrong.”
Sex with Trevor had gone from some of the best he’d ever had to something different. Trevor had become more demanding and that wasn’t what bothered Damon. In fact, it was a turn on. But it was what Trevor demanded that began to bother him.
Trevor got to the point where he couldn’t come unless there was pain involved. Not hair pulling, not pinching his nipples, not spanking his ass. No. This was more intense pain. He begged to be tied down, whipped, smacked across the face, even punched. He bought sex “toys” that would belong in a sadist’s dungeon.
Damon had always been eager to try new things, but there came a point where he just refused to do some of the things Trevor wanted. Maybe even needed.
He didn’t enjoy doing them to Trevor. In fact, he hated them. To Damon, it wasn’t sex, but abuse, and he refused to continue.
While Damon knew Trevor was disappointed, he didn’t realize at the time that was what might possibly destroy their relationship. And now that Trevor kept mentioning the “darkness” he could only imagine that reason was what spurred Trevor to leave...
Damon not being what Trevor needed.
But it didn’t turn Damon on to see his lover bleeding, to see raised welts and bruises along his skin that took days, if not longer, to disappear.
That’s something he’d want to see on an enemy not his lover, the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Who he thought was his soulmate.
“Tell me, where did this darkness, as you call it, come from?”
“When you began to take longer flights and had layovers, once you made Captain, I was alone for days at a time. Just me. My thoughts.”
Damon’s brows rose. “Are you saying my career caused this?”
“No. None of this is your fault.”
Damon released Trevor’s wrists and attempted to turn around, but Trevor wrapped his arms around him tighter, spreading his hands along Damon’s ribs, holding him in place.
“Trevor.”
“No, no. Please let me get this out first... For some reason, what I asked from you, what I begged from you, I needed. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know where it came from. It just happened.”
“We didn’t start out like that.”
“No, we’ve always enjoyed rough sex but...”
“Not abuse.”
“Not abuse,” Trevor echoed. “I know that’s what it was now. Back then I didn’t. I felt like I was missing something, and that pain filled that missing part of me, that void.”
“I wasn’t enough for you,” Damon said flatly, disappointment swelling.
“No, but it wasn’t your fault, I swear. I learned that later.”
“Later?”
“Day...”
Trevor’s nickname for him made an ache grow in his chest until it wanted to swallow him whole.
“I went on a long journey. Again, some of it I remember, some of it I don’t. And I know this is a lame thing to say but I had to discover myself. I’m not talking some hippie-type shit. I mean that I had to figure out why I needed what I did. I needed to find people who could do what I needed done to see if it helped.”
Damon shook his head. “I’m confused.”
“I know. It’s too much for me to just spill it all with us standing here. I can go into as much detail as you’d like
in regard to the path I took, but just know this... The result was I ended up in a place that screwed my head back on straight. They dug at me until they found the core issue. The one that had begun to surface while we were together. The one I never knew about. Once they pinpointed the cause, they helped me process it, and taught me how to deal with it.”
“This place... Was it some sort of hospital?” Did Trevor have a mental breakdown of some sort? Had he been placed in a psych ward? He was leaving too much to Damon’s imagination, which was starting to run wild.
“It was like a rehab.”
“For drugs?’
“For mental health.”
Damon closed his eyes. What happened to push this man, who Damon thought loved life and was happy, to snap and end up in some facility? Why didn’t he recognize any of the signs?
Was it because Damon had been working too much? Away from home too much? Neglecting the one person he thought the world of? The man who had held his heart?
“You’re okay now?”
“Yes.”
“Was it some sort of twelve-step program where you have to ask forgiveness from people you’ve done wrong?”
“It wasn’t an addiction, Day. But no, I came back for forgiveness on my own. It’s something I wanted to do. I wanted to see if I can fix what I broke.”
Jesus. That meant he did want a second chance. He wanted Damon to take him back...
“I can’t.” Damon whispered. “I’m not going to let you do this to me again, Trev. Walk out and disappear because things get tough. Or serious. Or overwhelming. Whatever caused your darkness last time, which you still haven’t explained. I can’t do it. I won’t.”
“I just don’t want you to hate me.”
“I love you. I just hate what you did to us.”
Chapter 9
I love you. I just hate what you did to us.
That confession gave Trevor both a sense of hope and dismay.
Damon still felt love for him, even if it wasn’t as strong as years ago. However, he wasn’t sure Damon would ever forgive him and be able to move forward.
“I hate what I did to us, too, Day. And that’s why I’m here.”
“No, you’re here because you want to walk back into my life like you never left.”
“No. I know it won’t be that easy. But I am asking for a chance.”
“I met someone, Trevor.”
A sharp pain shot through his chest. “She was hard to miss.” She was a beautiful redhead with girl-next-door looks. She even had freckles, for fuck’s sake. But was it a woman who Damon really wanted? He’d always preferred men. Or that’s what Trevor thought. They had discussed their bisexuality on many occasions.
“I’ve moved on.” That sounded so final.
“Is it serious?”
“It’s new.”
“So, there’s hope for me yet.”
“No, Trev. I’ve gone on a lot of dates over the years and never felt connected to anyone. I found that connection with her.”
So soon? “You said it’s new.”
“It is. But we—you and I—had that immediate connection, too. Remember?”
Trevor certainly remembered. He loosened his hold on Damon, who immediately turned in his arms, his dark eyes troubled.
“Do you remember when and where we met? Do you remember that spark? I have that with her.”
That sliver of hope Trevor felt a few moments ago dissipated. When he came back to Boston, he knew he might find Damon with someone else. But even if he was, he still wanted to explain. He owed Damon that much.
He’d never been in this house before since he and Damon had shared an apartment. But with Damon in his arms, Trevor felt like he was home. Finally home. The last five years had been such a crazy ride. When he looked back now, he was surprised he survived it. He had put himself in some insane situations. Ones he might never have walked away from. He had. But he’d walk right into the next one.
And the next.
Searching.
Looking for that thing. That something. Whatever it would take to relieve that endless itch. He didn’t know what it was. But the pain he sought sometimes made it less. The welcomed torture made his mind and soul settle in a bizarre, unexplainable way.
He’d wake up many times beaten, bleeding and bruised. Occasionally with a few ribs broken. More times than he’d like to count, he’d come to in the gutter of a street or in an alley. In an abandoned car or house.
He’d been used and abused.
But then, that’s what he had wanted. Needed. And it became a drugless high he was chasing.
Until he couldn’t chase it anymore.
Until that day he’d been so badly broken, he was lucky to be alive.
After spending two weeks in a hospital, they suggested a therapist or a stint in the psych ward.
“I just want you to know, none of what happened was your fault. If you want me to explain in more detail, I will. If not, I’ll go. I only want you to be happy, Day, and if you think you can be happy with her, then I’m happy for you.”
Trevor’s heart squeezed when Damon said, “I’d like closure. I think knowing the details would help with that.”
Trevor nodded. While he was glad that Damon wanted to hear it, it also made him a bit nervous. He’d be opening himself up again to the things the counselors and therapists had pulled to the surface.
But Damon had never been one to judge and hopefully, he wouldn’t judge Trevor now for things beyond his control.
Even so, he may never look at Trevor the same way again. Or at least the way he used to when they were together. Anger, he could handle. If Damon looked at him in disgust, it may kill him.
Damon was still standing in his arms in the middle of his bedroom, wearing only a towel. This might not be the best place to talk but having Damon’s bare skin against his soothed Trevor’s nerves, settled his thoughts. But they couldn’t keep standing there because having Damon so close tempted Trevor to do more than talk. And while Damon was tolerating Trevor’s arms around him, he might not allow more than that.
“Well?”
Damn. Trevor had missed his deep voice. “Should we sit... or something?”
Damon glanced toward his bed and Trevor followed his gaze. If they sat there, it might tempt him more, but he’d follow the other man’s lead.
Damon lifted his chin. A silent invitation to sit on the bed. Trevor reluctantly dropped his arms and Damon moved to sit on the edge. His towel parted enough to expose a portion of his powerful thighs. He was always one to take care of himself, to exercise and eat healthy. He’d always encourage Trevor to do the same. And when they lived together, they worked out together. It wasn’t until the last year, once his mental health got back on track, did Trevor care once again about his physical health.
Between regularly scheduled therapy sessions and working out, he was in the best condition, both mentally and physically, he’d been in a long time.
He waited for that to happen, to get settled back in Boston with his own place, and get his business up and running so he was financially stable before approaching Damon.
Just in case Damon not only forgave him but wanted to try once again.
But he’d been too late. If only he’d had his shit together a couple months earlier, Damon might not have met this Mac.
Trevor moved to the bed, the one where Damon had sex with Mac, and sat next to him, their thighs lightly touching. He was pleased Damon didn’t pull away to give them more space.
“When you’re ready,” Damon encouraged.
Trevor studied Damon’s long, dark fingers against the light cream color of the thick towel. He curled his own to prevent himself from reaching out and intertwining theirs together.
“When I split, I went to the west coast.” Trevor closed his eyes for a moment and gathered his thoughts. “I went from BDSM club to BDSM club. The longer I was out there, the seedier the clubs I found. I wanted clubs that had no hard limits. Places where I could find
someone to give me what I needed.”
“What I couldn’t give you.”
“What you couldn’t give me,” Trevor confirmed. “Again, not your fault.”
Damon turned his head and stared at him, his brow crinkled. “You let strangers abuse you sexually.”
“More than that.”
“Physically? Worse than what you wanted me to do to you?”
“Much worse.”
“Fuck,” Damon muttered. He covered his face with his hands and yelled, “Fuck!” again even though it was muffled. “Why?”
“At first I didn’t know why. Nothing was enough to satisfy me. So even if you would’ve done what I asked you, it still wouldn’t have been enough. Nothing was ever enough. I was spiraling downward with self-destruction.”
“How many?”
Damon’s question interrupted his thoughts. He was trying to power through this but he hadn’t been expecting that question.
“How many what?” Trevor’s gut churned. He was hoping that Damon would tell him to never mind, he didn’t want to know. That wasn’t the case. For some reason, Damon needed to know.
“How many men were you with?”
Trevor wasn’t sure if Damon knowing an exact number would make a difference. “It wasn’t just men... But the truth is, I don’t know. There were many times I wasn’t conscious, and I’d wake up...” Heat licked at Trevor’s cheeks. He wasn’t one to be easily embarrassed, but he was ripping himself open in front of the only person who had ever truly loved him.
“You were raped...”
“I was used. If I’d been awake, I probably wouldn’t have said no.” So many times he’d blacked out due to the excruciating pain. In fact, he’d encourage the men or women he was with to take it to that point. To the point where he experienced so much pain it shut his body down and he felt nothing. That blissful state of nothingness.
“Have you been tested?”
Trevor nodded. “Yes. I’m lucky. Someone was looking out for me. A guardian angel. Someone.” He blew out a breath. He needed to push through this. Lay it all out and then judge Damon’s reactions. “Anyway, there came a point where I hit rock bottom. One morning I was found behind a dumpster, naked, bleeding, and burned with cigarettes. Police were called and I was arrested for solicitation, even though I wasn’t a whore. That was the day I ended up in a hospital. But it was only temporary until I was admitted into the rehab, where I got my head back on straight. Once I did, I realized what I’d lost. Who I’d lost. The only person who ever loved me. The only person who ever cared about me.”
A Daring Journey Page 10
