by J J Loraine
I’ll be the first to admit it, I’m a little pudgier than I’d like to be. I’m used to having these curves, but lately, with all the stress, I feel like I’m becoming less ‘thicc’ and more ‘thick’. I’d be worried to try on my old rugby uniform, in case it doesn’t fit... yes, I still have it. Don’t make fun of me!
If only I could call up the old self-discipline I used to thrive on. Not only could I use it in my personal life, but my work life would definitely benefit from a little more focus. Maybe I just need your yin to my yang. Things have never felt quite as right as they did when we were together.
Ever since I got you first letter, I’ve been thinking that maybe I just need you to be around again. Maybe if we go back to our old relationship, as the closest of friends, I’ll be able to get back into my groove. I don’t know if that’s possible, anymore, though.
After all these years apart, I’ve wished we were more honest when we were together. We loved being close, but we could never let ourselves get too close... I guess that goes back to what you were saying about not always being able to take a blind dive.
What would have happened if we started dating back then? I just can’t seem to get that thought out of my head.
Would we be living together in some happily-ever-after fairy tale, or would we be miserable and resentful?
I don’t know the answer to that question, and I’m not sure I want to know. If it’s good, then I know I’ll be filled with regret for not trying harder to stay close. If it’s bad... then what am I still holding out hope for?
Maybe we’re finally mature enough to confess our true feelings for one another?
What do you say?
Should we wait until your back or is a letter good enough?
It’s funny, last month, I could have gone the rest of my life, pushing these feelings deep inside of me, but now, after your letters, I just can’t seem to bear the thought of keeping them secret.
I just don’t want to risk never getting to tell you how I really felt... how I think I still really feel. But I don’t want to chase you away so quickly either, especially after we’ve just started to get close again.
How strange is it that the closest I’ve felt to you in years is when you’re so far away?
If you don’t feel comfortable having this conversation, I understand. I’ll be here waiting for as a friend when you make it back – and you WILL make it back, that’s an order! – but do you think we could ever be anything more than friends...?
I’m here.
You’re friend...
Jenny.
7
Cane
Dear Jenny,
YES!
Yes to everything. I’ve never felt so alive.
My troop and I finally made it back to basecamp yesterday. Our mission was a complete success. We’re being hailed as heroes already. I feel like I can do anything... including telling you how I really feel.
Truth is, Jenny... I love you. Always have; always will.
Ever since we met all those years ago in grade school, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be your man.
It’s weird, though. I don’t know if I actually knew that back then. It was just a feeling in my gut and in my heart. I wanted to hitch my wagon to your caboose and ride off into the sunset. I guess I was too immature to realize that it was more than just friendship.
I’ve grown up since we last saw each other. I’ve had a relationship or two, but in every one of them I felt like something was missing. No one could live up to the ideal our relationship set for me. For a long time, I thought your friendship had ruined my love life. How could I have a lover if she wasn’t also my best friend? It seemed impossible to find the two of those things mixed into one... until I realized that I had already found it long ago.
It was you. It was always you.
You’ve been in the back of my mind for every second of every day since we parted ways. I see you in your prom dress, or in your bathing suit... or in your rugby uniform. One day I realized that I wasn’t really looking for love in all these women I was chasing... I was just looking for you!
When I think of love, I think of you, Jenny. That’s the truth.
I know this is crazy. Who would’ve guessed I’d be confessing my love to you from ten thousand miles away? It’s funny that it took me being so far to finally feel close to you again.
I’m coming for you, Jen. I took that job and I’ve served my time. Now’s the moment for my blind plunge, will you take my hand and jump in with me?
I don’t know if you’ll get this letter before I get back, but I don’t care. If I have to repeat every word to you in person, I’ll do it.
Now’s our time, Jenny. The world’s ours and I’m going to help you see it that way. I’ll be the yin to your yang, the other half of your heart, your best friend and more!
If you get this before I get back, then could you do me a favor? Do you still have me on any social media? Send me a private message with your details. I want to be able to come over to your place, first thing. We have so much catching up to do!
Yours truly,
Cane.
8
Jenny
The words on the page lift my heart like a thousand balloons.
He loves me! He always did!
I knew it, but I also never dared consider anything more. I had the same journey as he did. When we first met as kids, he made my belly flutter and my heart tingle. He was my first real friend, so I thought that was just how good friends made you feel.
As we got older, though, I realized that it was something more, but by then it was too late. I valued our friendship so much that I didn’t dare risk change it in anyway.
I think that’s a big part of the reason why we let ourselves drift apart. We were both conditioned by that time not to take any big risks with each other, so we never reached out or broke ranks.
This time’s different, though. We’re older, but still young, and we know what we want. Cane’s been through hell and back and I’ve been struggling more than I care to admit, but that only means we feel like we don’t have anything to lose anymore; only everything to gain.
When I finish reading Cane’s latest letter, I immediately get on my laptop and search for every single one of his social media accounts. I blast him with messages about how I feel the same way. I send him my phone number and my apartment address.
When I’m done, I sit back and sink into my living room couch. My skin tingles and my heart beats like a jungle drum. I sigh and daydream about my future. Maybe life isn’t so bad after all. I was beginning to think that I might have peaked in high school. Oh, what a horror that would be. It’s not like I was a prom queen back then. Life was supposed to get better... and now it finally is.
I’m starting to contently doze off when I feel my phone vibrating on the cushion beside me. I immediately jump to attention. Could it be Cane already?
I grab my phone and open up the screen...
It’s an email from work. A client has ordered one of my demos. They want it by tomorrow.
I sigh again, but this time it’s not from happiness.
What am I even getting out of this job? I thought it’d be fulfilling to run my own company, but so far all it’s been is draining. It’s drained my energy and my bank account and now it’s threatening to drain my happiness.
I groan as I pick myself up of the comfy couch. If the client wants the demo by tomorrow, it means I’m going to have to set it up tonight, which means I’m going to have to go to the office to get it.
Just my luck. The love of my life finally confesses his feelings to me and instead of getting to bask in that warmth, I’m going to have to put on a jacket and brave the chilly fall weather outside...
Shit, and that’s not to mention the increasingly violent burglars who’ve been creeping around this area. Another couple was mugged and assaulted just a few nights ago...
I call for a car and wait until I can see it outside before I head out of my
apartment. I carry some pepper spray, just in case.
I also bring Cane’s letter. It burns a hole in my jacket pocket and makes me feel warm, despite it being cold enough out that I can see my breath.
I get in the cab and it pulls out onto the empty streets. I keep my hand gripped tightly around Cane’s words and my can of pepper spray.
I’m not going to let anything come in the way of our happy reunion.
9
Cane
I take a deep breath and then exhale.
I watch the swirls of vapor float out of my mouth like smoke and I can’t help but smile. It’s been so long since I’ve been somewhere cold enough to see my own breath. I missed it. It reminds me of home.
I am home...
Well, sort of. I don’t really feel like I have a home at this point. The hospital put me up in a hotel until I can find a place of my own. It’s nice, but it’s definitely not a home. I had to get out of that room asap.
I check my phone again; I’m not sure what I’m hoping for.
Jenny doesn’t have my number...
I wish I could check my social media accounts to see if she had gotten my last letter, but I haven’t had access to a computer yet. I still have to buy one. There’s so much stuff I need to get in order to properly re-enter civilian life. Even my current phone is too retro to get wi-fi.
I have time, I assure myself.
I got back this morning. Tomorrow I’ll go buy a new phone, one that can access the internet, and then I’ll check if Jenny has messaged me yet.
For now, though, I only know two things: what city she’s in and where she works. I only have an alright memory, but still, I’ve somehow managed to remember the address to her office building. I guess I’d seen it when I was checking out her CEO profile page and it just stuck.
It just so happens that it’s near my hotel. So, I decided to go check it out for myself.
The streets are understandably empty. It’s late on a weekday and probably colder than it’s been since for months. I love it all. I got sick of the scorching desert pretty quickly. I was also rarely alone during my deployment. I relish the open privacy of the empty streets.
I’m not exactly sure how to get to Jenny’s office, but a concierge at the hotel pointed me in the general direction. I’ve sort of been wandering randomly about as I aimlessly make my way towards where I think the building may be.
It’s nice not to have to worry about dying if I get lost. There are no armed enemies waiting around the corners. I turn onto a new street and I’m greeted only by storm drain steam and the occasional car. Once in a while a person walks by, but they don’t pay me any mind.
It’s bliss. Still, I can’t get Jenny out of my mind. I know I won’t be able to experience true bliss until I’m with her again.
I feel myself getting antsy as I round the corner onto the block where I think her office building is.
I see a cab idling about midway down the street.
I walk towards it, but keep my eyes trained on the buildings. I’m trying to make out the addresses when I hear the cab door open and a woman thank the driver.
That voice sounds familiar...
10
Jenny
I rifle through my purse for the keys to my office and the cab speeds off down the empty street.
I’m a little on edge. The city’s particular quiet tonight. I only saw a handful of people walking down the sidewalks on my way here.
I don’t like the idea of being so alone, especially not during the little crimewave that’s taken over my area.
I search through my purse while keeping my other hand primed on the pepper spray in my pocket.
My nerves are already strung out to their limits when I hear approaching footsteps echo through the empty street. I see a looming shadow grow on the sidewalk. I get my pepper spray ready.
Keep walking buddy...
The shadowy figure slows as he approaches me.
Before I can even think to look up, I feel a hand on my shoulder.
I jump back with all my might and whip out my pepper spray can. I press down on the nozzle and aim towards the stranger, but he grabs my wrist and sternly turns me away.
The red mist from my can sprays harmlessly to the side while I struggle against the strength of the stranger.
“Let go of me, you creep!” I shout out, half-blind, only hoping to alert someone nearby.
“Jenny! It’s me!”
I freeze.
That voice...
I force myself to focus on my ‘attacker’...
Oh my God...
It’s Cane!
My grip goes limp and the pepper spray falls from my hand. The can bounces off the pavement and careens sideways, at just the right angle to spurt its dying stream of mace right into both of our faces.
“Ah, what the fuck!” I scream, as the searing liquid covers my cheeks.
I hear Cane shout from beside me. Our bodies bump into each other as we flail about on the empty street like two love-sick junkies.
This was not how I was expecting our reunion to go....
11
Cane
I feel Jenny grab my hand and lead me somewhere. I can hardly see, but I follow her. I trust her, despite the fact that she just shot a bunch of mace into my face.
I’m such an idiot. What was I thinking? I know Jenny’s already on edge from the muggings and assaults that have been happening in her area, and I still didn’t say anything before I tried to surprise her.
To be fair, though, I didn’t realize it was her until the last second. Her voice had sounded familiar, but it was too dark to tell until I was close enough to touch, and then I couldn’t help myself. We used to surprise each other like that all the time. I guess habit just took over.
That was a stupid mistake... I hope she’s not too mad.
I hear her struggling to open up the door to her office building through the tears in her eyes.
“Jenny, I’m sorry!” I say, trying to sound repentant. I can’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all, though.
After a second, I hear the door open... and then she starts to giggle too.
“You idiot!” she yells, playfully. “You can’t be sneaking up on me like that anymore! Not after all the shit that’s been happening in my neighbourhood!”
“I know, I know,” I insist, as I try to rub my eyes clear. “I’m an idiot. I was just so excited when I realized it was you!”
We rush through the halls of the office. “Where are we going?” I ask.
“There’s a shower at the back. We’ve got to get this shit off of our skin.”
The pain in my eyes is almost masked by the warmth of her touch. I can hardly even believe it’s her hand dragging me along... it’s been so long... and I’ve already screwed everything up!
I hear another door open. Jenny’s hand pulls away from mine. “Here,” she says.
I look up through my stinging, teary eyes and see her turn the tap on the shower.
God, she’s more beautiful than ever!
Water bursts out of the head and Jenny starts taking off her top.
“Come on now. This stuff will seep into your skin if you don’t wash it off quickly enough.”
I don’t have the will to defy her. I bite my lip through the pain as I see the bare skin of her back being exposed before me.
I haven’t been with a woman in so long...
I feel myself getting hard beneath my pants. I can’t hop into a shower with Jenny like this... not so soon, at least.
I hesitate.
“jenny...” I say through the tears in my eyes. “You go first. I’ll wait.”
I hear that old familiar huff of hers as she turns around. The world shimmers in a blur through the pain, but somehow her naked body is crystal clear.
I stop rubbing my eyes and let the sting consume me. I don’t care anymore. All I see are Jenny’s glorious curves.
She grabs my hand and pulls me towards the shower. “
Nonsense,” she insists.
I barely manage to shimmy off my pants before I hit the water.
12
Jenny
That body. God, how I miss that body.
It’s different, but the same. Cane’s as lean as ever, but way more muscular than he could have ever hoped to be when we were younger.
We both stand under the stream of water with our eyes shut. The water’s hot, but the heat of Cane’s body is even hotter. I keep trying to catch a glimpse below his waistline. He was clearly getting hard before I dragged him under the water.
I inch slightly closer to him. The sting is finally starting to leave my eyes. I take another glimpse down below.
Oh my God...
I see him at full mast for me. He’s huge. I immediately get an irresistible temptation to touch him. I hesitate for a moment, before realizing that we’ve already confessed our feelings to one another; there’s no need to wait another second.
I kiss his broad, glistening shoulder. His body is so hard and tight.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
His eyes finally open. He looks down at me. His cheeks are comically red, but his blue irises sparkle just like I remember.
“Better now,” he smiles.
“I was going to surprise you with my rugby uniform... but I guess this is a little more revealing,” I sheepishly admit.
Cane turns towards me. He’s so tall that I barely go up to the bottom of his neck. God, his body is amazing. All that time in the army has really chiseled up his features. He’s ripped as hell now. He’s got a bulging chest and washboard abs and his biceps are like boulders. My nipples go hard and point out towards him. I only want to touch him.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he says. His voice is familiar but deeper than I remember. I melt for him.
He steps forward and we both close our eyes again. we’ve done enough looking, it’s time to feel.
I stand on my tiptoes and feel his soft, wet lips wrap around mine. His coarse stubble rubs against my tender skin. My legs quiver as I feel his giant throbbing manhood rub up against my belly. My breasts brush against his chest as we push into each other.
