by Fiona Zedde
It’s not about the boy or my lack of compassion or anything else she’s said tonight.
It’s what I didn’t do for the other humans and for the girl who died in her arms that’s upset her the most.
Now it’s my turn to pace back and forth. My high heels ring against her pretty wooden floor, gouging the pale wood with each step. Why is she being so frustrating?
“I can’t save everyone. That’s not my job, and I’m not going to pretend that it is just to get you to like me better.”
She grabs my arm to stop my pacing and steps even more into my space. “This is not about me liking you better and you know that. It doesn’t make sense for you not to save people when you can.”
Her fingers dig into my elbow, but I allow the unfamiliar pain instead of pulling away. “Just because you’re able to do something doesn’t mean you should,” I say.
“That’s exactly what it fucking means,” Mai growls. “Why don’t you understand that?” She makes another sound of frustration and her voice rises. “I hate it’s so easy for you to kill, Xóchitl. Especially when you took your revenge as the Absolution Killer. It’s subhuman.”
Subhuman? Is this what she thinks of me?
Slowly, I release a calming breath. “Actually, the desire to kill is one of the most human impulses.” A second breath expands my lungs, but it doesn’t help the dangerous combination of anger and hurt rising in me. “You know, I think we’re done here for the night.”
“No!” Mai rushes toward me, and I slip quickly sideways and away from the door until the open window is to my back instead. “I didn’t mean…” But she can’t finish the sentence because she did mean every word.
“It’s fine. We’ll talk more another time.” And then, because it hurts too much to do otherwise, I leave, leaping high up to the open window and out into the cold evening.
Chapter 18
My anger doesn’t take me very far. Only to the rooftop of Mai’s apartment building, staring down into the quiet darkness and wishing for things that could not be.
Subhuman. That’s what she thinks of me and still lets me touch her?
The cocktail of emotions writhes dangerously in my stomach, and it’s all I can do not to lean my head over the side of the roof and heave up my dinner. But no. I have more control than that. Or I used to before I met Mai.
A sound coming from the window I’d just slipped through jerks my attention downward. It’s Mai. No, Mercy.
My woman’s alter ego sits poised on the edge of the open window. From above, I see the sloping line of her back, her head bent as she seems to listen to the sounds of the city. In her oxblood skin, she’s costumed and on the hunt for some lost lambs to rescue and distract her from the tension between us. Because I’m a fool, I follow her.
It’s a quiet night in Atlanta, though, and all Mai is able to find is a coldly calculating man threatening his wife with a pistol he doesn’t even bother to take from the gun safe.
Radiating tension and discontent, Mai perches on the porch of a Grant Park bungalow and watches what’s going on in the house while I watch her.
A man is lecturing his wife. “Don’t go out with your friends again without my permission. You will respect me and my time. I gave you this nice house and that ice on your finger, and I can easily take it all away with one bullet.”
The man sits in his armchair with the television on a cooking show. Oil splashes in the pan on-screen while his wife sits in a green velvet armchair, designed to look like a throne, with her hands crossed over a knee and her eyes fixed on her husband.
Her eyes are cold, but even from far away I can see the bone-deep fear in them. Looks like she’s been putting up with him for a long time.
The man waves a hand without taking his eyes off the television. A king dismissing his subject. “Now, go and put on the outfit I left for you on the bed. Make the recipe on page fourteen of this week’s cookbook, and don’t get the dress dirty. Be the good little wife I pay you to be.”
It’s all terrifying in an everyday sort of way. The man is handsome. The woman beautiful. Their house is perfect.
When the frightened woman disappears into a far bedroom, Mai calls the police, says she’s a concerned neighbor, then slips away from the house and practically flies through trees and across rooftops to get back to her apartment.
Despite my roiling stomach that refuses to settle down, I follow her every step.
Chapter 19
Despite my decision to stay away from Mai, I keep circling back to her, and by default, to the Redstones.
Before our fight, she asked me to come to another one of her family events. Because I’m an idiot, I said yes without hesitation. After that ridiculous dinner a few weeks ago, how much worse could things get?
The heels of my ankle boots clatter up the stone walkway. Flower-scented air brushes my face, and I inhale the sweetness with every step, my heart tripping over itself in anticipation of being in the same space with Mai again.
The park is wide and lush: a pretty space with flowers bright and blooming everywhere, butterflies kissing wide-open petals, and the low sound of classic jazz from over hedge. It’s beautiful, and I feel as if I don’t belong.
“Good afternoon.” A pleasant enough Meta host greets me at the entrance to the garden, an archway with sweet-smelling roses dripping down, their thorns hidden or cut off.
“I’m here for the Redstone event. Xóchitl Bentley.”
“Of course.” He doesn’t bother to consult any sort of list that I can see, only bows to me with another smile and invites me past.
As promised by the high arbor and red, red roses, the setting of the garden party is almost too beautiful. Flowers everywhere. At least two dozen people in spring colors. A long table set up away from the sun with every kind of food imaginable.
The air throbs and hums from the presence of so many power-rich Metas in one place.
Jazz plays from speakers that reach every part of the private garden. Small tables set for four and covered by deep purple tablecloths rest under wide, white umbrellas. The conversations around me happen in hushed, polite tones. Everyone is dressed in rich-casual.
Where is Mai?
My mind automatically reaches out for her. And encounters a brick wall. I stand still, floundering in the proof of how much she’s pushed me away.
Swallowing the thick pain, I use my eyes to find her. And there she is.
Pretty in a yellow dress and bright red heels, she’s talking with her sister. Abi, animated as ever, describes something while her hands wave around her head and her teeth flash in a long laugh. Her tie-dyed cotton dress is a loud splash in the sea of mostly white.
I head toward them.
“You did manage to make it after all.” Mai’s brother pops out of the greenery near me. If he was hoping to scare me, he’s missed it by a mile.
“Cayman.” I can’t even add the usual “nice to see you” because it’s definitely not.
At one point, I’d had vague hopes similar to Mai’s for her brother to be less of an asshole. Being unknowingly complicit in Ethan’s attempted assassination of Mai seemed to be something of a nasty surprise to Cayman. At the time, it looked like he took stock of things, especially the way he’d been treating Mai for years. But then something happened. Mai doesn’t know what, and I don’t, either. I’m sure I could find out, but for what purpose? Nothing would change.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” Cayman says to me with a grin. “At least Mai didn’t mention it. I expected you guys to show up at these kinds of things together.”
“I’m sure your expectations are rarely my reality,” I say with a shrug.
His smile slips a notch. Then it widens, warning me he’s about to say something I won’t like.
“I know you were a little upset that we asked Mai to step in and speak on Ethan’s behal
f at the hearing—”
“Upset?” What a conveniently tame word. “You could say that. Weren’t you there to see how Ethan tried to tear Mai’s head off? Didn’t that convince you he was even a little guilty of what the enforcers accused him of?”
“He’s a Redstone. With us, things usually aren’t what they seem.” He made a face as if tasting something bad just before spitting it out. “Besides, the family doesn’t always have the luxury to do what’s right.”
If that’s not a commentary on what’s wrong with this world and this family, I don’t know what is.
“I doubt I’m telling you anything new, but as Head Family of the region, you should do what’s right for the Metas here,” I say. “How long can the other Families look to the Redstones for leadership when you allow a killer to go free just because he’s a member of a powerful family? Your family.”
Cayman winces but doesn’t back down. “Do you know how rare it is to have someone as powerful as Ethan now? We’re dying out as a power-rich people.”
Is that all this is about? Sacrificing Mai for the sake of a few parlor tricks?
“And so what? Harvest the boy’s spunk if that’s something you’re so worried about. Don’t spare him so he can kill again.”
Cayman’s eyes narrow as he gives me a considering look. “You’re not all that you seem, are you?”
“I’m angry if that’s what you’re asking.”
He lets out a huff of laughter. “And here I thought you were just another boring, barely Meta who Mai decided to mess around with in her endless search for mediocrity.”
Heat pulses in my clenched fist. “You really are an asshole, aren’t you?”
His eyes bug out a little bit. Like he isn’t used to people telling him the truth. “You’re definitely not what I thought when we first met.”
“Hm. I was being nice for Mai.”
His look is pure speculation. “I guess you stopped being nice.”
“Not yet, but close.”
The sound of Mai’s laughter suddenly rises up and claims my attention. Cayman fades to the back of my awareness and all I feel is Mai. Not in my mind like I want her, but that flush of goosebumps over my skin and woman’s scent of her on the air.
Time to break this stupid stalemate.
“Well, it was almost fun chatting with you, Cayman. I’m sure we’ll do it again soon.” Then I leave him to find the reason I’m swimming with these sharks.
“Xóchitl!” Abi waves to get my attention before I get too far. She walks toward me like a woman on a mission, her long hippie dress kicking out with each step.
I meet her halfway. “Nice weather for a family fun day.”
Her eyes flash with faint humor. “I don’t even know what this is supposed to be. We have these informal get-togethers here at least once a month so we can see each other and help build strength and unity as a family, but I don’t see it doing any good.”
“As far as I can tell, except for Mai, the Redstones are plenty united.” Their strength is a given.
Regret flashes in her eyes before she slides them away from mine. “It’s not—it’s not what you think. My brother is jealous, and it’s turning him into an ass.”
What’s Mandaia’s excuse? The question crouches behind my teeth, but I push it back to play nice. “What does he have to be jealous about?” I ask instead. “He suddenly has a burning desire for his mother’s apathy, too, or something?”
So, playing nice doesn’t always work out so well for me.
“It’s so the opposite,” Abi says, apparently not catching my venom. “In the last couple of months, Mom hasn’t stopped talking about Mai. You know, about all the new stuff she can do and saying how much she regrets not being there for Mai when Mai needed her most—whatever that means.”
A shrug hitches her shoulder and a look of bewilderment turns down the corners of her mouth. “She says this stuff to me and Cayman, but never to Mai.” Her eyes dart to where her brother is chatting with someone whose face I can’t see. He looks aggressively cheerful, reaching over to slap the man’s shoulder while drinking from his manly glass of dark liquor. “Cayman hates it. He’s used to having all our parents’ attention.”
“Maybe he just needs a good punch in the face to teach him that sharing is caring. Or at least good for his health.”
Whatever she catches in my tone brings her chin up. “It’s not just Cayman, is it? You don’t like any of us very much.”
“No, I don’t.” Then because she’s not my enemy and Mai loves her, I add, “Can you blame me?”
She pauses, chewing on her bottom lip like she’s actually thinking about it. “I guess I can’t. It…it’s still so strange to see what my family has become while I’ve been away. Dad seems so emotionally absent from everything while Mom is harder and colder than I’ve ever seen. Most days, my brother is a raging dick to everyone around him.” Her lashes flutter down to hide her eyes and she shrugs, conveying a sad hopelessness that makes me almost want to hug her in reassurance. “I dunno, maybe we’ve always been like this and I never noticed.”
I cross my arms to keep the hug to myself. “It’s not for me to say. All I know is that I want Mai safe and happy, and that’s hard to have with her family around.” My head tilts in her direction. “You being the obvious exception.”
“But how fucked up is that, though? Why can’t we just be normal?”
“My aunt would say normal is boring.”
A tremor of a smile touches her mouth. “But at least it’s safe.”
I can’t argue with her there.
She stops trying to chew her own lip off and puts on a look of determined cheerfulness. “Come on, I’ll take you over to Mai.”
Abi doesn’t try to touch me, but she steps closer as we head over to where Mai stands off by herself, checking something on her phone.
“You know, sometimes I just want to run back to Switzerland and leave all this strange drama behind,” Abi says.
“Why don’t you?”
Abi shoves her hands in the pockets of her dress. “It’s stupid, but I don’t want to leave Mai alone again.”
“That’s not stupid. It’s love. I know she’d be sad if you left.”
Hanging out with her sister these past few months has been good for Mai. She laughs more. It shows her what family is supposed to feel like. These outings with Abi have given her some of the greatest moments of happiness in the months we’ve been together.
Other than when she’s with me, obviously.
When we reach Mai, she’s just putting away her phone. All around her, the other Redstones and hangers-on drift like sharks waiting for blood to hit the water.
“Look who I found,” Abi announces with a smile when Mai looks up with a kind of twisted hope on her face. At least that’s what I think it is.
“Hi.” I drift close to her, close enough to let her know that I’m here, and unless she throws me to wolves, I’ll always be here. “Sorry I’m late.” I offer her myself, soft-eyed and open, hoping she didn’t tell them I wasn’t coming at all.
“It’s okay,” Mai says. “I wasn’t sure about…” Her words taper off with a shrug, and all I want to do is hold her and tell her that with me she never has to be uncertain about anything. But it’s a fantasy that doesn’t even work out in my own mind.
“You’re right on time, I think.” This time it’s Caressa who joins our party.
Abi waves at her cousin with a cheek-plumping smile. “I didn’t think you’d come today, Caressa. Didn’t you say you had to be in DC this week for work?”
“I did, but just shuffled around some things in my schedule. Didn’t want to miss the annual garden party.”
“Really?” Mai slides her cousin a questioning look. “You hate these things. Something about the bugs and too-hot sun.”
Caressa makes a dismis
sive motion of her shoulders bared in a jade, strapless jumpsuit. “A girl can change her mind.”
“I guess…” Mai looks doubtful.
Caressa’s eyes narrow for a moment before her face smooths itself into its usual pleasant blandness. “Xóchitl, I heard about the gun incident at your university the other day. You must have been scared witless.”
A minute flinch moves through Mai’s body, something that would have gone unnoticed unless you were paying attention. I’m paying attention.
I send a wave of calm to Mai before I remember she’s locked me out. “It was bad but the school is doing everything it can so that kind of thing won’t happen again.” Silently, I will Caressa to leave it alone.
But apparently, I sent my shut the hell up thoughts to the wrong person.
“I heard about it, too. News about it was on all the TV stations,” Abi says with a sympathetic sound. “Those poor kids!”
Caressa nods, her forehead wrinkled in concern. “In the end, the boy shooter was killed, and dozens of students were saved. It would’ve been much worse if some brave souls hadn’t stepped forward to help.”
“From what I saw on the news, it was a crazy nightmare. Something we never thought would happen so close to us.” Abi puts her arm around Mai’s waist and pulls her close. “The usual batch of meaningless words were flying around afterward, along with a complete lack of discussion on gun reform.”
“Business as usual,” I say with a pointed look at Caressa. “Isn’t that part of your job, Senator? To see that it’s more than words that end up on the front page then forgotten once the blood on the pavement is dry?”
“When you put it that way…” Caressa’s tone is amused, and she turns her eyes on me, just enough to feel a vague pull that lets me know she’s trying to influence me. Amateur hour. “I’m doing what I can,” she says, and the mental pull on me intensifies.
“Try harder.”
“Xóchitl!” From the circle of her sister’s embrace, Mai gasps with a tap on my hand that feels like a kiss. It’s been forever since we touched. “Stop being rude.”
