“I’m glad nothing ever happened to you.”
I kiss him again pouring all the love I have for him into it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tracie
Torch pulls away from me. “I showed you mine. Now show me yours.”
I look down, every inch of me screaming to run and hide. I can’t though. I need to tell him everything. It’s the only way for this to really work. “Okay. What do you want to know?”
“For starters, where did this whole ‘I can’t date bikers’ thing come from? Was it that night?” His hands are still on my hips.
I move away from him. I now understand why he wanted his space as he went through his story. “No, it was before then. The night my parents died, my mom and I just had a conversation about the kind of boy I should try to find. She had found me flirting with one of the prospects and took me into one of the rooms to talk. She said as much as she loved my dad, she didn’t want this life for me. That as happy as she was, there were times when she could feel so lonely. It was one of the last things she said to me. I always felt getting involved with a brother would be like betraying her, so I tried to date normal guys. I tried to find a guy that had a good family and nice job like she said, and I hated them all. Every inch of me is a part of this life and I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I’ve had nightmares that I die on the back of a bike the way she and my dad did, and I can hear her saying that she tried to warn me.”
Tears start to fall from my eyes.
I miss my parents so much.
“I know that if your mom saw that none of those guys made you happy she wouldn’t have wanted you to force it. I’m sure now all she wants for you is to be happy.” His voice is softer and I nod as I let his words sink in knowing that they’re true.
“Was that all you wanted to know?” A hopeful part of me wishes that he’ll say yes, but knows that he won’t.
His throat clears. “I know that there’s a lot you aren’t saying about what happened that night. You told us all the bare minimum that night with Lucy. I can feel it standing between us. Sometimes I’ll catch a flash in your eyes and I know that you’re remembering and it kills me. If the fucker wasn’t already dead, I’d drain the last breath from him myself.”
I pace needing to move if I’m going to be able to talk about the devil who haunts my nightmares. “For the longest time, I didn’t think I would ever be okay. I know a lot of you just thought I was a moody teenager. I spent every single day in my room with the door locked, hiding in the shower. I was convinced he would get out early, that he would come back for me. I couldn’t let a man touch me and for the longest time I teared up anytime one looked at me in that way. I tried to have sex with one guy I was dating a few months ago and I went home and cried for hours after. Anytime I was in close contact with a guy I would panic. He made sure that he marked me in every way he could that night. He had drilled it into my head that brotherhood would trump any loyalty that was held to me. That it would be my word against his and he would win.” Tears start to fall and I hate that he can still pull these emotions from me after all this time.
“When he came back and Lucy said that he had hit on her, it made me physically sick. I knew he wouldn’t care that she was Whip’s old lady. You guys were all in church though and we couldn’t get to you, then he caught up to her and everything exploded.” My hand runs through my hair. “I think the best day of my life was when Shooter confirmed that he had been killed. It meant that even though I couldn’t get rid of him in my head I didn’t have to worry about him coming back for me. I hated that he put fear between me and the people I cared about.”
I turn to face Torch. “I pushed you away for all those years out of fear. My fears because of what Viper did to my body and mind. My fear of betraying my mother and disappointing her. I lived my life for everyone but me all those years. The day I said yes to you was the first time I actually did something for me.”
I walk closer to him unable to tear my eyes away from the man who spent years waiting for me. There were plenty of respectable girls interested in Torch. Girls who would have made good old ladies. He turned them all away. “Why did you wait for me?”
His hands cup my face. “Because I knew that when you finally let me in, let me have you, that it would be the most mind blowing thing I’ve ever experienced. I knew that you were meant for me, you just weren’t ready to see it yet. You needed time and I knew that you would be worth the wait.” His lips brush my jawline. “I was right, Trace. You were worth every minute of it.”
I crush my lips to his needing to feel him against me. I need him to understand how much I care about him. I pull myself tight against him. We pull apart and I rest my head in the crook of his neck.
“God, I love you.” I sigh.
The both of us freeze at my admission.
I didn’t mean to let that slip out. It is way too soon for me to have said that to him. Sure, we’ve known each other for years, but we’ve only been a couple a short amount of time. He’s gonna run.
I know he is.
I pull my head back to look at him.
His thumb strokes my cheek. “I have loved you since your birthday two years ago. You were supposed to go out with one of those idiots, but you came home early. I was the only one at the clubhouse. Do you remember?”
I nod. I couldn’t forget that night. It was the first time I saw him as more than one of the brothers.
A knock at my door makes me jump.
I swipe the stray tear from my face. Tonight was supposed to be amazing. I had a date with Billy. I thought that he would have had all these plans for my birthday. It is the first time I’ve ever had a date on my birthday.
Shooter and most of the guys are on a run so we are all celebrating when they get back tomorrow. I thought that at least my boyfriend would maybe get me a cake, sing happy birthday, something. He didn’t even have any idea that it was today, even though I had mentioned it last week. That showed me how important I was to him.
I don’t even know why I try. I swear sometimes I think I’m destined to be alone. Every single try at a relationship I have is a major fail.
The knock sounds again. I realize that I completely forgot about it. I open the door to see Torch standing there. What the hell could he want?
“Hey, anyway you could give me a hand in the kitchen for a minute?”
He walks away before I respond and all I can do is shake my head. I swear all I am to them is their maid service. I pad across the main room and into the kitchen. Once I reach the doorway, I freeze. In the middle of the island is a chocolate cupcake with a candle in it.
“I’d sing, but trust me when I say you don’t want to hear that shit. Happy birthday, Trace.” He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek.
“You did this for me?” I can’t hide my shock.
“Yeah, I mean everyone should have cake on their birthday. It’s like a rite of passage.” He shrugs like he didn’t just do a really nice thing for me.
We had spent the rest of the night talking and having a few drinks. It was the first time I felt a connection with Torch.
“I love you, Tracie. I’ve just been waiting till you were ready to love me back.”
He kisses me again and I wrap my arms around him so tight as if I’m scared that he’ll disappear.
A small part of me actually is.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tracie
Today I’m going to visit Lucy at the hospital. I’ve tried to get up there a few times, but with everything going on it’s been hectic. Walking in, I spot her sitting in a chair next to Anna’s incubator. It’s so sad to visit her and see her like this, at the same time we all know how much of a blessing it is to have Anna here.
We all still have prospects assigned to us until the boys take care of whatever threat is looming over us this time. A part of me thinks that they must resent being our babysitters.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming for a visit.” Lucy stands up slowly a
nd gives me a hug. She’s still in rough shape from surgery but nothing could keep her from being here every day.
“Yeah, I wanted to stop by and see my little niece. How are you doing?” I sit down next to her.
“I’m okay. Just trying to take things one day at a time. This all still feels so unreal.” She shakes her head as she looks at the tiny baby.
“Have you seen Nikki at all?”
“No.” She wipes a tear from her eye. “She hasn’t been up here. A part of me thinks it’s because Anna survived and Lily didn’t. I think it’s hard for her. I need to get over there and see her soon.”
I put my hand on her shoulder. I can see why she feels the way she does. “I don’t think that’s it, babe. She has pulled away from all of us. No one has really seen or talked to her since the funerals. I’m actually going over there after I leave here if you want to come with me. I’m surprising her because I know if I call first she’ll tell me not to come.”
She seems to think it over before looking up at me. “Okay, I’ll come. I can’t stay for long though. I don’t like leaving her.”
“Deal. I think seeing some friendly faces will do her good.” We talk a little more about the baby and Lucy lets me know some of the progress she’s been making. While her road is still long, she’s doing great.
My phone buzzes and when I pull it out I see that it’s a text. “That was Twisted. He just left the house and we can head over if we want.”
Lucy bites her lip as she looks at her daughter. “Okay. I’ll be back soon, beautiful girl.”
I couldn’t imagine having a baby and not being able to take her home with me. Having to spend her first couple months in a hospital, I know that it’s taking its toll on her.
We don’t talk much on the drive over to Nikki’s, which is fine because the two of us start to hum along to the radio. For the short drive it almost feels like things are back to the way they used to be. When we pull up in front of Nikki’s house, a part of me wonders if just dropping in on her is the right thing to do. When I mentioned it to Twisted, he said it was the only way to see her because she won’t answer the phone or the door if anyone knocks. I grab the spare key from where he told me he left it and head up to the house.
“Do you think she’ll get pissed at us?” Lucy whispers as we climb the steps.
“From everything I hear, at least if she’s pissed she will be feeling something.” I unlock the door and the two of us walk in. The house is quiet, so I walk down the hallway to her bedroom. When I open the door she isn’t in there. Lucy peeks in the bathroom and shakes her head too. My eyes look at the only room left in the hallway where she could be and it breaks my heart.
Lily’s room.
I slowly turn the knob and the sight in front of me instantly brings tears to my eyes. Nikki is curled up on Lily’s bed, sobbing, and holding onto her favorite stuffed animal like it might fly away if she lets it go. The door creaks and she looks up to see us standing there. None of us say anything. What is there to say? I walk over to the bed, lie down next to her and wrap my arm around her. I just need her to know that she isn’t alone. After a minute, the bed dips again and Lucy’s lying on the other side, her hand draped around Nikki also.
The three of us lie there for the longest time. We cry together grieving the loss of someone we all loved. Being there for each other and providing a support system for each other.
Nikki is the first one to talk. “I don’t know what to do without her here.”
I want to respond to her. I want to give her the answer she is looking for but there isn’t one. “You live, as best you can, which we know right now won’t be much. You have to live though, Nik.”
She nods. “I tried. Everything I would do, everything anyone would say made me think of her. I couldn’t handle it.”
This time Lucy sits up and wipes her stray tears from her eyes. “That’s just it. It’s okay to think of her, you should. No one wants or expects you to forget her. None of us will ever forget her. The guys have all been calling Anna ‘Princess’ and I’m sure Lily is super happy about that.”
We all laugh remembering how much she used to bug Lucy about naming the baby Princess.
I put my arms round Nikki. “We miss you, babe, everyone does. We just wanted you to know that we’re here for you whenever you need us. Just say the word.”
We all sit there not talking much except a few words here and there, but it’s nice being together again.
Lucy clears her throat. “I don’t mean to be the party pooper, but I need to get back to the hospital. Want me to call one of the boys for a ride, Trace?”
I’m about to tell her I could take her then come back, when Nikki chimes in. “You know I still haven’t seen the baby. Maybe I will come. I think it’s time.”
Lucy breaks out in a huge smile. “I would love that.”
The three of us head to the hospital and I can’t help but be hopeful that our little group has hit a turning point.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Torch
Today, Twisted, Whip and I are meeting with Roundman, the president of the Hellions, to see if they would be willing to back us in our attack against the Black Ghosts. We know that they should be meeting soon so we don’t have much time to lock this all down.
The clubs have watched each other’s backs a few times in the past but nothing this big before. We don’t know if they will agree to fight a battle that isn’t theirs.
Usually, agreeing to meet on another club’s territory isn’t something we would do, but since we are the ones asking for a favor we thought it would be a show of good faith. We are stopped at the gate and the prospect confirms that we have permission to be here.
Walking into the main room I see that it’s cleared out. No club whores, no brothers besides their pres, VP, and sergeant. This is good so far. We are all on equal ground.
“I have to say I was surprised when you said you wanted to have a meeting here. It’s not how we usually do things.” Roundman looks us over. I can tell that he’s suspicious of our intentions coming here because it’s so out of the norm. Honestly, he’d be a shit leader if he wasn’t.
“I know and it’s because I have a favor to ask with the understanding that if you help us, we will owe you. We have a club that’s trying to rise to power locally. They aren’t too big yet, but they’re stupid and they’re reckless, which is a dangerous combination. They’re the ones that torched the clubhouse a couple weeks ago. We lost our president, two prospects, my VP’s mother, and-and my daughter.” Twisted clears his throat.
“I’m sorry to hear that, brother. Shooter was a good man. While I didn’t know everyone else, I’m sorry for your loss. What exactly do you want from us?” He sits back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest.
Twisted takes a breath. I know he feels like we need them, but he doesn’t want them to know that. “We want support, backup. We are going after them. One shot, we want to demolish the whole lot of them. They came after us without being provoked and did it in the worst way. They need to be wiped clean. We could probably get through it alone, but with support it would be a fucking cakewalk.”
“So you expect us to jump into a fight that isn’t ours just so things aren’t too hard for you?” His VP next to him shakes his head. He is obviously not in favor of helping us.
“In a way, yes. I also think that it would send a message to our enemies. Mess with one of us, deal with both. It will make people more apprehensive to go up against us.”
This seems to catch his attention. “I need to bring things like this to the table. We’ll vote on it and I’ll give you a call tonight.”
Twisted had told Roundman the meeting would be something that required him to call for a vote so he already had his members ready to meet for church later.
“Thanks for seeing us. I’ll talk to you later.” Twisted shakes his hand and we walk out of the clubhouse getting on our bikes and hoping that our allies choose to stand with us instead of on
the sidelines cheering us on.
The entire ride home all I could think about was this upcoming confrontation. I have no doubt that we have the manpower and aside from that we are hungry for revenge. That thirst can make a ten-man army feel like one hundred. When the day comes, we will be fully prepared to rip those bastards limb from limb until there is nothing left that they can identify them by.
We head back to the warehouse to wait for the decision from the Hellions. Our boys are all waiting because once we hear their decision we are all going to have church to formulate our plan of attack. We can’t do it before because it will obviously be different if we have twice the manpower.
I text Tracie once we get there to let her know that tonight will be a late night. All the girls are at my house because we don’t have enough manpower to have one with each of them, plus since we are having church only prospects can be out watching family.
I remember my prospect days and it fucking sucked. You were basically a nobody. You weren’t invited to church. You couldn’t sit at the table. While you were at the events you were just security. Any shit jobs were assigned to you. The process really weeds out the men who can’t handle doing what they’re told or working as part of a whole. As much as we are all pig-headed and stubborn, we also know that we are a unit. A unit has to function as one or it will fall apart.
Twisted’s phone rings and he gives Whip and me a nod. We follow him into the room.
“Club voted. We’ll stand with you. Condition is though that the next time we need a favor and we call on you, you’re there no exceptions.” Roundman’s voice comes through and I think all of us breathe a sigh of relief.
Twisted smiles. This is his first accomplishment as president. There were a lot of brothers who were skeptical that the Hellions would join us. “I appreciate it. We are here whenever you need us. We are gonna have church here in a minute to come up with a plan then I’ll call you to hash out details.” They end the call and the three of us just stand there for a few minutes. “Whip, call the boys in for church, we got a war to plan.”
Chaos Page 9
