by Harlow James
“What?” Piper interjects. “Why?”
“Because if we remove the lump, who’s to say it won’t return? I have the gene, Piper.” Then I turn to Rachel. “My mother died from breast cancer seven years ago. It was vicious and took her within four months of us finding out. I don’t want that to happen. So my breasts have to go.”
Rachel hangs her head in her hands as Piper starts to ugly cry. And as I watch them, my dam finally breaks, drops of salty water flowing freely from my eyes as I try to bat them away. “It’s going to be okay, girls. I’m going to be fine,” I say through clouded tears, hoping and praying that I’m right. I feel confident in my decision for treatment, but who knows what the future may hold.
“Are you—are you going to get implants?” Piper finally speaks.
I nod. “Yes. They are going to do it all at the same time. I have to take about four weeks off from work and then start radiation. But the good news is, no chemo.”
“I just—I can’t believe this, Jess. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” Rachel mutters.
“I always knew this was a possibility, but I didn’t think it would happen this early in my life. And now with Brooks…”
“Oh no! His mom,” Rachel realizes as Piper shakes her head at me.
“She thinks she needs to leave him, Rach. She doesn’t want him to have to stand by her side as well.”
“What?” Rachel turns back to me. “That’s bullshit. He loves you!”
“He hasn’t said the words, but deep down I think he does. And that’s just it. What if this comes back? What if it kills me too? His mom isn’t getting any better, although he should know for sure when they do new scans next week. But I don’t want him to watch his mother die like I did, heaven forbid, and then also have him wonder later on in his life if he would lose me too. It’s not fair to him.”
“Jess…” Rachel starts, but I cut her off.
“No. I have to let him go. I can’t tell him.”
“Jess, can I just say something?” Piper speaks softly, pulling my eyes back to her. “Just a few months ago you were afraid that you would never find a man that would be your forever. And then you met Brooks. He broke down every wall you put up, asked you to trust him, and opened up to you in a way that is difficult for anyone to do, let alone a put together man. Don’t you think that if you only get ten, fifteen, or twenty years on this earth, that you deserve to be with him and he deserves you? Don’t you think that should be his choice?”
Tears spill over my cheeks as she explains to me how far I’ve come in my quest to find my forever, how Brooks quickly became the man I wanted everything with. I just don’t know that I have forever to give.
“What if I can’t give him children, Piper?”
“I have that same fear and obstacle, you know?” She counters.
“Shit, I know. And I’m sorry. I just…”
“And the only thing that helps me keep hope is Cash—it’s the man beside me that loves me no matter what. That’s what matters. I know he supports me and loves me even if I can’t give him the future I want to.”
Rachel leans forward. “I’d give anything for Luke to let me stand by his side and give him hope, Jess, even though I know his life has been anything but easy. We all fight battles, but it’s the people beside us that help us win.”
I crumble back in my chair as my two best friends stand and come over to me, holding me as I sob. I thought I could do this alone; I thought that’s what I wanted. But maybe I just need to accept that fact that although the tide has changed, my support system has not.
I just don’t know how to ask Brooks to be that for me when he’s already devoted to his mom.
Chapter 26
Brooks
I have three words sitting on the tip of my tongue and a ring burning a hole in my sock drawer for the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
The only problem is—that woman has recently started to avoid me.
After the dinner with my mom, I honestly felt like things between Jess and I were on the right track. I knew seeing my mother would stir up memories for her, but Jess assured me she was okay. They got along so well, and my mother told me with one-hundred percent confidence that she knew Jess was the one for me.
I felt high. Secure. Positive that things were serendipitously falling into place. We were great. Happy. Addicted to each other.
Until suddenly we weren’t.
I swear I felt things shift right around my mother’s last treatment, which lead me to believe that maybe Jess was just having a hard time thinking about seeing her mother go through the same thing. I know if it were me, that’s what would go through my head.
But over the past week and a half, she’s barely spoken to me. Her texts are brief, phone calls are filled with silence, and we’ve yet to be alone together since that night I went to her place.
My intuition tells me that there’s something going on and she’s running, letting her fear pull her away from me. But I know Jess, and when she’s committed to something, she doesn’t run. It’s just like when she ran to that accident as a teenager—she dedicates herself to a moment and immerses herself in it.
Harboring that knowledge, her recent actions only lead me to believe that she fears something, or I did something to make her mad again. I’m not sure what that would be, and since she won’t really talk to me on the phone, I’m hoping that when I see her at work today, I’ll find a moment to confront her and ask her what’s happening.
I can’t lose her. She owns me now, and I’m not going to stop fighting for her or against her until she accepts that.
“Hey, Piper.” I stride up to the nurse’s station at the beginning of my shift, noticing a few of the regular employees there, but no sign of Jess. I know she was supposed to work today, so I assume she’s refilling supplies at the moment.
Piper glances over her shoulder at me quickly, and then looks away, almost as if she’s uncomfortable. “Oh. Hey, Brooks.”
My curiosity is peaked. Piper never acts shy or nervous around me. “How are things? Tell that husband of yours that I miss his face.”
She smiles over at me, her body seeming to relax. “I will.”
“So, is Jess around?” I survey the area before landing back on Piper’s gaze. “She’s working today, isn’t she?”
“Uh. I think she called out. Sarah is filling in for her.”
My shoulders and neck tighten. “What? Why?”
Piper’s eyes find the floor again and now I’m more than irritated. “I’m not sure.”
I rush across the space between us and get as close to Piper as I can without making her feel uncomfortable. I know she knows why and isn’t telling me. Jess and she are best friends.
“What aren’t you telling me, Piper? What don’t I know?”
“Uh, I think you should talk to Jess.”
I let out a frustrated breath. “I’ve been trying to, Piper. She hardly talks to me lately. Our texts are short or one-sided. And she barely picks up the phone when I call. Did I do something wrong? Can you at least tell me that?”
The look of anguish in Piper’s eyes has my stomach twisting. There has to be something going on. “I… I just think you need to talk to her, Brooks. I’m sorry. It’s not my place to discuss anything with you.”
The clench of my jaw has my temples pounding instantly. “Fine. But tell her if you talk to her that I’m not giving up. I will make her talk to me.”
Piper nods. “I will. And for what it’s worth, Brooks, I hope you don’t give up on her.” With those parting words, she turns away from me and heads down the hall towards the other side of the ER.
My frustration must be seeping out of my pores because I swear, everyone is trying to keep their distance from me. After my short conversation with Piper, all I’ve been able to think about is what Jess could possibly be hiding, or if there was something I said or did to make her so angry with me that she would ignore me. But then I force myself to c
alm down and avoid jumping to conclusions, accepting that perhaps she’s just having too hard of a time with my mother’s diagnosis since it’s a personal reminder for her, especially since her next scans are scheduled for a few days from now. And if that’s the case and she can’t deal, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
“Alice, is Jess coming in tomorrow?” It’s near the end of our shift and I might actually get out of here at a decent hour. Half of me wants to show up at her house and demand she speak to me, but then the other part thinks maybe I should cool off so I don’t show up with guns blazing.
“Oh. No. She’s actually taking a month off. Wait, why are you asking me that? Shouldn’t you already know?”
“What?” I shout, pulling the attention of several other nurses and doctors in our direction. Alice waves me closer as my skin pricks with fury and she encourages me to take a seat next to her. “What the hell are you talking about? Why would Jess need a month off of work?”
Alice shrugs and then closes down the screen on the computer. “Honestly, I don’t know. And the fact that you don’t know scares me, Brooks. I thought for sure you would be aware.”
“Alice. She’s pushing me away. I don’t know what’s going on, but a month? That just doesn’t make much sense to me.”
“I think you need to ask her, Brooks. Obviously, I’m in the dark. But if you two are as close as I thought you were, surely she will tell you.”
I stand and decide right then and there that there’s no waiting to be done. I’m going to confront Jess tonight.
“I’ll keep you posted, Alice. Thanks.” I head in the other direction, finishing up some last-minute paperwork before I hop in my car and rush to Jess’s apartment, gearing myself up for a battle I’m sure that Jess is going to make me fight.
Chapter 27
Jess
“Do you think we have enough food?” My sister, Katelyn, scours the fridge, assessing our grocery haul.
“I think we’ll be fine. Besides, after surgery, I’ll be sleeping a lot for a few days and probably won’t have much of an appetite.” I push the new package of paper towels in the cupboard and then turn around to face her.
“I know, but I’m a stress eater. You’ll be sleeping and I’ll be shoving down my feelings with potato chips.”
The corner of my mouth tips up softly. Having my sister here is actually quite calming, even though I wish the circumstances surrounding her visit were different. When I called her and told her about my diagnosis, she insisted on being here for my surgery and the first few days of my recovery. She has to fly back to Portland at the end of the week, but by then, Piper and Rachel will take turns checking up on me. I feel guilty asking them to keep my cancer from Cash and Luke, but those guys gossip worse than the girls sometimes, and I want the fewest number of people to know as possible.
“I can put a lock on the fridge or cupboards for you if you feel like you’ll spiral out of control.”
She chuckles and then grows serious almost instantly. “I’m so scared, Jess.”
“Katelyn, it’s going to be fine. The surgery is very routine and the recovery shouldn’t be that bad. The only reason why I have to take so much time off of work is because I can’t lift over ten pounds. And then I have to start radiation soon after. That won’t be fun, and there are risks involved, but I don’t want this shit to come back.”
“I just can’t believe this,” she cracks. She’s been here all morning and I’ve been waiting for the breakdown. Apparently now it’s time, which means I’m going to crack too. “You’re so much younger than Mom was, Jess. All I keep thinking is what does that mean for me?”
“That means you keep examining yourself regularly. I’ve had to accept a lot of changes happening in my life in the past two weeks. But I think I’m making the right decision. And I will fight this. And heaven forbid you deal with this too, I will be by your side just like you are for me, okay?”
She steps forward and wraps her arms around me, pressing our bodies together. I feel her breasts push on mine, and for just a second, I memorize that feeling—our natural bodies, the parts that make us female, touching for one of the last times before I strip my body of the very part that is trying to kill me.
“I love you, Jess. I can’t lose you too.” Her tears soak through my t-shirt as mine hit her shoulder. My sister and I have always been close even though we fought constantly, but growing up has put distance between us in the past few years. Although I hate that this is happening, I’m grateful she took the time to be here with me. If anyone understands the fear of knowing you’ll develop this disease and then it actually happening, it’s her.
“I’m not going anywhere. I truly believe Mom gave me that sign when I needed it, Katelyn. She saved me. Who knows how bad it could have gotten if I hadn’t felt around my boobs that night.” It’s been on replay in my mind, especially as I contemplate what to tell Brooks. I know he’d want to be there by my side in a few days, but I don’t want to put that pressure on him. I love him, and yet I feel like that love is making me want to save him from feeling the pain of watching me go through this battle too. It’s bad enough that he’s experiencing it with his own mother like I did. I just want to prevent any more hurt coming his way if I can.
“Okay,” Katelyn says as we part. “I think we need to put a pizza and wings in the oven and then start a new series on Netflix or something. I need the distraction and I think you do too.”
“That sounds great.” As I turn to take the food out of the freezer, the doorbell rings. “Hey, can you get that?” I yell out to Katelyn who's already moved into the living room at this point.
“Sure. Are you expecting anyone?”
“No. Not really,” I answer, as I realize I haven’t checked my phone much today. Maybe someone was trying to get ahold of me and I didn’t know. Someone like…
“Hi. I’m Brooks. Who are you?” The voice of the man I’ve been avoiding like the plague comes through my small apartment and instantly makes my body tense, my heart beat frantically, and sweat start to bead on my forehead.
“I’m Katelyn. Who are you?”
“I’m Jess’s boyfriend. You’re her sister, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged. Everyone says we look a lot alike.”
“Yeah. The resemblance is strong. But it’s really nice to meet you. Um, is Jess here? I need to speak with her.”
“Nice to finally meet you too. She was right. You’re hot. And a doctor? Lucky girl.” She pauses as I wait for it. “Jess! Your boyfriend who you never told me about is here!”
“Shit,” I mumble before closing the freezer and making my way around the corner that separates the kitchen from the living room. And as soon as I see his face, I know this is not going to be a light-hearted conversation.
“She never told you about me?”
“No, I’m just kidding,” Katelyn laughs and then gives me a curious look. “I didn’t know we’d be expecting company tonight.”
“Neither did I,” I admit, almost frustratingly, but more defensively.
Silence falls between the three of us as my sister moves her eyes back and forth between Brooks and me. “Well, okay then. Seems you two need to talk and I need… a shower. Yes! I need a shower.” Katelyn moves towards me and widens her eyes before whispering, “Good luck.” I watch her walk down the hall and disappear into the second bedroom before I turn back to face Brooks. I was really hoping I’d be able to wait until after the surgery to confront him, but it seems he wasn’t going to take my limited communication any longer.
“Hi.”
He stares down at me so intensely that I feel like I’m under interrogation. I watch the rise and fall of his chest before he finally takes a deep breath and speaks. “That’s all you have to say? Hi?”
“Yes. What are you doing here, Brooks?” I pull my light sweater closer around my body, wrapping myself up in its comfort because I am beyond worried right now. I’ve been such a coward about owning up to the truth, that I
never realized that Brooks wasn’t going to accept my silence willingly.
“Jess, what the fuck is going on? Last time we saw each other, I thought we were good. My family loved you and we were inseparable when we could be. I know finding time to spend together can be tough with work and the time I need to be there for my mom, but I felt like we were making it work. And then all of a sudden, you’re pulling away from me. Did I… did I do something?” Ugh, this man clearly thinks he’s in the wrong when in my heart I know that what I’m about to do is the definition of wrong.
“No, Brooks. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was just… busy.”
“Busy? Too busy to tell me that your sister is visiting. Too busy to tell me you’re taking a month off of work?” Fuck, how did he find out about that already?
“Who… who told you that?” I’m shaking from nerves and anger, wondering if Piper said something to him after I made her swear not to.
“Alice. And Piper told me you called out today. Why? What the fuck is going on?”
It’s now or never, Jess. You have to let him go. You will only be another burden for him right now. Get through your surgery and radiation and make sure you have a life to offer him before you end up hurting him in the end.
“I…”
“If you’re done and you can’t handle this, then at least tell me to my face,” he interjects, cutting me off from my lame ass excuse about a family emergency and giving me an out that he won’t be able to refute.
I grab onto the door for balance and strength, absorbing the hurt in the eyes staring back at me. But I refuse to cause more harm for him, more damage, more pain when he’s already facing so much. I can’t do that to him, not to the man I love.
The universe is so cruel; it makes my stomach twist in knots, the slice of irony in my heart bleeding and pouring out every ounce of anger I’m feeling right now. Because I finally found him, my forever—and I don’t know that I’ll be able to offer him that.
