by Harlow James
Cancer? Jess has fucking cancer?
When Jess’s eyes pop open, they immediately lock on me and I hear the gasp come out of her throat.
“Brooks, what are you…”
“You have cancer?” I barely get out as a whole new set of tears builds in my eyes. I struggle to decide on how to speak, move, or react as we stare each other down. I’m in disbelief, even though I subconsciously knew what I’d be hearing when I made my way down here.
But then I find my voice with more determination, with an anger I have for her for keeping this from me, and because yet another woman in my life has been diagnosed with the despicable disease. “You have cancer and you didn’t tell me?”
Katelyn stands frozen between us before she clears her throat. “I’m just going to leave you two alone. I’ll be back soon before they take you back, Jess… okay?”
Jess simply nods and then watches her sister walk away before focusing back on me, her eyes full of worry.
“I’m waiting for an explanation, Jess. I’m waiting for you to tell me why the hell you’re about to undergo surgery and I had no idea. Why did you hide this from me? What is going on?” I take a few steps closer to her bed as her lips begin to tremble and then she breaks, turning into the pillow and sobbing quietly.
“Baby,” I whisper as I crouch down beside her, stroking her face while I cry with her. “You can’t hide from me anymore. Tell me. Is this why you’ve been pushing me away?”
Her head slides across the pillow as she admits her truth with a nod. And I break, leaning my head down on the bed beside her as I let her get out her feelings, the sorrow and anguish pouring off of her and radiating through me.
“I have,” she hiccups and then rolls over so I can see her face more, wiping her hands across her cheeks and nose. “I have breast cancer, Brooks.”
“Fuck,” I say as my stomach coils again and everything she’s done in the last two weeks all makes sense. Nausea and understanding roll through me as anger joins in. “Jess, you didn’t tell me. I could have been there for you. When did you find out?”
“Two weeks ago, the night after your mother’s last chemo treatment. Don’t you get it, Brooks? How? How could I have told you? How could I ask you to be by my side when your mom needs you?”
“Do you honestly think that I wouldn’t support you through this? Do you not know how much I love you, Jessalyn Harris? How utterly and stupidly devoted to you I am? You are everything to me. You are my future.” My hands cradle her face as our eyes bounce back and forth between one another.
Her lips curl up again as she sobs once more. “You love me?”
“Of course I do. I’ve been wanting to tell you for weeks, but you pushed me away. I didn’t know what was happening between us and I’ve been a mess, sweetheart. I’m so mad at you right now, but fuck if I don’t love you even more.”
“I love you too, Brooks. And I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to put this burden on you. Not again. Not when your mom is already going through it. It takes so much energy to support someone in this fight. I didn’t want to ask you for that too. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us.”
“I would give you all of me in a heartbeat, Jess. I can be there for you and my mom. I don’t have to choose. But you are my forever. Whatever obstacles you face in your life are my obstacles too. You’ve been my rock through the last five months. You’ve held me and listened to me cry about potentially losing my mom when you’ve already lost yours. You are one of the strongest people I know. Why did you not trust me to be that for you too?”
She sniffles and then sighs. “Because I didn’t know what kind of future I could offer you, Brooks. This disease is horrible. And it found me at twenty-nine. Who’s to say it won’t come back?”
“There’s no certainty in the future, Jess. But whatever that looks like, I want every day to be with you by my side. I love you and even if that means I only get five or ten years with you, I’ll consider myself a lucky man. Just don’t push me away. Let me be here.”
She pulls me towards her and encircles her arms around my neck as I maneuver myself on the bed to hug her back, soaking in the feeling of her skin against mine, warming the frigid shell I started to erect around my heart. A wave of calm washes over me just having her back in my arms, even though we’re nowhere near out of the woods yet. “I thought I could do this alone, but now I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I press my lips to side of her head as sobs wrack her body and I wait for them to subside. “So tell me. What’s the diagnosis? How did you find it? What’s the treatment plan?”
Jess spends the next few minutes filling me in—when she found the lump, the fact that it was only stage zero which is great news, her decision to have a double mastectomy to prevent it from coming back, and then the reconstruction and radiation that will follow.
“I’m also having my eggs frozen.”
“That’s smart. I’m glad you thought of that, because I want to have a million babies with you, Jessalyn Harris.”
She finally smiles at me and fuck if it doesn’t light me up on the inside. God, how I missed that smile, her light that has given me hope in the darkest moments of my life. “A million? I don’t know. I was thinking two, maybe three…”
“Anything you want, baby. I’m along for the ride.”
“I love you, Brooks. And I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back.”
“Hey, I get it. Even though I was pissed, on some level I understand where your mind was at. But I’m glad I know now and I’m not going anywhere, Jess. I’m in this, okay? I’ll be waiting for you in post-op. Dr. Lexington offered to let me watch, but I don’t want to. I don’t think I can handle it.”
“Are you still going to love me when I’m covered in scars? And my boobs are fake? This isn’t going to be easy, Brooks. My body is going to go through a lot and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it.”
I cup her face in my hands and stare down into those gorgeous, stormy grey eyes that caught my attention the moment I saw her at Skye’s. “I’m going to love you more for your scars. Those are your badges of honor, baby. Those markings make you a survivor, a fighter, the woman that I love that is doing everything in her power to live. You are beautiful because of your soul, Jess, not just your body. And I’m honored just to call you mine.”
Salty droplets fall from her eyes again as they hit my thumbs and I brush them away. “I love you, Brooks. And I‘m so sorry.”
A throat clearing behind us diverts our attention from each other. “Sorry to interrupt, but Dr. Lexington is on his way over.” Katelyn watches us as we part and I wrap my arm around Jess in the bed, pulling her into the crook of my shoulder and arm. “Is everything okay now?”
Jess looks up at me. “Yeah.” She lets out a long breath, like she can finally breathe again. “Everything is going to be alright.”
A few seconds later, Dr. Lexington comes over, looking slightly nervous for what he’s walking into. “Hey, Jess. Brooks. Did you two have time to talk?”
I nod while looking down at my beautiful woman, my forever. “Yeah. We did.”
“Okay. Well, if you’re ready, Jess, we’re all set. The plastic surgeon is on standby to do your reconstruction once we’re done with the double mastectomy. I’ll let Brooks and your sister know as soon as you’re in recovery so they can be there when you wake up.”
Jess’s eyes start to well up again as she cups both of her breasts in her hands. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“They’re just boobs, Jess,” Katelyn whispers. “I mean, they’re nice ones, but you’re doing the right thing. I’d be making the same decision in your shoes. We love you with or without them,” she states with a wink, trying to lighten the mood.
“I know. It’s just hard. I guess part of me is still in shock that this is real, but I know I’m making the right decision.” She looks down at her hands and then relaxes, releasing her breasts from her palms. “But I
’m ready. Let’s do this.”
I stand from the bed but lean down once more to kiss her, pressing my mouth so sensually to hers that I leave no room for doubt about how much I love her, how much I need her, how devoted I am to her.
“I love you. I’ll see you soon.”
“See you soon.”
Two nurses move into the curtains, unhooking cords and wires in preparation to move Jess’s bed towards the operating room. Katelyn and I stand off to the side as they prepare to wheel her away.
“I’ll have orange Tic Tacs waiting for you when you get out,” I call after her as the nurses start to push her bed away from Katelyn and me.
Her laughter floats through the air as she moves further down the hall, the screech of the wheels on her bed echoing off the walls. “Some people say they’re really just candy!” She calls back at me, making me chuckle through my tears.
“Some would say chewing gum is bad for you too!” I reply as I reach in my pocket, remove a piece of cinnamon gum from its wrapper, and plop it in my mouth, knowing nothing else could give me more comfort in this moment than our little exchange and my one and only vice.
Chapter 30
Jess
One Year Later
“Well, it took me longer than I was hoping, but I’m glad I finally got you up here.” Brooks is yelling in my ear as we sit next to each other in the plane, flying thirteen-thousand feet in the air.
“You’re lucky I even agreed to this. Although, after the last year, I don’t care anymore. Let’s jump out of a plane, babe.” I lean in to kiss his lips as the instructors start to shout at us.
“Alright. We’ve reached cruising altitude. You two ready?”
I nod, shaking in my seat but knowing there’s no way I’m backing out of this. I’m going to fly down to the earth by choice. Why?
Because I’m alive and I can.
The past twelve months have been some of the most difficult of my life. After my surgery, the recovery was far more strenuous than I anticipated. I went through a period of grief, regretting removing my breasts and feeling like a piece of me was missing. Denial, anger, depression—you name it, I felt it.
But I also landed in a place of acceptance that I made the right decision to give myself a future—a future with Brooks by my side.
And no matter how rough some days got, or how brutal the radiation treatment was, Brooks was there with me every step of the way. There were days where his mom and I would go in for treatment together and he would move back and forth between us—holding our hands, keeping us calm, wrapping us in blankets, and whispering in our ears how much he loved us.
By January, I was in complete remission and Brooks’ mom was eligible for surgery finally. She opted for a double mastectomy too and has been in remission for the past few months. Her treatment is still ongoing, but we are all optimistic that she can be in full remission, eventually.
We all haven’t stopped fighting. And we don’t plan on it.
I look back at the man that has shown so much love and devotion to me in the past year and I thank God for him in that moment.
“I love you,” I mouth to him as my instructor straps us together at four distinct points.
“I love you more,” he mouths back as his instructor does the same. Even though Brooks has been skydiving before, he’s never done it on his own. He insists after we do this tandem jump that we get certified so we can jump just he and I. I told him not to get ahead of himself.
“Alright, Jess. Don’t fight it. And remember to breathe,” the instructor yells in my ear before hurling us out of the door without a countdown or anything.
And in that moment, once I get the courage to open my eyes, I have never felt more alive. The force of gravity pulling me down as the wind pushes against me makes me feel weightless—like there’s nothing bogging me down.
No cancer.
No anger.
No resentment.
No grief.
Just peace and tranquility, beauty surrounding me as I scour the scene below and above me.
The sky has never been more blue. The trees never more green.
And my heart has never been more free.
In a matter of sixty seconds, my feet plant firmly on the ground and reality comes back into focus.
But I don’t know that I’ll ever look at the world the same way again.
“Jess!” Brooks calls out to me as I twist my neck to find his voice.
“Brooks! That was incredible!” My instructor finally releases the last connection and I race across the field to him, jumping in his arms and wrapping my entire body around his.
“I’m so proud of you, baby. You did it! Didn’t you love it?” He leans back so we can see each other’s faces.
“I did! Oh my god, it was amazing! I love you so much! Thank you for making me do that.” I crush my mouth to his as his tongue meets mine, the feeling almost nerve-bending after our shared experience.
“God, I love you.” He says before putting me down and dropping to his knee.
“Brooks…”
“Jess, I’ve had this ring since last August. I swear I must have bought it the same night you found your cancer, and if I knew any better, I’d say that was kismet. I knew that day we were meant to be together, regardless that you questioned it. But I wanted to get through this year and make it on the other side of your cancer before I asked you to marry me. I wanted to take you skydiving and chase that ultimate adrenaline with you, show you that you can do anything with me by your side.”
“I know I can, Brooks. You make me stronger than I am on my own,” I reply through tears.
“Then let’s tackle the next phase of our lives together. Marry me. Have a million babies with me. Let me love you forever or for as long as we get.” Brooks’ eyes are filled with moisture as he stares up at me, the soft brown muddled under his tears, his mouth stretched so wide in a smile that has always melted my insides. This man was made for me, chooses me, and I can’t wait to build a life with him.
“Yes!” I shout as the team of instructors and the pilot clap and cheer off to the side. Brooks rises and pulls me into him, kissing me once more in a meaningful embrace that only solidifies for me how devoted we are to each other.
My mother always told me to find a man that made me feel like he hung the sky for me. But Brooks didn’t just hang the moon and the stars—he makes me feel like he hung the entire galaxy.
Epilogue
Jess
Three years later
“Hey, looking good there, Momma.” Clara strides up to me with her clipboard in hand, performing her advertising and organizational duties with ease.
I stare down at the little bundle strapped to my chest as I breathe her in. My second miracle. The extension of my world.
“Thanks. How are you feeling?” My eyes travel down to her belly where a small bump is forming.
“I feel like I’ve been pregnant for four years, Jess. This is number three. I told Cooper after this one is born, he’s getting snipped or my vagina is out of commission for the foreseeable future.”
I can’t help but chuckle. “And what did he say?”
“He asked me for the urologist’s number to make the appointment.” She winks and then stares down at her clipboard for a moment.
“Thank you for organizing the event again this year. It honestly means so much. I could never manage all of this on my own, or even with Vivian and Brooks’ help.” Clara’s heart has always been charitable and I think it’s only grown in the past few years.
“Nonsense, Jess. This means a lot to the entire town. Cancer effects everyone in some way. And you’re one of my best friends. You know you have my support one-hundred percent.”
A year after my diagnosis and shortly before Brooks proposed to me, I approached Clara with starting a non-profit organization to raise money for cancer research. The Harris-Bennet foundation was created just a few months later, and the following spring we held our first fundraiser walk. To kee
p money coming in consistently, we scheduled another one in the fall, and continued with two major events each year. The amount of money we’ve been able to donate to labs and hospitals has been remarkable, and it makes me hopeful that we can help affect the lives of others who have battled this disease in any capacity.
However, I always make sure to make a donation in my mother’s name for breast cancer only. It’s a way I honor her death and her life.
“Don’t make me cry. You know I’m still dealing with hormone imbalance right now.”
Clara laughs and then rubs her belly. “Sorry to break it to you, but that may never be the same after having children.”
“I wasn’t too bad after Devon was born,” I argue.
“That’s what we all want to believe, honey. Just wait though, because as they get older, your emotions change anyway when you realize they’re growing up too fast.”
“Mommy!” A little voice pulls my head to the left as the jet black hair of my son catches my eye as he runs to me.
“Hi, baby. Are you having fun?”
“Ducks, Mommy!” He yells and points back to the pond at Ashland Community College where the event is being held this year. In the past we held the walk at Clove Park, but the crowd grew to be so large that we had to find another space. Luke spoke to the board at the college and asked if we could use the track and set up the booths on the surrounding grass for more space and they were more than happy to grant us permission. The pond in the middle of the campus sits just to the side of the field where a kid area with bounce houses and games have been set up to keep the minions entertained.
“Grayson was showing Devon how to feed the ducks,” Brooks interjects and then rests his hand on Devon’s head before leaning in to me for a quick kiss. The man has always been hotter than hell, but watching him become a dad has been dangerous for my ovaries. Hence why we have two babies under two.
We were extremely fortunate enough to successfully conceive both of our babies naturally. Dr. Lexington assured me that since my radiation treatment was minimal, my natural eggs should have been fine for conception. I still have some on ice though, just in case. I wanted to be prepared because no matter how it happened, I wanted Brooks and I to have a family one day. His quest for a million kids has quickly diminished as we transitioned from one to two. That was a game-changer.
