by L. L. Ash
“Yeah, me too,” I shrugged again. “She’s doing some more treatments in Tucson, where I’m from, but she didn’t want me to worry about it so she sent me to spend my last year at school out here, with my Dad.”
“At least you still have your dad to lean on,” he added carefully.
“I guess. We’re pretty much strangers though. They divorced a long time ago and I haven’t seen him much since. Just on those really important occasions he’d drive up to Tucson.”
“Do you like his company? Your father?”
“He’s ok. I guess it’s kinda like college, where you get a stranger for a roommate and just kind of learn to live with them. He’s fine, and he doesn’t tell me what to do so we get along. We don’t talk much.”
“That’s a shame. Fathers should be there for their daughters. Not as roommates, but as protectors and providers.”
I blushed.
“Sorry, I’ve been rambling. On depressing subjects, of course. Seems I just can’t help myself.”
“I find your company enthralling, Addie. No matter the subject of conversation.”
I blushed again. Have I ever blushed this much before? No, not really.
“Besides,” he brushed his fingers over my hand wrapped around his arm. “I like learning about you. Usually the people with only good things to say are shallow and uninteresting. You have substance and grace despite your hardships. That’s a trait you should be proud of.”
“Why do you talk so weird?” I blurted, wanting to hit myself for the tactless, GRACELESS display I'd just made.
Clarence laughed.
“Oh my God… Sorry! Just as you were saying I have substance and grace...” I blushed again.
“On the contrary, only a woman of substance could say such with grace. Honestly, I don’t mind. Not when you ask, anyway.”
There was a pause before he answered, “I guess my obsession with regency and historical fiction has… affected my speech.”
What? That didn’t make sense at all. But I was too tactful to call BS.
More silence before Clarence asked, “What is your mother like?”
“Oh, I’m a lot like her,” I laughed, glad to be done with the previous awkward subject. “And I look mostly like her. Her eyes and facial features. I only got my black hair from my dad.”
“It’s like a raven’s feather,” he said quietly, his eyes traveling the long straight black hair traveling down my back. “You should thank your father for such a feature. Some of us have to deal with ‘dishwater blonde’ hair.”
I cringed.
“Personally I prefer dark blond, but Mason is always reminding me of it’s true name.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “There are like, five names for your hair color, you know that, right?”
“Really?” His eyebrow raised in interest.
“Yeah, there’s dirty blonde, ew. Dishwater blonde, ew. Dark blonde, better. Ash blonde, not bad, or honey blonde. That’s what I like the best, personally.”
“Honey blonde,” he looked forward, trying the name out. “Am I to guess the name also refers to my delightful persona as well?”
I giggled again. Clarence turned to me with a mischievous grin and I knew he was joking.
“But, alas, a man needs more than his rugged good looks to fall back on,” Clarence rolled his eyes at his own words. “But I don’t mind being plain. Though, I admit, I don’t know what a woman as beautiful and fine as you would see in a hermit like me. But I’ve learned not to question fate, but rather, embrace it.”
“I’m not sure if you’re digging for compliments or you’re just freaking blind, but you’re far from plain. You’re one of the most attractive guys at school.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere,” he grinned.
“No, honestly and truly. I don’t know about beautiful or fine, but when I saw you… I don’t know what I’m trying to say...”
“Maybe that… you don’t know why, but you’re drawn to me?”
“Maybe,” I shrugged, my blush coming back. “Seriously, nobody’s ever made me blush like this before. It’s a little weird for me. I’m normally cool and collected and...”
“I feel the same,” he interrupted me. “There’s something about you that calls my name, screams it. Of course you are beautiful, but whatever it is that calls to me, it’s on the inside. And if you permit, I very much look forward to finding out what it is.”
My mouth went dry, tongue stuck to the ceiling of it. His eyes were on mine again, boring into me in a way I didn’t know was possible for two people that weren’t intimately familiar with each other. Mom could say things with her mouth, but then her eyes, they would say something completely different, and I would understand her because we were mother and daughter, best friends.
But the look in Clarence’s eyes now, they spoke volumes without the benefit of words. It scared me.
“I’m to the right,” I said after a minute of silence as we turned off the main road and down toward my street.
“I hope I didn’t put you off, Addie,” he said after another minute. “Sometimes I’m bolder than I ought to be. And I apologize if I’ve disturbed you.”
“You didn’t disturb me,” I said finally, carefully. “But you did scare me a little. I’m only 17. I’ve never been in love or had a proper boyfriend. I’ve got a lot ahead of me in the future and trying to figure it out now is just.... It’s scary and it’s impractical. We barely know each other. The only thing we really know is that we’re attracted to each other. And that’s not enough to go off of.”
“I know more than that, Addie,” he said, though I felt his body move slightly away from mine so only my hand touched his arm instead of our sides pressing together. “I know you make me laugh, and that you’re brave. For me it’s enough. But if and when you decide you know enough about me, may I continue to walk you home from school on Thursdays?”
We continued down the sharp left down my road until we got to my house, his question hanging in the air unanswered. Stopping in front of my long gravel driveway I took my hand away and folded my arms over my chest.
“Provided we take it slow, and we keep the future out of our conversations, I’d like you to keep walking me home. On more days than Thursday if you want.”
He smiled with relief and I watched his chest collapse with his driven breath.
“Wonderful. I’ll talk to you at lunch than, to see if you’d like a companion to walk home with that day.”
“Sounds good,” I agreed, giving him my bravest smile while my entire body ached and shivered under his gaze.
“Have a wonderful night, Addie,” Clarence said, slipping his hands into his pockets before he gave that nod again and continued off down the road.
I lifted a hand since he was still looking back at me and he smiled before turning forward and walked briskly down the road.
I took three steps toward my house, then looked back at him. He was gone. He’d either run out of sight or around a lane, or he went into the thick brush coverage on the other side of the road. Picking my way down my driveway I thought heavily about what Clarence had said. He was the most interesting boy I’d ever met. Maybe that was because he acted far more like a man than a boy, and men were so far out of my comfort zone it confused and discomforted me. He was attractive, attentive, and he seemed to know what he wanted, which was somewhat refreshing. But at the same time, he seemed experienced and he bantered like a pro that left my brain scrambling to keep up. But he forgave me when I said stupid things, and he didn’t seem like he had an alternative motive.
I’d know guys that only wanted to pick up a girl. They said sweet things, gave sweet smiles, but Clarence didn’t have that pleasing demeanor the others had. Clarence said what he wanted, did what he wanted, and he didn’t make apology for it. I respected him for that. He walked and talked with such aptitude and confidence one couldn’t help but be attracted to him. I just had to figure out if it was attraction, lust, or if there were legitimat
e feelings besides the shallow imposters that wreaked havoc on brains and hearts.
Dad was waiting for me on his chair in the living room when I got back.
“You’re home late. Everything ok?”
“Yeah, just walked home today.”
“Did you miss the bus? You could have called me,” he sat up, looking worried.
“No Dad, I’m fine. Just walked home with a friend.”
“Ok, but if you do miss the bus, all you have to do is call and I’ll come pick you up.”
“Alright. Thanks. What’s for dinner?”
“I picked some chinese up on the way home from work. It’s on the table. Hope you like it.”
“Thanks,” I said again and meandered to the table.
Two boxes, one each of orange chicken and chow mein sat waiting and I snatched them both up.
“You already ate?” I asked and he grunted to the affirmative. “Ok, I’m going to go eat upstairs. Lots of homework.”
“Ok,” he said absently, not removing his eyes from the TV.
Heading up the stairs with the boxes in a plastic bag dangling off my fingers and a plastic fork in my other hand, I settled myself in my room, sitting at my desk to consider where my life was at.
After eating I decided I needed advice and wise words from my best friend.
“Mom?” I ask when a scratchy voice answers the phone.
“Addie? Sweetheart, is that you?”
My eyes tear up as I hear her voice over the phone for the first time in 2 weeks.
“Yeah Mom, it’s me! How are you holding up?”
“Oh, I’ve been better but chemo is chemo. It all sucks. How are you doing? It feels like forever since you left to Washington.”
“Yeah it does. I miss you.”
“I miss you too Honey. But you didn’t answer my question. How are you?”
“I’m ok. Made a friend at school so that’s nice. I actually want your advice about something, but it can wait until we’ve caught up. How many more rounds of chemo do you have to go?”
“I’m not sure. Sweetheart, what’s going on there? You’re avoiding a question which means you’re in a tough spot.”
“It’s nothing really… there’s this boy...”
“A BOY!” Mom shrieked and I could hear her clapping over the phone. “Who is he? What’s his name? Is he cute?”
I giggled.
“His name is Clarence Barnett, he’s a boy at school, and he’s incredibly cute.”
“Oooo!” Mom’s enthusiasm was contagious.
“He’s honey blonde, bright blue eyes, and Mom, I’ve never seen a boy in high school built like he is. Like he spends 5 days a week at the gym.”
“Wow, sounds like a hottie. Have you talked to him?”
“I have, a few times. He actually walked me home from school today.”
“Oh? How was that?”
“It was… It was nice, but he kind of scares me.”
“Scares you? What do you mean?” Her voice changed instantly from ‘gossiping girlfriend’ to ‘worried mom’.
“Not that kind of scared He’s really nice actually. Really articulate, sweet, he’s a study-holic. Seriously at lunch he studies advanced chemistry. What scares me is that he knows what he wants, and he basically said that he wants me. That’s a lot of pressure and… I don’t know what I want in life. I’m just trying to get through this year, you know?”
Mom sighed in relief.
“Well, he doesn’t sound like an immediate threat. What teenaged boy knows what he wants in life?”
I shrugged but remained silent on the line.
“And please tell me, when did geeks became good looking? Cause I need a time machine.”
We laughed together.
“Addie, Sweetie, what’s wrong with a boy that likes you? I think he has good taste, personally. Is he trying to pressure you into anything?”
“No, no. He’s just… forward.”
“Well I like that he doesn’t appear to be playing games with you. I think that’s a good quality. But you’re right. You’re not even 18 yet, though you will be in 6 weeks! YAY! But you should just have fun, don’t get too serious unless you want to. You’ve always been a very cautious girl and I just want you to let loose a little. That was the whole point of sending you up there. I don’t want you wadding up under pressure and being responsible beyond your years. I expect you to be intelligent and make smart decisions, but you’re not making choices for the rest of your life right now. Have a boyfriend, maybe get a bit of making out in...”
“MOM!”
“What? You’re 17! I was pregnant with you by then. Not that I want you to get pregnant. PLEASE don’t get pregnant Addie.”
“Oh my God, Mom! I’m not getting pregnant.”
“Good. Use a condom…if it comes to that. But really get to know the boy first, huh? Make it mean something?”
“I know Mom. We’ve had this conversation like, a thousand times.”
“Yeah, yeah. Well this chemo has rattled my brain a bit and my memory has suffered,” she said with a laugh. “I wish I could meet him. Promise me if it goes anywhere that you’ll come up? Christmas break or something?”
“Yeah Mom, of course!”
“Any other questions Sweetie? I’m getting really tired all of a sudden and I’m clouding over, but I want to help where I can.”
“No, no you’ve helped a lot. I’ll give him a chance, bold, forward, and all.”
“Ok. I love you. Call me again soon, ok? This whole 2 week thing doesn’t work for me.”
I laughed.
“Yeah, ok. At least once a week from now on. I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“You’re my daughter, the love of my life,” she said with a sigh. “You could never disturb me. Besides, Aunt Cindy has my phone most of the time now-a-days, so if I’m too sick it’ll go to voicemail or she’ll answer you and update you.”
“Ok Mom. Love you.”
“Love you too, Smokey Bear.”
I laughed as we hung up. Talks with Mom always set things into perspective. Sometimes I take life too seriously, and Mom tended more toward the wild side, so we kept each other pretty stable up until I had left. Now I felt better about things with Clarence. Felt like I could take a chance and it didn’t mean destroying my whole life for it. Genie’s words came back to me. I should just enjoy myself this year, and worry about life and decisions for the future once I reached college.
Sighing in relief, I laid on my bed, homework undone and empty Chinese food cartons on my desk.
Clarence wasn’t at school the next day. I was beyond pissed for no apparent reason, but the mood lasted all day and through the weekend.
Come Monday, I was so over him...until I saw him again. He came into the cafeteria with his brother at his side, the two of them, heads together talking until they got to their table. Once they were sitting down they both unscrewed the caps of their thermoses and gingerly sipped before intensely talking over whatever was written on a yellow legal pad of paper.
Looking up, Clarence gave me a weak smile only once, his head not lifting again from the paper as the two of them talked animatedly.
“Wow, after walking you home and winking and basically saying he loves you, that’s all he can manage for you after 3 days apart?”
“Maybe I was lucky and he’s kind of a douchebag. Better to find out beforehand than after I’d invested in him.”
“Yeah, sure. So who are you going to go with to the Cranberry festival?”
“The what now?” I choked.
“It’s this weekend. Have you really not heard about it until now? It’s basically the biggest, best thing that happens all year. Tourists show up and everything. It’s the best time to find hook-ups with cute guys. Guess you’ll be on the market with me for the fest. Should we be each other’s dates?”
“Oh, I don’t know if I even want to go...”
“Sure you do! You’ll seriously regret it if you don’t.”
“I’ll think about it,” I conceded and continued to push around my food with my fork instead of eating it.
“Clarence is a hottie, but not worth those mood swings.”
“Yeah I know. And to think, I was ready to take a chance on him...”
“Addie,” a breathy, deep voice spoke from behind me and I froze.
Genie stopped mid-bite, corn dropping off her spoon as she saw him behind me.
Clarence.
“I was hoping, if you didn’t have prior plans, that I might walk you home today?”
I turned to him slowly, seeing the look of hope on his face. It only pissed me off more.
“I don’t know. I was going to ride home with Genie on the bus today.”
“Oh, maybe tomorrow then?”
“Maybe,” I shrugged, turning back around.
He stood there a moment, but I felt the exact second he turned and left me. My body suddenly became colder and the room a shade or two darker.
“That was BURNING harsh,” Genie finally spoke when he was gone. “Ouch.”
“Was I too harsh?” I suddenly worried. “It seemed fair after what he did to me.”
“I dunno. You’re the only one who knows your relationship to know if it was harsh or too nice. But damn, I’ll be surprised if he tries to ask to walk you home again.”
I sighed. I liked it when he walked me home.
“Maybe I made a mistake...”
She shrugged.
Chapter Four
“Clarence!” I ran, catching up to him after the final bell rang.
He turned, not looking surprised at all that I was calling him.
“Addie,” he said, his head dipping in greeting as I got close enough.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I was just...hurt.”
“I understand,” was all he said.
“I felt kind of rejected, you know? Since you weren’t there on Friday and then the weekend… I guess I just expected… something... after the things you said.”
“I get it,” he nodded, thumbing the strap of his backpack. “My brother needed me on Friday, and then again today. I refused to stay home but he’s working on this… a science project and needed my input. I wanted to talk with you again but he made it impossible.”
