by L. L. Ash
“I love you,” he said quietly from his bed.
“I love you more,” I said back, feeling tears pricking my eyes for no real reason other than my own perceived loneliness.
His lid closed slowly, as it did every night as he hesitated to shut me out, but he eventually had to.
“Goodnight, my Love,” he said finally, only an inch keeping him from a cool night’s sleep.
“Night, Love,” I said back, putting on a smile in hopes it reflected in my voice instead of my tears.
The lid closed and I turned my back to him, letting the tears flood silently as hopelessness, anger and frustration drowned me in their blackness.
Chapter Thirty
When I woke up, my eyes probably red and puffy from my night of sobbing into my pillow as quietly as I could, I saw Clarence awake, dressed, and sitting in a chair beside my bed, arms folded across his chest and head dipped in serious contemplation.
“What’s wrong?” I asked in my sleepy, gravelly voice.
“I’ve been thinking about it,” he said, not sounding surprised at all that I was awake and talking to him though he hadn’t looked my way to see my eyes open. “If I turned you, and you got through the process, it’s possible that maybe if I keep giving you my blood you won’t turn back until I stop giving it to you.”
He looked at me now, a frown on his face as if he didn’t like the idea.
“I don’t like the idea of you living like this, by choice or not, but I will not have you crying in the night alone, either.”
He sighed, looking as helpless as I felt.
“What else are we going to do, Clee?” I asked, feeling the tears burning in my eyes again.
“Darling,” he sighed, moving from the chair to the bed, pulling me into his arms to cry in his lap.
“Sometimes we feel so close,” I said, sobbing now. “But sometimes it feels like we live on different planets.”
He pressed his lips to the back of my head, kissing my hair over and over.
“I know, Addie. I don’t like it any more than you do. I wish I could just...” he sighed, his throat rumbling in frustration. “I wish we could just figure out this fucking cure and get it over with. I don’t want to see you upset.”
His voice had turned dark, angry or frustrated or both. He must have felt angry to have cursed like that. He was always conscious of his words, especially around me, but today his emotions were stripped as bare as mine, and we weren’t going to get through this without some realism from both parties.
“It’s like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit, never letting him actually have it, for hundreds of years. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible. But after that taste I got of humanity… those days with you… I want nothing else in the world but to be human with you. I want it more than I want blood Addie. But I don’t know how to make it happen. I’m helpless, useless to give it to either of us...”
His face was filled with pain as he held me. I stared up into his face, creased with anger and despair as I settled my head on his shoulder. We sat silently there for a long time before my stomach growled.
“If you want to turn, you should probably skip breakfast. It may help with the illness.”
“Are you willing to try?” I asked him.
“It’s a temporary solution, but it’s a solution nonetheless,” he sighed. “If you’re willing to go through the sickness, who am I to stop you? It’s obvious to me that this is affecting you emotionally more than I realized, so if it helps, then so be it.”
I nodded eagerly, absolutely sure that it was worth it to me.
“Ok,” he nodded, pulling a small knife from his pocket that he always carried before slicing his hand. “Are you ready?”
I nodded, giving him my palm too.
He carefully cut it and it pooled with blood just as his had before he pressed our palms together, clasping my hand tightly.
“God, I never thought I’d be doing this on purpose,” he said with some humor in his voice.
“You’re doing it because I’m asking you to,” I told him, feeling the tingling warmth of our blood meeting.
“Tell me how you feel, how I can make you more comfortable,” he said as we sat there, clasping to each other’s hands, blood dripping onto our laps.
I nodded, feeling a little woozy.
“Maybe I should lay down,” I told him, removing my hand to see it had already healed and was only coated in old blood.
“Lay in the cold bed,” he told me, helping me sit up before picking me up and carrying me to the bed.
I laid in there and shivered uncontrollably, not sure what I was feeling or what was coming next because I’d slept through my first change.
“The change to vampirism is not so bad,” he said gently, stroking my hair with his clean hand. “You’ll get a little nauseous and dizzy as your heart stops and lungs stop moving oxygen to your different systems. But after your first feeding you’ll feel better. The oxygen and nutrients in the blood keep your systems from completely shutting down and your body quickly learns to process it to stay alive. The virus mutates your blood and DNA quickly.”
I nodded, feeling the nausea start to creep in. I felt my heart slow down in my chest, and he must have noticed too because he gripped my bloodied hand with his, stroked my hair and whispered gentle words to me.
“Wow, it feels so weird,” I told him, my eyes going out of focus, seeing more, seeing details further away as they enhanced.
“It does, doesn’t it?” he smiled.
Smells wafted over me. His blood, his shampoo, the musk that surrounded us in the room from the night before. My ears caught conversation happening in the living room, Evelyn and Mason talking. Arguing more like.
“You know,” Clarence said softly, distracting me from the change. “I’ve seen you with every color of eye, and I still think your hazel ones are the most beautiful on you.”
“You think so?” I asked, feeling a little out of breath as my heart stopped pumping and my lungs attempted to leach oxygen into my system through pure willpower. “I still haven’t seen my blue eyes.”
“Would you like to?” he asked with a small smile.
I nodded and he got up, quickly leaving the room and coming back with a hand mirror.
He held it in front of me and I saw my turned form for the first time. My skin was more pale than was natural for me, my teeth protruded and my eyes were the same ice color as Clarence’s when he turned. I looked beautiful in a haunting way, but I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.
Giving him the mirror back I commented that I looked strange.
“Not as strange as the werewolf green,” he grinned.
“Hey, I liked the green,” I teased. “You just didn’t like them cause they were a symbol that you couldn’t have me.”
“Possibly.”
I gripped his hand as the nausea got worse.
“So, you never did tell me,” I said, holding down bile. “Why do we go pale, get clear eyes?”
He seemed to notice my plead for him to talk and distract me, so he happily spoke.
“Pigment,” he said softly, stroking my hair again. “When a person dies and their blood stops pumping, they go pale as the blood recedes from the surface of the skin. We still move so the blood doesn’t settle like the typical dead, but that’s why. We lose the pigment that makes skin glow with warmth. The eyes, it’s the same thing. When we turn, the skin loses more pigment, and the eyes lose their color.”
“I don’t want to seem weird or anything, but what happens when someone with darker skin becomes a vamp?”
He grinned.
“They go pale for their color. Not white. Not unless they are a nightwalker anyway. They lose all pigment. We only lose some.”
“That’s how we get away with being just pale instead of dead?” I asked, chuckling as the nausea passed.
“Exactly,” he nodded. “I was pale to begin with, so the change isn’t so big to me. People expect fair haired people to
be pale. Mason talks occasionally how he used to have an olive complexion, and now is pale like a woman. He hates it. It always makes me laugh. The man has no view on normalcy except his opinion of attractiveness. He keeps to a classic, medieval idea of what is masculine and what is feminine.”
“So can I call him a woman?” I asked, my eyes wide in hope.
He laughed.
“You can, but I won’t be responsible for the expletives that come out of his mouth if you do.”
I giggled, attempting to sit up.
“Are you alright?” he asked, helping me.
“Yeah. I feel good, actually. Hungry though. It’s almost like my body remembers how to do this.”
“I suppose it’s possible,” he nodded, helping me to stand.
“Help me to the living room,” I said, stepping out of the bed, no longer warm nor cold.
“You’re naked!” he exclaimed playfully. “I will not take you to the living room.”
“FINE. Help me dress then take me to the living room.”
He smiled and left me standing there as he dug through the bags still on the floor since there weren’t hangers or a dresser in the room. Clarence lived out of his suitcase but I didn’t have the luxury of one.
He pulled out one of the white silk pajama sets before finding the black lace negligee wrapped inside. He separated it slowly, looking at it with shock and disgust.
“You bought this for him?” he asked carefully, holding the strap with one finger as if it were dirty before he turned to me, serious jealousy on his face.
“No,” I said, suddenly feeling the vulnerability of my nakedness. “I bought it for me. I always wanted one and I had a card with no limit. It’s unused. The thong’s still attached with the little plastic tag.”
Slowly turning the lingerie, he saw that it hadn’t been pulled apart after buying, and that the price tag was still on it.
“Had you intentions to use it?” he asked softly, not meeting my eyes now.
“Eventually,” I said honestly, my muscles feeling weak and growing weaker with every second.
He dropped the thing on the floor like it was diseased before shoving the white pajamas in my hands.
“I’ll get your breakfast,” he said quickly, practically running out of the room. I slipped the shorts on first, then slid the silk top on braless as he didn’t give me one to conceal myself with. At least the important bits were covered.
“Addie?” A voice called into the room from the open door.
Evelyn peeked her head in looking concerned.
“Right here,” I told her, moving weakly toward her.
She put her arm around me and helped me get to the living room and sit on the couch.
“What the bloody hell happened to you two?” Mason asked, a tall glass of blood in his hand as he approached me.
I plopped down and took the glass he extended toward me without saying a word besides thanks.
Evelyn sat lightly beside me, looking at Mason with worry creasing her brows. I finished the glass quickly, feeling the blood absorb and give me strength.
“So?” Mason asked, taking the glass and going to refill it as he went on. “Clee came running out of your room, asking me to bring you blood as he stormed out the front door. What did you do to piss him off?”
“I didn’t do anything,” I denied, greedily taking the second glass and chugging it. “He found something in my bag of clothes. It’s nothing, but I think the idea upset him.”
“What did he find?” his eyes narrowed on me.
“Misha, hush,” Evelyn pointed a finger at him. “Let the girl speak.”
Mason grumbled and plopped on the chair across from us.
“It was a… a nighty, I guess. I’d always wanted one and I wasn’t the one paying for it. It wasn’t used or anything. Still has the tags on it for God’s sake.”
“Ah,” Evelyn nodded, patting the top of my hand with hers. “Simple jealousy.”
“Jealousy?” Mason sighed. “He’s probably out there now, trying to not tear the fucking head off that werewolf’s shoulders.”
“What is there to be jealous about?” I asked, confused. “It’s not like he didn’t know we’d had a...relationship... in that time. I’m with him, not Eddie. I love him, not Eddie and he knows that.”
“Yes,” Evelyn nodded as Mason stood, heading out the front door. “But before it was just a thought. Something he likely just chose not to think about and pretended never happened. Now, with the closeness you’ve shared since… I imagine he feels betrayed, whether it’s the truth or not. The article is proof, physical proof that you were intimate with another man, and Clarence can’t help but be upset. The man was always protective of what was his. And fiercely loyal to what he loved.”
“So what do I do now?” I asked her. “How do I fix something I didn’t break.”
“Well, take responsibility. You were intimate with someone else. Whether you loved the other man or Clarence isn’t the point, and whether you regret it or not doesn’t matter. Another man had his way with you and in Clarence’s eyes you’ll always be one step away from leaving him again and taking up with another man.”
“But I wouldn’t!” I cried, the glass slipping off my lap and dropping to the wood floor.
I cussed darkly before bending down to pick up the shards.
“So how the hell am I supposed to fix us then?”
“Time will prove your love to him,” she shrugged. “There’s not much else one can do for a man’s bruised ego.”
“Freaking fantastic. So I’ve somehow broken his heart and betrayed him in the last ten minutes. And there’s no way to fix it.”
“And they say females are the weaker sex,” Evelyn grinned.
I growled and took the shards to the kitchen to dump in the trash before grabbing some paper towels and finding a spray cleaner under the kitchen sink.
“Seriously! Their egos are so fragile! I mean, c’mon! I’m being comforted by the woman who took his virginity and owned him for a year.”
Her eyebrow raised.
“Virginity?”
I choked.
“You didn’t know?”
“He never mentioned it,” she folded one leg over the other, crossing them as she sat back. “Well that puts a different spin on things, doesn’t it? I suppose it explains his hesitance in agreeing to my proposal. What man is virgin at 20 years?”
“The kind that’s too busy taking care of his family,” I clipped and dropped to my knees, wiping up the drops of blood and bits of broken glass.
When the door opened, the first thing out of Evelyn’s mouth was an accusation at Clarence, who looked upset and cowed as he entered the room behind Mason.
“And you were virgin when you came to my bed, knowing what you were hired to do?”
His eyes flicked up to her and his mouth popped open in an ‘O’ of surprise.
“What?” Mason reared around, his eyes wide as Clarence’s.
“You little incubus!” Evelyn shrieked with a laugh. “Who knew you were a swindler?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, not looking amused as he looked to me first, obviously aware that the sensitive information had come from me. “You never asked beforehand, nor is it any if your business now. I did my job and you paid me very well for my capability.”
“Capability,” she rolled her eyes, sitting back into the couch.
“And you,” Clarence pointed his finger at me with a stern face. “First of all, get off the ground.”
“I broke a glass...”
“I don’t care. You will not clean it up.” Turning to Evelyn, he motioned her to the floor. “You may clean it up.”
Moving around the living room, he gripped my arm and had me sit in a chair before perching on the coffee table in front of me.
“Now,” he said in a low, serious voice. “I truly don’t appreciate you telling Evelyn something I told you in confidence.”
I pouted.
“I’m sorry
. It was an accident. I was angry and I didn’t understand how you could expect me to be around Evelyn, after everything that happened between you two, and here you are angry about something that came and went quickly, that really didn’t mean anything to me.”
“I know that, and I understand your confusion. But you know that sometimes our emotions don’t make sense.”
He sighed and leaned his elbows on his thighs as he looked me in the eye.
“I’m not a jealous man, but I do struggle sometimes with how things happened before between us, and between you and... ” He sighed. “I’ll try to reign in my feelings on the matter because I know that there’s nothing to be done about the matter. I love you, I trust you, and I know that you would never purposely hurt me as I would never hurt you. But God help me, if I want to survive this relationship, I think we’re going to need some boundaries, on both ends.”
“And what kind of boundaries would you suggest.”
He sighed.
“Well, if I had it my way, you wouldn’t ever see that werewolf again. The way he looks at you drives me crazy.”
Mason burst into a laugh.
“Brother, if it weren’t for Addie, we’d be alone and without the help of the werewolves.”
“I fucking know that, Mason,” he growled. “I don’t need your commentary.”
“Then why are you having this conversation in the middle of the bloody living room?”
“Because you’ll both be listening in anyway. Nothing is private in this house.”
“Oh piss off. You’re holding your bollocks and crying over your girl having slogged another man.”
“You’re such a twat,” Clarence sneered angrily at his adopted brother. “What would you know about how I feel? You just wank off and keep away from anything that breathes.”
Mason’s eyes darkened in anger.
The two men stared at each other, ready to either continue with their very English insults or start letting fists fly.
“Why don’t you just tell her the truth?” Mason said finally, taking a moment to let his anger pass. “I know you don’t mean those things, and neither do I. You’re hurt, she’s hurt, and I know I’m an easy target because we’ve been through everything together, but you chose this girl, and she’s relying on you. So pull on your big girl panties and say what the hell you mean, yeah?”
