“We need to know what you’d like to do with your baby’s remains.” Her words struck me hard, leaving me feeling like I’d been stabbed in the chest. “This situation varies from couple to couple,” she went on. “Some choose to have the remains disposed of by cremation. Others ask for a chance to see the infant first, and some have even buried them and held small graveside service for them. I just need to know how you’d like to proceed with this.”
Staring at her, I couldn’t even manage to form words. How was I supposed to make a decision like this without Cami? I scrubbed both hands over my face, as if the action would somehow clear my mind.
“I know this is a difficult situation,” she added. “Would you like a few minutes to consider things?”
Glancing toward the curtain that hid Cami from me, I tried to place myself inside her and what she would do.
“Is it okay . . . I mean, can I see him?” My heart was pounding so loudly my ears were throbbing.
She nodded. “If that’s what you’d like.”
I’d imagined the moment of meeting my son so much differently. Never in million years would I have come up with this. I swallowed hard as I weighed my feelings. “That’s what I’d like.” Glancing over to where Cami lay, I continued. “I don’t know when she’ll wake up, but I know she will want to see him too, if possible.”
“We can keep the body, if needed, until you better know your situation.”
“Okay, but can I see him now?”
“Certainly. I can take you to a private room, or you can choose to see him here with your wife.”
“With my wife, please. I always imagined we’d be together when we met him for the first time. I’d like to have that, at least.” Never had I known my emotions could rip me up so badly from the inside out.
“All right. Did you have a name for your son?” she asked, and immediately the knot was back in my throat.
“Cameron Hunter Wilcock,” I responded.
She smiled softly. “That’s a beautiful name.” She pointed to a rolling chair at the desk. “Why don’t you grab that and go sit in with your wife. I’ll bring Cameron out to you in a few minutes.”
Nodding numbly, I did as she asked, sitting rigidly beside Cami as I tried to prepare my mind and heart for what was about to happen. I’d seen plenty of dead bodies before in my line of work, but none of them had ever been my son.
The curtain fluttered and I glanced up to see the nurse enter, carrying a very small, blanketed bundle in her arms. “He’s really tiny,” she said. “So don’t be alarmed. He only weighs a couple of pounds.”
I nodded, unable to speak as she held her arms out. Carefully, I took him from her. “Here’s a paper with his name and little footprints on it for you to keep.” She placed the paper on Cami’s bed. “I’ll give you some time alone.”
Staring at the blanket it my arms, I lifted a trembling hand to open it. I had to blink several times before I could see his tiny face through my tears, so sweet and innocent. Opening up the blanket the rest of the way, my fingers traced over his tiny fingers and toes, all so perfectly formed. A bracelet circled one of his legs and I saw the nurse had written his name on it. Gently brushing my fingers over the dark peach fuzz on his head, I thought he was beautiful, perfect in every way. Turning toward the bed, I carefully lifted him, placing him in the crook of Cami’s arm, where he belonged.
“Here’s our baby, Goody,” I said. Unable to hold back my emotions any longer I slipped my hand into hers, laying my head against her arm as uncontrollable grief threatened to consume me. “I’m so sorry.” My face was wet with the steady stream of tears. “Please forgive me for failing you both. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried so hard to get you both to safety. I’m so sorry.”
I knew begging her to forgive me was asking for the impossible. How could she forgive me, if I couldn’t even forgive myself? And I would never forgive myself for this.
Chapter Twenty
Dylan-
Stretched out on a slim, not-so-comfortable recliner in the ICU, I continued to stare at Cami, watching for any voluntary signs of life. The respirator continued its rhythmic breathing for her, the noise somewhat comforting. I was at least guaranteed she was still breathing. Several nurses were repeatedly in and out of the room to check on her, even though the wall was made entirely of glass and they could watch her from the desk. Thankfully, they seemed to recognize my need to sulk in the corner, choosing to disturb me as little as possible.
My gun had been returned to me in my bag of belongings from the ER and it lay on the table beside me, easily within my reach if the need arose. Apparently everyone had been made aware of what was going on, because no one questioned me carrying it.
A police officer had been stationed outside the door to the ICU and no one was allowed in without being cleared for entry, first. Chris was also seated outside the glass doors to the room, which gave me a lot of relief; however, my mood seemed to darken with each passing moment.
I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. Every time I closed my eyes. I saw Cami being shot over and over again. Repeatedly playing events over and over in my mind, I pondered every different scenario imaginable—looking for some way I could’ve changed the outcome. Mentally, I knew this was wasted effort on my part, but my heart refused to accept the reality of the situation.
Another nurse came into the room, standing by the machines as she waited to get another set of vitals. I’d been watching the monitor, making sure her blood pressure stayed within the proper parameters, along with her pulse and oxygen levels. Picking up the chart, the nurse quickly jotted things down, before glancing at me.
“Can I get you a blanket, water, or anything?”
“No thank you. I’m okay for now.”
“How’s your arm doing? Do you need anything for pain like some Tylenol?”
Even though my arm was throbbing a bit, I shook my head. “I’m good. Thanks for asking.”
“Let me know if you change your mind. We want you to be comfortable, too.”
“I appreciate it; but right now my biggest concern is her.” I nodded toward Cami. “Just keep taking care of her like you are, and I’ll be great.”
The staff here had been very caring and accommodating. I appreciated their compassion for us both.
Chris got up from his chair and stepped into the doorway. “The guard outside just called. Your parents are here. They’re coming in.”
Closing the chair, I stood, spotting them coming around the corner. My mom whispered something in Spanish before making the sign of the cross and casting a glance toward Heaven. I didn’t have to ask about her prayer, I knew it was a prayer of thanks knowing how concerned she always was for my safety.
“Dylan,” she whispered coming to me, her arms outstretched. I enveloped her in mine, resting my chin on the top of her head, as I closed my eyes. “I’m so sorry for everything, niño.” My emotions were too close to the surface for me to respond, though.
“Son, we sure are sad to hear about all you’ve been through,” my dad said, and my mom stepped aside so he could hug me, as well. “I know how important family is to you.”
A knot was back in my throat and I nodded, my lips pursed as the damn tears resurfaced once more. “Come in,” I managed to spit out, gesturing for them to go see Cami.
They moved to the side of her bed. “Oh, my pretty girl,” Mom said, grasping one of her limp hands. “Honey, you’ve got to come back to us, okay? We love you and all of us are waiting to help you through this. Our family needs you. Dylan needs you.”
Good hell, there was no way I could stop the stuttering in my chest, listening to my mom talk to her like this. I’d never allowed my emotions to rule me, until now. This was a whole new level of hurt and heartache. I couldn’t bear it, or control it, it seemed. It bubbled out of me at will, almost as if it represented the bleeding of my heart.
Wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand, I stepped closer. “They’re keeping her sedated for tonight.
The doctor said they’d try to pull her off the ventilator tomorrow and see how she handles it. She needs her rest right now, though.”
They both nodded. “What happened with the baby?” Dad asked softly.
“We, I, got to sit with him for a while, today. I let Cami hold him even though she won’t remember it. One of the mortuaries came and picked up the body since the hospital doesn’t have a morgue.”
“Will you have services then?” Mom asked and I nodded.
“I think Cami will need it for closure. Probably just a graveside service of some sort.” I sighed heavily. “She doesn’t know yet, so I’m waiting to discuss things with her when she wakes up.” I knew that the doctor had warned me that she wasn’t out of the woods yet, but I refused to believe I could lose her, too. As long as there was breath in my body, I’d do whatever was needed to secure her fate—one that belonged with me.
“Well, we’re here to help with anything you need—whether it is funeral arrangements or someone to sit with Cami so you can get some rest. Just tell us what you need us to do.”
“Thanks, but I won’t leave her. I need to be here when she wakes up.” My tone brokered no argument and both she and my dad nodded.
“That’s wise, I think,” Dad said. “She’s going to need you when that happens.”
“Maybe one of us can sit here with you while you sleep, then. If she wakes up, we can tell you. I worry about your health too, Dylan. No offense, but you look almost as bad as she does.”
“I’ll be okay. Just some emotional stress catching up with me.” I attempted a half smile, trying to lighten my words. “Do you have a place to stay?”
“Yes, there’s a nice hotel just down the road from here. We booked a room there so we can come back and forth, if needed. I also brought some of your clothes from our house, in case you wanted to get showered and cleaned up. I brought some of Cami’s, too.”
“They let me use a shower here after I was released from the ER and gave me these scrubs to wear. I’d torn my shirt into bandages in an effort to stop the . . . .” Cami’s limp body spread out before me in the pouring rain flashed through my mind. I flinched.
“Son. Don’t worry about the details,” Dad said. “Take the time you need. When you’re ready, we’ll be here. We also heard that Cami’s parents are driving in from Copper City. Is that true?”
“Yeah.” I glanced at the clock. “I don’t expect them to arrive for a couple more hours.”
“They’re going to be tired after driving all night. Your dad and I would like to book a room at the hotel for them, too. Do you think they’d mind?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think they’ll mind at all. That’s very considerate of you. Thank you for thinking of them.” My mind had been complete mush for the last few hours. I could hardly form a coherent thought.
“I’m going to go back out,” Dad said, coming to hug me, again. “Your sister is waiting to come in. They’ll only let a couple of us in at a time. I love you, son.”
“Love you too, Dad. Oh, and Chris went to get our rental. So he has the keys. You might need a vehicle while you are here and you might as well drive it.”
“All right. I’ll ask him about it.”
Sheridan appeared a few moments later, throwing her arms around me, weeping openly, and not even trying to hide her emotions. She didn’t speak a word; she couldn’t because she was crying too hard, but I understood everything she wanted to say.
“I love you. Thanks for coming,” I choked out, allowing my tears to fall, again.
***
It was after noon before the doctor came in with nurses and someone from Respiratory to take Cami off the vent. I stood to the side, watching tensely as they prepared to remove it. I understood why they were doing it while she was still out, so she wouldn’t fight it; but they’d also decreased her sedation levels, which meant she could wake up during the process. I was aware that if she didn’t show the ability to sustain breath on her own, they’d put her back on. Cami’s mom and dad stood beside me in the corner, trying to stay out of the way. They’d arrived in the early hours of the morning just before dawn and they both looked as tired as I felt.
We watched as they prepared her, raising the level of her head so she was sitting up more in bed. “Okay, let’s test her,” the doctor finally said, and we all waited.
My heart rate increased as each second ticked away. It felt like an hour. Sucking in a breath of my own, I hadn’t realized I’d been holding it. My eyes didn’t leave her, watching for any sign. Nothing happened. The doctor shook his head in defeat.
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Come on, Goody! Breathe!” I yelled at her, making everyone jump, but I didn’t care.
All of a sudden her chest expanded as she took a breath. My heart soared. That breath was followed by another, and then another. Glancing up at the monitor, I watched the numbers as, they continued to climb to the proper levels and Cami’s mom wrapped her arms around me, all of us with tears in our eyes.
“Looks good,” the doctor said, smiling. “I guess she listens to you.” He glanced over at me. “We’ll remove the tube from her throat and keep monitoring her progress. I’m going to order sedation to stop, as well, but I’m going to take it slow and reduce it over the next several hours. I want to ease her back into things. She had a rough night and day, so I want it to be as gentle of a transition as possible. We’ll see if we can get her to wake up and then we’ll reevaluate cognitive skills and things like that.”
“Will she be comfortable?” I asked, concerned she’d be in pain now.
“We’ll make sure she’s resting easy. I’ve ordered regular doses of pain meds. Once she wakes up, if she does okay for a couple hours, we’ll probably move her out of ICU to the regular Med/Surg floor.”
I was elated with this news, knowing it meant he was hopeful of her to making a full recovery. The vise that’d been gripping my heart so tightly loosened a little and suddenly it felt easier to breathe, as if I’d just been relieved of a gigantic weight that had been sitting on me.
“Thank you for all your help. You have no idea how much it means to us,” Cecily, spoke.
“Yes, thank you,” I echoed.
“Happy to help,” he replied. “I’ll be in and out to check her progress.” He shook hands with each of us before leaving the room. There were still people sitting by the bed, working on removing the tube from her throat and charting her progress.
“Since it’s going to be a while, why don’t the two of you go catch some sleep at the hotel,” I suggested, addressing my in-laws. “I promise to call as soon as anything happens. That way you can feel refreshed when she sees you. She’s going to need her parents in a bad way.”
“I hate leaving her,” Cecily replied. “But I think you may be right. We’d help her better if we were properly rested.”
“It’s definitely been a draining experience,” Brandt said, turning his gaze from his daughter to me. “However, I think you should take some of your own advice and get some rest, too. She’s going to want you more than anybody.”
“I’ll try,” I replied, knowing I’d do no such thing. I intended to be awake when she woke up. And after she realized the truth, I could only hope her dad was right—that she’d still want me once she realized how badly I’d failed her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Cami-
Blinking slowly, I tried to shake the fuzziness from my mind.
“Cami?” Dylan’s voice broke through the haze and I felt his hand slip into mine, comforting me immediately. “Cami? Can you hear me?”
“Dylan . . . .” I attempted to smile, but suddenly the sensations inside my body grabbed me—I was in pain . . . bad pain. “Dylan, I hurt,” I whispered, feeling confused. My throat was very dry and sore. I tried to swallow as I looked up at him.
“It’s okay. You’re going to hurt for a while. You’ve been through a lot.” I could clearly see both pain and worry etched in his eyes. “What happened?” Searching
my mind, I kept trying to remember, but the last thing I could retrieve was standing in front of the window, watching the rain.
“You don’t remember?” his voice was tight. I watched him swallow hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing with the action.
“I remember it was raining.” It was then I noticed the beeping of the machines around me and I glanced up, seeing IV poles hanging at the head of my bed and a monitor. Suddenly, I was scared. “Dylan, what happened?”
“Shhh,” he coaxed, reaching to lovingly stroke his hand over my head. “Everything is going to work out.” He sighed, and I felt my panic levels rising. “We had a little . . . altercation.”
“Tell me what happened,” I demanded, too tired to try to decipher his vague comments.
“You were standing at the window and someone shot you.”
“They found us?” My mind was reeling.
“Yes, but that’s not all,” he continued, gripping my hand tighter. “The bullet,” he paused staring at me sympathetically as he stroked my head. “Honey, the bullet hit you in the stomach.”
Unable to take my eyes off him, I tried to absorb the meaning behind his words. Shakily, I lifted my hand, drifting across the blanket to the pain in my stomach, only to discover my rounded belly was missing, replaced with soft squishy flesh. I started shaking, fear gripping me in it’s clutches as tears sprang into my eyes. “The baby,” I whispered. “Where’s my baby?” My hoarse voice grew louder as I frantically clutched at the covers.
Tears rapidly fell from Dylan’s eyes. “Oh Cami, honey. I’m so sorry. They couldn’t save him.”
A loud groan of terror escaped me and I grabbed his shirt, weeping as the pain in my stomach grew even stronger. “Tell me you’re lying,” I shouted at him and he clenched his mouth so tight his jaw ticked, but he didn’t take the words back. “Dylan! Ahhhh! No! Tell me you’re lying!” Giant sobs enveloped me, wracking my body, as my wails filled the air bringing a flurry of people rushing to my bedside. I clutched at my chest, feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my body and I gasped for air. “You’re lying! You’re lying!” I shouted again, slamming my fists into his chest as he tried to hold onto me. “No! No! This is just a bad dream. I need to wake up. Help me wake up!”
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