He paused long enough to ensure that Avila was looking at him before he continued, “My son is correct in that you do have a place here on Aril. I knew who you were when you arrived and your guardians gained citizenship. Your life here, as it is, can continue if you so choose—all aspects of it, including the Life Debt. To accept that, you must officially denounce any intention of trying to reclaim your throne. You will forever be a citizen of Aril, and will no longer be allowed to pursue any activities against the Trogand, as Aril has always been, and always will be, neutral—as you said yourself.”
Galdren made a frustrated noise but did not speak when the king sent him a quelling look. The older man then looked back at Avila. “However, you also have the choice of pursuing your past. It is up to you, but you need to be aware that Aril will be closed to you if you choose to leave. We cannot afford to become embroiled in foreign affairs. Though, I will grant the verification of your identity. That is all I can offer.”
Avila’s voice was barely above a whisper when she answered, “Your Majesty, that is a choice that I am unprepared to make right now. Could I humbly ask for some time?”
He nodded once. “I will allow for one week. After that, you must choose.”
She gave him a polite bow. “Thank you. May I be excused for the evening?”
The king’s eyes once again showed deep tiredness as he said, “You may. I will expect your answer soon.”
She somehow managed a curtsy before she turned to walk out. When she did, she was confronted by the sight of the three men, who had not left. Zachariah looked somber, but both Nathan and Galdren were livid. She shook her head before either of them could speak. “Not tonight, please. I can’t.”
Both men grimaced, but they didn’t speak. Galdren stepped forward and gently took her arm to lead her out and back to her room. Nathan moved to follow as well, but Zachariah grabbed him before he could. Avila barely heard the older man as they walked out. “Not tonight, son. Give her time. For now, stay with me. I have a few more questions.” Whatever his questions might have been were cut off by the closing door. Silence was the only sound as Galdren and Avila made their way back to their rooms.
41. Let Me Forget
When they arrived, Galdren followed Avila into her room, but she stopped just inside the door. Her face felt numb when she turned to him. Too much had happened, and she still had not been able to process it all. Despite the fact that she had managed not to break down, she was barely hanging on. She couldn’t look up into his eyes as she said, “Galdren, could I please—I need time. I can’t talk about this right now.”
Instead of answering, he pulled her into a tight embrace. She couldn’t relax; if she did, she was afraid she would never stop crying. Despite how stiffly she was standing, Galdren simply held her like that for a while. “I will not ask you to talk to me tonight. I still want you to know that I don’t care who you were. All that matters is who you are. Regaining your memories does not change what we have shared. I still love you.”
Avila knew he meant well, but his words cut through her like a knife. She pushed back with more force than she intended to, but she couldn’t apologize. She couldn’t speak at all. Her tears had already started to fall, and she needed space. When he reached out to her, she shook her head and stepped back. She managed to choke out, “I’m sorry,” but that was all she could muster before she turned and ran to her room. She doubted he would follow, but she locked the door anyway.
As soon as the lock clicked, she dropped to her knees and let the tears fall. The pain of all her memories hurt so profoundly that her sobs felt like they were ripping her apart. She hugged herself and laid her head against the door while misery claimed her.
―
Avila had no idea how long she sat there like that, but her sobs had finally subsided, and she was left feeling hollow. She still hadn’t moved, even though she vaguely felt her legs going numb. She didn’t plan on moving either until a knock startled her, and she nearly fell over backward when it sounded again, this time accompanied by a familiar female voice.
“Ma’am, it’s me, Meru. I’m here to help you change for the night.”
Avila considered sending her away. She had no desire to face anyone. However, when she shifted and her legs tangled in the skirt of her dress badly enough to trip her when she tried to stand, she reconsidered. She was far from all right, but nothing was going to be solved by ignoring everything outside her door. Especially when she couldn’t even stand.
She let out a sigh as she reached up and flipped the lock open. Meru gasped when she came in and saw her on the floor. Avila wasn’t sure if she was relieved to see how distressed the girl was on her behalf or ready to tell her to leave anyway. She swallowed that last urge and shook her head as she tried to head off the questions. “Please, Meru, don’t worry about me. I just think my leg went numb from sitting awkwardly. I’ll be all right. The skirts didn’t help.”
Despite her attempt to put the girl at ease, Meru’s lips were still pursed as she helped Avila to the side of the bed. Once she was seated, the girl immediately started to work the pins out of her hair. The dress could come after her legs were back to normal. Silence reigned for several minutes. It wasn’t until the last pin was removed that Meru finally spoke. “Ma’am, please forgive me if this is forward, but if you need anything, I would be willing to help.”
Avila had thought she had no more tears to cry, but she found she was mistaken. Meru’s words were a reminder that she still had a life. A good one. One she could be proud of, no matter what else happened. One that included people that cared for her.
When Meru saw her tears, she immediately tried to comfort her. “Oh! I didn’t mean to upset you. Please don’t cry.”
Avila hugged the girl, but thankfully, Meru must have realized that whatever was wrong was something horrible, as she didn’t try to move. Avila eventually realized how awkward it had to be for her, so she stepped away. She wiped at the tears as she tried to explain, “I apologize. This is not your fault, so please do not worry.”
Despite her reassurances, Meru did not look convinced. “Ma’am?”
Avila took a deep breath to try and regain a semblance of calm before she shook her head. She even managed a smile, though it felt fragile. “Everything will be fine.”
Meru hesitated for a few seconds, but she finally nodded. “Yes, ma’am. Allow me to help you remove that dress, and then I can run a bath for you. Will you need anything else?”
Avila wasn’t able to answer verbally, so she shook her head. Meru was still obviously worried, so Avila tried her best to hold it together until she was gone. She ended up staying in the tub until the water started to cool. She was once again hollow as she finally climbed into bed. That didn’t mean her head wasn’t full. Too many questions, too many memories, and too much heartache were all she had.
She ended up lying there for at least an hour, and sleep seemed impossible to find. It wasn’t helped by the fact that she was terrified to close her eyes. She knew when exhaustion won, there would be nothing but more nightmares to tear her apart.
She turned over in frustration and looked at the timeglass. It was already after midnight. Then her eyes settled on the old com unit. It hadn’t been turned on since the full ones had been installed, but the small gadget had never been removed. The sight of it was a stark reminder of Galdren and all that he had done for her. Especially those little gestures that had meant so much.
Avila was sick to death of crying, but she could not stop. Instead, she sat up and grabbed the unit from her bedside table. She sat and looked at it for a few seconds and let memories of the last year fill her. So much had changed, but they weren’t bad changes. Not once she let her fear go. She wiped away her tears as she thought about her last sight of Galdren. He hadn’t deserved to be pushed away. Out of everyone, he was the one person that she could turn to, no matter what.
As those thoughts consumed her, she was gripped by the urge to see his face. To apologize and see if he would be willing to help. Even if it was just to keep the fear at bay. She was already at the door to the room between theirs before she considered that he might not appreciate her going to him in the middle of the night. It only took her a moment to decide that she at least needed to see his face.
Despite her nearly desperate need to see him, she still hesitated. Would he want to see her now? It was late, and she had been the one to push him away. Finally, she sighed and knocked. There was only one way to find out.
Even though she had reached out, she was suddenly unsure of her actions. Perhaps he wouldn’t be able to hear. His rooms were likely set up similarly to hers, and if so, he would probably be sleeping in his bed. He would never know she was there.
She had turned and was facing the door to her own rooms when the door behind her opened. She spun to see Galdren standing there in his sleep pants with a confused look. “Avila? What is—”
He cut off as soon as their eyes met. She barely heard him curse under his breath as he immediately pulled her into a crushing embrace. Avila grasped him just as tightly.
Several seconds passed before he let go enough to pick her up and carry her back to his sitting room. She barely noticed his room was nearly a mirror image of her own before he sat down with her. His eyes were concerned as he brushed at the fresh tears that had started to fall, even though she willed them not to.
“Avila, what can I do? I can only imagine how confused you must be, but you don’t have to do any of this alone.”
She couldn’t hold his gaze. No matter her decision to come to him, she was still fighting so many things. She had no idea how to answer. She hadn’t exactly been thinking clearly when she decided to knock on his door. Instead, she laid her head on his chest and soaked in his warmth. He allowed the silence and obliged her need to be held.
It was several minutes before Avila finally sat back and looked up. She could see a hint of hurt in his eyes and wished there was something she could do to stop it. After swallowing once, she said, “Galdren, I don’t want to think about any of it. Not right now. I can’t—”
Her voice became so thick that she couldn’t continue. Galdren cupped her cheek and tilted her head to face him. “You don’t have to handle it all at once. Take your time. I’ll be right here.”
Instead of leaning into him again, Avila wrapped her arms around his neck. She pushed away all thoughts of pain, choices, and tomorrows. Instead, she pressed her lips to his. He didn’t respond at first, then pushed her back with a worried look and cupped her cheek. “Avila?”
She shook her head to keep him from saying anything else. Deep down, she knew this was a bad idea, but she needed something to reaffirm that life still went on. She needed to focus on something other than death and destruction. “Please, don’t push me away. Not tonight.”
His other hand came up to frame her face, and his eyes only grew more concerned. “This is not a decision you should make while you are grieving.”
She reached up and pulled his hands down. Her grip was tight as she swallowed to make her words come out. “Maybe not, but I don’t want to remember. Please. Help me forget.”
Galdren looked torn for a moment, and it was several seconds before he did anything. Instead of answering, he stood with her in his arms. Avila immediately wrapped her arms around his neck, though she was still apprehensive. At least, until he headed toward his bedroom. The action sent a new wave of conflicting emotions through her. Uncertainty and anticipation were the most prevalent. However, it was a moot point when he laid her down and then sat beside her.
She wasn’t sure what to think, but it wasn’t long before he clearly set out his intentions. “Avila, I won’t leave you alone tonight. You can sleep here with me, but I don’t—it isn’t the best choice to take advantage of your emotional vulnerability.”
Avila felt warm and cold at the same time. She loved that he cared enough to think about what was best, even now. However, his words reminded her of another situation. Instead of objecting, she pulled on his hand until he relented and laid down next to her. She then leaned up on one arm so she could look at him clearly before she answered, “I know. I understand what you are saying, and I love that you care. But not tonight. I need you. I need this. Please.”
Galdren sighed as he pulled her closer again. His lips were soft on hers, and she melted into him. Unfortunately, he didn’t let it go on for long. His voice was husky as he tucked her under his chin once again and held her. “Rest easy tonight. I will be here as long as you need me to.”
Avila ignored her tears as she realized there would be no changing his mind. At least he held her tightly enough that she felt she wouldn’t fall apart. She let it comfort her as she finally closed her eyes. Despite her inner turmoil, it was not long until the warmth of his embrace helped her relax enough to eventually drift into sleep.
―
Avila felt like she had barely slept at all when she jerked upright and clamped her jaws together on a scream. She looked around frantically to try and figure out where she was—and looked down and noticed an arm was still slung across her hips. Her attention was then jerked toward Galdren as he mumbled in his sleep and tightened his grip on her.
The sight of him instantly worked to calm her, though her heart rate was still erratic. She had just woken from another nightmare. There were no vivid details, but more a sense of being trapped and in life-threatening danger. The fear still felt like it coated her skin as she tried to calm down. She pressed one fist to her lips to try and stifle any sounds. She had already worried Galdren enough.
Several minutes later, she had finally gotten herself under control. She started to lie back down, but when she tried to move Galdren’s arm, he made an indistinct noise before his hand slid up to her waist and pulled. Suddenly, her heart was in her throat for a whole different reason.
Logically, she knew he was still sleeping and had no idea what he was doing, but that didn’t keep a familiar warmth from trickling into her limbs. She thought back to his words earlier and felt embarrassment fill her. Still, when she lay next to him again, she knew she wanted him for an entirely different reason now. It was hard not to with the way his sandy hair fell across his eyes, and how his lips were tilted in an almost-smile.
She quit resisting the pull of his hand and slid down next to him once again. When she did, his arm tightened around her. She had to swallow once and wondered if she would be able to get back to sleep at all. It was dark enough that she knew dawn was still at least a couple of hours away. Despite her thoughts of earlier, she pushed up enough so that she could gently press her lips to his.
She only let it linger a moment, but she still felt him shift against her. The feel of him caused her breath to hitch, but she ignored it as she brushed her knuckles across his cheek and softly called his name. She held her breath as she waited for a response. After a second, she was rewarded with the sight of his beautiful eyes.
She smiled up into them as he blinked a few times to clear the sleep from his thoughts. It was a few moments before his brow drew down in confusion and he asked with a voice still husky from sleep, “Avila? Is everything all right?”
She didn’t answer. At least not verbally. Instead, she ran one hand up his chest until she cupped the side of his neck. She pulled herself closer at the same time and kissed him like she was starved for the taste of him. He was still groggy enough that he didn’t try to stop her. Instead, a groan escaped as he pulled her closer to him.
A moment later, he shifted them slightly, so he was leaning over her. She welcomed his kisses as they drifted down the side of her neck. It wasn’t until he came to the collar of her nightgown that he finally came to his senses.
He was still lying partially on top of her, but he pushed himself up and looked down with growing concern. “Avila—”
Before he could say more, her eyes opened, and she placed a finger across his lips. She didn’t want him to try and stop again. Not now. Her skin already felt like it was on fire, and the sensation of his body pressed against her had her wanting more. It wasn’t the first time, and she didn’t want the feeling to end.
She could hear the breathlessness in her own voice, but she ignored it. “Don’t say anything.” She then wrapped her arms around his chest and pulled him down once more.
He only resisted for a moment. She immediately drew him into a kiss. He was still holding back, but that changed when she slid one hand across his back, to his waist, and then across his stomach. She reveled at the way each muscle tensed under her touch. Even more so when she heard him try to stifle a groan.
As much as Avila knew she wanted this, wanted him, she had no idea where to go from that point. Learning about this behavior in biology was nothing like experiencing it. So far, she had let her instincts guide her, but she hesitated at the edge of his waistband. She felt a trickle of apprehension for the first time since she started. Would she know what to do?
She was pulled from her thoughts when Galdren sighed above her. He shifted so that he was lying next to her and cupped her cheek. She could tell he was not unaffected by his breathing, but his voice was still calm when he said, “I did not ask you to stay for this. I won’t lie and say I do not want you, but please don’t force yourself for me. I love you without it.”
Avila suddenly felt equal parts embarrassed and frustrated. She knew he was only trying to do what he thought best, but she was done putting it off. She felt herself blushing, but she still reached out and took his hand and placed it over her heart. When he tensed, she held his hand there. “Galdren, I know you do. But haven’t I asked you before to consult me before you decide what is best for me? I—I want this. I want you.” She had to pause and look away before she could continue. “Any hesitation I have is only because I need a little guidance.”
Shattered Dreams Page 39
