by Tom Stoppard
(DOGG gives ABEL a clip over the ear and starts to march off carrying the ball.)
ABEL: (Respectfully to DOGG.) Cretinous, git? [*What time it is, sir?]
DOGG: (Turning round.) Eh?
ABEL: Cretinous pig-faced, git? [*Have you got the time please, sir?]
(DOGG takes a watch out of his waistcoat pocket and examines it.)
DOGG: Trog poxy. [*Half-past three.]
ABEL: Cube, git. [*Thank you, sir.]
DOGG: Upside artichoke almost Leamington Spa? [*Have you seen the lorry from Leamington Spa?]
ABEL: Artichoke, git? [*Lorry, sir?]
CHARLIE: Leamington Spa, git? [*Leamington Spa, sir?]
DOGG: Upside? [*Have you seen it?]
ABEL: (Shaking his head.) Nit, git. [*No, sir.]
CHARLIE: (Shaking his head.) Nit, git. [*No, sir.]
DOGG: (Leaving again.) Tsk. Tsk. [*Tsk. Tsk.] Useless. [*Good day.]
ABEL/CHARLIE: Useless, git. [*Good day, sir.]
(DOGG exits with the ball. BAKER enters. He looks at his wrist watch.)
BAKER: Trog poxy. [*Half-past three.]
(There are now three satchels on the ground centre stage. BAKER goes to one and extracts a packet of sandwiches. ABEL and CHARLIE do the same. The three boys settle down and start to examine their sandwiches.)
ABEL: (Looking in his sandwiches.) Pelican crash. [*Cream cheese.] (To BAKER.) Even ran? [*What have you got?]
BAKER: (Looking in his sandwich.) Hollyhocks. [*Ham.]
ABEL: (To CHARLIE.) Even ran? [*What have you got?]
CHARLIE: (Looking in his sandwich.) Mouseholes. [*Egg.]
ABEL: (To CHARLIE.) Undertake sun pelican crash frankly sun mousehole? [*Swop you one cream cheese for one egg?]
CHARLIE: (With an amiable shrug.) Slab. [*Okay.]
(ABEL and CHARLIE exchange half a sandwich each.)
BAKER: (To Abel.) Undertake sun hollyhocks frankly sun pelican crash?
ABEL: Hollyhocks? Nit!
BAKER: Squire!
ABEL: Afternoons!
(BAKER fans himself with his cap and makes a comment about the heat.)
BAKER: Afternoons! Phew—cycle racks hardly butter fag ends. [*Comment about heat.]
CHARLIE: (Agreeing with him.) Fag ends likely butter consequential.
ABEL: Very true. [*Needs salt.]
CHARLIE: Eh?
ABEL: (Putting out his hand.) Very true.
(CHARLIE takes a salt cellar out of his satchel. CHARLIE passes ABEL the salt.)
Cube. [*Thank you.]
(He sprinkles salt on his sandwich and then offers salt to BAKER.) Very true? [*Need salt?]
BAKER: (Taking it.) Cube. [*Thank you.]
(BAKER uses the salt and puts it down next to him. CHARLIE puts his hand out towards BAKER.)
CHARLIE: Brick. [*Here.]
(BAKER passes CHARLIE his salt-cellar. They eat their sandwiches. The explanation for the next passage of dialogue is that ABEL and BAKER, who are due shortly to participate in a school play performed in its original language—English—start rehearsing some of their lines.)
ABEL: (Suddenly) Who’s there?
BAKER: Nay, answer me.
ABEL: Long live the King. Get thee to bed.
BAKER: For this relief, much thanks.
(ABEL stands up.)
ABEL: What, has this thing appeared again tonight?
(BAKER stands up by him.)
BAKER: Peace, break thee off: look where it comes again.
ABEL: Looks it not like the King?
(They are not acting these lines at all, merely uttering them, tonelessly.)
BAKER: By heaven, I charge thee, speak!
ABEL: ’Tis here. (Pointing stage left.)
BAKER: ’Tis there. (Pointing stage right, their arms crossing awkwardly.)
ABEL: ’Tis gone.
BAKER: But look—the russet mantle …
(He has gone wrong. Pause.)
ABEL: (Trying to help him.) Clad—walks …
(ABEL and BAKER don’t always structure their sentences correctly.)
BAKER: (Shakes his head and swears softly to himself.)
Bicycles!
(BAKER produces from his pocket his script. He looks through it and finds where he has gone wrong.)
The morn!—the morn in russet mantle clad—walks o’er the dew of yon high eastern hill.
ABEL: Let us impart what we have seen tonight unto (indicating HAMLET is just above waist height with his hand.) young Hamlet … Slab? [*Okay?] Block. [*Next.]
(BAKER shakes his head and sits down.)
BAKER: (Shakes head.) Nit! [*No!]
(CHARLIE, for no reason, is singing to the tune of ‘My Way’. He doesn’t know all the words in the third line. BAKER joins in on the fourth line in close harmony.)
CHARLIE: (Sings) Engage congratulate moreover state abysmal fairground.
Begat perambulate this aerodrome chocolate eclair found.
Maureen again dedum-de-da-ultimately cried egg.
Dinosaurs rely indoors if satisfied egg …
(ABEL blows a raspberry by way of judgement. As the song dies away a lorry is heard arriving. The three boys get up and put away their sandwich papers etc. and look expectantly in the direction of the lorry.)
BAKER: Artichoke. [*Lorry.]
(BAKER goes forward, looking out into the wings, and starts directing the lorry—which is apparently backing towards him—with expressive gestures.)
Cauliflower … cauliflower … hardly … onyx hardly … [*Left … left … right … right hand down …] Tissue … tissue … slab! [*Straight … straight … okay!]
(The lorry-driver EASY is heard slamming the cab door and he enters. He is dressed in a white boiler-suit and cloth cap and is carrying a rolled-up red carpet and a box of small flags on sticks. He puts them down.)
EASY: Buxton’s—blocks an’ that.
ABEL: Eh?
EASY: Buxton’s Deliveries of Leamington Spa. I’ve got a load of blocks and that. I’ll need a bit of a hand.
(Pause. The boys look at him blankly, baffled.)
ABEL: Eh?
EASY: I’ll need a bit of a hand, being as I’m on my own, seeing as my mate got struck down in a thunderstorm on the A412 near Rickmansworth—a bizarre accident … a bolt from the blue, zig-zagged right on to the perforated snout of his Micky Mouse gas mask. He was delivering five of them at the bacteriological research children’s party—entering into the spirit of it—when, shazam!—it was an electrifying moment, left his nose looking more like Donald Duck and his ears like they popped out of a toaster. He sounded like a cuckoo clock striking twelve.
(EASY relates story with considerable gusto, but to his disappointment it falls flat being, of course, not understood.)
Right you are then, lads. Where do you want them?
(Another long pause, BAKER takes a step forward towards EASY, pleased with himself for having a good idea.)
BAKER: By heaven I charge thee speak!
(Pause.)
EASY: Who are you then?
BAKER: (Encouragingly.) William Shakespeare.
EASY: (To ABEL.) Cretin is he?
BAKER: (Looking at his wrist watch.) Trog-taxi.
EASY: I thought so. (Looking at CHARLIE.) Are you all a bit peculiar, then? Where’s the guvnor?
(DOGG enters briskly.)
DOGG: Useless! [*Afternoon!]
BOYS: Useless, git! [*Afternoon, sir!]
EASY: Afternoon, squire. [This means in Dogg, *Get stuffed, you bastard.]
(DOGG grabs EASY by the lapels in a threatening manner.)
DOGG: Marzipan clocks! [*Watch it!]
(DOGG produces a piece of paper which is a plan of the construction which is to be made on the stage. This is quite a large piece of paper and the steps and wall which are to be built are discernible on it. DOGG examines the paper briefly and then starts positioning the boys.)
Abel …
ABEL: Slab, git. [*Yes, sir.]
DOGG: (P
ointing towards the lorry.) Pontoon crumble.
ABEL: Slab, git.
(ABEL goes out towards the lorry.)
DOGG: Baker …
(BAKER pays attention.)
Brick. [*Here.]
(He positions BAKER next to the wing near the lorry.)
BAKER: Slab, git.
DOGG: Cube. [*Thank you.] (To CHARLIE.) Charlie,
CHARLIE: Slab, git.
DOGG: Brick.
(He positions CHARLIE in line with BAKER and the lorry. EASY stands next CHARLIE in the place where the steps are to be built. To BAKER and CHARLIE.) Plank? [*Ready?]
BAKER/CHARLIE: Plank, git. [*Ready, sir.]
DOGG: (Calling out to ABEL.) Plank?
ABEL: (Off-stage.) Plank, git.
(DOGG gives the piece of paper to EASY who studies it warily. EASY puts the paper in his pocket.)
DOGG: (Calling out to ABEL loudly—shouts.) Plank!
(To EASY’s surprise and relief a plank is thrown to BAKER who catches it, passes it to CHARLIE, who passes it to EASY, who places it on the stage. DOGG smiles, looks encouragingly at EASY.)
EASY: (Uncertainly, calls.) Plank!
To his surprise and relief a second plank is thrown in and passed to him the same way. He places it.)
Plank!
(A third plank is thrown in and positioned as before. DOGG leaves, satisfied. Note: EASY is going to build a platform, using ‘planks’, ‘slabs’, ‘blocks’ and ‘cubes’ so that the platform is stepped, with the steps upstage.
Confidently, calls.) Plank!
(A block is thrown instead of a plank. When it reaches EASY, he passes it back to CHARLIE who passes it back to BAKER, who turns and places it on the floor upstage. While BAKER is upstage EASY has repeated his call.)
Plank!!
(A second block is thrown straight into CHARLIE’s arms. CHARLIE passes it to EASY who passes it back to CHARLIE who takes it upstage to join the first block on the floor. EASY shouts.)
Plank!!!
(A plank is thrown straight to him and he places it gratefully on the floor next to the other three. EASY takes another look at the plans and replaces them into his pocket. He shouts.)
Slab!
(BAKER and CHARLIE have resumed their positions. A slab is thrown in, caught by BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY, who places it on top of the planks. EASY shouts.)
Slab!
(A second slab is thrown in and passed to EASY who places it. A third slab likewise reaches EASY. He needs four for his construction. He shouts.)
Slab!
(A block is thrown to BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY, who impatiently passes it back to CHARLIE who passes it back to BAKER who takes it upstage. EASY shouts.)
Slab!
(Another block is thrown, straight to CHARLIE who passes it to EASY who passes it back to CHARLIE who walks upstage with it and places it on the floor.)
Slab!
ABEL: (Enters smiling.) Slab?
EASY: Nit!
ABEL: Nit?
EASY: Git! Slab.
(ABEL leaves and a moment later another block comes flying across to EASY who catches it, throws it furiously at BAKER and CHARLIE, who catch it and put it down. EASY walks off into the wings.
From his satchel CHARLIE produces a small transistor radio which he turns on. He is lucky enough to catch his favourite song, half-way through the first verse, which we have already heard. CHARLIE sings.)
EASY: (Off-stage.) Useless.
ABEL: (Politely, off-stage.) Useless, git.
(There is the sound of a slap and a sharp cry from ABEL. EASY re-enters carrying a slab. DOGG now re-enters with a tray of button-holes. He puts this down and picks up the box of flags.)
DOGG: (Calling off-stage to ABEL.) Abel!
ABEL: Slab, git.
DOGG: Brick.
(ABEL enters, holding his ear and glancing aggrievedly at EASY. DOGG starts handing out the flags, starting with ABEL, who on receiving his flag goes back off-stage. DOGG hands flags to BAKER, CHARLIE and some of the audience, counting the flags as he gives them out.)
Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce …
(EASY, who has placed the slab and is watching DOGG, takes a step towards him.)
EASY: What?
(DOGG takes this as a correction.)
DOGG: Dunce.
EASY: What??
DOGG: Dunce!
EASY: What??
(DOGG irritably does a re-count, aloud, and finds that he was right …)
DOGG: Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, tun, what, dunce!
EASY: Oh!
DOGG: (Witheringly.) Pax!
(DOGG then turns his attention to the button-holes. EASY expects to be given one.)
(To EASY.) Nit!
(He gives a button-hole to CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE: Cube, git.
DOGG: Block. [*Next.]
(BAKER comes forward and receives his button-hole.)
BAKER: Cube, git.
DOGG: (Calls out to ABEL.) Block! Abel!
(ABEL comes on and receives his button-hole. ABEL is holding his ear in an aggrieved manner, looking at EASY.)
ABEL: Cube, git.
(ABEL retires back to the lorry. DOGG looks expectantly at EASY.)
DOGG: Slab? [*Okay?]
EASY: Block.
DOGG: Slab.
EASY: Block.
DOGG: Slab.
(He obviously expects EASY to carry on with the work. EASY re-examines the plan, replaces it in his pocket and nervously calls out to ABEL.)
EASY: Block!
(To his surprise and relief a block is thrown in. By this time CHARLIE, who had guiltily turned off the radio as soon as DOGG entered, has gone back to his receiving position, as has BAKER. The block is passed down the line to EASY who places it on top of the slabs. He calls out.)
Block!
(Another block follows the same route. DOGG leaves satisfied. EASY calls out.)
Block!
(A slab is heaved on. BAKER catches it and passes it to CHARLIE who, however, anticipates EASY’s reaction and takes it back upstage to join the blocks on the floor. EASY shouts out.)
Block!
(Another slab is heaved on and BAKER no less astutely takes it upstage, EASY marches off towards ABEL.)
CHARLIE: Cretin is he?
BAKER: Cretin is he?—Trog—taxi—marmalade. [*Marmalade denotes pleasure and approval.]
EASY: (Off-stage.) Great Oaf!
ABEL: Git?
(This is followed by another cry of pain from ABEL. CHARLIE has turned his radio on again. The radio emits the familiar pips of the time signal, BAKER checks his watch.)
RADIO: Check mumble hardly out. [*Here are the football results.]
(CHARLIE takes a pools coupon out of his satchel and starts checking it off. The rhythm of the language coming out of the radio is the familiar one, appropriate to home wins, away wins, and draws.
The following is a translation of the numbers;
Nil = quite 3 = trog
1 = sun 4 = slack
2 = dock 5 = pan
In addition, ‘Clock’ and ‘Foglamp’ correspond to ‘City’ and ‘United’. Thus the result, ‘Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog’ would be delivered with the inflections appropriate to, say, ‘Manchester City nil, Manchester United three’—an away win. The radio starts by saying, ‘Oblong Sun’ with the inflection of ‘Division One’.)
RADIO: Oblong Sun, Dogtrot quite, Flange dock; Cabrank dock, Blanket Clock quite; Tube Clock dock, Handbag dock; Haddock Clock quite, Haddock Foglamp trog; Wonder quite, Picknicking pan …
(CHARLIE whistles at that—a five-nil away win. Meanwhile EASY re-enters carrying a tall load of blocks, followed by ABEL, limping, carrying a similar load. EASY puts his blocks down. He notices the radio and CHARLIE checking his pools. EASY produces a pools coupon and a pencil before he realizes that he can’t make head or tail of the radio.)
EASY: (Bemused.) Do you mind if I ask you something. What wavelength are you on?
(Meanwhile BAKER has started to make a neat wall out of the blocks and slabs which have so far been assembled. It is apparent now that some of the blocks have got apparently random letters printed on them, EASY, having put away his pools coupon, adds blocks to the steps. ABEL has dumped his load of blocks near BAKER and now limps off stage back to the lorry, DOGG enters.)
DOGG: (To EASY.) Moronic creep. [*Maroon carpet.]
(EASY grabs DOGG by the lapel.)
EASY: Watch it!
(DOGG, surprised, disengages himself.)
DOGG: (To EASY.) Afternoons—moronic creep?
BAKER: (To DOGG.) Brick, git. [*Here, sir.]
DOGG: Ah. Cube.
(BAKER paints at the carpet. DOGG unrolls the red carpet to make a path from the microphone to the wings. CHARLIE has turned off the radio on DOGG’s entrance and now BAKER rejoins him in building the wall. EASY has completed that stage of the steps, and the wall is complete. BAKER and CHARLIE are nowhere to be seen because they built the wall from the back and it now conceals them. This leaves EASY apparently alone in front of the wall. He hasn’t yet noticed the letters, which read;
MATHS
OLD
EGG
EASY takes the plan out of his pocket and studies it again. DOGG notices the wall. He looks at EASY. EASY looks at the wall. EASY looks at DOGG. EASY smiles. DOGG slaps EASY lightly on the cheek. EASY opens his mouth to protest. DOGG cuffs him heavily on the other cheek and knocks EASY through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG takes the piece of paper out of EASY’s pocket and looks at it carefully. EASY picks himself up. CHARLIE and BAKER go back into their receiving positions. DOGG gives the paper back to EASY.)
EASY: Here, what’s your game?
DOGG: Cube. [*Thank you.]
EASY: Eh?
DOGG: Cube.
(Then he calls out to ABEL.)
Cube! Abel!
(A cube is thrown in to BAKER, passed to CHARLIE, passed to EASY who puts it in place. DOGG to CHARLIE and BAKER.) Slab?
EASY: Cube.
DOGG: Slab.
CHARLIE/BAKER: Cube, git!
EASY: (With venom.) Git!
(DOGG is pleased and smiles. EASY is completely at a loss. DOGG leaves satisfied.)
Cube!
(Another cube follows the same route.)
Cube!
(A slab sails on and BAKER and CHARLIE catch it together. They immediately take it upstage and place it down to form the base of a rebuilt wall. They start rebuilding the wall. Meanwhile EASY walks off towards ABEL and as soon as he is off-stage there is the sound of a thump and a cry from ABEL. ABEL walks on, limping, holding his ear and rubbing his backside.)
