by Sarah Pond
'That will change. It's just the nature of my job, sometimes it gets crazy busy, then it settles down again.'
'I was thinking that maybe we could take a holiday together, somewhere abroad, maybe.'
'That would be good. Not just yet, though. Can we talk about it another time?'
Lea sighed, and decided to leave it be for now.
One day when Lea was visiting Ethel and Edward, she asked them how they managed when they had to spend a long time apart from each other. Sometimes it was weeks, but there had also been times when it was months. Ethel said, 'It's just a part of Navy life. As we were both in the service, we knew how it was going to be. It was difficult when we were apart, but we always knew that we were going to be together again soon.' She smiled sweetly at Edward, and the look that he returned to his wife made Lea yearn for Rachel.
It was another weekend when Rachel was staying in London that Lea went to lunch with Sue. 'How are you doing, sweetie? You haven't been yourself recently.'
'I don't know. After having Rachel around all of the time, I was hoping things would be a bit more permanent. It seems we're drifting further apart. I've tried talking to her about it, but she just says it's a temporary thing, and things will go back to normal.'
'You don't think they will?'
Lea sighed, 'She's been saying that for ages now. Also, what is normal? We do live a long way from each other. It's just that when she was looking after me, she seemed to manage working long distance.'
'Until she met you, Rachel's life was London. The gallery is her livelihood, too. Maybe you could talk to her when she's not distracted by work.'
'Huh, that's about never, at the moment.'
'Tell me how your painting is going, what are you working on?' Sue was hoping to cheer Lea up by thinking about the positive things she had going on. She really felt for Lea, and wanted her to be happy, but this was something Lea had to sort out with Rachel.
A few weeks later, Lea was getting fed up of how little she was seeing Rachel. Even though the exhibition was finished, Rachel seemed to have hardly any spare time. Lea had travelled to London with Rachel to stay for the weekend, in the hope that she would get to spend a bit more time with her. They did have some time together, but Rachel seemed quite distracted. At the flat on Monday morning, Lea was getting ready to go home. Rachel was going to be staying on for a couple of weeks before joining Lea. Over breakfast, Rachel asked whether Lea was okay. She had noticed how quiet Lea had been over the weekend, and commented that she didn't seem herself. Lea glared across the table at Rachel. 'Really? I don't seem myself. I'm not sure that you would know, I hardly get to see you nowadays. I thought you promoted Lisa to give you more time.'
There was a harshness in Lea's voice that Rachel had never heard before. It made the hairs rise on the back of her neck. Rachel crossed her arms across her body, 'I do have more time.'
'Well, I don't know what you're doing with it, because you're not spending it with me. Shit, I really thought that things were going to be different. I guess I was wrong.'
Rachel looked aghast, 'What's that supposed to mean?'
Lea looked down, and took a deep breath. When she looked up at Rachel, her bright blue eyes were shining with tears, making them look like jewels, 'I can't believe I'm going to say this...' Her voice started to quiver, 'I think we should take a break.'
'What?' Rachel was shocked. She must have misheard Lea.
'I've not been happy for the past couple of months. I told myself it was just because of the exhibition taking up so much time. But I don't want to carry on like this.'
'I can't believe it.' Rachel stared at Lea.
'I've tried to talk to you about it, and you just dismiss it. I'm leaving this morning anyway, and I need some headspace for a while. I was thinking that I might go away again. I'll call you when I get back.'
The reality of what Lea was saying was starting to sink in, 'No, you can't. You can't do this. Things will be different, I promise.'
'You said that before. Once the exhibition finished, it was going to change. Once this, once that. It's still the same.'
Rachel was getting defensive, 'Come on, you're exaggerating.'
'I'm not. Look, I'm going to say it straight. If me nearly dying wasn't enough to change things, then nothing will. I want to spend my life with someone I can share everything with, not just snatched bits of weekends around work.'
'But I'm doing this for us.'
'I think you're doing it for you. You still can't switch off or let go. You do at times, but it never seems to last. I think you're still trying to protect yourself, and you probably don't even realise you're doing it. I just wish that you could really let go.' Lea's eyes glistened with unshed tears, and she had a look of longing.
A hard look came over Rachel's face, and her usually soft grey eyes seemed to turn to steel, 'Well, it seems I needed to protect myself. Every time I open my heart up, it gets wrung out like an old towel. I just didn't think that you'd be the one to do it.' With that, Rachel grabbed her bag, and walked out of the door, slamming it behind her.
Lea stared at the door, then dissolved into tears. Well, that couldn't have gone much worse. She had just wanted to talk. Still, she had been trying to talk to Rachel about it for weeks now. Maybe it was better this way. She went to pack her bags.
Tom was wondering where Rachel was. At about ten thirty, his mobile rang. He could hardly understand what Rachel was saying, so asked her where she was. He managed to ascertain that she was at St James' Park.
Arriving at the park, Tom had to dodge around tourists taking photos of the squirrels. It always amused him how excited people would get, thinking how cute they were, when he had them causing havoc in his garden. Jeremy would always run after them and shoo them away if he caught them in the garden, which Tom found highly amusing.
It wasn't long before Tom spotted Rachel hunched up on a bench, looking like hell. He sat beside her, and gave her a hug. Rachel was relieved to see him, and sobbed into his shoulder. When she had calmed down, Rachel told him what had happened. 'You poor thing, I thought that things were going well between you.'
Rachel sniffed. 'So did I. Things have been really busy. But I've been working so hard to make things easier in the long term.'
Tom said, 'I know. But you also have to live now. You can spend all your time planning for a future, which can change at any time. Well, I don't have to tell you that.'
'Lea said that if her nearly dying didn't change things, nothing would.' Rachel dissolved into tears again. Tom sat with her until she calmed down again. 'Maybe I was crazy thinking it could work with us. I really was planning for a future with Lea. She said she's been unhappy for months. I just can't seem to get it right. She'll be better off without me.'
'Now you are talking crazy. Let things settle down, then talk to Lea. You sorted things out before, you can do it again.'
Lea packed her bags as quickly as she could, so she could head home. What she had done was still sinking in. How had having a talk resulted in her ending things? Yes, she knew she hadn't been happy with the way things were going, but she didn't want it to be over. What had she done. Headspace, she had said. That was what she knew she needed. First of all, she needed to get home. Just hold it together, get home, then go from there.
Tom sent Rachel home. He said that she needed some rest, and could decide tomorrow whether she was up for work or not. That evening, Lisa stopped by to see Rachel. She had brought a takeaway, and Rachel was really pleased to see her. 'Oh, Lisa, I really don't know what to do. How on earth did I mess things up so much.'
'Well, it takes two, you know.'
'On this occasion, it was all me. I get single minded and focussed on something, and somehow I manage to let everything else go. I was determined it wasn't going to happen with Lea.'
Lisa put her arm around Rachel, 'I think you're being too hard on yourself.'
'Lea is the best thing that happened to me. She is so sweet and when I'm with her, I
feel I can do anything.'
'Well, tune into that feeling, and you'll know what to do.'
Lisa suggested that they go to the gym tomorrow, thinking that Rachel could clear her head a bit.
Sue popped in to see Lea when she was back home. She knocked on the door, and Lea called out to say that it was open. Sue immediately heard in Lea's voice that something was wrong, and when she saw Lea's face, she didn't think she'd ever seen her looking so sad, like a forlorn puppy. Sue went over to the sofa, and Lea launched herself into Sue's arms. After telling Sue what had happened, Lea said, 'I can't believe what I've done. It all went so wrong. I just wanted to talk, I'd been trying to talk to Rachel for weeks. She really seemed surprised. And her face, I've never seen her like that before. I've really hurt her.'
'You just said what you had to say. Give it time to settle, and you can work things out.'
'I really don't think so this time. After everything that happened before, I thought that it would be different. But as much as I love her, I don't want a part time relationship. I can't believe how it's all unraveled. Anyway, after our argument, that's it. It's over.'
'Oh, sweetie. Is there anything I can do?'
Lea shook her head, and Sue thought how vulnerable she looked. At the same time, she knew how strong Lea was, and how determined she could be. 'I think I'm going to go away for a couple of weeks.'
'That sounds like a good idea.' Sue knew that Lea would be okay, given some time. Still, if she could help to take away some of the pain, she would do. Sue really did regard Lea as her daughter
Rachel did go to the gym with Lisa the next day, and every day thereafter. Exercising helped to clear her mind, and she pushed herself hard, as putting her energy into her body freed her mind from tying itself in knots. After a couple of weeks, Rachel knew what she wanted to do. Firstly, she needed to talk to Tom. There was a lot to do, and she hardly knew where to start. But still, she had a plan. Rachel was taking a massive risk, but she knew it was something that she had to do. Shit or bust, was the expression that came to mind. She was determined for this to work. Rachel was also going to need the help of someone else, and that could be the trickiest thing of all. But it was the one person who could make all the difference.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Lea never did have a conversation with Rachel after her holiday, as she had mentioned. She had had plenty of time to think while she had been away, and after the way that the argument had escalated, she had decided to leave it be. Things weren't going to change, so what was the point. They could talk, decide it was going to be different, just like before. But Lea was sure that over time, they would be back in the same position. Until Rachel could really let go of her past experiences, and give herself openly and freely, would things ever be different.
One morning while she was away, Lea was laying in bed, and a cold feeling crept over her body as she recalled that awful phone conversation when Rachel had gone back home after that first holiday. Rachel had said that she didn't see how a relationship could work, and it was best to end it there and then, having the memories of a holiday romance. At the time, Lea had thought she was being selfish. She realised that Rachel was dealing with a few things, and falling for a woman hadn't been anywhere in her stratosphere, and understood that that was probably scary for her. But sometimes you just have to open yourself up and experience life. Just because Josh had let her down, that didn't mean than anyone else would. But now, as Lea thought about that conversation, in the cold light of day, she thought that maybe Rachel had been right. It wasn't a comfortable feeling. It felt as though all of their time together had suddenly been robbed, as if the wonderful, colourful movie of their time together was now suddenly a tiny black and white photo, lost at the bottom of a long forgotten drawer.
Rachel was missing Lea so much. Every time she thought about calling her, she stopped herself. No, she was going to get on with what she had to do. She knew that she had handled things badly, and she should have listened when Lea had wanted to talk to her. The reasons behind her being busy may well have been well intentioned, but she had shut Lea out. Not intentionally, of course. It's just that Rachel would get single minded and had to see the job through. Rachel chastised herself, had she really learned nothing in all of her time with Lea. Even while trying to do things differently, she was going about it in the old way, leaving a trail of devastation. Fuck, she really hoped her idea was going to work.
Sue welcomed Lea back from her holiday, asking her how it was. 'Okay, it gave me the headspace I needed.'
'Have you spoken to Rachel?'
Lea shook her head. 'I can't really see the point. I'm going to get on with my life. I was thinking of approaching other galleries about exhibiting my work in the new year.'
'That sounds like a good idea. Are you sure you don't want to talk to Rachel?'
Lea nodded, but Sue could see that she wasn't sure at all.
Rachel knew that she was taking a big gamble. Still, she was going to continue regardless. She wouldn't know if she could do it unless she just went for it. If it didn't work out, well, she would just have to change her plan. Tom was being so supportive, she really couldn't have done this without him.
Over January, Lea had been speaking with galleries in the neighbouring towns, and the only one she hadn't spoken with yet was the local one. She had heard that it was up for sale, although she hadn't seen a for sale board. Lea decided to go and ask, she could at least find out who would be taking it over, so she knew who to talk to when the time came. It was quiet when Lea arrived at the gallery, and the only person in there was a lady who she had seen before. Lea introduced herself, and the lady said that she was Janine, the manager. They had a chat about Lea's work, and Lea showed Janine some of her pictures. When Lea asked whether the gallery was changing hands, Janine was a bit reticent to begin with. Lea said, 'To be honest, in a small place like this, it's common knowledge now.'
Janine smiled, 'Yes, I know! I will pass your details on to the new owner when they arrive. I'm sure they'll be interested, particularly as you're a local artist. Your paintings are beautiful.'
'Thank you. And thanks for your help.'
Sue encouraged Lea to follow up with the galleries that she had spoken to. She was also concerned that Lea didn't seem to be painting much at the moment. Winter was usually Lea's most productive time, but since she had broken up with Rachel, she seemed to have lost a bit of her spark. Sue said, 'You know, as you're going to all these galleries, it would be good to have some new work to show, too.'
Lea was indifferent. 'I've still got plenty.'
Sue looked at Lea, 'Is there anything I can do, sweetie?'
'No. Look, I'm fine. It's just this thing with Rachel has knocked me back. I really thought she was the one.'
'What if she is? You know you can call her. If you want to.'
Lea sighed heavily, 'I've gone over it in my head a thousand times. Rachel was right from the start. We live a long way apart, and we're both well set in our lives. Even if I was to move to London, which I don't really want to do, she's still got her busy life, and she gets entrenched in it. When she's present, she is the most generous, loving, wonderful person to be with. But for the last few months, she was spending so much time with her head stuck in work, that even when we were together, we weren't really connecting.'
At the cafe, Nicola was talking about the opening of the new gallery the following week, and said that she would be going along. 'Are you going to go, Lea?'
'Probably. I'll decide on the day.'
Nicola thought that Lea hadn't really been herself recently. She asked after Rachel one day, but after the look on Lea's face when she replied, she hadn't liked to ask again.
On the day of the opening of the new gallery, flyers had been circulated announcing the launch party that evening. Sue suggested that she and Lea go together. Sue thought it would be good for Lea to meet the owner, as she hadn't heard any more about displaying her work there. Lea wasn't sure that she was in
the mood. Thinking about the gallery made her think of Rachel. Shit, she had messed up there. It may not have made any rational sense, but from the moment she had met Rachel, she knew that's who she wanted to be with. But it wasn't to be. Lea wanted, well needed, really, a fully committed relationship. Surely that wasn't too much to ask. She wasn't one for half measures, and she knew more than most how precious life is. It was that thought that decided her. She was there to live life, and experience things, not hide away in her cottage or studio. Tomorrow, she would go to the studio, and paint. Yes, the thought of that felt good. Also, it was a new year, a fresh start. Yes, she would go to the gallery launch.
As Lea and Sue approached the gallery, they noticed that the name of the gallery was obscured by a linen cloth, presumably to be revealed later that evening. It was a beautiful space, and Lea saw that the gallery had been changed and decorated since she had been in to speak with the manager. There were paintings that Lea recognised that her friends had painted. She was pleased to see that the new owners were using local talent. There were stairs leading to a first floor, but there was a rope across, and Lea guessed that must be the offices. Milling around, Lea spoke to people she knew, and saw her friends. Sue brought them over a drink. Then it was time for the official opening. Lea recognised Janine. She removed the rope from the stairs, and welcomed everyone. Introducing herself as the manager, Janine said, 'I would like to thank you all for coming along this evening, I'm very pleased to welcome you all to the gallery. If you have any questions, come and have a chat with me. I know some of you from working in the previous gallery, and I will be staying on here. This evening, I would like to introduce you to the new owner. This is someone who is passionate about art, and who also wants to support local artists. Some of you already know her, and for those of you who don't, I'd like you to give a warm welcome to Rachel.'
