by HP Mallory
After my lesson in relaxation techniques, we worked on maintaining balance and quick footwork. Tallis taught me to always keep my feet shoulder-width apart, and move with my legs spread without allowing my feet to come close together. My stance was imperative to my equilibrium because without balance, I was as good as dead. Tallis showed me how to slide my feet, rather than lift them, and to keep my posture straight and my chest and torso forward. That was to help me keep my balance whenever I took a swing. We must have practiced the correct fighting posture for half a day.
My next lesson was becoming aware of my surroundings and taking stock of everything around me. Tallis referred to surroundings as my assets and my liabilities. Was the sun behind me or in front of me? Could I use the angle of the sun to blind my enemy? And speaking of the enemy, Tallis told me to watch whomever I was fighting and to take mental notes. Was my opponent cautious or boastful in his attacks? Was he skilled in his approach? Or a novice? Tallis believed that everyone had a fatal weakness and my responsibility was to figure out what that weakness was ...
But perhaps the most important factor in assessing my situation was speediness. I would only have a few seconds to make critical judgments that might doom or save me. After assessing the situation properly, my next lesson was to engage the enemy with care. In general, Tallis thought it best that I wait to be attacked, rather than vice versa. Because I was inexperienced and Tallis would be along for the ride (at least for my next mission), I focused mainly on defensive moves, rather than offensive ones. By engaging defensively, I would be able to maintain control and focus. Tallis spent the first full day of our training just teaching me how to dodge his blows. If that sounds easy, believe me, it wasn’t. I ended up with a vast array of bruises up and down my legs to match the ones on my arms.
Once we reviewed all the defensive strategies until I was blue in the face, we moved on to the offensive ones. Tallis taught me how to keep my opponent “on point,” which meant learning how to extend my sword in a short, quick movement toward my enemy’s throat or eyes. The movement had to be fluid and done in a split second because the goal was to take my enemy by surprise. As Tallis often reiterated, surprise was always an ally in a fight.
When on the defense or the offense, I kept my elbows bent and close to my sides. Tallis explained that inexperienced fighters often stretched their arms out, which only impaired their ability to thrust and parry quickly. It was my sword that needed to be extended toward my enemy, never my arms.
“Measure twice, coot once,” Tallis reminded me as we walked through the Dark Wood. We were now on our way to the sewer aqueduct of the Underground City. After walking for at least four hours, my legs already felt like jelly. The landscape had also changed—the lushness of the forest where Tallis lived having given way to the charcoaled remains of long dead trees.
“Is that like sayin’ two birds in your hand is better than a big ol’ bush?” Bill piped up, chuckling to himself. “Or maybe it’s like killin’ two pigs with one bird?”
I frowned at him and my eyebrows knotted in the middle. “You mean, killing two birds with one stone?”
“Um, no, I don’t,” he answered in a high-pitched, girly voice while fluttering his eyelashes. I had no idea whom he was pretending to be. “I’m talkin’ Angry Birds, yo.”
“Historically speakin’, a sword fight ended with the first blow stroock. It could take only thirty seconds, lass,” Tallis continued as if Bill never interrupted him. “Boot fightin’ demons can be even quicker, Besom, because they possess abilities ye dinnae. Ye moost be quick an’ skilled.”
“Okay,” I said, sighing over the enormous obstacles ahead of me. “Does, um, Donald or Donnchad or whatever his name is, have any immortal friends who might want to possess me?” I asked jokingly, but then didn’t think it was such a bad idea.
Tallis frowned at me, which, I guessed, meant no. “Ye moost be certain o’ yer aim, fer ’tis verra likely that if ye miss yer first strike, yer enemy will take advantage,” he continued.
“Which means, your enemy will knock you the fuck out!” Bill added before he started punching the air like he was a boxer. “I’m gonna knock you out,” he sang, not sounding a bit like LL Cool J. “Bill said knock you out!”
“Thanks, Bill,” I grumbled as I scanned the forest of dead trees on either side of us. I wanted to make sure that none of the enormous spiders that attacked us the last time were scheduling another visit.
“Seriously, Lils, what is up with Tido and his Jesus shoes?” Bill asked as he indicated Tallis’s brown leather homemade sandals. I was spared the need to answer when Tallis interrupted.
“We have arrived.” He stopped walking and ran his hands over his sword, which was still in its scabbard, looped around his chest. Then he patted his sporran with both hands before dropping his attention to my sword, which was also looped around my chest, in the scabbard Tallis lent me.
“Um, where’s here?” Bill asked with a glance around himself, probably taking note that the forest was exactly the same on both sides as it was a few feet away. Nothing but the hollowed remains of what once appeared to be a thriving forest. As to how the Dark Wood became the Dark Wood, I wasn’t sure. But Dante also referred to it, so I imagined it always looked this way, even back in the fourteenth century.
“The entry ta the short coot,” Tallis answered in an annoyed tone. Without another word, he turned around and walked a few paces forward, his strides long and purposeful, as if he were counting his steps. Dropping down on his haunches, he dug up two palms full of dirt, rising as the soft earth sifted through his fingers. Then he reached beneath his kilt, unintentionally giving me a glimpse of his muscular upper thigh, as he retrieved a blade. He dropped down to his knees and held his right arm out. With no hesitation, he sliced his forearm and blood gushed out, dripping from his arm and sinking into the ground below.
Bill frowned at the sight warily. “Conan should prolly look into gettin’ some counselin’,” he remarked as he pointed to Tallis. Meantime, Tallis was too busy with his ministrations to notice we were talking about him, or maybe he just didn’t care. “Methinks he might be a cutter.”
I didn’t respond as I watched Tallis lean forward and push a huge mound of earth into the same spot where his blood had just fallen. As soon as he did, the earth suddenly started falling into some sort of vortex, as if there were a hole right beneath it.
“Lass,” Tallis barked as I stepped forward. He gripped my arm and pulled me next to him. I noticed there was a passageway beneath the dirt. It looked like a huge pipe and was maybe four feet tall by three feet wide. The metal gleamed in what little light the moon provided. Tallis faced Bill. “Angel, ye will go first.”
“Like shit I’ll go first,” Bill snapped back, his hands on his hips. He took a quick look down the tunnel before glaring at Tallis again. “I’m not into gettin’ inta no tight places unless a woman’s involved, namsay?”
“Bill!” I started.
“Hush, nips,” he interrupted, while glaring at Tallis. “An’ I’m also claustrophobic.”
“Ye will havta declaustrophobe yerself ’cause we are goin’ in,” Tallis answered, his lips tight. “An’ ta do so, ye will havta go oan yer belly.”
“What?” Bill erupted, shaking his head and throwing his hands in the air as he glanced over at me. “Shrek has lost his mother-freakin’ mind, yo! There is no flippin’ way I’m gettin’ into that shit tunnel and crawlin’ through with rats an’ whatever the hell else in my face.” He shook his head again, this time more decidedly. “Homey definitely don’t play that.”
“Bill, you can’t be killed,” I reminded him, my lips pursing as my temper started to flare. I was already beyond stressed out and Bill’s cowardice was the furthest thing from my mind. “So man up and deal with it because there’s no alternative.”
He opened his mouth like he was about to say something else, but wisely clapped his lips together and glanced down the tunnel again before looking back up at Tall
is. “How long are we gonna hafta crawl through that?”
Tallis shrugged, wearing the same grin he had been throughout the entirety of Bill’s fit. Tallis seemed to enjoy seeing the angel in uncomfortable situations. Usually, the two of them could tolerate one another, but there were moments when their irritation with the other manifested. “Long enooff.”
“Go!” I ordered Bill as I pointed to the tunnel. He muttered something unintelligible before getting down on his hands and knees and crawling into the tunnel. “Smells like shit!” he complained, his voice echoing.
Tallis chuckled and looked at me. “Ye will go next, lass, an’ Ah will be jist behind ye. That way, ye are protected on either end.”
I just nodded and took a deep breath, looking down at the pipe and hoping I wasn’t claustrophobic. I got onto my hands and knees and started forward, preferring the soft dirt to the hard cold metal of the tunnel. As soon as I stuck my head inside the tunnel, the smell of rotten feces nearly gagged me. My eyes watered as I plugged my nose and suddenly felt nauseous.
“Breathe through yer mouth, lass,” Tallis ordered. I nodded and opened my mouth, inching farther inside the pipe. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the pitch darkness, a bright light momentarily blinded me. “What is that?” I yelled out, putting my hand up to shield my eyes.
“That’s my halo,” Bill answered from where he was crawling ahead of me. He was maybe a mere two feet in front. “I just turned the shit up so I can see where the frick I’m goin’.”
Removing my hand from my eyes, I allowed them to adjust to Bill’s brightly lit halo, which became a white glow that encapsulated his entire body. I continued forward, now able to see Tallis’s hands just behind my legs. He was already in the tunnel, which basically meant his face was at the same level as my butt. Somehow, that information created a flurry of anxious bubbles in my stomach and I shook my head, hoping the bizarre feelings would go away.
“Good thinking on the halo light, Bill,” I said, directing my attention to anything besides being on all fours with Tallis only a few inches behind me.
“You’re tellin’ me, hot cheeks,” Bill responded. He seemed to be taking his sweet time as he baby crawled through the pipe, moving forward, inch by inch. “You should be damn happy you’ve got me with you, that’s all I’m sayin’.”
“I am happy you’re with me, but you really need to crawl faster, Bill, otherwise we’ll never get through this thing,” I replied. I felt cold wetness under my hands and knees and realized we were now crawling through water. Flashing on what the water might possibly contain, I decided I didn’t want to know. Instead, I kept reminding myself to breathe through my mouth while hoping whatever organisms survived in this tunnel weren’t airborne.
“Easy for you to say!” Bill called back. “You’re not up front, blazin’ the goddamned fart-reduction trail!”
“What is a fart-reduction trail?” I asked, not because I really wanted to know, but I figured it would help me get through the foul tunnel more easily if I focused on Bill’s inane language. I was still having a hard time trying not to smell the noxious sewage fumes in the tunnel.
“It’s what happens in the process of repeatedly farting in a super confined space, which then infuses the space with the pure essence of fart,” Bill answered.
“But this isn’t farts,” I argued.
“Thanks for pointin’ that out, Sweetcheeks,” Bill grumbled. “Whatever it is, it’s cold and wet and freakin’ rank.” Then he screamed in such a high pitch, I briefly thought a little girl had just joined our crew.
“What?” I demanded, right as my head rammed into Bill’s ass.
“There’s bones in here, yo!” Bill yelled as he suddenly sped up, maybe because I’d just prodded him in the butt with my head. Anyway, he passed over the “bone” and I was right behind him. The “bone” wasn’t a bone at all, and looked more like the head of a fish, with rows of incredibly sharp teeth. Its jaw was a yellowish color.
“What is that?” I asked Tallis, as I glanced back and saw he was now basically right on top of me. I could actually feel the heat of his breath through my yoga pants. And, yes, it did strike me as incredibly odd that I was traipsing through shitty water, my face basically in Bill’s butt, while trying to avoid dead piranha heads and, yet, I had to remind myself not to get turned on! There was something seriously wrong with me…
“’Tis a Flain demon’s skull,” Tallis replied indifferently. “Keep a move oan!” he yelled out, presumably addressing Bill. His voice was extra loud as it bounced off the tunnel walls. “We still have a long ways ta goo, jist ta reach the aqueduct.”
“You mean this ain’t the aqueduct?” Bill asked, his voice breaking.
“Nae,” Tallis responded. “The aqueduct isnae fer another quarter mile.”
“Fuck!” Bill squealed. “We gotta ’nother quarter mile in this shit water?” Then he shook his head. “What lives in here anyway?”
“Naethin’ in here is alive, save oos,” Tallis responded.
“But who the hell knows how long that’s gonna last?” Bill grumbled.
I took small comfort in the news that whatever was inside this sewer tunnel wasn’t alive. I was also somewhat pleased to find that the water we were crawling through wasn’t getting any deeper. The little things are infinitely the most important, I reminded myself, quoting Arthur Conan Doyle. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t been quoting the advice of my self-help books lately. Usually, I lived my life by clinging to the wisdom and knowledge of people who had training in helping other people find their life’s path. For the last few days, I hadn’t really been bothered with inspirational quotes, which was beyond bizarre since my mind was usually cluttered with them.
“Are we there yet?” Bill’s voice interrupted my brief epiphany. “How much longer, yoze? My freakin’ knees hurt like bitches, Conan!”
“We are almost there,” Tallis answered, without irritation or anything else really. Tallis was a master in the art of speaking without any inflection.
“Dude, you shoulda told us ta bring knee pads!” Bill persisted. Then he was struck silent and I looked beyond him and noticed our tunnel had simply ended. “Um,” Bill started.
“We have reached the aqueduct,” Tallis announced.
“Cerberus, monster cruel and uncouth”
– Dante’s Inferno
SIX
“How in the hells are we ’sposed ta get down, Bruno?” Bill demanded from Tallis as he faced me with his hands in the air like the question he just asked was a clue in Charades.
Pushing past him, I glanced over the edge of the pipe, and noticed that not only did our tunnel end, but there was also a pretty precarious drop that appeared to plummet us right into what looked like a vast pool of sewage. The cesspool was the size of an Olympic pool and lay smack dab in the middle of a dome-shaped cavern. The walls of the cavern were completely constructed from red bricks, which were crumbling and faded with age. The only way I could make out any of the scenery was from the ten or so oil-burning sconces that hung on the circular walls. Atop each of the sconces was a two-foot flame, lending a jaundiced appearance to the cavern. From the center of the pool of sewage were four brick tunnels that led in different directions. At the base of each tunnel was a platform, probably used for docking boats at some point. Each one had that kind of look.
“We joomp,” Tallis answered. Apparently, sewage didn’t bother him more than any other horrible thing did. Well, good for him! As for me, I could honestly say that I was far beyond grossed out at the prospect of submerging myself in poo water. I was also scared to death, and I think I had managed to make myself claustrophobic somewhere along the way.
“You want us to jump into that pool of sewage?” I asked, my voice riddled with doubt.
“The pool is naethin’ more than shit an’ piss,” Tallis responded.
“Okay … so let me repeat myself,” I continued, shaking my head as I wondered if these trips to the Underground would ever become
any easier. “You want us to jump directly into that cesspool?”
“Did ye see a better way down, Besom?” Tallis asked, his eyebrows meeting in the middle of his forehead as he waited for my response. Looking back over the precipice, I realized that unless a twenty-foot ladder magically appeared, Tallis was absolutely right; there was no other way. If we wanted to continue forward, we had no choice but to jump.
“Is it deep?” I asked with a sigh. The realization that I was about to be submerged in feces, urine, and God only knew what else could not have been more depressing. Any way I looked at it, I knew today would not be one of my best.
“Aye, verra deep,” Tallis answered. “Ah have traversed these toonnels many times,” he added, as if to say I should just trust him at his word and be done with it.
“This is screwed, yoze,” Bill said, shaking his head and glaring at me. “Why the hell didn’t you just take the offer ta go to Shade? At least you wouldn’t hafta crawl around in demon shit an’ now be swimmin’ in it!”
“Because Shade meant one hundred years of nothingness!” I yelled back at him. “At least this way, I still have my own life to lead and things I can look forward to!” He continued to frown as I shook my head. “Bill, why don’t you just materialize yourself down there? Then you wouldn’t have to jump at all!” I asked, with my jaw tight because I wasn’t in any mood to argue with him. “Then one of us won’t have to swim through it.” Bill had already demonstrated how he could materialize from one place to another when we were en route to the Underground City the first time around.
He shook his head. “I’m not sure I can do it if we’re actually in the Underground. I think this place kinda sucks my powers up.” Then he turned to address Tallis. “Hey, Yeti, are we in Underground proper?” Tallis frowned at his nickname but simply nodded. Bill looked at me and shrugged. “Yeah, prolly ain’t gonna work.”
“Well, it’s worth a try, right?” I pressed.
