by HP Mallory
“My guardian?” I repeated, shaking my head in disbelief. “Since when did you appoint yourself my guardian?”
“Since aboot twenty minutes ago,” he responded. “An’ as yer guardian, ye moost troost in meh an’ troost Ah have yer best interests in mind. So when Ah tell ye that there is naethin’ ta be concerned aboot with Alaire, ye shouldna concern yerself.”
“You’re impossible,” I exclaimed, angry to be treated like I was all of five years old. Since arguing with Tallis was a dead end, I turned around, shaking my head with frustration while waiting for Bill to catch up with me. Sometimes, talking to Tallis was literally like extracting teeth. He was the most frustrating and obstinate man I’d ever met.
“What’s up?” Bill asked as he smiled at me almost sadly. His overall calmness was unusual, to say the least. Ordinarily, he was my lively, talkative, albeit slightly irritating, friend.
“Okay, who are you and what did you do with Bill?” I asked, hoping to get a smile from him as I shelved the frustrating conversation with Tallis into the back of my mind.
“Ha-ha,” he answered, his mood still glum.
“What’s up with you?” I continued, frowning at him. “You haven’t said a word since we left Alaire’s … Is everything okay?”
Bill exhaled a sigh that gave me the feeling everything was definitely not okay. “That Alaire guy freaked me out, Lil,” he replied as he glanced up at me again and shook his head. “The way he was lookin’ at you and talkin’ to you … it was weird, you know?”
“He freaked me out too,” I agreed with a nod. I was thinking to myself that “freaked out” didn’t even really cover the half of it. “But that sort of goes along with the territory since Alaire is the head of the Underground City, you know? So it’s not like we were expecting Mr. Rogers or something, right?”
“Yeah, that’s a solid point, Lils, an’ I know that, but still …” His words faded on his tongue, but when he faced me, I could tell there was more on his mind. “You know how I get those gut feelings sometimes? Like when something don’t feel quite right to me, it’s normally because it isn’t?”
“Yes,” I said as I nodded. Bill was right—he did have an almost uncanny ability to detect whenever impending doom lurked right around the corner.
“Well, I got me one o’ them feelin’s right now …”
“About this forest?” I asked, my voice rising an octave.
“No, no, no,” Bill replied as he waved his hand at me like I was way off base. “No, I’m talkin’ about Alaire, nips. I’m sayin’ I got a real weird vibe from him … like the way he was lookin’ at you, Lils … It was like you were this big ol’ vanilla, er,” he paused briefly and glanced at my hair, “strawberry cake and he was like starvin’ or some shit.”
“I know what you mean,” I said with a shiver when I remembered the particulars. There was no doubt about it, Alaire was definitely off-putting.
“I think we gotta be real careful about him an’ the Underground in general,” Bill announced, nodding his head as if he were trying to persuade himself. “I just got this really bad feelin’ about it, ya know?”
I knew exactly what he was talking about and I nodded. There was something very strange about Alaire and his apparent fixation on me. Despite what Tallis said, or expected me to believe, I knew there was a lot more to the story than he was letting on.
Bill studied me for a few moments, with a pensive expression. “So, you weren’t like … inta him, right?”
“Into him! Alaire?” I shouted in shock as my mouth dropped open in astonishment and a sense of mortification rushed through me. “Of course I wasn’t! Are you nuts?”
Bill held up his hands, implying that he didn’t mean anything by the comment, and I should calm down. “I’m not sayin’ that I thought you were, Lils, so CTFD, yo.” Then he took a deep breath before facing me again. “What I am sayin’ is that I can see how some girls might get all giddy an’ shit ’cause the dude’s good lookin’ and he comes off all Rico Suave an’ shit.”
“Well, those girls, if they even exist, aren’t like me,” I retorted, trying to suppress the slight I took from his comment. “There was nothing the least bit remotely attractive about Alaire in my opinion, Bill,” I finished matter-of-factly.
“Good,” Bill said with a nod. “Then you aren’t plannin’ on havin’ dinner with him anytime soon, right?”
I’d temporarily forgotten about Alaire’s dinner invitation. I shook my head. “No, I’m not.” Then I sighed. “I’m not looking for any shortcuts with this soul-retrieving business, Bill. When I signed up, I knew what the risks were.” I cocked my head to the side and reconsidered my statement. “Well, that’s not entirely true, but had I known what we’d encounter, I would have made the same decision again. I would have chosen to live, even if that meant exactly what we’re doing now.” I took a deep breath and smiled at my friend. “Bill, you and I are in this together, through thick and thin. I’m not planning to search for the easy way out.” I paused for a second as I further contemplated my point. “And Alaire isn’t exactly the easy way out. Getting mixed up with him would, no doubt, be the biggest mistake I could ever make.”
“Agreed, nips,” Bill said as he reached over and grabbed me, pulling me into him and squeezing me hard. “I was real proud o’ you with that crazy-ass, postal shit you pulled on Alaire back there. You were like ‘Hi, I’m Nips, don’t freak out ‘cause my sword’s up in your face or nothin’. Shit, the look on Alaire’s face was flippin’ priceless. I was sorta hopin’ you were gonna de-nose him though—then there’d be freakin’ blood everywhere like when Fabio was on that roller coaster and that duck flew into his face and he freakin’ bled all over those Swedish chicks. You ‘member that shit, nips?”
“Vaguely,” I answered, amazed at how Bill’s mind worked.
“Ya know something?” he continued.
“What?” I asked with a smile. Prying myself away from him, I tried not to choke on his rancid smell, which was a mixture between really rank BO and untreated sewage. I assumed I couldn’t have smelled much better though.
“When I first met you, I knew we were gonna be besties for life,” he said with a huge grin, that made me feel bad for being so prissy. “You were my friend at first sight.”
“I wish I could say the same thing, Bill,” I answered with a laugh. I remembered the first time he showed up at my door and how mortified I’d been when I learned that he was my guardian angel. “But when I first met you, you scared the shit out of me!”
“Ah, you said shit, Lils,” he answered with a laugh. “You’ve come so far … ’Member how you wouldn’t even say ‘hell’ when I met you?”
I nodded. “Yep, I guess you’ve successfully managed to corrupt me at least a little bit.”
He flashed his eyebrows up and down in a funny gesture. Then the cartoonish antics in his features vanished and were replaced by a more serious expression. “I know this new life bullshit has been real hard on you, Lils,” he started, “but you’ve settled in real good; an’ I just want you to know … that I’m real proud of you.” He sighed and his eyes started to shine with tears before he shook his head and looked embarrassed. “I’m not good at all with this emotional crap, nips, but I just want you to know that I’m real glad I was assigned to you.”
I took his hand and squeezed it as I smiled warmly at him. “So am I, Bill. I thank my lucky stars every day that you’re my angel.”
“For reals?” he asked, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
“For reals,” I answered resolutely.
He waved his hands in front of his face, which, I guessed was an attempt to stop himself from tearing up, “I hate it when I get all emotional,” he said as he shook his head again. “I don’t wanna start ugly cryin’,” he squeaked as his voice broke. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly before opening them and wiping his tears away again. “Dammit, I even feel like givin’ Tido a hate hug,” he said as he eyed the very man, who was now nearly t
en feet ahead of us.
“Um, that’s probably a bad idea,” I advised. I wrapped my arm around Bill’s shoulder and glanced at Tallis whose posture was just as rigid as previously. No doubt about it, something was wrong with Tallis. And whatever it was, I had a feeling Alaire was probably at the center of it.
Almost as if he knew I was looking at him, Tallis suddenly stopped marching and turned around to confront us. His face was expressionless, as usual. Bill immediately cleared his throat and looked down, presumably so Tallis wouldn’t notice he’d been crying.
“There is a waterin’ hole not far from here,” Tallis announced as he waited for us to catch up to him. “We can bathe there.”
“That’s music ta my ears,” Bill exclaimed as he faced me. “I’m sick o’ nips smellin’ like shit.” He beamed widely and I just shook my head. Then he looked back at Tallis. “So, Yeti, what you gonna do with that soul in the vial, anyway? Don’t you gotta like give it some air so it don’t die?”
Tallis shook his head. “Nae. The soul doesnae require air.”
Bill nodded. “Okay, that’s good, but what about my other question? You gonna set it free, or what?”
Tallis frowned at him. “Ye know naethin’ ’bout this process, boot ye are employed by Afterlife Enterprises?”
“Yeah, so’s what?” Bill retorted to Tallis’s retreating back as the enormous Scotsman started working his way through the dead forest again. “It ain’t like I’ve ever gone on a mission like this before anyway. Nips ain’t the only newbie, so gimme a frickin’ break, yo!”
“Ah will return the soul ta Afterlife Enterprises via Soul Mail,” Tallis called over his shoulder.
“Soul mail?” I repeated curiously while facing Bill with a shrug.
He shrugged also, as if to say he had no idea what Soul Mail was either. Then he shook his head as he eyed Tallis’s back. “Frickin’ Shrek, man. Sometimes he is such a douche!” He started to glare at Tallis. “An’ not only is he a total douche, but the dude’s totally sufferin’ from Gherkinson’s Disease.”
“He’s suffering from what disease?” I asked while trying to figure out what Bill was trying to say.
“Gherkinson’s,” he responded as if repeating the name would give me the definition. “It’s a condition what makes certain men overcompensate for their lack of manhood by overachievin’ in areas such as…” he glanced up at Tallis again before facing me, “bodybuilding, for example.”
“Gherkinson’s Disease?” I repeated as I wondered how Bill came up with this stuff. “Tallis is acting a little bit weird,” I admitted when my gaze fell on the Scotsman’s broad back. As he moved, the tree tattoo on his back almost appeared as if it, too, were moving. It was an optical illusion, but the branches moved in time with his muscles. “Whatever happened back at Alaire’s must’ve really bothered him, so much that he doesn’t want to talk about it, or at least, that’s what I’m thinking.”
“Whatevs,” Bill said as he shook his head and tried to appear as if he couldn’t care less. “What happened at Alaire’s bothered all of us an’ you don’t see me or you actin’ like dickheads.”
He had a point. “No, I guess we aren’t.”
“We’ll stop here,” Tallis declared before pulling his sword in its scabbard over his head and leaning it against a tree. Both Bill and I glanced around, looking for the promised waterhole.
“Um, I don’t see no pool nowhere,” Bill said before he looked at me. “Maybe Sparky’s seein’ a mirage or some shit?”
“’Tis right around the corner,” Tallis said as he pointed to the skeletal remains of what was once an enormous tree on my right. Curious, I carefully made my way around the tree’s exposed roots. When I reached the back of it, I saw the watering hole, which was about ten feet wide by twelve feet long. Large boulders and more skeletal trees surrounded it.
“Is it safe to go in?” I asked Tallis as I turned to face him.
He nodded and handed me a bar of what looked like handmade soap which he’d just taken from his sporran. The soap was the color of wheat and was maybe the size of my palm. There were all sorts of seeds and sprigs of various plants sticking out of it, which suggested the Bladesmith was not only a master ironworker, but also a good chemist. “Ye will go in first, lass, an’ Ah will keep sentry fer ye,” he said as he reached for his sword.
“You’ll keep her what?” Bill inquired from where he sat at the bottom of a tree trunk about ten feet from me. He rubbed his back against the bark of the tree as if he itched and then closed his eyes.
“Sentry,” I responded. “It means he’s going to make sure nothing attacks me.”
“That’s good,” Bill said, not bothering to open his eyes. “Just wake me when it’s my turn. I’m gonna take an emotionap.”
I figured that meant he needed a nap after his unexpected crying spell from earlier. I glanced at Tallis, while shaking my head, only to find he was already watching me. As soon as our eyes met, he dropped his gaze to the ground and looked flummoxed. Then he cleared his throat and eyed me again. “Are ye ready, lass?”
“Yes,” I answered. I removed the scabbard which held my sword from around my chest and propped it against the large tree that I stood beneath. Then I took the last few steps around the tree, being careful not to trip over any of the exposed roots. When I reached the watering hole, I quickly looked down at myself and decided my clothes were beyond disgusting. They needed to be washed as much as my body did.
Tallis walked up to the largest boulder beside the still pool and leaned against it, taking his sword out of its sheath. His back was toward the water. “Is there anything in the water that I should be concerned about?” I asked.
Tallis didn’t bother to turn around. “Nae,” he answered while reaching into his sporran before producing a piece of iron, with which he started sharpening his sword. I figured that was my cue, and I took off my tennis shoes. I left them beside the large rock, pulling off my socks as I headed for the water. I stuck my toe in and was surprised by the tepid temperature of the water.
“It’s warm,” I exclaimed.
“Aye,” Tallis responded. “There’s volcanic activity in this section o’ the wood. It heats oop the water.”
Praying the volcano wouldn’t go off anytime soon, I was extremely grateful for the warm water. I placed the bar of soap on a nearby rock and started undressing. When I was down to my sports bra and yoga pants, I kneeled down on my haunches and started washing my socks and sweatshirt with the soap. “So you make swords and soap,” I commented.
“Aye,” Tallis responded. I could hear him sharpening his blade.
“Not bad,” I said. The soap’s foam-ability was impressive. Once my sweatshirt and socks were nicely sudsy, I took a few more steps into the water and rinsed them out. Just as I did, my stomach started to grumble. “Are we going to eat anytime soon?” I inquired.
“Aye,” Tallis responded.
“Is that the only thing you can say?” I prodded. I was well aware that he was in one of his anti-social moods, but I couldn’t say I cared.
“Aye,” Tallis said.
Frowning, I wrung out the sweatshirt and socks before spreading them out on top of a rock beside the pool. To my surprise, the rock was also warm. I hoped the warmth of the rock would dry my clothes more quickly.
Observing myself again, I realized I needed to take off the rest of my clothes in order to give them and myself a good washing. But I was very uncomfortable with the idea of getting naked while Tallis remained so close by. But, because he was completely occupied with sharpening his sword, I figured it was now or never. I took a few more hesitant steps into the water until it came up to my thighs. Unclasping my sports bra, I pulled it off my body, allowing my breasts to air out and breathe. I started washing the bra with the bar of soap and rinsed it out before placing it on the rock to dry.
With a deep breath, I started peeling my yoga pants off, having to bend over to pull them off my feet. That wasn’t exactly an easy feat while i
n the water. Once I managed to free myself from them, I took another few hurried steps into the water until it came up to my waist. Then I started lathering my yoga pants, and rinsing them out again. After I wrung them out, I placed them beside my sports bra before I finally turned to washing my body.
Peering back at Tallis again, I noticed he was in exactly the same position as the last time I checked on him. Facing forward, I pulled my hair from its high ponytail and submerged my body down to my shoulders. I dropped my head back until my hair soaked up the water. Then, after rubbing the soap in my palms until I got a good lather, I started washing my hair. I rinsed it out and lathered it again, trying to eradicate every last drop of sewage water from it. Afterwards, I looped my hair back through my hair band, after washing the hair tie, of course, and stood up to start lathering my body. I relished cleaning away the filth from the Underground City. I couldn’t remember a time a bath or shower had felt so good.
Once I was squeaky clean, I headed for the shallow end of the watering hole, where I’d first waded in, only after checking to be sure Tallis wasn’t looking at me, of course. When I reached the rocks, I picked up my sports bra, and happily smiled as I declared, “My clothes are nearly dry!”
“Aye, the rocks are heated as well,” Tallis replied, in a disinterested tone of voice.
I shook myself and tried to squeegee the remaining water from my arms and chest. Then I pulled my sports bra over my head and adjusted my breasts in the cups, before fastening it in the back. I took another few steps closer to the shore and squeegeed my legs before grabbing my yoga pants. They were just a bit wetter than my sports bra, but I hurriedly yanked them up my legs anyway. Once I was dressed again in clean clothes, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Okay, I’m decent,” I announced. Tallis didn’t say anything or make any motion to move. I just shrugged, again at a loss in understanding the way the man’s head worked. Instead, I went about my business: gathering up my socks, my sweatshirt, the bar of soap and my tennies. Once I collected everything, I walked over to Tallis and handed him the soap, which he silently accepted. I leaned against a rock adjacent to him and pulled my socks on. They were also completely dry. I shoved my feet into my tennis shoes and smiled at him. “I feel so much better.”
