by HP Mallory
“There is naethin’ boot darkness in meh,” he explained immediately, his heavy gaze moving from the hand I’d tried to touch him with to my face. His tone of voice was deep, but pained. “Ah am an aberration, ah sickness, ah plague.”
“No,” I argued immediately, shaking my head fervently and barely aware of the tears unabashedly streaming down my face. He cleared his throat as if it were hard for him to admit any of this and then he looked away again, almost as if he couldn’t bear to look me in the eyes. “No, Tallis, you are none of those things,” I started again, but my throat constricted, cutting off my voice, as a tide of sadness washed over me.
How could he think of himself in such a horrible way? How could he call himself darkness and disease? I thought. Why doesn’t he see the man that I see—a hero, my hero?
“Nae, lass, Ah am whit Ah’ve described,” he said as he smiled sadly, as if to say my words, while they were meant to be consoling, couldn’t breach his impenetrable walls. He reached forward and caught my tears on the pad of his thumb, wiping them away.
“Please don’t say that about yourself,” I managed between the tears that now streamed down my face. “I don’t believe any of it for a second,” I continued, shaking my head and wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands. “You have no idea what you are to me, or how much I care about you.”
“Ye cannae say these things tae meh, lass,” he announced, his expression suddenly hardening.
“Why?” I demanded, searching his face for an explanation.
“Och aye,” he continued, shaking his head as his eyes aimed for the ceiling only to return to mine moments later. His expression was unreadable. “’Cause ye are the sun,” he whispered. “An’ Ah am nuffin’.”
“Tallis, you are everything,” I started, smiling up at him despite the tears that continued to flow from my eyes. A strange mix of powerful happiness and extreme frustration seized me. “And I’m not the sun,” I protested as I shook my head, hating the fact that he’d put me on some sort of pedestal. “I’m human and very flawed just like every other person is.”
He brought his hands to my face and cupped my cheeks as he stared down at me and shook his head as if I were just a silly girl who didn’t get it. When he spoke, his voice was commanding, strong and unrelenting. “Ye are purity, beauty an’ innocence,” he continued.
“I feel the same way about you!” I insisted.
“Nae,” he said and shook his head. “Ah am oogliness,” he began as his lips grew tighter. “Ah am the oogliness o’ the darkness.”
“No,” I interrupted, fresh tears of frustration burning me anew. I hated hearing how he saw himself when he was none of those things at all! I just couldn’t figure out how to tell him what an amazing person he was, how I could show him the way in which I saw him. For the first time in my life, words actually failed me. “You are beautiful, Tallis,” I finally managed, thinking the words paled in comparison to my feelings for him. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”
He reached down and took both of my hands, dwarfing them in his. He rotated them around until my palms faced him. When he focused on my chapped skin, which was uneven with blisters, his cheeks began to grow red as he gritted his teeth. “’Twas mah fault that yer innocence was nearly taken frae ye.” He glanced up at me with hollow eyes.
“No, I’m not an innocent,” I argued, remembering how the handle of his blade hadn’t hurt when he, er Donnchadh, had pushed it into me. From what I could recall, I also hadn’t seen any blood. “Well, my body isn’t a virgin anyway,” I rephrased my comment. Technically, my soul still was since I’d never actually committed the deed.
Tallis chuckled before the laugh died and a slight smile took its place. “Ye are the embodiment o’ innocence, Besom, nae matter whit yer body may tell ye,” he said in a tone that brooked no arguments. A second or so later, the smile vanished from his mouth. “An’ Ah am yer protector. Boot ye needed tae protect yerself frae meh.” He shook his head again and dropped his attention to my hands, where they still lay clasped in his.
“It’s true I had to fight you off,” I said with a quick nod. “But you weren’t yourself, Tallis. I wasn’t fighting you; I was fighting Donnchadh.”
“We are one an’ the same,” he argued.
“No,” I almost interrupted him. “No, you aren’t. Donnchadh isn’t you. Donnchadh is nothing like you! And you know I’m right.” I paused for a second. “You have to know I’m right?”
“Ye had tae protect yerself ’gainst meh, lass, because ’twas mah fault Donnchadh took control o’ mah body in the first place,” he answered sternly, as if wanting to ensure that he disproved every nice thing I said about him.
“What do you mean?” I asked, eyeing him with suspicion.
“Ah invited Donnchadh tae take ova,” he continued, dropping his gaze to the floor as he exhaled and faced me again. “Afta Ah left the tavern, Ah got mahself as blootered as Ah could because Ah knew ’twould be harder fur meh tae control Donnchadh oonder the influence o’ the whiskey.”
Frowning, I tried to make sense of his words. “You wanted Donnchadh to take control of you?” He nodded, and I suddenly felt ill. “Why?”
“Because Ah gave oop,” he answered simply.
“You gave up because Jason and Alaire didn’t grant you the absolution you expected from them?”
He shook his head immediately, letting me know I was far off base. “Nae, Ah could give ah bludy damn ’boot Jason an’ Alaire.” He took a breath and continued to shake his head. “Ah gave oop because Ah wasnae strong enough tae fight mah evil feelins fer ye, lass. An’ havin’ these feelins fer ye made meh realize Ah was nae better than Ah ever had been.” He chuckled acidly as his midnight-blue eyes met mine. “Ah realized all the time Ah was repentin’ was fer nothin’.”
“You’re a man,” I argued, thinking Tallis Black had issues, and then some. “Men have sexual feelings, Tallis. It’s completely natural.”
“Ah thought Ah was strong enough tae overcome mah humanity,” he lamented. “An’ Ah thought Ah could be strong enough tae overcome them fer ye.”
“What you’re asking of yourself is impossible,” I pointed out, not understanding how he could even think he was capable of something like that. “Even though you might have the immortal spirit of Donnchadh inside of you, you were, and are, human, Tallis.”
“Nae,” he started to argue again, but I interrupted him.
“I don’t care if you’re a Druid and two thousand years old. I don’t care if you’re possessed. I don’t care about your history. I don’t care if you’re this or you’re that. At the end of the day, you’re human,” I finished. My terse tone warned him not to argue with me. He didn’t respond, so I continued. “And,” I started, but my voice died away as embarrassment set in. But I had to ditch the sudden awkwardness I felt because I needed to tell Tallis how deeply my emotions ran for him. “And I care about you.” I held my chin up defiantly. “I care about you more than I’ve ever cared about another man and it’s important to me that you … know that.”
“Lass,” he started, exhaling deeply, but I interrupted him by grasping his hands in mine. My blisters burned as soon as I touched him but I ignored the pain.
“I want us to be more than what we are,” I explained, suddenly surprising myself for being so direct, but I figured there was no turning back now, so I should say exactly what I was thinking. “I don’t want us to just be friends, or whatever we are.”
He immediately shook his head. “’Tis wrong tae ever think that ye an’ Ah,” he began, but his voice trailed away. I could already tell what he was thinking.
“Tallis, you aren’t darkness,” I declared unwaveringly. I glanced down at his forearms, which were covered with dark, wiry hair that did nothing to hide the sinewy muscles. “You are a good man,” I stated simply. When I looked back up at him, Tallis immediately shook his head again.
“Mah past,” he started, but I interrupted him.
“So
you have a past!” I spat the words out, surprised at the vehemence in my tone. But I was frustrated. It was hard listening to Tallis talk about his eternal faults, and even more difficult trying to convince him that he wasn’t the pariah he claimed he was. “So what? You’ve repented for your past, Tallis. I know you have! And you know you have, too, regardless of what Alaire and Jason Streethorn think! Regardless of what anyone thinks!”
He shook his head more fiercely this time.
“I’ve seen you repenting!” I protested, the image of him flogging himself in the snow flashing through my brain.
But Tallis refused to change his mind. I could see as much by his stiff composure. “Some things can ne’er be forgiven.”
“Yes, they can,” I insisted. “All things can.”
He dropped his gaze to the floor and inhaled deeply, as if straining for more air. His attention settled on my yoga pants, precisely where I’d stitched them back together after Donnchadh attacked me. “Did Ah?” he started.
“Donnchadh,” I interrupted him. “It wasn’t you.”
“Hoo far did he git?” he asked, his shameful eyes meeting mine.
“I was able to fend Donnchadh off,” I answered with a smile intended to convey that everything was okay.
“Whit did Ah do tae ye?” he demanded, his eyes forbidding me from avoiding the question. “Ah need ye tae tell meh, lass.”
“Nothing regrettable, Tallis,” I answered with another consoling smile even though I wondered if I was actually telling the truth on that point. “I’m okay.”
His eyes followed the line of my body down to my feet. “Ye’r naethin’ boot ah small lass an’ ye defeated Donnchadh, the most powerful o’ warriors,” he said, almost skeptical of his own words. When his eyes found mine, I could see the pride in their depths. “Ye are ah fighter, Besom. Ah hae trained ye well.”
“Yes, you have,” I immediately concurred. He was damn right; he had trained me well.
We both fell silent for barely a few seconds before he spoke again. “Efter Ah touched ye in the tavern, Ah forced mahself tae leave ye there because Ah was afraid ’twould happen again.” He paused temporarily, obviously collecting his thoughts. “Ah left ye because Ah thought ’twas best fer meh ta dae so. Ah didnae want tae, lass, boot Ah knew Ah couldnae troost mahself near ye.” He paused for another second. “Ah was able tae keep mah feelins fer ye tae mahself oontil that night at the tavern. Wif the whiskey, Ah had tae act on them.”
“I understand why you left us now,” I replied as I nodded. “And you were right to think that something … of a sexual nature would happen between us again. I’ve thought about that, myself,” I admitted with a deep breath before I impulsively blurted out the rest of my thought. “But what if I wanted,” I started, and quickly corrected myself. “What if I want something to happen between us again?”
Tallis immediately shook his head and took another step away from me. “Ye dinnae know whit ye’re sayin’, lass,” he began.
“I do know exactly what I’m saying,” I argued, irritated he wasn’t responding the way I’d hoped and fantasized he would. I’d already made my mind up that I wanted Tallis—I’d wanted him from the moment I’d met him. Granted, there were times when I’d more wanted to kill him, but the truth of the matter was that those times were few and far between. I had never met anyone like Tallis and I knew I never would. He was my paragon of the perfect man, complete in all his flaws.
“’Twill never happen ’gain, lass.”
Instant disappointment snaked through me. I wondered if the reason why it would never happen again had something to do with me being “the light” and him being “the darkness.”
“Why not?” I inquired.
“Ah made mahself ah promise.”
“A promise?” I repeated, eyeing him pointedly.
“Aye.”
“Do you care to elaborate?” I persisted, fully aware that the tone of my voice couldn’t conceal my obvious disappointment.
“Ye saved meh frae mahself,” he started. I figured he was referring to the incident when Donnchadh took over his body and I helped put Tallis back in rightful control. “Ah owe ye ah great debt.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Tallis,” I replied sadly, but he shook his head in that stubborn fashion of his.
“Ah might not hae been granted the absolution Ah expected from Jason Streethorn an’ Alaire; an’ now Ah verra mooch doubt Ah will ever see it. Boot Ah hae decided that Ah willnae give oop. Ah will seek the pardon Ah need … through ye.”
“Through me?” I repeated, frowning. I didn’t like the sound of that at all and, further, I didn’t understand how I could offer him an ounce of salvation.
“Aye,” he said with a firm nod. “Ye are the best example o’ ah human Ah have come across, lass. Therefore, Ah am makin’ it mah business tae become yer protector an’ tae ensure that nae harm comes tae ye durin’ yer missions tae the Oonderground.”
“My protector?” I restated, thinking he’d already assumed that role. True, in the beginning he’d said I’d have to pay him for his protection, but it wasn’t as though he’d ever come calling for that fee …
“Aye, Ah am forever in yer service,” he announced, matter-of-factly.
“But that isn’t what I want, Tallis!” I said, glaring at him. “I don’t want you to be my protector!” Well, that wasn’t entirely true, but I didn’t bother to correct myself because I figured he got my gist.
“Ah doonae,” he started and it was his turn to frown at me.
“I want us to be equals!” I yelled, amazed at how dense he could be. I’d basically spelled out my wants and needs for him a few minutes earlier. “I want us to be equals, yes, and friends and, um,” I started to lose my nerve so I took a deep breath, and stood up taller before forcing the rest out. “I want us to be lovers.”
“Lass,” Tallis started as he shook his head. He took another few steps away from me as if he were suddenly afraid I might reach out and grab him.
“I have never had sex with a man, Tallis,” I explained, dropping my gaze to the ground. Then I remembered that I needed to be strong, and forced my eyes back to his. “I trust you. I feel safe with you and I know you would never hurt me.”
“Ah would never hurt ye,” he concurred.
“I know,” I answered. “And what’s more, I’m very … attracted to you. I want my first time to be with you, Tallis, and no one else. I want you to teach me how to please you as well as you taught me how to wield my sword.”
It seemed like all the color drained from his face and I couldn’t read his expression because there really wasn’t one. He just stood there, looking like a statue. My heart pounded inside me and I tried to quell the feelings of humiliation that were already invading and threatening to take over.
When Tallis finally spoke, his voice was gentle. “Ah cannae be yer lover, mooch though Ah want tae be.” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before opening them again and focusing on me. “Ye hae nae idea how badly Ah wish Ah could be yer man, Besom,” he said before taking another breath. “Boot Ah can never be. Ye are tae good fer meh,” he finished softly.
I never thought in a million years that it could be so difficult to lose my virginity.
“The water was more sombre far than perse”
– Dante’s Inferno
SEVEN
“Okay,” I said with resignation to Tallis.
I’d finally given up our conversation and, in so doing, sounded completely deflated. Yes, the thought did occur to me that maybe I’d given in too soon. And, yes, I imagined there had to be something I could have said that would have changed his mind about how he viewed himself and us … But after further consideration, nothing came to mind. That was because there really wasn’t anything more to be said. I couldn’t think of a single thing that could change Tallis’s prerogative; and rather than chasing my tail, I figured it was time to concede victory to Tallis. At least, for now.
I started for the door again
and couldn’t help pausing when I noticed Tallis didn’t try to stop me this time. That realization felt like an enormous rock settling right down into my gut.
He’s letting me go, I thought. Just like that.
“Where are ye goin’?” Tallis demanded as I halted at the threshold of the doorway. My heartbeat was racing and it felt like maybe only mere seconds stood between it simply exploding right there in my chest. In what felt like slow motion, I turned around to face the man who possessed my heart. I didn’t say anything right away because I was so overcome with emotion. All I could do was stand there, wishing things could have turned out differently between us.
“Lily?” he repeated my name for the second time in the last thirty minutes, yet it still had the same impact as the first time he’d said it. He took a step closer toward me as he eyed me curiously.
“I’m going to see Alaire!” The words just flew from my mouth as if they had a mind of their own. In fact, I couldn’t even remember trying to formulate a response in the first place. As soon as the words were out of my mouth and clinging to the air between us, I knew I’d said them merely to make Tallis jealous. Yes, it was wrong, but I couldn’t help being thrilled at Tallis’s sudden pinched expression. His eyes narrowed in obvious anger and his breathing instantly increased.
“Alaire?” he repeated, his eyes burning. They were tapered into such tight slits that I could barely make out their midnight blue any longer. “An’ whit are ye goin’ tae see Alaire fer?”
As soon as he asked the question, I berated myself for answering so honestly in the first place. I’d just opened a huge can of worms. Knowing I was on my way to see Alaire, there was no way Tallis was going to let me go easily.
“I, um, I agreed to have dinner with him,” I started. When I noticed the sudden redness in Tallis’s cheeks, I realized they probably weren’t the choicest of words to start out with.
