by HP Mallory
I figured that term had something to do with best friends and testicles, but being in no hurry to find out, I changed the subject. “How did you get here, Bill?”
“How did I get here?” he repeated quizzically. He dropped his head into his hand dramatically before facing one of the women who stood closest to him. “She wants to know how I got here.” The woman simply nodded as if she, too, wanted nothing more than to hear his story. Bill faced me again as his smile dropped right off his face. “I’ll tell you how I got here! I had to walk for four freakin’ days through that evil, hate forest with those freakin,’ crazy ass spiders an’ those messed up trees. I didn’t sleep for even like, an hour.” He turned to the woman on his other side and further explained, “’Cause that forest is like, haunted an’ shit.” Then he cocked his head to the side as he studied her. “But you’re, like, Elvira’s sister so you prolly get off on all o’ that scary Halloween crap.” The woman just nodded at him blankly and I momentarily wondered if she spoke any English. “Anyways,” Bill continued as he faced me again, “not only did I have ta travel through the scary-ass forest, but I had ta do it all by myself!” He shook his head like it was a huge tragedy, but I could tell he was proud of himself. And I wasn’t about to ruin his buzz by reminding him that as an angel, nothing in the Dark Wood could have hurt him anyway.
“Thanks, Bill,” I said with a warm smile.
Bill didn’t appear to hear me, though, and continued to shake his head and sigh. Repeatedly. “I’m gonna have ta sleep with a nightlight on for, like, the rest of my life,” he finished.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I started as more questions flooded my mind. “But how did you even know where to find me in the first place?” I was perplexed and amazed that Bill had not only taken on such a huge task, but actually succeeded.
Bill ignored my question and put his arms around two of the women closest to him as he faced me again. “I swear, I’m so traumatized by the last five days that I can’t even focus on my getting laid parade.” I assumed that was just another term for his new band of friends who were still in the process of clinging to him, a shocker in and of itself. As a rule, Bill didn’t have much luck attracting the opposite sex. Well, that was before his visit to the Toy Store.
“Bill, getting back to my question …” I prodded.
“Yeah, yeah,” he started and frowned at me. “I wanted to call you an’ find out where the hells you were but then I remembered you had my phone. Soze I called Jason Skeletorhorn an’ told him I lost my AE phone.” Regular phones, aka phones not provided by Afterlife Enterprises, couldn’t access other AE phones, so it made sense that Bill would have gone to Jason if only in an attempt to get an AE-issued phone. “So the dude actually FedExed me another phone, an’ then texted me with our mission.” He reached inside his pocket and produced what looked like an iPhone. “So now, I got me ah brand spankin’ new smartie phone soze I can take snelfies!” He glanced at the woman to his right and elucidated. “That’s when you take a picture of yourself usin’ your phone while sneezin’.”
“Oh!” she responded and then giggled as she buried her face in Bill’s neck and proceeded to give him a hickey.
“You called Jason and got a new phone just so you could find out where I was and then you came all this way to get me?” I asked, tears welling up in my eyes because I actually found it hard to believe. Even though Bill drove me beyond crazy sometimes, he really, truly cared about me and at times like these, the point hit home.
“Does the Pope shit in the woods?” Bill replied, shaking his head like I was slow.
I figured the answer was yes. “Thanks, Bill,” I said and smiled at him.
“’Course, sugar mounds, you know how much you mean to me,” he responded with a smile before flinching. “Ouch, baby,” he said to the woman who was still sucking on his neck, while looking at her from the corner of his eyes. “A little less suckin’, baby.” Then he glanced back at me and erupted into a fit of laughter. “Said no man ever!”
I just shook my head. “I’m still amazed to see you here. I thought for sure you were hungover somewhere.”
“Well, don’t get me wrong,” he giggle-chuckled. “I had me plenty o’ Russian mornings.” With a shrug, he turned to the woman to his left, the one who wore glasses, and clarified. “That’s when you wake up after a night of drinkin’ nothin’ but vodka.” Then he faced me again. “But after I sobered up, I realized Nerdlet still wasn’t home, and then shit got real, knows what I’m sayin’?”
“I can honestly say I’ve never come across an angel quite like you before,” Jenny commented. She glanced over at Tallis, ostensibly seeking his opinion, but he just shrugged as if to say he didn’t have an explanation for Bill. But then, no one did.
“Damn skippy, baby,” Bill muttered as he looked Jenny up and down and then nodded to let it be known he found her attractive. When he looked at Tallis, he inclined his head. “Who’s the super hot, super tall, slay mama?”
“The what mama?” Jenny asked with a laugh.
“Just means you’re so good lookin’, you’re like, stabbin’ my heart an’ slayin’ my eyes,” Bill explained before inclining his head in the direction of the other women that surrounded him. I couldn’t be sure, but it seemed like their number had actually increased by one or two. “You wanna join us, baby?” he asked. “There’s plenty o’ angel Billy to go around.”
“Um,” Jenny took a step closer to Tallis, and answered “thanks, but I’m happy where I am.”
I immediately cleared my throat, wanting nothing more than to get this show on the road so we could get the hell off Sexually Frustrated Island. “Maybe I need to remind all of you,” I interrupted while glaring up at Tallis. He just smiled at me innocently, like he had no control over what was happening. “… that we are here specifically to retrieve a soul.”
“Okay, bubble butt,” Bill chortled, making no motion to separate himself from his squadron of women. “Get to it!”
I sighed, glancing down at his old flip-phone in my hand, where I still clutched it tightly. I checked the screen and immediately realized that the soul we were meant to retrieve was directly in front of me. From the location of the red dot on the map, it appeared as if it had to be in the river. “It looks like the soul is in the river,” I announced before facing Bill and Tallis, neither of whom appeared in the least bit interested.
Bill started humming “Sitting On the Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding, so I figured that was a hint that I was on my own. That, and Tallis wasn’t budging an inch from Jenny’s side. Irritated more than I cared to admit over the whole Tal-Jen situation, I exhaled loudly and started for the river. I kept checking Bill’s phone to make sure I was heading in the right direction.
“Valeria, assist her,” Jenny called out from behind me. I heard the sound of heels clicking against the hardwood floors, and before I knew it, “Valeria” was standing beside me. She was dressed in a long, tight, black leather skirt that looked like a mermaid’s tail. The dress was strapless and her enormous breasts billowed over the top, looking like fleshy pillows. Her hair was long, bright red, and parted down the middle, and her almond-shaped eyes were the fiercest green I’d ever seen. She, too, wore outlandishly high heels.
She held out her hand like she wanted something from me. It took me a second or two to realize what she was after, and I offered her Bill’s phone, thinking she wanted to know where the soul was located in the river. But she immediately shook her head.
“The vial,” she said in the same accent as Elizaveta’s.
“Oh,” I answered before unzipping my fanny pack and handing her the clear, plastic vial that all Retrievers used to transport souls. Yanking the vial from my hand, she started toward the river, seemingly oblivious that her long, pointed heels were sinking into the mud bank. As soon as she met the water, though, her heels stopped sinking and it looked as if she were actually floating across the water. She kicked a few souls back into the river who were doing their be
st to climb out of it. How she failed to succumb to the laws of gravity by not sinking into the water, I had no idea, but it looked like she was walking on a sheet of glass.
She paused after reaching the center of the river and looked down at it, watching the waves of souls as they sputtered and choked with little interest. Seconds later, she bent over and plunged her hand into the water. When she pulled it back out, her hand was in the shape of a fist and completely dry. Not even so much as a single water droplet appeared on her skin. She rotated her hand so it was palm-side-up and opened it, revealing a glowing ball, which was the misplaced soul. Then she emptied the glowing soul into the plastic vial and capped the top of it. Turning to face me, she started walking back over the river again. As soon as she reached the muddy bank, her heels began sinking again, but she didn’t seem to notice or care. With one last step, she reached the hardwood floors. She handed the vial, with the soul in it, to me.
“Thanks,” I said with a hesitant smile. I unzipped my fanny pack and deposited the vial into it. Then I turned to face Bill, who was completely buried amidst the gaggle of women, kissing and feeling each of them up in turn. I shook my head and sighed as I turned to Tallis, not wanting him to get any ideas about Jenny.
“Got the soul which means we can go,” I announced.
Jenny immediately plastered herself on Tallis as I wondered how difficult it was going to be to talk him into leaving and, more so, to pry all those women off Bill. I had no idea what it was about this island, but it seemed like all everyone on it (with the exception of me) could think about was sex! Maybe it was something in the water …
“Now that we’ve helped you claim your soul,” Jenny said, her attention riveted on Tallis, “I hope you both will appease my girls?” I figured she was referring to Tallis and Bill. At least, I hoped she was referring to Tallis and Bill. Yes, I was still inexperienced when it came to being with a man, but of one thing I was certain, I wasn’t interested in being with a woman.
Jenny ran her hand down Tallis’s chest, making it more than obvious that she included herself in her statement. I felt my stomach churn as Tallis’s eyes found mine. He smiled, letting me know he was enjoying every second of my disquietude. I scowled at him.
“Mooch though Ah would love tae, Ah have tae git Lily back,” he answered with a heartfelt, apologetic smile for Jenny. “As Ah am her guardian, she is mah main concern.”
I could have thrown my arms around Tallis and kissed him with all of my being. But I didn’t. Instead, I just stood there, leaning on my poster-bed crutch, glumly.
“Oh,” Jenny answered with a pout as her shoulders fell. She glanced over at Bill who was basically being overpowered by the horde of women and currently lay sprawling on the floor with them. “Then I hope you’ll at least leave the angel?”
Tallis looked at me and tilted his head as if he were asking me what I thought of Jenny’s question. I sighed as I observed Bill and figured he was experiencing something that previously only existed in his dreams. Besides, I was pretty sure that he’d never find himself in this situation again, so I figured I’d throw him a proverbial bone. I nodded at Tallis to let him know I was fine with it.
“’Twill take oos some time tae ready the barge fur the three o’ oos, lass,” Tallis said, implying that we should head back outside, to the bank of the river. That was just as well because the last thing I wanted to do was hang around and watch Bill. Yuck-and-a-half.
“I’ll walk you to the front,” Jenny offered, taking Tallis’s arm before they both started forward, leaving me to crutch my way behind them. I was so ticked off, I started muttering things under my breath, but limped forward all the same.
When we reached the front of Jenny’s establishment, she held the door open for both Tallis and me which surprised me because I figured she’d forgotten all about me. Tallis walked through the door first, and once he was outside, appeared to scout out each direction to make sure the coast was clear for me.
“You’re a very lucky girl to have the bladesmith as your guardian,” Jenny whispered as I walked through the door. I glanced at her and noticed her attention still rested on Tallis, who was now on his way down the hill toward the river.
“Yes, I am,” I answered, not really knowing what else to say.
“I don’t know what the nature of your relationship is,” she continued, not even sparing me a glance as she studied the handsome Scotsman. I took a step forward and she closed the door behind me. “But it’s obvious you both have feelings for each other,” she finished. “I could see it in the way you look at each other.”
“Yes,” I said; there was no point in denying it.
“The bladesmith is a stubborn, proud and difficult man,” she persisted, her beautiful eyes finally coming to rest on me. “But he’s a good one, no matter his history.”
“I know,” I answered. I was already well aware of everything she was telling me but I was still surprised to hear it coming from her mouth. Especially when only moments earlier, it had appeared as if she were putting the moves on my bladesmith. Maybe I’d misjudged Jenny?
“Just be patient with him,” she ended the conversation with a quick, friendly smile. “He needs you as much as you need him.”
I was so flabbergasted, I didn’t know what to say. But I was spared the need to respond because Jenny simply walked away. She started down the front steps, evidently unconcerned that she wasn’t wearing any shoes, while the decrepit, wooden steps looked like five thousand splinters just waiting to happen. Then she ran down the hill and joined Tallis at the bottom where he was busy inspecting the barge and the oar.
Taking the steps one at a time, I carefully navigated my way with my crutch. Once I reached the ground, I took another few steps hurriedly, not happy to find Tallis and Jenny were no longer in my line of vision. I had a feeling I needed to keep my eye on the beautiful brunette.
“What the hell?” I heard Jenny’s voice just as I made my way to the crest of the hill. I stopped short, and my heart suddenly lodged in my throat. Jenny and Tallis were at the base of the hill, surrounded by … hideously ugly monsters.
The fierce things were about two feet high and three feet long. Although they looked as if they could have been bipedal, they moved nimbly using their hands and feet. They were completely hairless and their bodies were shaped of lean muscle. Their skin had a leathery appearance, which, in the moonlight, glowed a bright fuchsia-pink. Both their hands and feet terminated into long, pointed claws that looked as if they could do substantial damage. However, their faces were the most repugnant aspect of their bodies. Their mouths remained agape and featured enormous, protruding fangs, set like rows of shark teeth. They kept rearing up at one another, as well as at Tallis and Jenny, growling and turning up their wide snouts to show their undeniably impressive teeth. Their eyes glowed orange and yellow, but their pupils were mere slivers, just like cats’ eyes.
“Go! Get out of here!” I heard Jenny yelling at them as she kicked out at one that ventured a little too close to her. She tried to shoo them back toward the river, but the creatures seemed hydrophobic and wouldn’t go anywhere near it.
“Tallis?” I called out, not sure if he was going to come up the hill to help me back down it or what.
“Lily, stay whaur ye are!” Tallis roared up at me. He held up his hand to warn me not to take another step. I nodded as I retreated back under the overhang of the Toy Store’s front porch, where I didn’t expect to be spotted. From my new vantage point, I couldn’t see much, so I crutched over to the other corner, where I could just make out the shock on Jenny’s face.
“They shouldn’t be here,” she told Tallis, shaking her head as if she were at a loss. “It’s not as though they could have crossed the river either. You know how much they hate water.”
“We need tae focoos oan gettin’ them back tae the city noo,” Tallis replied, apparently more interested in the solution than the problem.
“Yes,” Jenny said as she nodded. “Alaire is going
to hear about this. He knows none of his creatures are allowed to touch foot on my island.” Just as she finished her sentence, three of the hideous creatures ran right past her, growling and lashing out at each other. “This is bullshit!” she railed out, shaking her head in obvious anger. “He’s in breach of our contract.”
“And I apologize for that,” Alaire announced as he appeared from around the corner of a long-dead tree and stood directly in front of them. He was dressed snappily in a two-piece, dark grey suit with a charcoal dress shirt. His hair was slicked back, and the moonlight made it appear even glossier. He looked, for all intents and purposes, sufficiently recovered from his encounter with Tallis, when he’d been impaled by the Scotsman’s broadsword.
“What the hell is the meaning of this?” Jenny seethed at him, her hands fisting at her sides. I instantly got the feeling that Jenny and Alaire didn’t see eye to eye.
“This, my dear Ms. Harrington, is a mere mistake,” Alaire answered as one of the creatures ran across his path, in pursuit of another one. “An accident,” Alaire finished in that highfalutin tone of his that made me want to smack him.
“I doubt that very much,” Jenny hissed, throwing her hands on her hips. “How can Hanuush demons from the eighth level of the Underground make it to my island when they all detest water? There’s nothing accidental about that at all!”
“I do not know what to tell you, my lovely neighbor,” Alaire shrugged as he shook his head. “It is quite a mystery, is it not?” Then he faced Tallis and smiled broadly. “Ah, Black, so good to see you after the number you did on me earlier, not to mention how you destroyed my Armani suit.”
“Why are ye haur, Alaire?” Tallis demanded as he crossed his arms against his chest and regarded Alaire with anger.
“I came to collect my demons,” Alaire replied, raising his shoulders as if the answer were obvious. “As you can see, they are most certainly not welcome here.”
