by HP Mallory
The thing recoiled as it launched another green glob in Tallis’s direction, but the bladesmith was far too swift for the injured creature to hit. He spun around on one foot, bringing his other foot down so he was facing the thing. Then he held his sword up above his right shoulder and decapitated the creature’s head clean off. The head fell onto the ground with a loud thump before rolling forward a few feet. Any blood that splattered on the ground was greedily swallowed up by the earth, something which made me very uneasy because it seemed as if the ground, itself, were alive and hungry.
“So, ya still think it’s pro’lly not a good idea to eat it?” Bill asked.
“I had already fixed mine eyes on his…”
- Dante’s Inferno
SIX
“What do you think that thing was?” I asked Tallis after finally calming down enough to actually form intelligible words again.
“Ah dinnae know,” he answered, wiping the sweat from his brow. As usual, nothing about him indicated he was in any way affected by what just happened. Having never seen Tallis worried, or in any way fearful about anything, I doubted he ever was. I often wondered if he were even capable of feeling surprised? I could only surmise the plethora of oddities he must have seen during his two-thousand-year-long life, so the answer was probably no.
“Do you have any guesses as to what it was?” I asked, suddenly feeling the need to blab in order to calm my nerves. “I mean, it didn’t look like a demon to me; not like the ones in the Underground City anyway.” ’Course, it also wasn’t like I’d seen all the demons in the Underground City. The ones I had seen, however, were still plenty frightening to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.
“Ah have nae guesses, ’cause Ah have nae seen it before,” Tallis answered, showing little interest. His response struck me as curious. Given how familiar he was with the Underground City, I figured he must have seen every sort of demon the city had to offer. Hmmm … interesting …
“Do you think it was a demon?” I inquired, now genuinely concerned.
I watched Tallis cleaning the creature’s goo off the blade of his sword. He wiped it onto the animal pelt, which was lying on top of the platform. Once the sword shone brightly again, he re-sheathed it in the scabbard across his chest. Frowning at me, he replied, “Ah dinnae know, lass.” He sounded annoyed.
“Hey, Donnie and Marie, here’s a great idea,” Bill suddenly exclaimed, waving his hands in the air to make sure he had our attention. “Why don’t we postpone all the chitchat an’, like, get the fuck outta Dodge?” He nodded emphatically, while adding, “’Cause I dunno ’bout youse bitches, but I don’t wanna hang around waitin’ for another one o’ those spiky, dickless trolls to take another stab at us again! Nope! I wanna get the fuck home, yoze!”
Tallis didn’t say anything, but nodded and approached me. He squatted down so his back was facing me. “Joomp oan, lass,” he ordered.
So he was going to carry me piggyback? Probably easier than carrying me bride-style; and I was definitely not okay with being slung over his shoulder. I could only imagine all the blood rushing to my head; it would surely lead to a major headache … So, with a shrug, I hopped on top of his amply broad back and looped my arms around his neck. When I wrapped my legs around his waist, I felt like I was all of twelve years old again.
“Hold oan tight,” he advised me before gripping me around my legs as he stood up.
“Wow, check out the view from up here!” I said with a little laugh. Even though I meant it as a joke, I actually did have a better view from atop the seven-foot giant.
“Ugh! Why can’t freakin’ Tido piggyback my sorry ass?” Bill grumbled as he glanced over at Tallis. “I mean that in like a totally ungay way, dude, so don’t get no swishy ideas.”
“Aye, Tido has nae plans tae piggyback ye, or yer fat arse,” Tallis responded with a crooked smile. “An’ yer bum’s out the windae if ye think Ah will ever git ideas aboot ye, ye bludy dobber,” he finished, shaking his head.
“What about my bum an’ the window?” Bill asked, shaking his head.
“I think he’s saying you’re out of your mind if you think he’d ever have … amorous feelings toward you,” I translated.
Bill nodded. “Ah, okay.”
I laughed and leaned into Tallis’s warm body. I rested my head against his broad back and loved the way he felt underneath me. As he walked, I could feel his muscles shifting, barely straining despite his increased load. I wasn’t sure why, but that thought really turned me on.
You’re turned on because he’s carrying you like a pack mule? I asked myself but immediately knew the answer.
No, I’m turned on because Tallis always turns me on.
“I’m so happy you’re with us, Tallis,” I whispered into his right ear. I dropped my head back down onto his back and pressed my cheek against it.
He didn’t say anything, although he tightened his hold around my legs. I couldn’t tell if the purpose of his gesture was to let me know he heard and understood me, or if he were just trying to get a better grip on my legs. It didn’t matter; the gesture was whatever it was, and that much was enough for me. At least, for now.
It’s going to have to be enough for you forever, I chastised myself. The sooner you get it into your thick skull and accept that this is all you and Tallis will ever be, so much the better!
Despite the validity of my words, I couldn’t help wishing things were different. If only someday, we could have more than this uncomfortable relationship we now shared.
Don’t hold your breath, that harsh, inner voice of mine finished.
And as much as I wanted to argue with this cynical side of myself, I couldn’t deny how right I was. Blindly wishing that things were different was not only impractical, but also frustrating.
Don’t wish for things to be different with Tallis, Lily, I consoled myself. Just accept him and enjoy him for whoever and whatever he is. Remember the words of John Henry Newman: “Let us act on what we have, since we have not what we wish.”
As always, quoting my self-help gurus and other do-gooders instilled a sense of relief and comfort within me. Like a curtain of water, the words washed over the fiery embers of my anxiety and frivolous expectations, extinguishing the source of my unrest … at least for the time being.
“Hey, Conan, how long you really think you’re gonna be able to carry her like that?” Bill piped up as he faced me with an expression of disbelief on his round face. “’Cause she ain’t that light.”
“If he puts me down, that doesn’t mean he’ll carry you,” I snapped because I was more than aware of why Bill was making this point to begin with.
“I’m not expectin’ that, nerdlet,” he retorted in a patronizing tone. “I was just askin’ a freakin’ question, fer chrissakes.”
Despite Bill’s reasons for his question, it was actually a pertinent one. I also wondered how long Tallis could carry me. The energy he’d expended when killing the thing from the river had to have taxed him. By now, he was probably well beyond exhausted and I was just an additional burden …
***
Tallis managed to carry me for five hours before he even started to slow down. It was just as well, too, since I couldn’t decide which ached more—my back or my arms. That, and I felt more than sure that his hands were permanently imprinted into my thighs.
“Ah needs tae make water,” he announced as he set me down onto my feet in a small clearing. “We will stop haur an’ rest fer the night.”
“Dude, why don’t ya just say ya need to take a piss, like any normal person?” Bill asked as he shook his head and gave me a look. Seeking the nearest dead tree to collapse underneath, once Bill’s butt hit the dirt, he scrunched backwards until his head was at the base of the tree. Then he crossed his feet at the ankles, and said, “I’m gonna get me some shut-eye,” before closing his eyes. He began to wiggle back and forth against the rough ground, ostensibly to scratch his lower back.
Tallis glanced over at me and quickly said,
“Besom, ready yer sword in case ye need it.” I nodded and removed my sword from its scabbard before looking back up at Tallis. He soon disappeared into the dark forest to “make water.” Succumbing to my exhaustion, I took a seat across from Bill, but kept my sword lying on the ground beside me, in case I needed it.
“Well, shit on a stick,” Bill said as he slapped his thigh. A huge smile appeared across his lips as he explained, “Ol’ Billy Angel’s finally got some service in this here neck o’ the frickin’ hate woods!” He motioned to the iPhone, which lay in his lap.
“I thought you were sleeping?” I replied.
“Yeah, me too … but the Sandman called in sick before the Verizon man took over,” he answered with a broad grin. He held up his phone in case I didn’t understand what he meant by “Verizon man.”
I instantly recalled the phone Alaire gave me along with the bag of other goodies. While I was on Tallis’s back, I’d managed to wriggle the canvas bag onto my back, like a backpack. Thinking of it now, with Tallis gone, I decided to inspect the phone and the contents of the bag. I immediately disengaged the impromptu backpack from my shoulders and prayed that Tallis wouldn’t return anytime soon.
“And not only do I have service, but I also got Tinder service!” Bill announced as his smile widened. “Shit the fuck yeah!”
“You really intend to go on Tinder right now?” I asked him, shaking my head as I frowned. However, I wasn’t paying that much attention to Bill. Instead, I pulled the smartphone from its box and hit the power button, waiting not so patiently as it fired up.
“What the hell else can I do?” Bill whined as he shrugged. “This ain’t no resort town with a friggin’ golf course, ya know, or a swim-up bar.” That was putting it mildly. “So, to answer your question, yes, I plan to see if maybe there are any Tinderellas in or around Shitzville.”
“You think you can find available, interested women in the Dark Wood?” I asked incredulously. Sometimes, I wondered what universe Bill lived in.
“Dude, I got the service,” Bill countered, “might as well make the best of it.”
“I guess so,” I replied, paying more attention to the Samsung in my hands. “But don’t get disappointed if all you end up with is some hideous creature like the one Tallis just killed,” I warned him. The smartphone asked me to swipe the screen in order to unlock it.
“Yep, they’re on Tinder too,” Bill responded, without bothering to look up from his phone.
“Nice,” I said as I shook my head. “I wish you lots of luck.”
“Don’t get jealous when I find myself a real honey,” Bill bantered back.
“I doubt you’ll find any real honeys or Tinderellas out here,” I replied with a shrug. Glancing around myself, I could only detect the faint outlines of long dead trees against the darker pitch of the sky. “More like Tindersteins.”
“Ha-ha, nips! You’re so damn funny,” Bill grumbled while slapping his thigh in mock hilarity. Jerk. “An’ look at that!” he exclaimed, shaking his head. His eyes danced with glee, and his smile widened. “I’m surrounded by babes!”
“There’s no way,” I retorted. My mouth dropped open as I tried to comprehend how that could be possible.
He held his phone up and began swiping right onto the first five profiles that came up, without even bothering to look at the pictures. “Apparently, it is possible to Tinder Bomb the Dark Wood,” he replied with a giggle. “Fuck yeah!”
I shook my head in blatant denial. There was no way he could convince me that eligible women existed within a ten-mile radius. “It must be pulling that data from somewhere else,” I said. “We must be in a parallel plane, or universe right now, or something like that.”
“Stop right there,” Bill said as he held up his hand, his palm facing me. “No more o’ this space-time continuum shit.” He began shaking his head. “I can’t deal with any more o’ that dorky crap.” Then he arched a brow at me and seemed irritated. “We’ll be back home soon enough. Then you can go find yer own kind in the Nerdist Colony.”
I didn’t bother to respond because a text message suddenly popped up on my screen. It was from Alaire and it read:
Dear Ms. Harper,
I am pleased that you decided to accept my generosity. (I figured he was referring to the phone, or his gifts from Saxon). I trust you will prefer this phone for your travels to the Underground City; I fear your current, duct-taped atrocity will not survive another journey.
I shrugged, thinking he probably had a point there.
Inside the canvas bag, please find a key, a glass vial, a whistle, and a box of chocolates. The key will allow you unencumbered entrance to the gates of the Underground City. I recall that during your last visit, you did not possess one.
So Alaire remembered that. It was true that I hadn’t had a key, but luckily for me, I hadn’t needed one then. The gates had simply opened automatically. Now, however, looking back on it, I suspected Alaire must have been alerted to my presence and opened the gates before sending a driverless car, which took me directly to him.
Inside the glass vial is an elixir. It will protect you as you step through the gates; otherwise, as you well know, the toxins of the Underground City will most decidedly kill you. This vial is enchanted, and will therefore refill itself as quickly as you drink it, which is fortunate for you.
Yeah, right. Fortune had nothing to do with me having to return to the Underground City.
The whistle is quite important, Alaire continued. It is quite unfortunate, but I have found the need to further defend the Underground City from interlopers. Toward that end, I have begun the exportation of creatures into the Dark Wood, if only to preserve the integrity of my dear city.
So that purple, “dickless” creature, as Bill so affectionately termed it, was completely Alaire’s doing. Anger started to simmer inside me as I read between the lines. He was breeding creatures and relocating them in the Dark Wood by way of the rivers. That could only make our job, as Soul Retrievers, even more difficult than it already was. Who knew how many unknowing retrievers would now never even make it to the gates of the Underground City?
Of course, the biggest question still remained: why was Alaire doing this? I didn’t buy his whole “preserving the integrity of his city” bit. Possibly because I wasn’t even sure what that meant. So, not having an immediate answer, I read further.
If you happen to encounter any of my newest minions, all you need to do is blow the whistle. The beasts are designed to abort any mission once the whistle is sounded.
Hmm, well, that little tidbit would have been handy about six hours ago …
As you are, no doubt, well aware, Ms. Harper, your safety is my utmost priority.
Ahem, right. Of course it is, Alaire.
That brings me to my final gift: a box of chocolate truffles. These goodies are directly imported from Switzerland and are well-renowned the world over as the finest in chocolate confections. I only ask you to enjoy them. Please feel free to text, message, or phone me at your convenience.
I remain humbly yours,
Alaire.
“Un-fucking-believable,” I grumbled as I shook my head and glanced up at Bill.
“Wow, nips, you actually said the eff word,” Bill replied with an expression of awe on his face. “Finally startin’ to shed your schoolmarm roots. Pretty soon, ya might turn out to be a normal person like the rest of us. I’m downright proud o’ you.”
“Alaire is the one to blame for that abomination near the river that tried to kill us,” I announced, my lips tightly pressed as a thought suddenly occurred to me. Glancing down at the phone again, I clicked on the reply button and typed:
Why are you breeding monsters and sending them to the Dark Wood to kill retrievers?
“You gotta be shittin’ me,” Bill replied, shaking his head, but giving me his full attention.
“No, I’m not,” I said. “Alaire claims he needed to employ more defensive measures in the Dark Wood just to keep people out o
f the Underground City.”
“That don’t even sound legal,” Bill interjected. “I wonder if Jason Skeletorhorn even knows about it.”
“Not that it would matter if he doesn’t,” I answered, feeling sick to my stomach. “Alaire has crept so far up Jason’s ass that he can do no wrong anymore.”
“Wow, nips, listen to you! Talkin’ like a true sailor,” Bill said with another adoring smile. “You’ve come so far!”
The phone buzzed in my hands so I looked down and saw a new message from Alaire.
Ms. Harper, so nice to hear from you.
Cut the crap, Alaire! I typed back. Tell me why you’re sending demons into the Dark Wood. And, btw, one of your “newest employees” nearly killed us.
Ah, how unfortunate. I daresay, perhaps you should have used the whistle.
I didn’t know what the whistle was used for at the time! I texted my reply, containing the anger that I felt all the way down to my toes. I only just now turned on this phone.
Ah, I see, Alaire texted back. After a three-second delay ensued, he continued, I believe Machiavelli observed that “tardiness often robs us opportunity, and the dispatch of our forces.”
Thanks for that morsel of riveting trivia, I replied sarcastically and decided to include an emoji showing a face with straight lips to convey my utter lack of interest.
Alaire responded with his own emoji: a widely grinning face. That was followed by: Shall I trust that you are still relegated to the custody of the angel and the bladesmith?
Not that it’s any of your business, but the answer is yes, I responded. Now answer my question! Why are you breeding awful creatures and sending them into the Dark Wood?
Very well, Ms. Harper, anything to please you …
Right.
In the ever growing need to further defend my city from unwanted and/or unexpected visitors, he began to explain, I have designed a new species of creatures dedicated solely to ensure and sustain the protection and continued defense of my city. How very astute of you to figure out that I was breeding them, by the way.
