by HP Mallory
“Go on,” I encouraged him, eager to hear the rest of his story.
“Once Alaire became the oonquestioned ruler o’ the Oonderground, he barred the way intae the city o’ Dis. He hid it from all those who sought tae enter it; save for the souls o’ the damned who remained trapped within the city fer all time. Alaire transformed the lands directly in front o’ the City intae whit ye saw, ah seemingly endless an’ barren desert.”
“Why?” I asked.
“He wanted tae kill anyone who dared tae attempt tae enter the city sae he bewitched the verra ground tae swallow ‘em whole…an’, fer ah while, that’s exactly whit happened. Boot Alaire wasnae satisfied even then.”
Tallis paused again. I could see the story was weighing on him somehow. “Are you alright?” I asked, my voice soft and concerned.
“Och aye!” he admitted too quickly and then nodded with too much gusto. “Alaire decided that these “lost souls” that were stoock in the earth could serve him ah mooch greater purpose. An’ sae he made it sae that those who sought tae enter the City o’ Dis would succumb tae madness an’ despair. Sooch deep despair that even after their souls left their bodies, their souls would forever become part o’ the landscape in which they perished. The madness would stay with them, even in death. Alaire made it sae that the mission o’ these lost souls was tae haunt an’ tempt fellow travelers tae the same twisted fate.”
“Then the Kremelions are really visitors to the City of Dis, or were, once upon a time?” I asked to make sure I was following him.
Tallis nodded. “Aye. The Kremelions are the tortured souls o’ all those who have tried an’ failed tae enter the City o’ Dis. Forever victim tae their own madness an’ despair, their only foonction is tae bar the way o’ others intae the city. They serve as ah deadly warnin’ tae all those who would try tae enter.” Tallis glanced back at me. “Among the ranks o’ the Kremelions are many o’ your fellow Soul Retrievers.”
“And I would have been among them too, if it hadn’t been for you,” I added.
Tallis didn’t say anything but it was just as well because my mind was racing with everything he’d just told me. I wasn’t sure why but Alaire had never really struck me as that dangerous. Yes, of course, as Master of the Underground, he was dangerous enough but after this information, I considered him in a new light.
“So, the Kremelions won’t be a problem for us again anytime soon?” I managed.
“As Ah said, their domain lies only in the land in front o’ the City. An’ we’re enterin’ froom the rear,” Tallis finished with a sigh.
“Of course we are! I mean, this is you we’re talking about, someone who only travels via the back roads,” I answered with a broad smile as I tried to add some levity to the weighty conversation. Tallis just frowned down at me, raising his left eyebrow, but I didn’t miss his smirk, which pulled the ends of his lips up.
I followed him and we took a sharp right and started descending the hill. It wasn’t exactly steep, but with the loose rocks and gravel, it became a struggle to keep my balance. Once we reached the flat plane of land below, I was further confused.
“Um, it doesn’t look like there’s anything here,” I said as I turned to my left and then to my right. Then I did a three-sixty, but I still didn’t see anything that even hinted at what one might call a city. It looked like we were in the middle of nowhere. Not a tree, nor a building, nor a sidewalk, nor a lurking monster existed anywhere.
“Um, brain check on aisle nine,” Bill started as he caught up with us and stomped over to Tallis. “In case ya didn’t notice, dude, we’re smack dab in the middle of BFE. It’s like the exact, total opposite of a city!”
Tallis spared each of us a lengthy look, but didn’t respond. Instead, he walked forward ten or more steps and fished out what looked like a compass from his sporran. He held the compass straight out in front of him, moving it slightly to the right and then bringing it back to center again. Then he turned around to face us.
“Whit Ah am aboot tae do will require mah complete attention,” he said.
“What might that be?” Bill barked as he shook his head and wrapped his arms across his chest. “Ya gonna make a city appear out o’ nothin’?” Then he started emphatically nodding. “Yeah, that’s gonna require not only your complete attention, but also like, the attention of a couple more fools like Houdini, David Blaine, an’ that weird dude who wears way too much eye makeup!”
“Criss Angel?” I supplied.
Bill just shrugged in response, but kept his attention fixed on Tallis.
“Och aye, Ah need mah concentration,” Tallis continued as if Bill never interrupted him. “Ye both will need tae busy yerselves fer ah wee bit.”
I nodded and offered him a quick smile of understanding. Bill and I watched him walk another ten paces or so ahead of us before he removed his sword from the scabbard across his chest and dropped down to his knees. He laid the sword out next to him so it was parallel with his body, and placed his palms flat against the ground. He looked like he was about to do a pushup … girl-style.
“Dude’s gonna puke,” Bill announced as he observed Tallis and feigned gagging.
“Yeah, he kind of does look that way,” I answered with a frown. Watching Tallis, I wondered exactly what he was doing that required so much undivided concentration. Of course, I didn’t bother asking since Tallis was the sort of person who didn’t explain things, he just did them.
“Conan’s lost his frickin’ mind if he thinks he’s gonna make the City o’ Dis miraculously appear like, outta nowhere,” Bill announced definitively, settling his gaze back on me.
“I think Tallis knows what he’s doing, Bill,” I answered with a shrug and a half-smile. “I don’t ever doubt him.”
“Yeah? Well, maybe ya should sometimes,” he replied with a frown. He took a few steps away from me and unzipped his pants, turning his back to me as he did so. Thank God. “I gotta take a piss, sis. Hold on a sec.”
“Gross,” I muttered as I glanced back at Tallis. He was still in the same bizarre, pre-vomiting position. I could faintly make out the sounds of him speaking, but failed to understand the words. Usually, that meant he was speaking in Gaelic.
“Okay,” Bill announced as he zipped up his pants. Shaking his left leg as he walked back toward me, he kept adjusting himself the entire time. “Back to the subject o’ you an’ Igor.”
“I don’t really want to discuss Tallis right now,” I said as I cocked a brow at him. “Or Igor, for that matter.”
“Well, that’s too bad for you, ’cause I do,” he replied, lifting his nose in the air. His expression beamed with determination. “You do realize you’re sufferin’ from a condition called monopenis, right?”
“I don’t suffer from any conditions, Bill,” I rebuffed, despite having no idea what he was talking about. Not that it really mattered, because I was more than convinced that Bill made up most of the stuff that came out of his mouth.
“How could you know?” he railed in response. “You don’t even know what having a case of monopenis is!”
“You’ve got a good point there.”
“I always gotta good point, nerdlet,” he announced with a quick nod. “Soze now, I’m gonna help you out by tellin’ ya what condition yer condition is in.” Then he seemed to swell with arrogance, like he was proud of himself.
“I don’t get it.”
“You never saw The Big Lebowski?” he asked and I shook my head. “Damn, girl! Sometimes, I don’t even know how we got to be friends.”
“And your diagnosis is …” I answered, piercing him with an expression that said to hurry up and get to the point.
He took a deep breath. “Monopenis is the unfortunate condition of only wantin’ one penis.” Then he glanced over at Tallis, who still hadn’t budged, and was balanced on his hands and knees. “The Yeti’s.”
“That’s so ridiculous, Bill,” I replied as I crossed my arms over my chest to let him know I wasn’t impressed or am
used by his conclusion that I had monopenis.
“Is it?” Bill asked as he inspected me closely. “Is that really so ridiculous, nips?” Then he started walking around me and acting like a lawyer interrogating a witness. “Do you realize that you haven’t stopped starin’ at him this entire time?”
“Yeah, because I’m trying to figure out what the hell he’s doing!” I snapped while tossing my hands up in the air in visible frustration. “And, more importantly, I’m anxious to know how the hell we’re going to get to the City of Dis so we can get on with our mission!”
“Yeah, yeah! Keep denyin’ an’ lyin’,” Bill continued as he annoyed me for the third time. “Not that it matters! The truth is out there, whether you choose to ignore it, or not!”
“Thanks for the riveting lesson, Bill,” I said with a quick smile, “but I think I already learned that little gem from Mr. Rogers when I was like, five.”
“I already learned that little gem from Mr. Rogers when I was like, five,” Bill mimicked me in a high-pitched, utterly bizarre voice. “You know, havin’ monopenis ain’t really such a big deal,” he continued as I sighed and shook my head, figuring I’d better get used to these absurd conversations because Bill wasn’t exactly good at backing down. “It’s a lot better than what I got.”
“Oh, and what condition would that be?” I answered, even though it took all my patience to do so.
“Attention dating deficit disorder,” Bill responded with a sigh. “I’m on so many datin’ websites, I can’t focus on just one person, an’ I’m impulsive. If I ain’t constantly swipin’, I feel like I’m missin’ out on somethin’ better than the one I just swiped.”
“I don’t know why I bother to ask,” I replied as I shook my head.
“It’s gettin’ bad, nips,” he said with a heartfelt sigh. “I’m thinkin’ this ADDD might be interferin’ with my ability to ever sustain any kinda relationship.” He started to shake his head in what I perceived to be despondency. “It’s why I eat so much. I’ve turned to food to comfort me from my attention dating deficit disorder.” He sighed again, and this one was a bit more drawn out than the last. “Yep, I’m fat, single, and ready for a Pringle.”
“Are you seriously telling me this, Bill?” I asked while scrutinizing him with disbelief. “Because that’s the most outrageously stupid thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Judge not, lest ye be judged,” he quoted pedantically while frowning and crossing his arms over his chest.
I didn’t respond but turned my attention back to Tallis, who was still in the same position as before. Eventually, he lifted his hands off the ground and began to stand up very slowly. His hands fell to his sides, and moments later, they curled up into fists. He lifted them into the air alongside his face.
“I think I got an eyebrow pube,” Bill announced out of the blue. I glanced at him quickly, only to find him tugging at his left eyebrow. “Can you check?”
“No,” I barked abruptly.
My attention was instantly snatched away by Tallis when I heard him yelling something, which I couldn’t understand. He stretched his arms out on either side and kept his face trained toward the sky. All of a sudden, a burst of electricity coursed through him, and his body shook and rocked with the effort. A bright, white light flowed from his head to his toes, seeming to emanate from him. His body continued to shake for another few seconds and the light appeared to grow brighter. Moments later, it began to dim, until there was nothing left but the night’s darkness. I watched Tallis drop down to his knees again, his chest expanding and contracting as he panted audibly.
I started toward him, but he immediately turned to face me and held up his hand, signaling that I should stay where I was. I stopped walking and Bill caught up with me.
“Dude, what the hell was that?” Bill asked, sounding amazed, if not thoroughly impressed. “I think the Yeti just had a close encounter of the third kind. A spiritual one.”
“I don’t know,” I answered, my heart pounding with worry as I wondered if Tallis was okay. It looked like he’d just been hit by lightning.
Tallis started pushing himself back up onto his feet. He wavered a few times before he stood up straight and reached down to retrieve his sword. After a few seconds, he turned around to face us and waved us toward him. I wasted no time in running the distance that separated us. I grabbed his powerful arms and forced him to look at me.
“What happened?” I demanded. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“Nae, lass, quit yer fussin’,” Tallis said as he tried to step away from me. He was obviously uncomfortable at my unbridled concern, but I couldn’t really say I cared. Watching him getting electrocuted, for lack of a better word, worried me to the max, and then some.
“What was that?” I insisted. “It looked like you were struck by lightning, or electrocuted, or something.” I took a breath. “What was up with that bright light?”
“Druid magic, Besom,” Tallis replied with a smile.
“Are you hurt?” I persisted. “Maybe you need to sit down for a few minutes and catch your breath? Do you feel dizzy at all, or sick?”
“Nae,” he said, shaking his head as he stared down at me. Moments later, he put his hands on my shoulders. “Ah’m fine, lass, stop yer carryin’ oan.” Then he turned around and started forward again.
“Fine,” I grumbled, standing up straight and trying not to feel offended. This was just how Tallis was. No use in getting perturbed over it.
“So, um, just where the hell are we goin’?” Bill called out from behind us. “I dunno about you guys, but I can’t see a goddamned city nowhere, nohow!”
“Coome,” Tallis responded while nodding curtly toward Bill. He looked over his shoulder at me, and offered his hand.
I didn’t say anything as I took it, trusting him to lead me wherever we were going. As far as I could tell, though, Bill was right. It didn’t look like Tallis’s Druid magic had done anything. Other than charging Tallis up with some electrons for a few seconds, as far as the City of Dis was involved, it remained just as invisible as it was a few minutes ago. But just as I’d admitted to Bill earlier, I still trusted Tallis and figured that was exactly what I should continue doing.
“Ye will feel coldness fer ah few seconds, lass, but it shall pass,” Tallis announced. Before I could ask him what the hell he was talking about, I walked right into what felt like a wind tunnel. The force of the wind pressure against me was so intense that I had to close my eyes tightly. As soon as my lashes tickled the tops of my cheeks, I felt encapsulated in ice.
“Breathe, lass,” Tallis said as my eyes popped open. I found myself facing a wide, tall, iron wall. I craned my neck back as far as it would go, but it seemed the wall just climbed even higher into the dark night sky.
“Wow, maybe there was somethin’ to Conan’s mumbo-jumbo shit, after all,” Bill said, sounding surprised and in awe.
“This is the City of Dis?” I asked, returning my attention to Tallis.
“Aye, beyond the wall,” he answered. Taking a deep breath, he held his sword above his head. Narrowing his eyes on mine, I noticed how piercing they seemed in their midnight blue. “Once we enter the walls, be prepared.”
I nodded and pulled my sword from its scabbard before grasping it tightly. My hands were already clammy.
“Let’s do this!” Bill yelled out.
“There I was not alone...”
- Dante’s Inferno
TWENTY
“Dude! ’Sup with these crazy high walls?” Bill asked. Tallis dropped his sword to his side and approached the imposing iron bulwark without bothering to answer Bill’s question.
He finally replied over his shoulder. “Tae keep the Jooggernaut in.”
“The whugger-not?” Bill asked, his eyes going wide as he looked at me in amazement. I just shrugged because I had no clue what Tallis was talking about. As usual.
Tallis continued to walk the perimeter of the incredibly high barricade, staying approximately five
or so inches from it. When he stopped walking, he rotated his body until he was facing the wall squarely. Holding his left hand up, with his palm facing the grey iron, he took a single step forward. Before touching the wall, he glanced back at us over his shoulder.
“The Jooggernaut,” he repeated with no further explanation.
“The Juggernaut?” I echoed, disliking the very sound of the word on my tongue. “What is that?”
“Or who?” Bill interjected.
“Ye dinnae want tae find oot,” Tallis answered as his eyes darted from Bill to me, where they settled. “’Tis ah creature o’ great mass an’ soobstantial height.” He stopped and took a deep breath, frowning. Naturally, I had to wonder if he had personal experience with this Juggernaut. “’Tis ah creature that cannae think, sooch as ye an’ Ah think. ’Tis overcome with hatred, an’ as sooch, it only seeks tae destroy whitiver crosses its path. It cannae speak the language o’ mercy.”
“Sounds like you, Tido, when you’re havin’ a bad day,” Bill chirped. He faced Tallis with a self-satisfied smile and glanced at me with a quick nod. Obviously, he thought his joke was a very funny one.
Tallis laughed, but the sound was devoid of humor. “Ye should wish the Jooggernaut was meh oan mah baddest day,” he said sadly, shaking his head. Then his eyes fell on me. “Besom, if ye see this creature, ye dinnae confront him. Ye roon. Dae ye oonderstand?”
“How will I know what it is if I don’t know what it looks like?” I asked.
“Ye will know,” Tallis replied cryptically. “Ye will know.”
I nodded, swallowing hard and praying not to encounter whatever this Juggernaut thing might turn out to be. Knowing Tallis was afraid of it made me feel rather confident that I should be terrified. “Is the Juggernaut confined to a single level of the City of Dis?” I inquired, my voice sounding somewhat hopeful. “Or does it roam around, you know, freely?”
