by HP Mallory
“C’mon, Polly,” I said, puttin’ in my two cents. “You can say ‘fuck-up’ if you want. I sure won’t feel offended.”
“Be that as it may, Bill,” Polly retorted with an edge as sharp as Conan’s sword. “I’m uncertain if you really want to hear everything I intend to tell you.”
“Well, I’ll see your ‘uncertain’ and raise you with a ‘you’re gonna want to hear this!’ And I swear to God, I’m really in trouble this time.” I wasn’t joshin’ either but Sally laughed all the same.
“Of course you are, Billy! You wouldn’t be you otherwise! How can we help?”
“You mean besides getting him that unauthorized phone last month?” Polly snapped at her. “Behind my back, no less!”
“You knew about that?” Sally asked her, soundin’ very confused.
“Senior… VP… of Requisitions,” Polly shot back, almost like a death threat. “Not a single piece of equipment goes anywhere in Afterlife Enterprises that I am unaware of or can’t track down.”
“Anyway, Billy is on the up and up now,” Sally started. “Do you know what he’s been doing for Lily?”
Polly started really yelling at her. “Besides getting her killed?!”
“Listen, if I can’t get some help soon, like, yesterday afternoon,” I inter-rejected, “Lils is gonna be in even worse shape than how I left her the last time we talked.”
Some of the bubbly in Sally’s voice vanished when I said that. “It’s bad this time, isn’t it, Billy?”
“Leagues worse than anythin’ else I ever got mixed up in, yo, and that’s sayin’ something.”
I heard a steady tap-drippin’ noise next to the phone that sounded like tappin’ o’ fingernails. Figured it musta been Polly; she only did that when she was tryin’ to wrap her computer brain around some kinda misunderestimated situation. Eventually, she sighed and said, “Okay, Bill… make your case.”
So I did a quick recapsulation of everything that happened to me, Lils and Tido since we first set out on this road trip. It took me a while ta remember everything and I had ta backtrack a bit to clear up a detail or two for the girls. But I finally got through my story and the only thing I heard on their end o’ the line was a steady hum and Polly tapping away.
The tapping finally stopped and Polly cleared her throat. “If even half of this turns out to be true, we’ve got a major malfunction of management in progress.”
“Knew you’d see reason, Polly,” I told her quiet-like.
“I said if,” Polly repeated.
“Really, Polly?” Sally asked, sounding just as disgusted as I felt… and not because I was sittin’ on a bed of garbage as a couch cushion.
“Don’t you start up too,” Polly said, and I could almost see the finger she most definitely was pointin’ at Sally. “We both know Bill too well! He’s fed us lines like this before and—”
“Like this?!” I objaculated. “Sure, I’ve told youse some whoppers in my time but never anything like this! No way in hell I’d ever be able ta make all o’ this up neither!”
“What he said!” Sally added, backing me up.
“And you wonder why I have such a hard time trusting you when it comes to Bill,” Polly said.
I started rubbin’ my forehead. The crap I was smellin’ was a sad reminder of where I was. “Look, I know you got the tech to track my cell location. Just trace this call and you’ll see I wasn’t pullin’ your leg about my current locationary position.”
“Uh-uh,” Polly snarled. “You’ve got some kind of signal hopper that—”
“Sweet Hera, Polly!” Sally barked out with a laugh that did not sound too joyful. “Did somebody forget how many days it took me to teach Billy Instagram? You really think he’s smart enough to even know what a signal hopper is?”
“I swears I’m not!” I added.
Polly sighed again but growled out, “I really hate it when you bring up the facts.”
That precedenated another round of tappin’ on the keyboard but not like before. If I ever found myself in a room full of monkeys and typewriters, I’d have no problem findin’ Polly just by the way she furiously attacked her keyboard.
Once the rain of fingers finally ceased, she said, “Well, look at that… you actually are in Dis.”
“Not exactly my favorite spot ta hangout either,” I reminded her.
“Hold on… that can’t be right.”
“Yeah, an ex-guardian angel bein’ down here is the very defenestration of—”
“No, not that part, Bill. I’m talking about the cell tower network you’re using. It’s completely unregistered… which, FYI, should be impossible.”
“You said something about knowing where every piece of equipment from AE goes, sis?” Sally teased.
“Oh, shut up and do something useful,” Polly snapped. I heard some keys bein’ tapped, and I doubted the fingers tapping them belonged ta her.
“Well, how’s this for making myself useful?” Sally asked a few seconds later. “I just discovered a data trail of shipments destined for Dis that kept changing contents with each stop.”
“Such as…?” Polly asked, soundin’ more interested.
“Fifty crates of hellfire brick becoming fifty crates of decorative ceramics turning into fifty crates of spitfire seeds… and that’s just one shipment that went to Dis.”
“How many more got down here?” I asked as my curiosity became more aroused.
“I’ve got at least fifteen more I just picked up,” Sally answered. “But that’s not all of it. I’m also seeing a lot of shipments like those going to other parts of the Underground City and using the same name change scam.”
“Fuck!” I said. Really, there wasn’t much else I could say. Sure, Alaire was always up ta something. But this stuff seemed to sugguessin’ that it was a lot bigger than even Tido coulda thought possible.
“It seems I owe you an apology, Bill,” Polly said with some reluct-can’ts. “While I can barely tolerate an inefficient and fairly stupid bureaucracy, I refuse to let such blatant corruption like this stand.”
That made me smile. “Why do you think youse girls were my first call?”
“Because there were no better options to handle this by yourself?”
That made Sally laugh even harder than before. “She’s got your number, Billy.”
“Yeah, yeah, yuck it up,” I replied. “What about that car I saw Tido gettin’ into at the castle? Know where it is now?”
Sally laughed again, but not as hard. “You know, Billy, one of these days, you’re actually going to ask me to do something I find difficult.”
“Well, I just did,” I teased her while she tapped on some more keys. “But you keep puttin’ an unhealthy distance between mini Bill and your beautificent legs.”
Polly grunted while her sister chuckled. “Just how did you wind up becoming a guardian angel again?”
“Think I got it,” Sally suddenly said. “A Maserati Gran Turismo was dispatched to the castle gates yesterday. But the GPS data gets fuzzy after that—”
“Another thing that should have been impossible, by the way,” Polly intersnected. Meanwhile, outside, I could hear something big and growly comin’ from the street.
“But to the original question, yes, I do know where it is now,” Sally finished. “It’s in a repair shop about three blocks from where you currently are.”
“Goin’ which way?” I asked and the growler started gettin’ a lot closer than I liked.
“Just exit the alley and hang a right,” Sally explained. “You’ll be there in no time.”
There was so much more that I wanted to ask ‘em. But that thing I kept hearin’ outside told me that I better wrap this up. “You know, I can’t thank you girls enoughly.”
“Skip it,” Polly snapped. “This is a serious matter you’ve brought to our attention, and that is the only reason we’re still talking.”
“Really?” Sally piped up. “I thought it was because I got the phone away from you befo
re you could hang up.”
The thing that was threatenin’ me got close enough to ravage the dumpster.
While that was happenin’, Polly said, “We need to bring Streethorn up to speed on this.”
Sally laughed at her. “Why? All he’ll say is…” Then she lapsed into a pretty good imposteranation of Skeltorhorn saying, “I’m certain that there’s a perfectly logical explanation for this misunderstanding.”
Polly sighed again. “I’m not saying you’re wrong but the data suggests—”
“Why, Ms. Polly,” Sally said, still keepin’ the Skeletorhorn gag goin’. “I’m surprised that you would ever be so sloppy as to base your theory on data which is so incomplete.”
“Dammit, we have to tell somebody in charge!” Polly protestosterated. Leave it to Sally to make her mad enough ta finally cuss.
“Eventually, sure,” Sally admitted. “But right now, let’s just keep this one to ourselves while we build a case.”
“Apollo, give me strength… How many times have I told you that we are bureaucrats, not cops?!”
“About as many times as I’ve said I’d rather be a cop than a bureaucrat. It’s sooooo boring being an office drone.”
Right then that thing outside started scratchin’ on my dumpster. “Listen, girls, this has been a lotta fun but I gots ta go now.”
“More trouble, I presume?” Polly asked with a schoolmarm snark.
“If Alaire knows I’m here, you bet,” I replied.
Sally cooed into the phone. “Try not to mess up too much and actually get yourself killed, Billy. AE is a much duller place without you. Bye!”
I think Polly was lecterning her on manners when the call ended. That was when the whole dumpster tipped over and I damn near cracked my spine as I flipped upside-down.
As soon as the lid flew open, I found myself in a good news/bad news quandairy. Good news: Alaire’s boys were not on the other side. Bad news: after seeing what was there, I wished they were. Alls I saw was a lot of sharp teeth on a dude roughly the size of Tido and his mouth was the size of a manhole cover.
“Oh, hell no!” I shouted usin’ the walls o’ the dumpster as my launchin’ pad. I had ta get outta Dodge and super-fast. On my attempt to get the f out, the garbage truck the dumpster was attached to started up and shot forward. I hit my head on one of the dumpster walls and stars flashed in front o’ my eyes. I barely knew what was goin’ on when the garbage truck lifted the dumpster and then dropped it back down, directly on top o’ the demon that nearly scared the life out o’ me! Talk about good frickin’ luck, yo! After squashin’ the demon, the truck backed out o’ the alley. Next thing I knew, we was disappearin’ down the street. I got a quick look at the alley before we took off… we was goin’ in the same direction that Sally said the repair shop was locatuated.
“… long as life endures, my tongue should speak…”
- Dante’s Inferno
TWENTY-FOUR
Lily
I paced Persephone’s room from one end to the other. It was all I could do ever since I sent Bill away on the Fury Express. Alaire departed right after dispatching Tallis somewhere… Most likely, it wasn’t the Dark Wood. I certainly realized my mistake in trusting Alaire but I didn’t think I had any other choice at the time. Tallis had to be released from this awful place if he had a snowball’s chance in hell of living. At least, he was fully healed now—I hoped he was, anyway—so at the very least, I’d given my Bladesmith a fighting chance wherever he wound up.
My stomach dropped all the way to my shoes every time I imagined the kind of place Tallis could be in right now. I tried not to think about it too much, since my worrying couldn’t help him anyway. There was no point in worrying about the forces I couldn’t control. And, besides, Tallis was an enduring survivor. With or without Donnchadh, he was born a fighter. And he still possessed his Druid magic. So he would be fine… right?
I sorta followed that same line of thought with Bill. Sure, I commanded the Fury to get him the hell out of here. But who knew if the place she took him was any safer than here? Still, Bill did have one advantage over Tallis: he was immortal. And unlike me and the singular Master of the Underground City, Bill’s immortality didn’t depend on a warrior spirit apprehending his soul. Now all I had to worry about was Bill’s well-documented history of screwing everything up.
I finally stopped pacing and stood in the middle of the room. In order to think more clearly, I first had to admit something to myself. As much as I feared for my love and my guardian angel, I was arguably in worse shape than either one of them. After all, I was the only one of our trio who was still trapped in Alaire’s clutches. And I had no idea how to escape my fate.
I walked over to the window and tapped my fingernails on the sill. The view outside was the usual dark, depressing desolation but I preferred it to the brothel Persephone referred to as “her chambers.” Before I lost myself in the darkness outside, I started reviewing my current advantages.
Primarily, I now could rely on the loyalty of the Furies, which was something I desperately hoped remained unknown to Alaire. Their loyalty was proven when the Furies brought me Bill’s phone. I assumed the Fury must have picked up my scent on the cell phone and guessed that I wanted it back.
I shook my head. Okay, Lily, focus on what you’re going to do now! First, you need to stop thinking about Bill, Tallis or anyone else who is not in your immediate vicinity.
The spike of anger that suddenly surged from Donnchadh seemed to emphasize that line of thought, although I could only wonder if it were an endorsement. Still, the warrior spirit made his presence known, which prompted something else in my memory, something that might really avail me and let me tip the scales of war in my favor: my sword!
There was no question in my mind that Alaire must have hidden it away somewhere close. The foppish master of this castle and the Underground City was terribly vain and what better way to show off his accomplishments than with trophies from all of his former conquests? That did leave one small problem: I had no clue where to begin looking for this alleged collection. Not to mention how I was being scrutinized like a hawk by every servant in Alaire’s staff. The second I stepped outside this room, I could expect an entourage to surround me.
As much as I loathed my current location, I could only stare at the black, depressing hellscape outside my window for so long. I turned away and walked across the room, catching a glimpse of my reflection in the vanity mirror. I was getting beyond tired of Persephone’s wardrobe.
I had to dig pretty deep inside the armoire to find a garment that didn’t seem to belong to a Penthouse spread. I finally came up with a simple green tunic that covered my chest modestly—never mind how my nipples pebbled through the fabric while exposing my legs all the way up to my thighs.
Looking at the lovely body in that tunic caused me to remember the dream I had when Alaire healed me. Seeing myself inside my old body not only shocked me but I didn’t like it at all. In a blink, I went from feeling upset to being ashamed. Was there any actual good this beautiful body had done for me since I’d acquired it? Sure, I was taller and prettier than ever but neither of those could help me do the job I’d volunteered for. It was like buying a luxury car just to haul trees with.
Other glum thoughts started creeping into my brain. If I’d stayed with the first body I had in my life, would Alaire have been so hot to possess me? Would Tallis ever have noticed me? Would he have fallen in love with me? The crush of despair at that last thought overcame me. As painful as our relationship was, the thought of living in a world where Tallis didn’t love me was just unthinkable… no, it was unbearable.
Now that I thought about it, maybe it was because I did look so good that Tallis hadn’t taken me seriously at first. Wasn’t that the same problem I’d suffered in my life previously? No one ever saw Lily Harper as the superheroine she actually was. I was so much more than just my outward shell suggested. Really, the only people who ever saw me for myself were Bill
and my blade. But because Tallis had forged my blade didn’t it follow that he would have recognized me for the warrior I truly was?
I started pacing again but this time my steps were much lighter as I thought about my sword. Maybe the mind of the sword was actually my own mind. What if my sword were a fully-fledged extension of my own soul and a source that I could access? I recalled when it popped up in the Fergus Castle setting of my dreamscape. Everything seemed to suggest it could act as a guide to me. As a matter of fact, it sounded like the perfect place to—
A polite set of three raps on the door totally derailed my train of thought. I caught my breath and snapped at whoever knocked, “What?!”
When the door swung open, there was no one on the other side. But I knew better than to trust my lying eyes. The sound of footsteps approaching told me it was one of Alaire’s invisible servants. I must admit, after weeks of Alaire popping in and out of my room whenever he felt horny or wanted to play games, it was nice to encounter somebody with better manners.
“The Master will be returning this evening,” the servant whispered. His voice was so faint, I could barely make out the words.
“And?” I asked, assuming there must have been more to this visit than just a status report.
“And he has requested your presence at dinner,” the servant continued.
Okay, that was new. Before, Alaire just expected me to show up at the dinner table, whether I wanted to be there or not. Now he was making it sound like I had a choice? Hmm, that was interesting.
“Thank you,” I said, more for the good manners of knocking than for the actual invitation. “Tell him I accept and I’ll join him then.”
“Very good.”
His mission accomplished, the footsteps walked out of my room. The door shut itself behind them.
My mind went back to my sword as I began to polish the rough contours of a plan that was slowly taking shape in my head. I had to see if I could locate my sword through the dream version of Fergus Castle. That was step one. Step two would be to devise an excuse to go after it, wherever it was.
