by HP Mallory
“Ah jist called ye a testicle!” he said and then slapped his hairy thigh like he thought he was Dave Chapelle as R. Kelly singin’ I wanna piss on you.
Finally Tido cleared his throat. “Ah’m assumin’ these fair ladies hae proper names?”
I wouldn’t look at him and just pretended like I was super interested in my shirt. And this time when the fart came up, I didn’t do nothing to restrain it. I even turned around so Tido was in the direct line of destructination.
“Angel,” he repeated.
“What?” I asked without botherin’ to turn ‘round.
“Who were ye callin’?”
I turned around finally and glared at him. “Not that it’s any o’ your business, but the gals I was callin,’ they’re two of the Muse sisters, Polyhymnia or Polly and Thalia who goes by Sally.”
“The muses?”
“They’re VPs of Requisitions but—”
“Requisitions coverin’ everthing what comes down tae the OOnderground City?”
I kicked his shin and he made a face like it hurt. The pansy. “Yo, did I interrupt you when you was talkin’?! Goddamn, you’d think you’d have picked up some manners by now, even if you is just a cave man!”
“Go oan.”
“Polly an’ Sally are like my eyes an’ ears in AE.”
“Eyes an’ ears?” he repeated and looked like he didn’t believe a word ol’ Bill was saying. That got me pretty smokin’ annoyed.
“Yeah, they’ve told me some pretty tit-tit-illating dope.”
“Like?”
“Like they said somethin’ about a lot o’ shipmentals headin’ this way that keep changin’ the cargo contents on the paperwork. And Polly bein’ such a tight ass, one period out o’ place sends her into a hystericidal rage.”
The big man’s eyes started burnin’ with a new kind of fury. “Alaire…”
“Skeletorhorn too,” I added while I nodded my head real important like. “Neither o’ my girls wanted ta come out an’ say it, but I gots a bad feelin’ that Skeleterhorn is Blondie’s inside man.”
Tido stood up and started pacing around, makin’ the elevator wobble somethin’ real bad that made my stomach upset. “It takes more than jist one man in the right spot tae pull off somethin’ that big,” he said. “If that ‘tis sae, we’re lookin’ at ah whole nest o’ traitors in the mix.”
I stowed my phone in my pocket. “Well, since that call ain’t gittin’ through anyway, you can go back ta yer nap now.”
He shook his big, dumb head. “Nae. Ah couldnae sleep anyway with all ye’ve told me in me head.”
“Speaking o’ which, what was runnin’ through yer head when we was tryin’ ta slip-slide past them uglies at the Asylum?”
It was hard to see under the excesspit of fur but it looked like he was opening his mouth to answer. Before a single sound could come out—grunting included—the elevator came to a halt. Tido yanked out his sword, pointing the tip at the double doors. When they slid open, though, it was nothing but us an’ the elevator and the clouds outside.
The light poking its way through them clouds puzzlated me. “Yo, this thing take us farther up than we wanted ta go?”
Tido gave me a shake of his head. “Nae. Welcome tae the outskirts o’ the morgue.”
Good news was that the light through them clouds was a step up from all that frozone fog. Bad news was that what it showed us didn’t exactly make me slap-happy. The ground outside the box was just as rocky as the cliff and as flat as Conan’s version of home cooking. Conan squatted down on the ground so he could wipe away some of the dust. A couple seconds later, he found a cobblestone path under all the grime.
“There we are, me beauty.”
I took a better look at the path. It wasn’t nothin’ special. “I’m guessin’ there’s somethin’ I don’t know ‘bout this road?”
He stood back up, using his floppy boot sole to clear off more cobblestones ahead. “We follow this road—an’ only this road—an’ it’ll lead oos tae the morgue proper.” He looked at me real sharp like. “Ye moost step where I step an’ naewhere else.”
I shrugged. “Always been yer part o’ the show, yo. I’m down with that.”
Tido used his foot to wipe off the dust on the road as we walked. I admit I got a little mor-badly curi-gross about what might happen to us if we mewandered off the path. But if Tido said it weren’t safe, I wasn’t about to test my luck. Still, can’t say I was loving the pace. By my estimath, we were traveling roughly seven inches an hour.
Much as it irkolized me, I did my best to put up with it. When you’re as low on the angelic toe-the-line pole as I am, dealing with bullshit and tedi-dumb is something ya get used to. Still, this wasn’t my home office and Tido sure as shit wasn’t my boss. So I opened my mouth up to tell him to acceleraise the travel speed. What I saw just beyond him, however, sealed my words and they stayed in my mouth.
One second, there weren’t nothing in front of us. The next, a bunch of lumpy-ass rock towers started playing Ring-Around-The-Horizon for as far as the eye could see. The tops o’ them were so high, they extenulated right up into the cloud cover. Nothin’ I could think of explanatated why they all had big chains wrapped ‘round ‘em. “Where’d those big ass rocks come from?” I asked Tido.
Conan waved me off like the mega-sized rock towers popped in front of him every day! “The Titans.”
“The Titans?” I repeated, soundin’ real freaked out like ‘cause I remembered me some show about Titans an’ they was like eatin’ people I think. Hopefully it weren’t no documentary.
“Aye, the Titans.”
“Where’d they come from?”
“They’ve always been there. It’s jist we’re finally close enough tae see ‘em.” Tido didn’t seem overly concerned ‘bout the man-eating Titans. He just wiped down the next step ahead of him, which exposiated a right bend on the path.
“It’s only when ye see the Titans that ye know ye’ve entered the morgue good an’ proper,” he continued.
I squinted hard at the nearest big rock er Titan. My natural telenoculars kicked in, giving the Hubble a run for its money on zoom footage. This way, I got me a way better look at this monstrocitower.
One of the few perks of being an angel is knowin’ some subjectives firsthand. I’ve seen every rock known to man, demon, angel and lawyer. And the texture on this thing? It didn’t look like no rock I’d ever seen befores. So I was bettin’ them Titans weren’t made outta rock. Insteads, this thing looked lots closer to fine Koran-theon leather after it’s been bake-ovened out in the sun for too long. But there wasn’t any sun down here. And who’d make anything outta leather that’s a million miles tall? The chainmail on the oversized bondage gear was definitely a special mix of alloy-cations. But I still had no clue what this thing really was.
“Ach, whatcha standin’ there fer, man?!”
Tido’s voice made me yank my eyeballs and my mind back to the present tension, which nearly made me fall over. I had to blink real fast and hard ta get my head back in the game. I saw Sasquatch taking about six steps aheadlong of me. It took me a few to catch up to him.
“Hey, I know those things ain’t rocks.”
Tido shrugged and took the next step he cleared off. “Ne’er said they were.”
“Right, you said they was Titans.”
“Aye.”
I put my hands on my starvaciated hips and tapped my foot. “So what the hell are Tit—”
Movement on top of one o’ them giant things cut me off. A couple of big holes split open on its rocky skin with a rumble. Just below them holes was a longer, bigger split, one that comparicized to the Grand Canyon in its depth. When that one finished opening, something started to scream.
“I commend my TREASURE to thee, wherein I yet survive; my sole request.”
- Dante’s Inferno
FIVE
BILL
“Jesus!” I yelled as I stuffed my hands into my ears to protectorate my eardrums.
Even that didn’t stop the Too-Loud-Around-Sound from inunderating my ears like a busted water main. Tido wasn’t havin’ any easier time with it, forced down on his knees from the shrieking that echoed around us like it was comin’ from everywheres.
Conan shut his eyes real tight and shielded his ears with his hands. The frown on his face told me how much he wished this monster would do an open sesa-cease. I kept my eyes peeled, which is how I spotted a big, winged something when it landed on the shriekerating Titan.
This new Thing From Another Nightmare was a regular Birdzilla. Like a giant buzzard, it was terrifinating enough to be in its own special class of uglory. Its moon-sized beak pierced the rock skin of the Titan as it started ripping into the enormous thing. I didn’t think the huge chasm’s screams could get any louder, but did they ever… and ever… and ever.
Big, black drops flew down from above us, lookin’ like huge drops of messed up rain. Each one of them blobs was at least three times Tido’s size and he weren’t exactly what you’d call a dwarflet.
But the weird thing was: none of them bucket drops stuck around. And the other weird thing was that none o’ them black drops landed on the path we was on. Instead, they kept rainin’ down ‘round us, but on the dirt. An’ once the drops hit the ground, they got sucked into the dirt faster than I get off on a Playboy centerfold. All that insuctionation got me to thinking what could happen if I lifted so much as a pinky toe off the cobblestones.
After a minute of agonoise, Big Bird Deluxe left the Titan and flapped its big wings back up into the clouds. I didn’t think my ears would ever stop ring-a-dinging from all the abuse they’d endurated. And I was so freaking scared, the poo that’d been knocking at my door got sucked right back up my intestine.
When the lower hole opened up again, I was sure that horrible screaming wasn’t never gonna stop. But all the hole wounded up doing was sighing.
This whole episodomy made me take another hard look at the enormous thing. This time, I looked for something unusuary. Even though I’d never seen one like it, that massively mauled monolith definitely had an aura over it. From that realization, I was able to determinate that the lower hole was actually a mouth and the pair of holes on top were eyes.
The Titan’s eyes found me an’ the still-kneeling Tido PDQ. The mouth grinned before it started speaking in a voice that like bounced all around us ‘cause it were so loud.
“Tallis Black, how singularly rare for the former Master of the Underground City to grace us with his presence.”
Conan got on his feet and tossed his head way back so he could meet our host eyeball-to-moonball. “Aye, no denyin’ it, Prometheus Fire-Thief. But we live in ‘interesting times’.”
Even if my Scottish sherpa hadn’t mentioned they was Titans before, I would’ve recognized the name he called the big galoot. “Yo, wait… you’re the Prometheus? The same guy who nabbed a bit o’ the Divine Fire before handin’ it off ta humans?”
The mountain’s deep chuckulation sounded like it started from somewhere down in his legs. “The one and only, little angel… and as you can see, my liver still suffers for that crime every day.” I figured he was talkin’ ‘bout the fact that the big-ass crow seemed ta think his liver was some kinda delicassey.
The giant on Prometheus’ left started saying somethin’ that didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. One of the subjectives all angels are good at is mastering foreign languages. An’ most o’ my lessons came to me through passive learnin’—the art of sittin’ one’s ass on the couch an’ watchin’ TV an’ lettin’ the knowledge come to you.
But even with my library o’ knowledge, I’d be damned if I could figure out what the actual fuck this guy was spouting off.
Apparently, Promethius didn’t have that langua-pedia neithers ‘cause he gave Huge Rock Dude #2 a look like #2 had been hittin’ too much o’ the ganja and was like Highlingual or somethin’.
“Really, that’s no way to address the first true visitors we’ve had in—”
Pro got cut off by the articulaudable words of the other big guy on his right. “Too long, brother, it’s been far too long.” Every sylla-bull throbbed with the kind of pain you feel deep inside your gut after you drink too many beers an’ eat too much cheese.
Pro exhalitosissed another sigh that sounded as down as the other guy’s voice. “Yes, Epimetheus, it has been far too long.”
Tido’s shoulders straightened out like he was in some damn Army review. “We are glad tae be o’ service tae ye.”
Pro’s big, old boulder eyes nailed me with a hard stare. “I must say, little angel, I am a bit surprised to see the Druid traveling with your kind.”
I found me a good spot behind my ear to scratch. “Yeah, well, we ain’t like best bros or nothin’. We just got us what ya’d call a mule-tual interest in findin’ our Lils an’ gittin’ the hell outta here, yo.”
Conan picked that moment to decide I needed an interpretator. “Lils, o’ course, bein’ one Lily Harper, a Soul Retriever.”
Pro didn’t look like that was ringin’ no bells.
“We became separated an’ we’ve been tryin’ tae find her ever since,” Conan continued esplainin’.
Seekinating a better look at our host an’ his two fugly bros, I pushed my way in front of Tido. Tido’s eyes bugged out just before he grabbed my shoulder and shucked his all-bliterated boot off his foot. It landed near the spot I would’ve stepped on.
An’ good thing too ‘cause the ground made his footwear into foot-where? As in, it sucked Tido’s shoe into itself until there weren’t no shoe left no more. Not even the laces was left behind.
“Thanks for the solid, man,” I said to Conan with a little nod.
While Tido pushed me back behind him, Pro said, “You should be more cautious, William. Your kind may never die but being trapped within this ground is a terrible fate and one that would be considered much worse than death.”
Time for my eyes to bug out. “How you know my name, Pro-man?”
“Let us just agree that I know information I should not know and leave it at that.”
While we was talkin’, Tido pulled off his other boot and tossed it. The ground sucked it down just as quickly as the last one. Guess he didn’t see no point in only wearin’ one boot. That was just as well ‘cause I figured Tido had a case of Flinstone Feet where’s he could walk on anything barefoot just like Fred Flinstone who didn’t wear no shoes or nothing.
I cleared my throat to change the subjective. “I’m kinda shock-a-prised that none o’ Blondie’s boys were out here waitin’ fer us.”
Conan rolled his eyes before giving me a mangry look. “Lleu’s sake, man, can’t ye talk plain an’ simple?”
Pro came to my rescue this time. “We know of whom the angel speaks, Tallis Black.”
Brother Epi wheezed for a second ‘fore speaking again. “Alaire’s minions were here… but they did not stay.”
“I got no idea why!” I said, lookin’ round myself. “This place is like Club Med!”
Tido gave me a real irritated expression but Pro didn’t seem ta mind a little angel humor. Clearly, Conan’s a total bore.
“Then Alaire finds fault with you and yours?” Pro asked Tido.
“They hate us ‘cause they anus,” I answered with a nod.
“Aye,” Conan said.
“Until my brother’s tormentor appeared, Alaire’s reinforcements were determined to stand their ground as long as necessary. Yet, hearing the sounds that both the cursed bird and Prometheus made were more than enough to drive them down to the dubious safety of the Ninth Circle,” Epi continued.
When he started making a mad-dog noise in his throat, I was gratefulfilled to see he was chained up. Last thing I wanted was some enormous rock dude fallin’ over an’ landin’ on me.
“I have listened to my dear sibling crying out in agony for countless eons,” Epi started up again, shaking his massive head which caused a major wind to come blastin’ into us. “A
nd yet, none of Alaire’s weaklings could withstand the screams.”
Conan’s head and shoulders slumped like the averageous Mr. Happy after all the Viagra wears off. “Aye.”
Right about then, the other rock dude who was spoutin’ off some weird-ass language terminulated the intelligentle conversation with more of his gobbledy-gook.
Pro took it in stridation and decipherated for us. “Brother Nimrod wishes to know if either of you have seen the Spites?”
An’ yeah, I lost my shit.
Like Lost.My.Shit.
“Brother Nimrod?” I asked an’ then started laughin’ real hard—the kinda laugh that makes snot come rippin’ out your nose an’ I think I prolly farted a few times too. But, shit, I couldn’t remember the last time I laugherated so damn hard.
“Is there something you find funny, angel?” Pro asked.
“Funny?” I couldn’t stop my laughing even if the rock dudes was gettin’ upsets with me. “His name is Nimrod!” I said an’ started laugh-fartin’ again.
“Dinnae mind the angel,” Tido said, lookin’ as annoyed-like as Pro sounded. “The bloody bampot is off his heid.”
“Perhaps I should ask Nimrod’s question again?” Pro said an’ this time I really tried to keep the shit-giggles in but damn-it-to-hell, it weren’t easy. I turned me around and bent over, tryin’ ta hide my laughin’ but all that did me was get a swift kick to the ass from Conan.
“Pull yerself together, man!” he whisper-railed.
“Dude, when the hell’s you ever heard o’ someone named Nimrod?” I whispered back to him with a shrug like I seriously couldn’t help it. “Nimrod! Come on!”
“It doesnae matter!” Tido whisper-railed me again and then gave me a real mean look.
“Fine,” I said an’ all my good mood vanished just like that. Fuckin’ Tido’s about as much fun as a can full of dog shit. “What the hell’s a Spite?” I asked as I looked up at the monoliths in front of us.
