by HP Mallory
The one on the bodybuilder’s left, a dark-haired guy in a three-piece suit who was holding an axe, stepped a little closer. “Is that a threat, old man?”
While he was talking, the third guy—wearing a ridiculous cowboy getup, complete with a six-shooter—edged his way around the back of the greybeard.
The robed guy didn’t seem fazed in the slightest as he shook his head. “Threats are strictly for the young and foolish. And it has been a very long time since I was either of those.”
All Hammer Boy did was glance at the cowboy but apparently, that was enough. The yokel yanked out his revolver and aimed it at the old man’s leg. Before he could draw his gun, I charged right at him, my express purpose to turn him into a shish-kabob. I nearly attained my goal when the pistol in his hand exploded. He screamed as the blast blew him backwards, clutching his destroyed hand with a contorted grimace.
He wasn’t the explosion’s only victim. The musclehead was also dazed by the blast to the point of stumbling backwards a couple of steps. He took one step too many. His back heel caught on a raised tree root, shoving him flat on his ass. The hammer landed on his face. The sickening crunch that accompanied it, indicated it must’ve hit his nose pretty hard.
Ick.
The suit yelled out his version of a kamikaze scream as he charged the old guy with his axe raised high. For the record, his yell couldn’t have scared a six-year-old. Maybe his would-be victim felt the same way, because he sidestepped the attack just in the nick of time. But the suit had too much momentum behind him to stop. The downward stroke of the axe wound up catching the cowboy right in the chest, stopping his pain and screaming once and for all.
Double ick.
While all of this was happening, I kept running towards the grove. The suit was desperately trying to pull the axe out of his dead compadre but it was stuck good and fast. That’s probably why he failed to notice me until I poked my blade under his throat. “Back it up, American Psycho.”
I barely had to jab his Adam’s apple before he stepped back into the grove, putting his hands up. Past his shoulder, I saw Tallis and the bodybuilder, who was still on the ground. Tallis kicked him in the shoulder to prod him to his feet. As for Bill, well, he finally emerged from the left, out of breath all over again.
The old man turned to Bill with a grateful smile. “I had a feeling your friends were nearby, little angel. Thank you very much for being so prompt.”
Bill nodded when he suddenly stopped cold. “Hey, wait a minute. Ya mean, ya saw me?”
The greybeard gave out a deep, hearty laugh, which could have been terrifying under the wrong circumstances. “With no disrespect intended, I fear that stealth is a skill you have not yet mastered.”
Making a vague gesture to his failed assailants, he added, “Not that these Janissaries of Alaire would have even noticed you without an army at your side. Good madame and good sir, would you be so kind as to herd your prisoners closer to me?”
I glanced at Tallis, who shrugged as though to say there was no harm in doing what the old man asked, so I used my blade to push the suit in the old man’s direction. Once we got halfway to him, he held up his hands.
“Good enough… now, would either of you object to acting as my bailiffs for the next few minutes?”
I shrugged. “Fine by me.”
I saw Tallis do the same. “Aye, Ah’m willin’.”
Bill spread his arms in exasperation. “What? I don’t git ta be a bailiff?”
The amusement returned to our host’s face. “Oh, no! But you get to be something just as important—the witness in the upcoming trial.”
“Huh?” Bill asked.
The old man nodded. “Your presence will merely ensure the trial took place in the attendance of an impartial audience.”
The suit had one last bit of defiance to spit out. “How you figure anybody’s gonna be impartial here, old man?”
Tallis growled out his answer. “Best show more respect tae the High Lord Judge o’ the Underground City, lad.”
No surprise Tallis knew the old guy. Seemed like there wasn’t anyone down here who hadn’t crossed paths with Tallis at some time or another. I glanced over my prisoner’s left shoulder to look at the old man. “You know, you even sound like a judge.”
The old man nodded. “As I should, bailiff… Allow me to introduce myself: I am Minos of Crete. And I declare this court now in session.”
SEVEN
Tallis
It’d been centuries since I last saw Minos conduct a trial. When I was in charge of the Underground City, I occasionally served in the capacity of witness for the old king whilst he handed out his judgments. But this was the first time I’d ever been asked to serve as one of his bailiffs. That honor usually went to the exiled souls who didnae have serious enough crimes to warrant their being confined to the Underground City. The next stop for those fortunates—or unfortunates, I supposed—was an express ticket to a better afterlife that welcomed them.
All this flashed through me head as I watched Minos pacing back and forth in front of the prisoners. Both were on their knees with their hands bound by ropes that Minos produced from his robe. The hammer and axe sat next to the stookie angel on the left, well beyond their reach. The High Judge’s eyes bore down on the young men like burning coals.
“Did I understand you both correctly when you said Afterlife Enterprises hired you as Soul Retrievers?”
The shirtless muscle lad, whose stark lack of hair on his chest would have left him frozen were he hit by a highland breeze, bowed his head in deference. “Yes, sir.”
The lad in the three-piece suit tried matching the judge glare for glare but such was a lost cause. The High Judge of the Underground City had outstared eyes far more intimidating than his. Minos raised an eyebrow at the overdressed thug.
“I’m sorry, young man. Was there something you wished to say?”
The suit all but hissed his answer. “Yes…”
Minos leaned closer, allowing his eyes to swallow those of the man being tried. “Yes, what?”
The lad’s bluster broke under Minos’ gaze and his jaw seemed to move of its own accord. “Yes, Your Honor.”
The judge gave him a curt nod before pulling his head back. “That’s better… now, just to be certain this other critical detail is correct, were you both captured or did you choose to work for the Underground City’s current master, Alaire?”
The shirtless lad looked at Minos in horror. “We had to work for him! If we didn’t—”
Crete’s most famous king cut him off with a raised hand. “We will get to the details momentarily. For now, a yes or no response is all I wish to hear.”
The lad inhaled until his chest swelled a couple of sizes with his deep breath. It quickly deflated as he muttered his answer. “Yes, sir.”
Minos nodded and asked the same question of the suit. Some of the earlier defiance crept into the axe-wielder’s eyes but he was smart enough to say the correct answer. “Yes, Your Honor.”
Minos dropped his hand to his side. “Now you may tell me about the extenuating circumstances … one at a time, if you please.”
The underdressed lad didnae seem to know where to start, so his better-dressed companion spoke first. “I was given exactly three choices when I was captured: get killed on the spot—and not a quick death—or be AE’s janitor and cabana boy for the rest of eternity, or fight for Alaire.”
Minos resumed his pacing, although he never took his eyes off the men. “And the outright violation of your contractual agreement with Afterlife Enterprises mattered so little to you?”
The anger that was smoldering in the well-dressed lad’s eyes came back in full force. “As far as I’m concerned, AE sent me down here to die… again. The second fight I had in the Underground City showed me they were never serious about making good on their word. There probably wasn’t even one misplaced soul there in the first place.”
Minos’s formidable gaze swung from him to me with abrupt
ness. “Bailiff, as a longtime resident of the Underground City yourself, is there any truth to this young man’s charge?”
While I fully intended to tell the truth regardless, the High Judge had a way of talking to you that made it seem like telling the truth was the only choice you had. “Nae, Yer Honor, me fellow bailiff an’ Ah have picked oop a few stray souls down in these parts that didnae belong here.”
The former king nodded gravely and swung his head back around to the musclebound lad. “Thank you, bailiff. Now, young master, do you have anything to add to your companion’s account?”
The lad looked up shyly with more than a wee bit of dread. “There’s… there’s not really much else to say. I was given the same deal he was and… well, I know it was wrong but… I really didn’t like the choice between certain death or slavery.”
Minos nodded and grunted. “Understandable… very few do. Am I to assume from your words that you deeply regret your choice and all the harm that it subsequently caused?”
The lad looked as though he wanted to cry but was too proud to let the tears fall. His voice still choked on them, all the same. “Yes, sir… I mean, Your Honor.”
Minos lightly patted the air. “Either form of address is fine, since both show respect to this court.”
Minos looked down at his other prisoner. “Do you share your companion’s remorse?”
The suited lad relaxed a bit and some of his defiance seemed to go away. “Yeah, Your Honor. I mean, I made not one but two bad deals here. If I could do it over again, I’d take my chances as a cabana boy.”
Minos’s constant steps crawled to a stop. “You are lying to the court.”
“Huh? I just said—”
Minos seized the back of the suit’s head, his eyes blazing with an eerie yellow light as he stared right into his prisoner’s eyes. “The truth! What are you truly sorry about?”
Having seen this scene on more than one memorable occasion, I wasnae surprised at the speed in which the words came tumbling from the lad’s mouth. “That I was caught, and that I got paired up with a couple of asswipes who couldn’t protect a fence post—”
His fellow prisoner didnae take that one well. “Hey!”
Besom put a finger to her lips and made a shushing noise. That shut the lad’s mouth quick enough. In the meantime, the other lad kept talking. “That I’ll never get the bounty I deserve for killing you, old man, and that I never got a chance to bang my side-girl one last time!”
Minos all but threw the lad’s head back as he released him, his eyes returning to their usual color. The suit, on the other hand, appeared shocked.
“You forced those words outta me!” he yelled at Minos.
The old man straightened. “You are clearly guilty of breaching your contract with Afterlife Enterprises and that is undisputed. However, for your audacity in lying to this court in your feeble, transparent attempt to hide your true guilt, I now convict you of the additional charge of perjury.”
The sharply dressed lad’s eyes went wide with fear, flicking over the blades he saw in my and Besom’s hands. “Are you going to kill me?”
“Technically speaking, young man, you are already dead. The penalty for violating your contract is clearly spelled out: one hundred years in Shade. But by the authority vested in me by Afterlife Enterprises, I hereby sentence you to an additional two centuries for your amateurish, vain attempt to cover your perfidy.”
The horror that played out on the lad’s face was an ugly thing to see. “Wait—”
But that was one thing Minos never did. One tap on the lad’s forehead with his pointer finger and the prisoner popped clean out of sight, leaving behind naught but the ropes that bound his hands. The next three hundred years would give him plenty of time to regret his error in judgment.
The shirtless lad didnae care about his tears now. The saltwater ran down his cheeks freely. “Please, Your Honor, I really meant what I said! I never realized the things I had to do were hurting—”
The former king put a pair of fatherly hands on the lad’s bare shoulders. “And I believe you. But as I just told your companion, you have all but admitted to breaching your contract… one for which there are explicitly clear penalties spelled out in writing.”
The pleading in the lad’s eyes was all but unbearable. The look on Besom and the stookie angel’s faces reflected me own feelings about watching this drama unfold. The lad’s ragged breath had to be brought under control before he could speak again.
“There’s no exceptions?” The poor lad asked.
Minos sighed as he gave the lad’s shoulders a fatherly squeeze. “I do not blame you for hoping such a thing exists. But I am afraid it does not.”
As he pulled back, the angel raised his hand. “Hey, yo, uh, I dunno if I gots a right ta ask this…”
I grimaced at the stookie angel’s interruption, bracing meself for the spectacle of the blundering dunderheid making the poor lad’s future even worse. But Minos took the interruption in stride.
“As it is the highest aspiration of this court to ensure that its procedures are thoroughly understood, you may ask what you will, witness.”
The angel nodded. “Well, how ‘bout this? See, Crewcut here ain’t cut from the same cloth o’ disremorse as his buddy was, right?” Besom and I nodded. Minos cocked his head to the side. “An’ his options were pretty shit, y’know?”
The old king looked a bit displeased but I could see that he agreed with the angel’s point. “When the violations are so transparently clear, the penalty must be enacted.”
“But the whole enchilada? An’ fer something that wasn’t even really all his fault in the first place? Ya don’t gotta throw both bookends at him just to make yer point, Grand Judge Judy.”
Minos turned around to meself and Besom, his brow knitted in deep thought. “And what do my bailiffs have to say to this entreaty?”
I spoke first. “While penalties tae the contract moost be enacted, Ah seemed tae recall some regulation last century that gave the court power tae commute sooch a sentence oonder special circumstances.” Actually, I recalled nae such thing, but I clung to the hope that Minos would let me comment slide for the sake of doing the right thing.
Minos nodded before turning to Besom. “And you, bailiff…?”
She shook her head. “All I know is that I could have easily wound up where that young man is right now,” she started as she motioned to the lad in question with a nod of her beautiful head. “And I would sure hope someone would stand up for me.”
Minos nodded again and turned back toward his prisoner. “Then, with all the above in mind, the court commutes your sentence to a mere three decades in Shade.”
The lad calmed himself and looked at the judge’s index finger as if it were a gun while he prepared to receive his coup de grace. “Will this hurt?”
Minos brought his finger within inches of the lad’s forehead. “No…”
One tap later, the lad disappeared. Minos clapped his hands twice. “I hereby declare this court adjourned.”
###
For reasons I didnae pretend to understand, the High Judge practically smacked his lips in satisfaction as he finished the angel’s horrible fried bologna.
“To which cook do I owe my compliments?”
Never one to miss a chance to show off, the stookie angel raised his hand and gave Minos a cheeky grin. I shook me head and stuck to the safer portions of the rations we’d packed: fried potato slices and mixed greens. Besom chose to eat the last of the bread.
“At the risk of disrupting the necessary act of proper sustenance, I must question why the former head of the Underground City is keeping company with a contracted Soul Retriever and a minor angel?” Minos asked as he faced me with his eyebrows drawn.
The pleasure all but collapsed in the angel’s face at hearing his descriptor, which prompted me to ask a question of me own. “Ah could ask the same o’ the Lord High Judge o’ the Underground City, who, tae the best o’ me knowled
ge, hasnae been outside his Dis courthouse in millennia.”
Minos nodded. “A valid point, Tallis Black… almost as effective as your closing argument for our last prisoner, despite the fraudulent basis your argument rested upon.”
While I’m by nae means stupid, it took all of a few seconds for me to realize he’d just called me dishonest. I swallowed the potato in me mouth with a dry throat. Assuming the worst, Besom put her bread in her lap and her hand on her sword as she faced Minos. “You’re not touching him or sending him anywhere. And I don’t care if I do wind up in Shade for a few extra centuries for getting in your way.”
Minos didnae react in anger, but gave her an amazed stare at her brazenness. ‘Twas understandable; there’re nae many who could so directly challenge Crete’s one-time king, especially with any knowledge of his power. I took a deep, steadying breath before gesturing at Lily’s sword hand. “Let it be, Besom. Had Minos wanted tae pronounce sentence oopon me, I daresay he’d have done so at trial.”
The High Judge nodded. “And I have no intention of passing such a judgment now, Lily Harper. So please…” He capped his statement with another swirl of the air, angling it down towards the ground. Lily didnae trust him, as apparent by her expression. By tiny degrees, she slid her hand away from the blade. But the bread remained in her lap and her eyes were riveted on Minos.
The angel scratched his head, getting some of the grease from the fried bologna he’d been eating on it. “I don’t git ya, yo. Tido obfuscomplicates the truth an’ yer cool with that?”
The High Judge swallowed a bite of his own bologna before answering. “Let us just say that the last century or so has seen an enlightenment regarding the difference between any legal system and true justice.”
Besom tapped her finger on her thigh in thought, keeping her hand close to the bread as though it were a dagger. “That enlightenment wouldn’t have anything to do with why you’re out here in the middle of the Dark Wood?”
