I patted her arm and went to the kitchen, let the tap run until the water was frigid. My head wrestled with Victoria’s revelation. I wanted to take her guilt and make it disappear, could well imagine the waves of it slamming into her over and over, relentless and pounding, eating away at her core for years.
She blamed herself for Angeline’s death the way I blamed myself for Dad’s, and while there was nothing we could do or say to each other to bring either of them back, would telling her we were sisters somehow help heal our broken hearts? Or would it appear a crass, opportunistic move on my part? Either way, I couldn’t imagine how she’d held on to her secret, hating herself for what she’d done. As I took her the glass of water, I vowed I’d do whatever I could to help her, as she’d done for me. She didn’t have to cope with this alone. Not anymore. Not now that we had each other.
When I went back into the living room, Victoria wasn’t there, and I found her in my bedroom. I watched as she walked over to my shelf and reached up to retrieve Dad’s snow globe, and as she did, her shirt slid up her back, enough for me to catch a glimpse of the angry palm-size bruise above her left hip. A shade of deep purple. Fresh.
“What happened to you?” I said and Victoria spun around.
“Oh, you scared me. Sorry. I was having a look—”
“I meant your hip. How did you get that bruise?”
“What? Oh, uh, I tripped and fell into the sideboard. I’m such a klutz.”
“You tripped backward?”
“Yeah,” she said. “It’s nothing I—”
“I’m going to ask you something.” I set down the glass of water while telling the rage building inside me to keep still, to stay calm. “And I want you to tell me the truth. Has Hugh ever laid a hand on you?”
“What?” Her voice went up a few notches. “No, of course not.”
“Because I swear to God, I’ll kill him if he has.”
“He hasn’t,” Victoria said. “I tripped. I did. Honestly.”
I waited for her to change her story, to tell me what really happened, but she remained silent. “There’s more, I can tell.” I moved toward her, put a hand on her shoulder.
“There’s nothing going on.”
“Victoria—”
“Eleanor, please.” She shook me off and put the snow globe back. “I’m fine.”
I followed her to the living room, anger simmering inside me. I was sure now Hugh had hurt Victoria, and I needed her to tell me, but if I pushed too hard, I’d risk scaring her away or, worse, strengthen her warped loyalties toward him. I knew it was hard for anyone to admit they were in an abusive relationship, and things weren’t as perfect as everybody thought they were from the outside. I’d have to bide my time, tread lightly until she was ready, but how long would it take, and what if he hurt her again? How could I protect her if she didn’t open up to me?
“I’d better go,” she said, gathering her things, but I put my hand on hers.
“You’re my best friend. I’m here for you, always and no matter what. I’ll do anything for you, do you understand?”
“Anything?” she said. “Really?”
“Anything. All you need to do is ask.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
LEWIS AND I SPENT most of Thanksgiving together, but by Sunday night I felt so exhausted from pretending everything was normal, I couldn’t think or keep my eyes open. We sat on my sofa, watching a movie I’d wanted to see for ages, but which hadn’t held an iota of my interest, my thoughts about the baby and Hugh and Victoria all running circles through my head.
I’d called her a few times over the past week but our conversations had been quick, and she’d fobbed me off on account of being too busy with the new company setup. While I’d almost told Lewis about my suspicions regarding the state of Hugh and Victoria’s relationship a few times, I didn’t want to betray her, needed her to confide in me.
“I like your necklace and earrings,” Lewis said, bringing my scattered focus back to him. “They suit you.” When I didn’t reply, he added, “Are you okay? You seem really preoccupied.”
“Oh, you know. Website stuff,” I said, working hard to make it sound believable.
“Why don’t you let me take you to bed early?” He brushed his fingers down the side of my face. “I can think of a few ways I might be able to get you to relax.”
I tried not to flinch or pull away as I shook my head. I’d feigned a classic headache twice and had to come up with something else. “Not tonight. I’m really tired and can’t switch off. I need a long bath and a good night’s sleep. Would you...uh, mind if I spent the night alone?”
“Whatever you need,” he said, leaning over, kissing me gently. “Tell you what, you get some rest and I’ll call you after the conference.”
“Conference?”
“The fitness pros one tomorrow. I did tell you about it, didn’t I? I know I mentioned it to Victoria at the gym the other day but I’m sure I told you, too.”
“Maybe... I can’t remember.”
“See? Preoccupied. It’s at the Marriott on Fore. I’ll be there until late, these things tend to go on forever, and there are a few people I want to catch up with. I’ll see you Tuesday?”
After kissing me again, he left me alone in my apartment, and I wished I hadn’t asked him to go, that I’d had the courage to tell him about the baby. I was too scared to let him inside my heart more than I already had, was terrified of his reaction. He’d think I did this on purpose, I was trying to trap him, force him into being with me. He’d walk away, exactly how Stan had from my mother.
On Monday afternoon Lewis sent a few messages asking how I was, telling me he missed me, but when he phoned I let the call go to voice mail. Later, I listened to his husky whispers of how he couldn’t wait to see me, how he was so glad we’d met, and I forced myself to not call him back and blurt out I was pregnant with his child. Victoria had suggested I wait awhile to tell him, that I should do so once I was sure how I felt about everything, and I knew she was right.
Still, when there was a knock on my door shortly after nine, I wondered if Lewis had abandoned his conference buddies in favor of coming home early, but instead it was Victoria. She looked around, peering past me, frowning.
“Are you alone? Lewis isn’t here, right?”
“I’m alone. What’s going on?” I said as I shut the door behind her. “Are you okay?”
“No. No, I’m not. I’m angry. I’m fucking furious.” Her eyes narrowed some more, and her lips pursed as she shook her head and started muttering to herself.
“Victoria, calm down. Tell me what happened.”
“Men,” she said, her hands on her hips. “That’s what’s happened. Fucking men.”
“Okay...but I think you have to give me a bit more context.”
“When you asked about Hugh...about him hurting me, I... I lied.”
The air felt as if it had been sucked out of the room. While I’d had my suspicions, I hadn’t expected her to be so direct about her situation, so brazen and forthcoming. I felt taken aback, didn’t know how to respond. The way she stood there, so bold and strong, I could tell something had changed. Something had snapped. This was a woman who’d had enough. A woman on the edge.
“How...how long has it been going on?” I said.
“On and off. It’s never been anything bad—”
“Anything is bad,” I said, her fury igniting mine. “He gave you that bruise on your hip, didn’t he? He physically hurts you?”
“It’s the first time he’s ever touched me, I swear,” she said. “It was never like this before. Up until now it was all emotional, you know? The things he said, the way he said them, what he allowed me to do or not do. I kept trying to reason it was because he was under pressure at work or worrying about money or whatever. Well, bullshit.”
“Tell me what happened,” I said. “Tel
l me what he did.”
“I didn’t lie about falling into the sideboard, but I didn’t trip. We had an argument and he pushed me after I accused him of having an affair, and—”
“Wait. What? He pushed you and you think he’s seeing someone else?”
“I’m positive. It started weeks ago. Around when you and I met, actually. He’d switch off his phone when he said he was still at the office. Then he started coming home way later than usual, and I could tell he’d had a shower.”
“Still, it could be—”
“I buy his body wash, Eleanor, and it doesn’t smell like that.” She paused, but I kept quiet because I could tell more words were preparing to rush out. “I’m such an idiot. Do you know what I told myself up until now? That he may be controlling and a bit nasty at times, but at least he was loyal.” She laughed and threw her hands in the air. “Can you believe it? I appeased myself with the thought that it could be worse. How pathetic. I’m such a goddamn loser.”
“No, you’re not,” I said. “You’re not.”
“I am. I haven’t told my parents about him. Dad thinks the sun shines out of his ass and Mom would think I’m weak and a failure for him not treating me the way Dad does her.”
“She wouldn’t—”
“She would, because I’ve never been allowed to fail at anything.” She shook her head. “We Gallingers live in such a bubble. Everything’s always got to be just so. God help us if we have a hair out of place or don’t RSVP to a party the proper way or, dear Lord, get divorced. And so here I am, making excuse after excuse for the way Hugh treats me—”
“Victoria, you’re human and, believe me, you’re not alone. Lots of us make excuses when the ones who are supposed to love us hurt us the most.”
“Maybe you’re right,” she said, “but I can’t live this way anymore. I won’t. And let me tell you something, I’ve had enough of men taking advantage of us, of thinking they’re better than us, smarter, faster, stronger and—”
“They don’t all think that way,” I said.
“Yes, they do. My dad, God love him, is exactly that way. He’s ruthless.”
I tried not to shiver. “Maybe, but not my dad. And not Lewis.”
Victoria’s face fell and she reached for my hand. “Oh, sweetheart...”
“What?” As she squeezed my fingers, a giant lump grew in the pit of my belly.
“Nothing. It’s nothing,” Victoria said. “I’m sure—”
“Stop. Why did you say, ‘Oh, sweetheart,’ like that? Do you know something?”
She hesitated, spun her wedding ring around her finger with her thumb. An almost imperceptible move, but I knew her now. It meant she was uncomfortable, hiding something.
“Tell me,” I said. “Whatever it is, you have to tell me.”
“Are you sure you want to know?” she whispered. “Because I can’t take it back.”
“Tell me,” I repeated. “Does he know about the baby? Did you tell him by accident?”
“No, of course not. I wouldn’t betray you. How are you feeling, anyway? Are you—”
“Stop. Just tell me what you meant. Please.”
Victoria looked at me, shaking her head. “I saw him. I saw the dirty fucker.” She spat the word with such vehemence, it made me take a step back.
“What do you mean? You saw Lewis? Where?”
“I didn’t want to be home when Hugh got back, couldn’t face looking at him, so I went for a walk to try to figure out what to do, you know? Anyway, I went past the Marriott on—”
“Fore Street,” I said, a tremble in my voice.
“Yes. You knew Lewis was there?”
“He said he was at a conference,” I whispered.
“Well, maybe that’s true, but he was at the bar, I saw him through the window, and, oh, Eleanor, I’m so, so sorry... He was with another woman. They were...kissing.”
I was sinking, drowning, right there in my apartment. “No, he wouldn’t—”
“And it wasn’t innocent. It wasn’t innocent at all.”
It was as if I’d been punched, as if the mugger had attacked me all over again, hitting and pounding me in the head with his fists. Stumbling, I grabbed the back of the chair to steady myself, felt everything spin, threatening to pull me to the floor. My mother’s voice filled my head, telling me I shouldn’t be surprised. I was unworthy, unlovable, hopeless, pointless, a waste of space. I tried to push the words away, thought I’d almost stopped believing them, that Lewis wasn’t like that, he’d never hurt me because he cared and I meant something to him.
“No,” I said, the remaining fragments of hope disappearing one by one. “He wouldn’t.”
Victoria’s face fell. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t sure what to do, whether or not to tell you, but I couldn’t live with myself if I lied to you. I can’t let him do to you what Hugh’s doing to me, not when you’re...when you’re pregnant.”
She handed me her phone and my legs threatened to collapse entirely when I saw the photo. Although blurry, Lewis was unmistakable, and a petite brunette dressed in a red shift dress and silver heels had her lips locked to his, her slim arms draped around his neck, her breasts pressed against him. Precisely the kind of woman I’d always pictured him with, the kind I could never be or compete with. I stared at the shot, tears of rage, disappointment, frustration, disbelief all mixing together as I let out a sob.
Victoria swore and threw her phone back in her bag. “Don’t you dare cry, do you hear me? They’re not worth our tears, not Hugh or Lewis. Here we are, bending over backward to make them happy, and what do we get in return? Screwed. Well, there’s to be no more, let me tell you, Eleanor. We’re done. It’s you and me now. The two of us and—”
I sank down on the sofa as she continued to rant but I stopped listening. I didn’t need to wonder anymore how Lewis felt about me. Whatever it was, it had never been much. What we’d had was over, he was already moving on, it had only been a matter of time. I’d known from the beginning I’d never be enough for him, but he’d had me so convinced he liked me—maybe loved me a little, even—I’d let my defenses down. I’d let him in.
You stupid bitch, the voice in my head whispered. You stupid, pathetic little bitch. You thought he’d want to stay with you? That you could make him love you? You’re nobody. You’re nothing. You’re—
“No,” I shouted, silencing the words, and Victoria’s. “I’m not nobody. I’m worth more than this.”
“That’s right,” Victoria said, nostrils flaring. “You’re worth ten of him. A hundred.”
“I’m not taking this shit,” I shouted. “I. Am. Not. Taking. This. Shit.”
Victoria’s chest was heaving now, her hands on her hips, eyes blazing like a thousand bonfires. “What are we going to do? We can’t let them get away with this. We won’t.”
“I’m going to tell Lewis to go fuck himself. Are you going to do the same to Hugh?”
Her face hardened some more, chin raised. “We have a prenup.”
“Brilliant.”
“Yes, but if I can prove he’s having an affair, he’ll walk away with almost nothing.”
“Okay, then let’s figure out who Hugh’s been seeing.”
“Good. That’s good. I’ve been through all his clothes and pockets and everywhere else I could think of at home. There’s nothing there but he wouldn’t be that stupid.” She bit her thumbnail, furrowed her brow. “I’ll follow him when he goes out next time and says it’s with his friends, and... I know it’s a lot to ask, but could you get him out of the office tomorrow? For lunch, maybe? Let me know when, so I can snoop around? I’d only need fifteen minutes.”
“But other people will be there. They’ll see you, and when they tell him you were in, he’s bound to become more careful, especially after you accused him of cheating already.”
Her shoulders drop
ped. “You’re right...unless—” she snapped her fingers “—unless I wait until he’s asleep, take his badge and go to the brewery. He’d never know, would he?”
“What if he wakes up and you’re gone? And he looks at the badge logs every so often to measure efficiencies or whatever. I mean, it might not matter, but—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I definitely don’t want him to know what I’m doing... Shit! I can’t let him get away with this. I have to get into his office.”
“I’ll go in early tomorrow,” I said. “It’ll be far less conspicuous, actually, not conspicuous at all. With the hours I’ve been putting in, nobody will blink.”
“You’d do that for me?” she whispered.
“Of course I would. Do you know the password for his computer?”
She shook her head again. “No, he changed it... I don’t know about this, Eleanor. You’re not a private detective, and I know how to handle him.”
“Your bruise tells me otherwise,” I said. “Let me do this. Please?”
She sank down on the sofa, reminding me of a deflated, week-old balloon, looking like she’d given up. “I...I’m going to divorce him, aren’t I? I’m going to be all alone.”
“No, you won’t. You’ll have me. You said so, it’s going to be us now.”
“And the baby,” she said. “It’ll be the three of us against the world.”
I felt exhausted, spent, and when I tried a smile, it probably resembled a pathetic grimace, but as I looked at Victoria, I felt it transform itself into something stronger.
“The three of us.” I touched my new necklace. “You have no idea how good that sounds.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
BY SIX THIRTY THE next morning I was at Bell Hops, surrounded by darkness. The cursor on Hugh’s screen blinked at me, daring me to try again as I forced my brain to remember the password I’d seen him enter a few days earlier when Genie had come in to run a quick systems check, which I thought could have waited. I closed my eyes, pictured myself sitting next to him, attempted to see his fingers moving across his keyboard in my mind’s eye. Three attempts before being locked out, and after using two of them, I accepted Victoria was right. I was no sleuth, no Sherlock Holmes or Lara Croft, but I wasn’t defeated. Not yet.
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