Shit. Even back then I was crazy about him. It was so obvious.
Why’d he have to lie to me?
I put the picture frame back in the box and wipe my index finger under each eye. As I grab the blazer, I feel my phone buzz I my pocket. I pull it out and glance at the screen.
Well, speak of the devil. It’s like I conjured him up.
DEX: I know how angry you are, and rightfully so.
Damn straight.
DEX: Please just step outside.
Outside?
I fling open the front door and the air leaves my lungs. My whole front yard is a sea of glass cylinders filled with white candles that flicker in the purple light of dusk.
I step off the porch and there, on the lawn, are huge squares painted as Scrabble tiles. I walk down the front path, and the first set of tiles spells the word F-O-R-G-I-V-E and the letter E has an M above it.
Forgive me.
It’s a sweet sentiment that tugs at my heart. Still, it’s going to take more than that to change anything.
I step further down the path and the next set of tiles is laid out before me.
Always loved you.
The next set spells, lost without you.
I walk a little further and when I look up, Dex is standing, leaning back against his car in my driveway. His hands are shoved in his pockets. He has a sweet, sheepish look on his face.
“Hi.” His words are quiet and cautious.
“Hi.” I cross my arms in a feeble attempt to safeguard my vulnerable heart.
“Can we talk?” He stands upright and slowly steps forward, hands still shoved in his pockets.
Arms still crossed, I look down, shaking my head back and forth as I kick at the edge of the pavement.
“Come on, Sinclair. I promise, if you’ll just hear me out, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I’ll never bother you again. Just…please.” His voice cracks so subtly, someone who didn’t know him so well would miss it.
“Inside,” I turn, arms still folded as I walk into the house.
He closes the front door behind him and follows me into the living room. I sit in the chair and gesture to the sofa, but Dex shakes his head, seeming to prefer standing.
“Why did you trick me into dating Cole? I told you I didn’t really hit it off with him, and you helped him trick me into liking him. Why?” My gaze is fixed on him as I wait for a response.
He clears his throat, then speaks. “Remember when you graduated from college and your parents had that cookout for you at their house?”
I nod, and he continues.
“You had broken up with that guy Dillon a few weeks before, and I had been debating whether or not I should tell you how I really felt. I went back and forth, and finally decided, at the barbecue, to ask you if you’d consider going on a date with me.” He shakes his head and paces back and forth.
“I got you that bracelet,” he nods to my wrist, and I finger the small, gold beads that have brought me comfort so many times in the years since.
“Anyway, I was talking to your Mom. She asked me if I knew if you were dating anyone. I told her you weren’t but before I could tell her I planned on asking you out, she pointed to Scott, the neighbor’s kid who she had invited. She told me he was heading to law school, and he was just the kind of guy you should be dating.” He takes off his glasses and runs his palm down his face.
“You were going to ask me out when I graduated? Dex, I would’ve said yes…I would’ve been thrilled.”
“Just…,” he presses the air with his palms, begging my silence so he can continue. “After I talked to your Mom, I thought, well, maybe she’s right. Maybe that’s the kind of guy you deserve. Self-assured, good-looking and confident—the kind of guy everyone likes. So, I never said a word.”
He walks over and sits on the edge of the coffee table facing me, and takes my hand. He turns over my wrist and runs his finger over the beads of my bracelet, leaving a trail of electricity where his finger grazes my skin.
“I never even told you what this meant.” He shakes his head and then meets my eyes.
“What do you mean? It’s just beads, isn’t it?”
“Some are long and some are round, see?” He holds my wrist up and I nod. “It’s Morse code. It spells Wonder.” The faintest smile crosses his lips.
“Wonder? Because you know how much I love learning?”
He shakes his head. “No, sweetheart. Because you—you are a wonder to me. You’re the most precious and rare creature imaginable. I have loved you since that first day, Clair.”
He lets go of my hand and takes off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose and wiping away a drop of emotion. “I loved you so much, that I was willing to let you go—to let you be with the kind of man who I was so sure could make you happy. Even though it crushed my soul to watch you fall for him, that’s what I thought I was doing. I thought it was him you wanted. I made a huge mistake, but it was never to hurt you.”
I stand and pace for a moment before walking to look out the window, arms crossed over my chest. “You can never lie to me again,” I say without turning around. “You don’t seem to realize…,” I turn to face him. “You own my whole heart, Dex. You always have. I love you with everything I am. That means no one else has the power to hurt me—to destroy me—like you do.”
Tears threaten to breach the rim of his eyes as crimson flushes across his nose and cheeks.
I take a fast step forward, pinching his chin between my thumb and fingers as my eyes lock on his. “Never deceive me, and never betray me. Never again for the rest of our lives, is that clear?”
He cautiously brushes his hand onto my shoulder and I loosen my grip. “Never again. You have my word.”
“You also don’t get to make decisions for me. You don’t know what’s best for me. I get to choose that for myself. Got it?”
“I swear, I’ll never make that mistake again.” He takes half a step, pulling me closer and I let my hand drop. “Clair, there’s nothing I won’t do to have you back in my life. I don’t know how to function without you. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and my work is total shit. I need you.”
“So this hurt…Being away from me these past few weeks?”
“It’s the most excruciating thing I’ve ever been through. It has been a pain that has been nearly impossible to endure.”
“Good. Because it has been for me too. I want to be sure you don’t forget it, because I swear to god, Dexter, if you ever break my trust again, we’re through. For good.” I wince, but it doesn’t stop the tear that escapes down my cheek.
“When I was telling Cole those things? All the things I told him to do, the places I told him take you…deep down, it was all the things I wished I could do for you myself. All I wanted was for you to be happy.” He shakes his head.
“I know what a mistake that was, now. Nothing could make me hurt you like that again, I swear.” His eyes are so soft, his expression so earnest, it melts my heart.
“Good. So I guess there’s only one thing left to figure out, isn’t there?” His brows dip as if he doesn’t understand me.
I step forward and grip his sides as I look up at him. “Where do we stand now, Dex? What do you want us to be?”
CHAPTER 34
Dexter
I MIGHT BE DEAD, or possibly in some sort of drug-induced hallucinatory state. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for what I think I just heard.
“I’m sorry, could you elaborate?” I’m still too frozen to move, even though Clair is gripping my t-shirt at the sides of my abdomen as if she’s holding on for dear life.
“What do you want us to be, Dexter? Am I going back to just being your friend? You said you love me—you always have, so…what is it that you want?” Her eyes are moist as she looks up at me, her lips full, her cheeks flushing with the slightest hint of crimson. Her breasts rise and fall with every heavy breath.
I have to stop my hands from trembling as they reach up to g
rasp her shoulders and slide around her back. I was terrified I’d never get to hold her like this again.
“I don’t think I get to choose unilaterally. You just told me as much. I think it’s something we have to talk about. So…what do you want us to be?” My hands slide down her back a little and she takes half a step forward.
“I don’t think I can keep being friends with you, Dex. I can’t spend more years of my life being in love with a man who is so close, yet who I can’t have. If we’re going to be in each other’s lives, I think…I need everything.” Her hands grip my shirt tighter as she pulls herself closer. “How would you feel if we tried…more?”
Her big blue eyes are fiery as she looks up at me, and my heart pounds so hard I fear it might explode. I move my hand from her back to her cheek and stroke her jaw with the pads of my fingers.
“More? If you’re asking me what I want…it’s everything. I want everything with you. I want to hold you and love you and never let you go.” I tip my head forward and search her eyes for agreement as I stroke her lips with my thumb.
She tiptoes up and in an instant, my mouth is on hers and I am lost in this woman. My lips knead hers, and when they part, my tongue darts out to taste her. Her lips part for more, and I press forward, wrapping my arms around her tightly. She slides one hand around my neck, her nails playfully tugging at the back of my hair while her other hand presses into my back, pulling me closer.
For years, I’ve been a fool, because this woman is mine. She belongs to me, and I to her. Kissing her is like coming home. I can’t imagine a world in which I’ve tasted her lips and never get to again, because that’s a world in which I don’t want to live.
As our kiss deepens, Clair’s fingertips rake around my side and over my abs. I don’t think I’ve ever been as hard as I am for her in this moment. My tongue slides against hers, my hands move down her body, and my palms grip her hips to pull her closer. Her fingers dip lower, and she runs them down the front of my jeans, tracing the outline of my cock. When her fingernails trace up and down my shaft, they catch on every thread of denim, sending vibrations that flow like waves throughout my body.
“Christ, Sinclair,” I moan the words into her open mouth.
She moves her lips from mine to my jaw, then to my neck. “I want you, Dexter. Tell me you want me, too.” When she scrapes the skin of my throat with her teeth, I can take no more. I lean forward and lift her, carrying her to her bedroom.
Once there, I quickly pull my shirt over my head. As I start to unbutton my jeans, she’s undressing, and I can’t take my eyes off of her. Plump, perfect breasts peek out over the cups of her bra, and her waist curves in before sloping back out to slim hips. She unbuttons her slacks and lets them fall, revealing a slip of lace that makes my mouth water. She unhooks her bra, letting it drop, and scoots back on the bed. She is a creature of unparalleled perfection, and I still can’t quite believe she has chosen me.
I slide down my jeans and shorts and stand before her, naked in every sense of the word. I’ve laid my soul bare to her, and now I’m asking her to be mine. She scans my body with her gaze, and rakes her teeth across her lower lip. I join her on the bed and kiss her, and the lace of her panties scraping against the head of my cock is exquisite torture.
I kiss her neck and the pale skin of her breast. When I trap her nipple between my lips and circle it with my tongue, she makes a little sound that shoots straight through me. Her legs wrap around me, drawing me close, and I know she wants me as much as I want her.
I lean back and slide down her panties, casting them aside. Her seam is glistening for me and I press my fingers there, sliding up and down. As I do, I fist my cock, sliding my hand up and down until I can’t wait a moment longer.
“I want you, Dex. I need you…I love you.” As she says the last words I slide into the most exquisite warmth my body has ever known. I slip deeper into her heat, overwhelmed with the tightness— the perfection that is being inside of her.
The first time we were together was incredible. Now, though? After having thought I’d lost her forever? The relief, the warmth, the ecstasy of being inside of her is everything.
“Are you okay?” I hope the answer is yes because I never want to pull out. I’d like to say being with her is exactly what I’ve always fantasized about, but it’s so much more. Being here with Clair feels more right than anything I’ve ever known.
“I am.” Her voice is a needy whisper. “This is…so…perfect.”
“Yes, sweetheart. You’re perfect,” I kiss her lips. “We’re perfect together.”
I press deeper and as I begin to move, I am more lost to her with every stroke. I move and she moves with me. Painted fingertips dig into my flesh, and her hips move to meet mine. I’m trying to hold back—but the way she feels makes it nearly impossible.
As her hips move to meet me, she makes the sweetest sounds. Her legs move higher, urging me deeper, and I follow her lead.
“I’m right there, sweetheart. Are you with me?”
“I’m so close,” she whispers. Her fingers stroke my cheek as one arm clutches me at the shoulder. “God, how can this be so good?”
I capture her lips with mine, and when she moans into the kiss, I’m done. I slide my arm under her shoulders to brace her and move harder, faster. Moans become cries of pleasure, begging for more. Deep in my core, I feel the rumble of orgasm as it begins to roll through me. Her body tenses around me and I can’t hold back anymore. I succumb to the blinding pleasure.
I stay with her as she rides out her orgasm, softly kissing her neck as her body pulses around me.
After she returns from the bathroom, she joins me under the covers and snuggles down into my arms. I hold her tight against me, still in some level of shock that this is really happening—that I’m here with her.
I press my cheek to the top of her head. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?” I’m hoping against all hope she’s as happy as I am.
She lets out a soft chuckle, and I feel her cheeks pull up into a smile against my chest. “Elated, confused, optimistic, sated, terrified…I would give you more adjectives but my brain’s a little foggy.” She presses her lips to my skin. “What about you?”
“Same.” I smile and we both laugh.
“We should go to get something to eat…before round two.” She gives me a devilish grin.
.-- --- -. -.. . .-.
I step out of Buzz Brews Kitchen into the late night air with a belly full of French toast. Clair walks beside me and I tentatively take her hand, interlacing my fingers with hers. She stops dead in her tracks and just stares at me.
“What’s wrong?” A lump forms in my throat.
“You think you can just hold my hand in public like that?” She cocks up an eyebrow.
“Well, I…,” my eyes dart around as I trail off.
She throws her arms around my neck. “No way.” She kisses me deeply and smiles when my arms encircle her. “Much better.” We laugh one of those comfortable laughs that always came so easy to us in the days before she moved away.
I throw an arm around her shoulders and she tucks hers around my waist as we walk to the car. “So, what do you want to do now? Anything you want—just name it and it’s yours.”
She looks up at me and narrows her eyes.
“Dexter Flynn.”
“Hmm?”
“You said, ‘name it and its yours,’ so I’m calling it. You. You’re what I want.” She gives me a coy grin.
“Done.” I wink as I step into the driver’s side. “Anything else?”
“That depends on my options, I guess,” she shrugs.
“The moon? The stars? Well, okay, technically I can’t exactly give you those, but how about anything on planet Earth? I’ll give you anything in the world that would make you happy.” I brush her cheek and start the car.
She seems contemplative and happy on the way back to her place. I know because I feel just the same way.
This woman loves me.
Not some shallow attraction, or some version of lust. This is acceptance, excitement, security, and confidence. This is what real love feels like. I have no hesitation—no fear.
When we get back to her place, she asks what I’m doing tomorrow.
“Hmm, it’s Friday, so, work, I guess. Nothing I can’t move around. What did you have in mind?” I wriggle my eyebrows, hoping she’s thinking of spending the day in bed, or something equally dirty.
“There’s really nothing you wouldn’t give me?” She quirks her brows up in question, and I shake my head no.
“Nothing. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Clair. I’ve waited so damn long…you’re the only woman in the world for me. You own my whole heart. You’ve been in every important yesterday, and I need you to be in every single tomorrow.” It feels incredibly good to be able to tell her the truth.
“Okay, wait right here…oh, and close your eyes.” I sit on the sofa and she laughs, stepping outside.
When she comes back, I can hear her putting something heavy on the coffee table. I’m squirming because I can hardly wait to open my eyes and see what she’s doing.
“Okay, open them.”
I look down at the coffee table at the array of tiles, the ones from the lawn, she has strewn across the table. My brow furrows as I try to work out her meaning.
“You want me to give you that? It’s yours already,” I shake my head, confused.
“Think more literally,” she says, grinning broadly as she points to each letter. F-L-Y-N-N. Then she points to herself.
“Wait, what? Really? That’s what you want?” I lunge forward, grabbing her up and spinning her around. “Fuck yeah! When?”
“Tomorrow? I mean, if you want to, but if it’s up to me, yeah, right now—tonight, even.” Her fingers trace my jaw as she laughs, and I love her with everything I am.
“Are you kidding me? Let’s do it!” I grin wide.
“Really?” Her laugh is more melodic than any music could ever be.
“Clair, did you forget? I have a jet. Grab your passport and let’s do this before you come to your senses.” I kiss her and she wraps herself around me. “In fact,” she gives me a dirty grin, “We can do more of that on the plane. I have always wanted to join the mile-high club and I have a lot of loving you to make up for.”
In Other Words Page 23
