by Cat Clarke
Everything looks eerie and beautiful in the moonlight. It’s a scene you could write poems about, if you were the kind of person who did that sort of thing.
The sound of the water is loud in my ears, drowning out the music and laughter and shouting from the woods. I stand so close to the edge that the toes of my boots are resting on nothing but thin air. It would be so easy to take another step. So tempting.
I think of him. Jumping. Did he change his mind as soon as he jumped?
Falling.
Hitting the rocks.
Did it hurt? What if the last thing he felt was unimaginable pain?
I step back from the edge. I have work to do.
chapter forty-nine
By the time I make it back to the clearing a few more people have arrived. Still, it’s not a huge party – maybe twenty people in total. More a gathering really. Sasha’s nowhere to be seen, so I assume she’s with Posh Boy or some other random guy.
There’s a couple dancing near the fire. As I get closer I see that it’s Amber and Sebastian, grinding away like no one’s looking. Her coat’s nowhere to be seen and her boobs are practically hanging out of her too-tight top. The rest of Sebastian’s mates are lounging around the fire, watching. Amber’s loving the attention. She’ll make an excellent stripper one day.
‘Don’t suppose there’s room for me under there?’ Lucas hugs me close to him and I pull the blanket around his shoulders. ‘Where did you disappear off to? I’ve been looking for you everywhere.’
I bury my face in his neck and breathe him in. There’s a vaguely smoky smell as well as the aftershave he wears because he knows I like it so much. I close my eyes and forget, just for a minute.
‘Do you want another drink? Or I could toast a marshmallow for you?’ He’s always doing this, seeing if I want stuff. Checking I’m OK. Almost like he cares.
‘That’s the best offer I’ve had all day.’ I smile up at him and we look into each other’s eyes for a moment or two.
So we sit on a log by the fire, snuggled up under the blanket. And Lucas toasts some marshmallows and I burn the roof of my mouth a little and he licks some sticky oozy marshmallow off my fingers and it’s all very cute. Anyone watching us would think we’re the perfect couple.
Max and Louise are sitting across the fire from us. You wouldn’t notice anything was wrong unless you were looking, but I’m always looking. Max has his arm around Louise’s shoulders, but his attention is focused on Bugs, who seems to be involved in some sort of drinking challenge (against himself, of all people, since his usual drinking buddy seems intent on spending his evening staring moodily into the fire). Louise keeps getting her phone out every couple of minutes. When she’s not busy texting she’s sipping from a bottle of wine and looking like she’d rather be anywhere but here. I catch her eye once or twice, but she pretends not to notice. Maybe it’s getting to her after all – being close to the bridge.
All of a sudden I’m hit by a massive wave of guilt and I wish more than anything that I’d done what Kai asked me to. I should have looked out for her. Made her talk to me even though she made it abundantly clear she didn’t want to. We could have helped each other, I think. Once we’d got over the whole ‘hating each other’ thing. But it’s too late now. I just have to assume she’s going to be fine. I hope she’ll be OK, I really do.
I’m three beers down when Lucas asks me to dance. I shrug off the blanket and he pulls me to my feet. I normally avoid dancing at all costs, but the music is half decent for the first time all night, and I can’t think of a good reason to say no. Amber and Sebastian are kissing up against a tree on the other side of the clearing. At least, I hope that’s all they’re doing.
Lucas holds me close as we dance. It’s not so much dancing as shuffling from side to side, but it’s the first time we’ve ever danced together. It’s a nice thing to do. I wish I’d had a chance to do it more, maybe in some fancy ballroom with twinkly fairy lights and velvet curtains. I close my eyes and listen to the music and imagine Kai’s arms wrapped around me. He was about the same height as Lucas, a little slimmer though. We would have danced together at the leavers’ ball for sure. Except that wouldn’t have been in some fancy ballroom. It’s always held in the school gym, as if a few pink helium balloons are enough to distract everyone from the smell of boy-sweat.
‘Mind if I cut in?’ Sasha, slurring her words a bit. Lucas looks annoyed, but says nothing.
I step back. ‘He’s all yours.’
Sasha snorts. ‘I don’t want to dance with him, doofus. Been there, done that. I want to dance with you.’
‘Oh. Right.’ Lucas and I exchange a puzzled look, but we both know better than to argue with Sasha.
‘Don’t mind me,’ he says in a tone that makes it quite clear that he certainly minds.
‘Off you go now,’ Sasha shoos him away then puts her arms around me and starts to sway. I think the swaying must be down to the amount of alcohol she’s consumed, because it’s definitely not in time with the music.
‘Boys are rubbish.’ She sticks out her bottom lip and I think I’m supposed to find it endearing.
‘Awww, did Corey or whatever his name is not live up to expectations?’
‘You could say that. There was nothing up about him, if you know what I’m saying.’
‘Oh. Oh.’
‘I was better off with Lucas. He never had any problems in that department … There’s no need to look at me like that! I don’t want him back, if that’s what you’re worried about. Besides, I don’t think I could get him back even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. He’s totally into you … anyone can see that. The way he looks at you when you’re not even looking at him. That boy is one smitten kitten, I’ll tell you that for nothing.’
‘You are completely hammered, aren’t you? No more booze for you tonight, OK? We should get you some water.’
‘You think this is drunk? This isn’t drunk! I’ve been waaaaaay drunkerer. Just ask anyone!’ She rests her head on my shoulder. Some of the others are watching us; Bugs gives me a sympathetic wave. ‘I’m so glad we’re friends, Jem. Just think … if I hadn’t been bawling my eyes out in the toilets that day, we might never have even talked. Thank God for PMS, eh?’
I let her ramble on some more, all the while slowly manoeuvring us towards the others. I sit her down next to Bugs, ask around until I finally get my hands on a bottle of water (a quick sniff to make sure it’s not vodka), and hand it to Sasha with the strict instruction that she drink the lot. Bugs assures me he’ll look after her. He slings his arm around her shoulder and she snuggles into the crook of his arm; the delight on his face couldn’t be any more obvious. She hasn’t been near him since the gay rumours started, so he’s definitely going to make the most of this opportunity.
There’s no room left on any of the logs so Lucas kindly offers me his lap to sit on. I whisper, ‘Sorry about that. She’s pretty wasted.’
He wraps his arms around me. ‘I hate it when she’s like that. And her timing sucks.’
‘Why? Were you about to go all Dirty Dancing on me?’
He laughs and I like the feeling of his breath on my neck. ‘Yup. Nobody puts Jem in a corner.’
I nudge him in the ribs. ‘Wow. You can quote it and everything. Impressive.’
‘If you tell anyone, I’ll never forgive you … but yeah, I might have seen the film once or twice. Or thirteen times. That’s what comes from being raised in a household full of women. At least … that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.’
‘Your secret’s safe with me. I solemnly swear I won’t tell Stu and Bugs the first chance I get.’ I lean back into him and stare into the fire. For a minute or so I forget what I’m going to do. I honestly forget. Too busy getting caught up in how good it feels to sit here with him.
I’m about to say something when he whispers in my ear. ‘Can we go somewhere … to talk?’
This is perfect. ‘Can’t we talk here?’ I’m not going to make it easy for h
im.
‘Um … this is the kind of talking that’s really better done in private.’
‘Fine. Let’s go somewhere private and talk. Let me just grab a blanket. Blankets are always useful whenever talking’s involved, I find.’
chapter fifty
We walk hand in hand through the woods like Hansel and Gretel. I lead us towards the river, retracing my earlier steps. I lay the blanket down on the ground and we sit.
The sitting progresses to lying pretty quickly, mostly because I push Lucas down onto his back and straddle him. I’m fully aware that this is the very last time this is going to happen; I intend to make the most of it. I kiss him like there’s no tomorrow, which is apt because there are very few tomorrows left. It doesn’t seem right that Lucas Mahoney is the first, last and only boy I’ve ever had sex with. The only consolation is that he’s pretty good at it. And at least I won’t die a virgin.
I kiss his neck the way he likes and feel his Adam’s apple move under my lips when he swallows hard. I press my body into his and he groans, but it’s a different, frustrated sort of groan and it stops me in my tracks. I remove my hand from his crotch and look up at him. ‘Er … what’s wrong?’
He closes his eyes and squirms like he’s in pain. ‘Believe it or not, I did actually want to talk to you.’
‘But I thought you wanted to—’
‘Jem, if I wanted to have sex with you, I would have said something like, “Let’s go have sex in the woods.” Not very romantic, I know, but it would have got the point across.’ Lucas never says shagging or fucking. Sometimes I wish he would.
I clamber off him and make a cursory effort to smooth down my tousled hair. ‘OK, I’m listening. What do you want to talk about? Philosophy? Current affairs?’
He sits up and shakes his head, smiling. ‘You’re such a smart-arse, you know that?’
‘Yup, and you love it.’
His smile vanishes and he’s dead serious all of a sudden. ‘I do, actually.’
‘Um … OK.’ I giggle nervously. And the nerves are actually real.
‘I love you, Jem. That’s why I wanted to talk. Well, it’s not so much talking as saying something really. Because you don’t have to say anything back. I just had to say it. So … yeah. I love you. Kind of a lot.’ He doesn’t look away. His eyes are on mine the whole time.
I have no words. Because I think he means it. I mean, he can’t possibly actually love me, because this thing we’re doing isn’t real. But I think he believes it, which is the important thing. Everything has been leading up to this moment, even though I didn’t think it would ever happen. I was working hard towards something that I never dared think possible.
The silence continues, neither of us breaking eye contact. I need to say something soon. Now, in fact. ‘I love you too.’ I don’t stutter or mumble as I say the words. They’re surprisingly easy words to say, when it comes down to it. They trip off the tongue so nicely.
‘Really?’ I wasn’t expecting this. It makes him sound … needy.
‘Yes, really.’
‘I … I wasn’t sure. Of course I hoped you might feel the same, but I … sometimes you seem kind of distant, like you’re thinking about other things when we’re together, but when you’re with me – when you’re really with me – it’s … pretty amazing.’
The talking needs to stop. ‘You’d better kiss me now, Lucas Mahoney.’
He smiles – a smile to rival the sweetest smile I’ve ever known. A smile that I would have given anything to see on Kai’s face in this situation – or any situation. I would kill to see that smile again.
Lucas pulls me towards him gently. He kisses me and it’s all tender and soft. It’s not what I want, but I let him lead the way for a minute or two. Then I push him back down onto the blanket and do things my way.
As I unzip his jeans I realize that I’m angry. I’m angry with him for saying those ridiculous words, and I’m angry with myself for saying them back. I feel like I’ve betrayed myself in some fundamental way. Betrayed Kai.
When we’re doing it I’m trying really, really hard not to think about anything. I try not to think that this is the last time I’ll ever have sex. I try to focus all my thoughts on how good it feels. How powerful I feel when I’m on top of him.
Lucas is close to coming when the cold realization hits me: I’m angry because I feel something. And that something was definitely not part of the Plan.
Those words were easy to say for a reason.
Those words were easy to say because I meant them.
Fuck.
We lie facing each other on the blanket. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and rests his hand on my cheek. There is serious gazing going on here and it’s not all one way.
There are tears fighting to escape, but I won’t let them. Tears would ruin everything.
Eventually I say, ‘We should probably get back to the party. People might think we’ve been eaten by wild bears or something.’
Lucas smiles lazily. ‘I’m sure people have a pretty good idea of what we’ve been doing.’
‘You’re probably right. Still, I think you should go back first. I’ll be right behind you.’
He’s puzzled, which is understandable. But he doesn’t question me. He’s floating on that hazy post-sex cloud.
He tells me he loves me again, and this time I can’t say it back. I just can’t. He doesn’t seem to mind, because I kiss him like I love him.
He leaves me sitting on the red blanket. Alone in the woods.
I wait a few minutes – five, maybe ten. Longer than I should. Am I really going to do this? Am I brave enough to do this with all those people watching?
I think of him. My Kai. Curled up under his desk. Broken and lost.
Yes. I can do this. I must do this.
chapter fifty-one
The first surprise is that a strange sense of calm descends on me as I make my way back to the clearing. I’m ready for this. They can do their worst; I’m immune to whatever they can throw at me. I’ve no doubt that it’s going to be ugly, but that’s fine with me.
The second surprise is that the clearing’s almost empty. There are just six people left. Luckily three of those people happen to be the ones I’m after.
Lucas is standing close to the fire. Stu is sitting against a tree, swigging from a half-empty bottle of whisky. Bugs still has his arm around Sasha. Her head rests on his shoulder and her eyes are closed. I hope she’s not asleep; I wouldn’t want her to miss this. Max is rummaging through the sole remaining cool box for a drink and Louise is watching him. She’s always watching him.
I wander over towards the fire. The flames are different now – paler than before. The heat seems fiercer than it was when we left. ‘Where did everybody go?!’
Bugs looks up, careful not to dislodge Sasha’s head from his shoulder. ‘Amber had a sudden desire to strut her stuff on a real dance floor so she led everyone off like the bloody Pied Piper of Espionage. No prizes for guessing what you were up to. Lukey boy certainly came back with a spring in his step.’ Lucas shoots him a look. Maybe he really does think he has to protect my honour or something. Bugs just laughs. ‘Mate, don’t look at me like that. If you’re gonna get laid as often as this, you have to at least let me take the piss once in a while. It’s all I’ve got, man.’ I’m tempted to point out that he now has Sasha’s drool on his jacket, but I don’t.
I saunter over to the now depleted pile of bags where the stereo was earlier. I hadn’t noticed the silence until now. It’s a peaceful, sleepy kind of silence. And I’m about to shatter it.
I grab my bag and go sit by the fire.
We sit there chatting quietly for a few minutes. Except I’m not really involved in the chatting. Mostly I’m thinking, Am I really going to do this? Really? Maybe in a minute or two. Lucas is on my left-hand side, Max on my right. Stu’s the only one not really part of our little fireside circle – for now. He’s perfected the art of looking mean and moody over there; h
e’ll be meaner and moodier in a matter of minutes. Sasha stirs from her sleep when Bugs accidentally laughs a little too loudly. She yawns and stretches and asks where everybody went. Bugs calls her Sleeping Beauty and she smiles sweetly.
Lucas keeps glancing my way and smiling, like we share a special secret. I look away each time, almost like I’m trying to warn him about what’s coming. Like I want him to know that everything’s not OK, so that it’s not so much of a shock. It doesn’t seem to work though, because he keeps smiling goofily. This isn’t going to be pretty.
No more stalling. I start to speak, but my mouth is so dry I have to clear my throat and start again. Maybe I should have another drink and then do it. But then Bugs says, ‘You all right there, Halliday?’
‘Um. Yeah. I … I’ve got something for you. It’s just …’ I take one of the wrapped packages from my bag and lean over to hand it to Bugs.
He looks thoroughly baffled; the others do too. Bugs laughs – a little awkwardly, I think. ‘I knew it! I knew you were just biding your time with Mahoney until you could get your hands on a real man. What’s this? A scrapbook for us to fill with happy memories of our wonderful future life as Mr and Mrs Bugs? Really, you shouldn’t have!’
Lucas pouts. ‘I’m not sure how I feel about this.’
Bugs shakes his head and looks at Lucas with faux sympathy. ‘Dude, you’re just going to accept that the better man won. I’m sure you’ll get over it, in time.’
I clear my throat again. I could seriously do with some water. Or vodka. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got something for you too. And Stu.’ I hold out two more wrapped parcels. Stu looks over and it’s clear that he couldn’t be less interested in what’s going on. Still, he pulls himself upright and sort of staggers over. He doesn’t sit down though – just stands over me, swaying ever so slightly. He doesn’t say anything, just holds out his hand for the ‘present’. I hand the other parcel to Lucas without looking at him.
