by Tana French
The armchairs looked cozy and I was right on the edge of heading for one of them when my mind slammed on the brakes, hard. I could hear my heart. I had no idea where I was supposed to sit; my head had gone blank. The food, the easy slagging, the comfortable silence with Abby: I had relaxed.
Back in a sec, I said, and hid in the bathroom to let the others narrow things down by taking their places, and to let my knees stop shaking. By the time I could breathe right, my brain had come out of neutral and I knew where my seat was: a low Victorian nursing chair to one side of the fireplace. Frank had shown me photos by the handful. I had known that.
It would have been that easy: sitting down in the wrong chair. Barely four hours.
Justin glanced up, with a faint worried furrow between his eyebrows, when I went back into the sitting room, but nobody said anything. My books were spread out on a low table by my chair: thick historical references, a dog-eared copy of Jane Eyre open face-down across a lined notepad, a yellowing pulp novel called She Dressed to Kill by Rip Corellipresumably non-thesis-related, although who knewwith a cover picture of a pneumatic lady wearing a slit skirt and a gun in her garter (She drew men like honey draws flies . . . and then she swatted them!). My pena blue Biro, the end covered with toothmarkswas still where I had put it down midsentence, that Wednesday night.
I watched the others over my book for any signs of edginess, but they had all settled to reading with an instant, trained concentration that was almost intimidating. Abby, in an armchair with her feet up on a little embroidered footstoolher restoration project, probablyflipped pages briskly and twisted a lock of hair round her finger. Rafe sat across the fire from me in the other armchair; every now and then he put his book down and leaned forwards to poke the fire or add another chunk of wood. Justin lay on the sofa with his notepad propped on his chest, scribbling, occasionally murmuring something or huffing to himself or clicking his tongue disapprovingly. There was a frayed tapestry of a hunting scene on the wall behind him; he should have looked incongruous beneath it, with his corduroys and his little rimless glasses, but somehow he didnt, not at all. Daniel sat at the card table, his dark head bent under the glow of a tall lamp, only moving to deliberately, unhurriedly turn a page. The heavy green velvet curtains were open and I imagined how we would look, to a watcher in the dark garden beyond; how securely wrapped in our firelight and concentration; how bright and tranquil, like something from a dream. For a sharp, dizzying second I envied Lexie Madison.
Daniel felt me watching; he lifted his head and smiled at me, across the table. It was the first time Id seen him smile, and it had an immense, grave sweetness to it. Then he bent his head over his book again.
* * *
I went to bed early, around ten, partly as a character choice and partly because Frank had been right, I was wrecked. My brain felt like it had just done a triathlon. I shut Lexies bedroom door (smell of lily of the valley, a subtle little eddy swirling up my shoulder and round the neck of my T-shirt, curious and watchful) and leaned back against it. For a second I thought I wasnt going to make it as far as the bed, Id just slide down the door and be asleep before I hit the carpet. This was harder than I remembered, and I didnt think it was because I was getting old or losing my touch or any of the other appealing possibilities OKelly would have suggested. Last time I had been the one calling the shots, deciding who I needed to hang out with, for how long, how close I needed to get. This time Lexie had called them all for me and I didnt have a choice: I had to follow her rules to the letter, listen hard and nonstop like she was on a faint crackly earpiece and let her run me.
I had had this feeling before, on some of my least favorite investigations: Someone else is running this show. Most of them hadnt ended well. But then it had always been the killer, a smug three steps ahead of us all the way. I had never had a case where that someone else was the victim.
One thing, though, felt easier. Last time, in UCD, every word out of my mouth had left a nasty taste behind, something tainted and wrong, like bread gone moldy. Like I said, I dont like lying. This time, though, everything Id said left nothing except the clean-cotton taste of true. The only possible reasons I could come up with were that I was fooling the living bejasus out of myselfrationalization is a major part of the undercovers skill setor that, in some tangled way that ran deeper and surer than cold hard fact, I wasnt lying. As long as I did this right, almost everything I said was the truth, just Lexies rather than mine. I decided it would probably be a wise move to peel myself off the door and go to bed before I started thinking too hard about either of those possibilities.
Her room was on the top floor, at the back of the house, across from Daniel and above Justin. It was midsized, low-ceilinged, with plain white curtains and a rickety wrought-iron single bed that screeched like an ancient mangle when I sat down on itif Lexie had managed to get pregnant in that thing, respect to her. The duvet cover was blue and freshly ironed; someone had changed my sheets. She didnt have a lot of furniture: a bookshelf, a narrow wooden wardrobe with helpful strips of tin on the shelves to tell you what went where (HATS, STOCKINGS), a crap plastic lamp on a crap bedside table, and a wooden dressing table with dusty scrollwork and a three-way mirror, which reflected my face at confusing angles and gave me the creeps in all the predictable ways. I considered covering it up with a sheet or something, but that would have taken some explaining, and anyway I couldnt shake the feeling that the reflection would keep doing its own thing behind there, just the same.
I unlocked my bag, keeping a sharp ear out for any noise on the stairs, and dug out my new gun and the roll of surgical tape for my bandages. Even at home, I dont sleep without my gun handyold habit, and not one I felt like breaking right at that moment. I taped the gun to the back of the bedside table, out of sight but in easy reach. No cobwebs, not even a film of dust on the back of the table: the Bureau had been there before me.
Before I put on Lexies blue pajamas, I peeled off the fake bandage, unclipped the mike and stashed the whole shebang at the bottom of my bag. Somewhere Frank was going into a full-blown conniption about this, but I didnt care; I had reasons.
Going to sleep on your first night undercover is something you never forget. All day youve been pure concentrated control, watching yourself as sharply and ruthlessly as you watch everyone and everything around you; but come night, alone on a strange mattress in a room where the air smells different, youve got no choice but to open your hands and let go, fall into sleep and into someone elses life like a pebble falling through cool green water. Even your first time, you know that in that second something irreversible will start happening, that in the morning youll wake up changed. I needed to go into that bare, with nothing from my own life on my body, the way woodcutters children in fairy tales have to leave their protections behind to enter the enchanted castle; the way votaries in old religions used to go naked to their initiation rites.
I found a beautiful, illustrated, fragile old edition of the Brothers Grimm in the bookshelf and took it to bed with me. The others had given it to Lexie on her birthday, last year: the flyleaf said, in slanted, flowing fountain penJustins writing, I was almost sure3/1/04. Happy Birthday YOUNG girl (when are you going to grow up??). Love, and their four names.
I sat in bed with the book on my knees, but I couldnt read. Every now and then the quick muffled rhythms of conversation seeped up from the sitting room, and outside my window the garden was alive: wind in leaves, a fox barking and an owl on the hunt, rustles and calls and scuffles everywhere. I sat there and looked around Lexie Madisons strange little room, and listened.
A little before midnight, the stairs creaked and there was a discreet tap on my door. I leaped halfway to the ceiling, grabbed at my bag to make sure it was zipped up all the way and called, Come in.
Its me, said Daniel or Rafe or Justin, close behind the door, too soft for me to tell which one it was. Just saying go
od night. Were going to bed.
My heart was pounding. Night, I called. Sleep tight.
Voices tossed up and down the long flights of stairs, sourceless and intertwining like crickets chorus, gentle as fingers on my hair. Night, they said, good night, sleep well. Welcome back, Lexie. Yes, welcome back. Good night. Sweet dreams.
* * *
I sleep lightly and I have good ears. Sometime in the night I woke up, instantly and completely. Across the hall, in Daniels room, someone was whispering.
I held my breath, but the doors were thick and all I could make out was the flicker of sibilants in the dark; no words, no voices. I reached out my arm from under the covers, carefully, and found Lexies phone on the bedside table. 3:17 a.m.
I followed the faint double trail of whispers, weaving between the bat shrills and the rolls of wind, for a long time. It was two minutes to four when I heard the slow grate of a doorknob turning, and then the soft click as Daniels door closed. A breath of sound across the landing, almost imperceptible, like a shadow moving against blackness; then nothing.
6
Footsteps woke me, thumping downstairs. I had been dreaming, something dark and messy, and it took me a wild second to disentangle my mind and figure out where I was. My gun wasnt beside my bed and I was grabbing for it, starting to panic, when I remembered.
I sat up in bed. Apparently nothing had been poisoned, after all; I felt fine. The smell of a fry-up was creeping under the door, and I could hear the brisk morning rhythm of voices, somewhere far below. Shit: I had missed cooking breakfast. It had been so long since Id managed to sleep past six, I hadnt bothered to set Lexies alarm. I stuck the mike-bandage back on, pulled on jeans and a T-shirt and a mammoth sweater that looked like it had belonged to one of the ladsthe air was freezingand went downstairs.
The kitchen was at the back of the house, and it had improved a lot since Lexies scary movie. Theyd got rid of the mold and the cobwebs and the scummy linoleum; instead there was a flagstoned floor, a scrubbed wooden table, a pot of ragged geraniums on the windowsill behind the sink. Abby, in a red-flannel dressing gown with the hood pulled up, was flipping bacon and sausages. Daniel was at the table, fully dressed, reading a book pinned under the edge of his plate and eating fried eggs with methodical enjoyment. Justin was slicing his toast into triangles and complaining.
Honestly, Ive never seen anything like it. Last week only two of them had done the reading; the rest just sat there staring and chewing gum, like a pack of cows. Are you sure you dont want to swap, just for today? Maybe you could get more out of them
No, Daniel said, without looking up.
But yours are doing the sonnets. I know the sonnets. Im good at the sonnets.
No.
Morning, I said, in the doorway.
Daniel nodded at me gravely and went back to his book. Abby waved the spatula. Morning, you.
Sweetie, Justin said. Come here. Let me look at you. How are you feeling?
Fine, I said. Sorry, Abby; I slept it out. Here, give me that
I reached for the spatula, but she whipped it away. No, youre grand; you still count as walking wounded. Tomorrow Ill come up and haul you out of bed. Sit.
That split second againwounded: Daniel and Justin seemed to pause, suspended midbite. Then I sat down at the table and Justin reached for another slice of toast, and Daniel turned a page and shoved a red enamel teapot across to me.
Abby flipped three rashers and two eggs onto a plate, without asking, and came over to put it in front of me. Oh, brrr, she said, hurrying back to the cooker. Jesus. Daniel, I know about you and double-glazing, but seriously, we should at least think about windows that would
Double-glazing is the spawn of Satan. Its hideous.
Yes, but its warm. If were not getting carpets
Justin was nibbling toast, chin on hand, gazing at me closely enough to make me nervous. I concentrated on my food. Are you sure youre all right? he asked anxiously. You look pale. Youre not going in today, are you?
I dont think so, I said. I wasnt sure I was ready for a full day of this, not yet. And, also, I wanted a chance to check out the house in private; I wanted that diary, or date book, or whatever it was. Im supposed to take it easy for another few days. That reminds me, though: whats been happening with my tutorials? Tutorials officially end at the Easter holidays, but there are always a few that, for whatever reason, drag on into the summer term. I had two groups left, one on Tuesdays and one on Thursdays. I wasnt looking forward to them.
We covered them, Abby said, loading a plate for herself and joining us at the table, in a manner of speaking. Daniel did Beowulf with your Thursday bunch. In the original.
Beautiful, I said. Howd they take it?
Not too badly, really, Daniel said. At first they were aghast, but eventually one or two of them came up with some intelligent comments. It was quite interesting.
Rafe stumbled in with his hair sticking up in clumps, wearing a T-shirt and striped pajama bottoms and apparently navigating by radar. He waved at the room in general, fumbled for a mug, poured himself a lot of black coffee, snagged a triangle of Justins toast and wandered out again.
Twenty minutes! Justin yelled after him. Im not waiting for you! Rafe flipped a hand backwards, over his shoulder, and kept going.
I dont know why you bother, Abby said, slicing sausage. In five minutes he wont even remember seeing you. After the coffee. With Rafe, always after the coffee.
Yes, but then he moans that I havent given him enough time to get ready. I mean it, this time Im leaving him behind, and if hes late then thats his problem. He can get a car of his own or he can walk to town, I dont care
Every morning, Abby said to me, across Justin, who was making outraged gestures with his butter knife.
I rolled my eyes. Outside the French windows behind her head, a rabbit was nibbling the lawn, leaving little dark scatters of paw prints in the white dew.
* * *
Half an hour later, Rafe and Justin leftJustin pulled up his car in front of the house and sat there, beeping the horn and shouting inaudible threats out the window, until Rafe finally bounded into the kitchen with his coat half on and his knapsack swinging wildly from one hand, grabbed another slice of toast, shoved it between his teeth and dashed out again, slamming the front door hard enough to shake the house. Abby washed up, singing to herself in a rich contralto undertone: The water is wide, I cannot get oer . . . Daniel smoked an unfiltered cigarette, thin plumes curling up through the pale rays of sun from the window. Theyd relaxed around me; I was in.
I should have felt a lot better about this than I did. It hadnt occurred to me that I might like these people. Daniel and Rafe, I wasnt sure about yet, but Justin had a warmth to him that was even more endearing because it was so fussy and unpracticed, and Frank had been right about Abby: if things had been different, I would have wanted her for a friend.
They had just lost one of their own and they didnt even know it, and there was still a chance it had been due to me; and I was sitting in their kitchen, eating their fry-up and messing with their heads. Last nights suspicionshemlock steak, Jesusseemed so ridiculous and Gothic that I wanted to cringe.
Daniel, we should start moving, Abby said eventually, checking the clock and wiping her hands on the dish towel. Want anything from the outside world, Lex?
Smokes, I said. Im almost out.
She fished a pack of Marlboro Lights out of her dressing-gown pocket and tossed it to me. Have these. Ill pick up more on the way in. What are you going to do all day?
Be a sloth on the sofa and read and eat. Are there biscuits?
Those vanilla cream ones you like, in the biscuit tin, and chocolate chip in the freezer. She flipped the dish towel into a neat fold a
nd slung it over the bar of the cooker. Youre sure you dont want someone to stay home with you?
Justin had already asked me about six times. I raised my eyes to the ceiling. Positive.
I caught Abbys quick glance across my head to Daniel, but he was turning a page and paying no attention to us. Fair enough, she said. Dont faint down the stairs or anything. Five minutes, Daniel?
Daniel nodded, without looking up. Abby ran upstairs, light in her sock feet; I heard her opening and closing drawers and, after a minute, starting to sing to herself again. I leaned my back up against an oak, I thought it was a trusty tree . . .
