by Ella M. Lee
Seeing my own name on the report sent a jolt of adrenaline through me.
...caught in the backdraft of elemental barrier collapse [...] underwater for approximately four minutes [...] not breathing when retrieved [...] ultimately revived after approximately two minutes.
Despite reliving the traumatizing memories, it was endearing to read just how effective everyone in the group was at working together, and what powerful skills they all brought to the table. The operation wouldn’t have been possible without Keisha’s spatial magic to get us there instantaneously, or Teng’s elemental abilities, or whatever network of spies Nicolas had within Smoke. I knew Sylvio’s, Nicolas’s, and Daniel’s fighting skills were critical, and without Chandra and Irina, Daniel may very well have died.
In fact, I was the only one who didn’t seem to belong. I hadn’t done anything other than charge in recklessly and nearly drown. Nicolas had told me to run the operation from the boat, and I had abandoned my role. I didn’t feel like I deserved anyone’s thanks.
Nicolas was watching me, his eyes dark. He said nothing—not in this crowded room—but I knew he heard my thoughts.
When enough time had passed that everyone had read the report, Nicolas snapped his fingers for our attention.
“Welcome back, Farhad,” he said dryly. “Nice entrance.”
Everyone laughed, and Farhad offered a shy smile, blushing. “Thank you, all,” he said with a slight bow of his head.
“Although it ended poorly, Farhad’s core mission was actually a resounding success,” Nicolas said. “He managed to retrieve scans of the books we needed from Smoke’s auxiliary library, and now we have some paths open for continued Shatterfall planning. Thank you for that, Farhad.
“Furthermore,” he continued, “recovering Farhad after capture was messy but effective. Thank you to Daniel, Sylvio, Teng, Fiona, Keisha, Irina, and Chandra. And thank you to Ryan for organizing the report while Teng and Daniel were out of commission. Bonuses will be distributed to you all for your work.
“I’m not going to carry on about what happened. You’ve all read the details. It’s enough to say that I cannot think of anyone I’d rather have at my side than all of you, and our successes are because of your hard work, talents, and love.”
Nicolas’s eyes met mine as he spoke the last word, and I smiled faintly. Neither of us had actually said the word “love” to one another in the eight or so weeks since I had come to Water, but it would be a lie to say I didn’t feel that way about him.
Yes, love, I thought at him, holding his gaze. I love you. That’s why I went down there after you.
I knew he caught the words. His eyes widened the slightest bit, the only tiny betrayal of his unshakeable calm.
The rest of the meeting was dull in comparison to yesterday’s wild ride and compared to the fact that I had just told Nicolas I loved him.
The sheer terror of that hit me about one minute afterward, when I realized that he didn’t have a way of responding in the middle of the meeting, and I was wholly unsure of his feelings.
In typical Nicolas fashion, he continued as calmly as ever. Nothing he said or did implied any positive or negative feelings toward me. This was fairly traditional between us. Unless it was just the two of us, Nicolas and I tended to act very professional together.
But right now, I wanted anything but professionalism. I wanted to see even the tiniest hint of how he felt.
I was only momentarily distracted when Teng and Cameron reported on Derek.
“Derek is smart,” Cam said, frowning unhappily. “He’s gone completely underground. I thought we’d see him pop up in Meteor, but if he has, Sylvio’s contacts haven’t heard of it.”
“I’m not worried,” Nicolas said, waving his hand casually. “We’ll find him eventually, or he’ll find us. And if he doesn’t? Well, that will be the smartest thing he’s ever done.”
“What if he’s planning something bigger?” Daniel asked.
Nicolas shrugged. “We’ll handle it. We always do.”
I loved Nicolas’s confidence—he was completely decisive and logical and in control. It was one of his most attractive features, but it also made me wonder about his stance on love.
Did he love me? Was that calm, cold man even capable of love? Did he think my declaration was stupid or unnecessary or premature? Had he just been having fun with me these few weeks? Daniel had once told me that he’d never seen Nicolas in a serious relationship, and Nicolas himself had told me relationships were hard for him.
But when we were together, I had never been happier, and he seemed the same. His hands on me expressed love, even if he had never said the word. The way he looked at me made me feel like I was a beautiful sunset, a vast shimmering ocean, a field of flowers. Something to never tear your eyes from.
And I did love him. I didn’t care that he could read minds, that he could see the future, that he was a dangerous and powerful force of nature. When I was with him, none of that mattered.
So what was I worried about?
My chest was a tangle of anxiety for the remaining seventy minutes of the meeting while official business was conducted. I tried to focus, but really, I was just wondering exactly how poorly my words might have been received.
What if I had misread everything?
Daniel, perceptive as ever, sensed my anxiety. He kept shooting me odd looks, but I pointedly ignored him.
Nicolas made a beeline for me when the meeting broke up for dinner, catching my hand in his. Everyone else was clustered around the buffet of food.
Why so flustered, Fiona? His calm voice filled my head. Worried I won’t echo your sentiments?
I looked up at him, alarmed. He laughed softly at my expression, shaking his head.
I love you, too. His voice was a soft caress in the corners of my mind. That’s why I went down there after you.
It was late before Nicolas and I were alone again.
“Come here, lamb,” Nicolas said, pulling me against him the second we shut his apartment door.
I wanted to say so many things—that I was sorry for not obeying him during the operation, that I was so grateful he had saved me yet again, that I didn’t deserve his love or support. None of those words would come.
“Seeing you yesterday, drowned, not breathing…” he said in my ear. “Mon Dieu, I didn’t think I would be able to keep myself together.”
“I did not expect to live through that,” I said, shaking.
He picked me up, sitting on the couch with me in his lap, holding me close. “That’s twice now you’ve almost died in my care.”
“Third time’s a charm?” I said, smiling up at him.
“Don’t you dare,” he said, his eyes dark and his voice harsh.
“Don’t be angry with me.”
“Fiona, I’m not angry.”
“Shouldn’t you be? I disobeyed you. I almost died,” I whispered. “You’re my commander, you asked me to stay up there and run the show. I didn’t.”
“You saved Daniel, and you saved me,” he countered. “I don’t want to have this conversation. You improvised with the knowledge you had, when I wasn’t there to make the decision. It worked. Every single member of my group is smart and capable of controlling a situation. You did that when I needed it most. Let’s move on.”
“Is it difficult to step aside and let your group members work alone in these situations? Like trusting Teng to hold the barrier, or trusting Irina to heal Dan?”
“Of course,” he said. “There’s nothing I would like more than to step in and do everything myself, but I can’t. Instead, I’ve done my best to train people I trust and use them when appropriate. It has largely worked in my favor, and I get better results from my group than other commanders get from theirs. I hadn’t ever lost a person until Andres.”
I looked away. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s done,” he said, “and I gained you. It was bittersweet in that regard.”
He tilted my chin up and kiss
ed me deeply. I yielded to his touch, every one of my tense muscles uncoiling against him. I was thankful for his forgiveness.
“I love you,” I said, trying the words aloud. They felt great.
“And I love you,” he responded, his smile brilliant and elated. “I am honored to know you feel that for me, truly.”
“Please hold me,” I whispered, pressing my face into his shirt again, his steady heartbeat in my ears. “I need to feel your calm. I need some of it for myself.”
I felt broken.
“Anything for you,” he said, his arms tightening around me.
I didn’t hear from Daniel the next day, or the day after, or the day after that. He hadn’t answered my texts, and I couldn’t find him in any of his usual spots within the clan house. On the fourth day, I brought it up with Nicolas. He was strangely unconcerned.
“I told him he could drop off the map,” Nicolas said when I asked if it was really appropriate that his lieutenant not answer his phone. “I know how to track him down if I need him. He deserves a break. He’s been working double time since Andres’s death, training you and taking care of more tasks than usual. It’s always hard to get him to slow down. I’ll take any opportunity I can get to send him off for some rest.”
I couldn’t admit it aloud, but I missed Daniel, and I was a little hurt that he hadn’t even bothered telling me he was going dark. It proved to me that there was still a lot about him that I didn’t understand, a lot of ways in which there were still gaps to bridge between us.
“Don’t worry, Fiona,” Nicolas said. “I’ll keep you occupied until he gets back. How about you train with me this morning?”
“In bed?” I asked, giving him a playful push.
He smiled. “No such luck. Sparring. I want to see if Daniel truly has improved your skills.”
“Mon Dieu,” I said, stealing his favorite phrase.
“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet,” he said, smiling excitedly.
It was no surprise that Nicolas beat me into the ground during each of our six sparring matches. He was a fighter of the finest caliber, and going up against me was pitiful and embarrassing and a waste of time. I barely managed to block his attacks, and I rarely landed an offensive strike on him, even though he was clearly going easy on me.
Nonetheless, he was pleased with my performance, and I was always glad to spend time with him. I had to admit, seeing him shirtless and sweating and entirely masculine ignited some sort of primal desire in me.
“It’s a luxury having someone join my group who is even halfway decently trained,” he told me at the end of our final round. “Starting someone from scratch is so much harder.”
“You owe me,” I said, breathless, glaring up at his radiant face from where I had fallen to the floor after his final kick.
“I’ll make it up to you tonight,” he said, offering me a hand up.
“How about right now?” I asked, sliding my fingers lightly over his bare chest, down to the hem of his pants, hooking them over the fabric. His skin was hot and slick and very appealing.
“Here?” he asked, his eyes on me hungrily.
“Why not?”
“Why not, indeed?” he echoed, spinning me and backing me against the wall eagerly.
Sex with Nicolas was usually teasing, but today it was quick and fierce, each thrust of him into me leaving me yearning for more. The way he moved against me left no doubt about how much he wanted me, and as usual, I was begging him to finish me at the end.
Afterward, he held me in his arms while my body twitched in pleasure. I loved the feeling of his skin on mine.
“I should… I have to…” I began, panting. “I need to get to the library.”
But he was still brushing his lips over my neck and collarbone, and I could barely think about anything except his attention.
I did eventually end up at the library, but I was distracted the entire day by the feeling of Nicolas’s arms around me, holding me while he filled me inch by inch.
Daniel found me in the library shortly before dinner that night. I had earphones in, busy and focused, and he had to wave his hand in front of my face before I noticed he was there. I flicked my eyes up for a moment and then back down to my reading. He looked well, less haggard and tense than usual.
Seeing how relaxed he was sparked a strange pang of jealousy in me. I was upset I couldn’t make him look that way, that I was really just a drain on him instead.
That’s why he left, to get away from you for a few days, I told myself. Nicolas said he was overworked, after all.
He sat down in the chair across from me and folded his arms over his chest. I sighed, removing my earphones. He wasn’t going to leave if I ignored him. He had an amazing capacity to stare someone down for an indefinite amount of time.
“Hey, Fi,” he said evenly. “What have you been up to?”
“Are you asking as my lieutenant and trainer or as my friend?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Friend.”
“Then you can kindly fuck off,” I said, directing my attention back to my book.
I had never spoken to him like that before, and he was taken aback. He hesitated, his expression confused.
“What is this about?” he asked finally, clearly hurt.
“You could have said goodbye. You could have sent a text before disappearing, before just leaving,” I said.
I looked away carefully. I would not cry. That would be stupid.
“I needed a quick break, Fi. I didn’t abandon you. I took a vacation. You could have asked Nico where I was if you wanted to know,” he said, his tone annoyed and defensive.
“Do we need a middleman in our friendship, then?”
He flinched, his jaw tight. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d care. Really. Even Nico doesn’t keep tabs on me now that I’m an adult.”
I didn’t respond.
“Come on,” he said, imploring. “Go easy on me?”
I rolled my eyes. “Like how you so often go easy on me?”
He laid his palms flat on the table, leaning in. “Sorry, Fi,” he said. “I really, really am. I won’t—”
Daniel cut himself off as I stood, closed my book, and walked out of the library.
I didn’t look back to see his reaction.
“You’re distracted,” Nicolas said, watching me push wontons around in my bowl at our favorite noodle restaurant dive near the clan house.
“I’ve been distracted all day,” I said, “remembering what you did to me this morning after sparring.”
“Yes, that was fun…” he agreed. “But right now, you’re thinking about Daniel.”
I huffed. “Have I mentioned that having a boyfriend who can read minds is sort of annoying?”
“Trust me, I know exactly how annoying everyone finds it,” he said, sighing.
“So… you knew where he was?” I asked, after a few silent minutes. My tone was accusatory.
“Don’t turn your anger on me,” Nicolas said, holding up a placating hand. “There are a few spots Daniel likes to go when he wants to get away. I figured he was probably in one of them.”
“And here I am… I didn’t even know he likes to get away. I don’t know his favorite places. Some friend, huh?” I asked.
“You’ve only been friends for about six weeks,” Nicolas said gently. “I’ve known him almost six years, and I can read his mind. It’s different.”
“He just ignored me,” I said, looking away. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”
“Daniel is quite complex. He’s lonelier than he seems. He hasn’t had many people there for him in his life, and sometimes that shows through,” Nicolas said. “He’s a very kind person, but he had a different upbringing than you. A few years ago, he was merely a sad, scared kid. Don’t punish him for that. He’s still learning.”
I said nothing, considering that.
“Would you like some advice?” Nicolas asked. The sentence was phrased as a question, but I d
idn’t think saying no was an option.
“Sure, why not?”
“Dan works better with clear instructions. Not that he doesn’t understand subtleties. He certainly does—better than most people—but I think you’ll find he’ll be more receptive to your concerns if you are direct and not passive-aggressive,” Nicolas said. “Tell him exactly why you’re angry and listen to what he has to say. Give him the chance to explain. If you hurt the relationship in anger, you’re breaking his trust as much as he broke yours. Do you want that?”
I sighed. “You’re right. Of course you’re right. How did you become so annoyingly wise?”
“Practice. Years and years of practice. A component of my job as a commander is mediation. Some members of my group are quite young, others are stubborn. Some are both. Remember, you’re a decade older than Daniel. He doesn’t have your wisdom yet.”
“And I don’t have yours,” I said.
I was only twenty-nine years old to Nicolas’s forty-five. I was practically as young to him as Dan was.
“Yes, you could be Dan’s naggy sister. You’re both so alike,” Nicolas said, smiling. “Is it worth making him suffer? He does love you. You know that.”
I frowned, taking out my phone to text Daniel.
Hey, I’m sorry. Can we talk?
His reply took a few minutes.
Yeah. I’m home. Come over?
Violet and I once got into an argument. It was worse than any previous argument we’d had, probably because it was about a man. She was dating a guy that I hated. I thought he was a cruel blockhead—Flame seemed to attract a shocking number of those—but she liked him for whatever reason and resented my sarcastic and derogatory comments.
We didn’t speak outside of clan business for a month. When we finally managed to remove the wedge between us, I found it had left tiny, annoying splinters that wouldn’t go away. Violet never talked about relationships with me again, at least not with any seriousness. We had so much to talk about between us that it hardly mattered, but it had hurt to realize, nonetheless. I hadn’t known how to get that piece back. Reassembling a broken vase of trust was not easy.
