“My father told me you’re not pleased about his proposal,” she said.
He glanced over at her then looked away with a shrug. He tossed a small stone into the loch and stared down at the water as if it held all the answers. “You’re my wife. I suppose I got used to the idea and had settled into it.”
She nodded and tossed a stick for Rascal before she took a seat next to Bryce. She picked up her own pile of stones and tossed one into the water next to his. The rings overlapped one another and then faded off into nothing.
Just like them. Their lives had overlapped for a time, but it was time for the ripples to fade and come to peace.
“I have the chance to meet a man who doesn’t need to settle. There might be someone out there who actually wants me and could truly love me.”
“Dorie, if you came out here to talk about you being with another man, I’ll tell you that it’s just going to make me angrier.”
“Is that it, then? Possession? You don’t want me for yourself, but you don’t want anyone else to have me, either?” She had truly thought he’d want her to be happy.
He winced and shook his head. “I hope I’m not that selfish. You deserve happiness. I just thought you were happy here. With me.”
“I was. I am. But you’ve told me it can never be more than physical between us. And while I enjoy the pleasure of your touch, I know there’s something missing. Something I want for myself very badly.”
He nodded but didn’t look any happier.
“You can find any lass to give you pleasure, Bryce. I would never think I’m special in that way, or in any way, really.”
But that was what she wanted more than anything. After years of being shut away in her room, forgotten, she wanted someone to see her. To want her.
“And if you’re carrying our child, you would consider keeping the bairn from me?” He glared down at the water and threw in a stone with more effort, causing a splash.
“I would do whatever you wished. Whatever was better for our child.” She realized then they weren’t necessarily the same thing. Would it make sense to raise a child with a man who couldn’t love them the way they deserved? To sentence someone else, her child, to her lot in life? It wasn’t fair.
He nodded and threw another stone, not looking at her. “I’m not one to give up on things.”
“If you think it’s a failure to give up on this marriage, you’re wrong. You didn’t fail me. You were kind. You gave me a home and made me feel things I never imagined. I’ve never been happier in my life.” She sighed. “But I know there’s more to being married. I see it with Lach and Kenna, and Cam and Mari. The way they look at each other… I want that for myself.”
Bryce swallowed and finally looked at her. He kept looking. She met his gaze and waited. Eventually he let out a breath and nodded. “Then you should not settle for someone who canna give ye what you want. I hope you find what you’re looking for in England.”
“I have your blessing to go with my father?”
“Aye. But if you are carrying my babe, I ask that you come back. That we continue on as we were. I can’t stand the thought that I’d have a child out in the world I didn’t know.”
Dorie thought of her own father unknowingly going about his life without being aware Dorie existed. “Of course. I will write to you when I know for sure.”
When he said nothing else, she took his hand and squeezed it. “Thank you for everything, Bryce.”
He cleared his throat and squeezed her hand back. “Thank you for making me laugh again.”
She took pleasure in knowing she’d made his life better in some small way. With a smile on her face, she left him to his boulder to go share the news with her father.
On the trail, Rascal caught up with her and whined. She stopped, in case he was warning her of danger, but his ears were still down as he tilted his head and looked back toward Bryce.
“Come now. We must get ready for a long trip. We’re going to England.”
Another whine as he turned in a circle toward the loch. With a sharp pain in her chest, she realized her dog belonged here. While she was at her father’s country estate, Rascal would have rabbits to hunt and a place to run. But when they went to London he would not be able to come with her.
“You should stay here with him. He needs someone in his life to look after him when I’m no longer here to do it.”
As she continued on her trek to the castle alone, a few tears fell. She was glad to have a chance for a happy future, but she also realized how much she’d been hoping Bryce would say he couldn’t live without her and wanted her to stay here with him.
She took a deep breath and moved on.
…
It took a few days for the viscount to prepare for the trip back to London. Bryce thought the delay might have been to give him enough time to change his mind, or for Dorie to change hers, but that didn’t happen.
Bryce had come to terms with the idea. The selfish part of him eased and he was able to see how this plan was best for Dorie. How she deserved to be happy, and since he couldn’t be the man to make her dreams come true, he needed to release her and let her go.
It still angered him to think of another man touching her the way he had. To envision another man causing her to squeal and gasp in delight. But he managed to push those parts of the plan aside to focus on Dorie and her needs.
The entire process would have been easier if everyone would just leave him alone, but of course that didn’t happen.
Her father found him out in the stables preparing his horse for a ride. Bryce was planning to check the borders, and when Dorien began hinting of going for a ride before his long journey in the cramped carriage, Bryce relented and invited the man to go with him.
He and Dorien left through the gates alone other than the hound that lumbered along next to them. Bryce expected the viscount to have outriders with him, especially after the last time when he’d been injured, but no one came along. Dorien Sutherland was a fancy lord and, from the number of men he’d brought with him to Scotland, all of England would fall to ruin if he weren’t to return. But Bryce was glad for the privacy as they crossed the field in silence. Though he still hadn’t figured out how to approach what he needed to say.
They rode quietly for most of the morning. Spring was coming upon the Highlands, and the singing birds had returned. The trees remained bare, but the ends of the branches held tight buds, promising an explosion of color in the next month. And Dorie would miss it.
Damn if he couldn’t stop thinking of all the things she wouldn’t be able to experience with him.
Eventually they stopped to fill their flasks at a stream.
“This is beautiful country. I almost hate to leave,” the viscount said.
Bryce nodded but said nothing.
Dorien lifted a brow. “That was your opportunity to suggest I tarry so you would have more time to convince Dorie to stay.”
“I can’t ask her to stay.” Bryce sniffed and shook his head. “I’ve given my blessing for you to take her to England, and I’ve agreed to an annulment after she’s certain she’s not increasing. I’ll not go back on my word.”
“Truly?” The other man looked genuinely surprised. “I didn’t think you would give her up so easily.”
Had his offer been something as drastic as a father’s test? If so, it hadn’t worked the way he’d planned. He hadn’t forced Bryce to acknowledge feelings he’d ignored, but rather it had made clear that Bryce had gotten too close and needed to back off.
“I was taken aback by your offer initially. But after I had some time to think it over, I think it’s for the best.” That may have been an overstatement. In truth, Bryce’s stomach was tied in knots to know he’d never see her again.
“I see.” The man frowned. “I have to admit, I didn’t think you’d agree.”
“You thought me a selfish bastard?” Bryce couldn’t blame him.
“I thought perhaps you would realize you want her.”
Ah. So it had been a test. Or at least an enlightening.
“I know you’re probably used to having people do what you want them to do. I’m sorry I wasn’t easier to manipulate into doing your bidding.”
The other man chuckled. “It’s not what I expected, but I’m not disappointed. If you truly don’t want her, it’s better that we go. She deserves a full life.”
Bryce didn’t tell the viscount how much he did want her to stay. Especially since his reasons were selfish and of the carnal variety. He enjoyed having Dorie in his bed. She was lovely, and even after they’d taken their pleasure, he liked holding her and laughing with her. He’d missed the closeness of a lover. But he couldn’t love her the way she needed and deserved to be loved. So he would let her go.
“This is the best thing for both of us,” he said firmly, more to convince himself than her father.
“Very well. We’ll leave for England tomorrow. Once we’re certain she’s not carrying your child, I’ll have the annulment papers drawn up and sent to you for your signature.”
“Thank you for giving her what I can’t,” Bryce managed to say, though his chest grew tight.
Dorien shook his head. “In truth, I fear I may be making a mess of things. It’s obvious she loves you. It may be too late for her heart to heal from that. We both know too well what that’s like.”
“I’ve given her no reason to love me,” Bryce said.
“You know it doesn’t work that way.”
Indeed, he knew.
…
Bryce wasn’t coming.
Dorie stood in the bailey outside her father’s fancy carriage looking for her husband, but he wasn’t there to see her off.
He hadn’t come to their bed the night before, either, and she’d wanted to touch him one last time. Wanted to feel his warmth and sleep next to him.
Strange how she’d come to take those things for granted. Had she known the last time was truly the last, she would have savored every moment and burned them into her memory.
Kenna stepped closer and drew her into a tight embrace. “I’m so glad things worked out with your father. I just wish he wouldn’t be taking you away from us. I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you all as well. I’ll write often,” Dorie promised.
Mari hugged her next. “Remember what I told you.”
“If anyone makes fun of my accent I’m supposed to thump them in the nose?”
“Good girl.” Mari gave a nod and backed away. For such a dainty thing, she sure was a bloodthirsty wench. And Dorie would miss her so much.
“We’re ready,” her father announced, and waited to help her into the carriage.
“Where is he?” she asked Cam.
The large man frowned and patted her shoulder. “It’s nothing to do with you. He was broken before ye arrived.”
She didn’t have to bend over far to hug her dog. “Thank you for being my first friend here. Thank you for keeping me safe. Look after Bryce. Keep him safe and make him play with you.” She kissed Rascal’s bristly fur and gave him a scratch behind the ears.
“I’ll hold him so he doesn’t follow after you,” Cam said with pity in his eyes.
She gave a nod and paused a few seconds longer before allowing her father to hand her up to her seat. With another wave to everyone, they were moving through the gates and off to England.
Fear and panic clogged her throat. What if this was a mistake? What if her life would never be better than this and she was throwing it all away? She had people here who cared for her. Friends. Her loyal hound. A husband who was kind.
It isn’t enough. The admonition filled her mind.
She tried her best to hide her tears, but they got the best of her.
“Shhh, child,” her father said, pulling her close to offer comfort. It was a nice gesture, but it did little to alleviate the pain she experienced as her heart shattered.
How had Bryce survived this kind of agony for so long?
“It will be better soon. Time has a way of easing the pain.”
She knew from Bryce that the pain didn’t ease. The memories faded, but that wasn’t the same thing at all. And even when she stopped thinking of him as much, when she did it would still hurt.
“It’s never completely gone,” she said. She’d seen the way Bryce and her father wore that pain, had carried it for years.
“No. I suppose not. I’m sorry. But you do learn to live around it. We’ll find someone who will love you so you won’t notice as much.”
She couldn’t imagine trying to find someone else at the moment. Even if it were possible to ride into her father’s estate in Durham and find the perfect gentleman waiting for her when she stepped down from the carriage, she didn’t think her heart would risk it. Nothing could be worth suffering like this again.
“If it makes you feel any better, I would guess Bryce isn’t dealing with your departure very well. If he were, he would have been able to be there to say goodbye.”
“Ye think he was too distraught with my leaving to come to the bailey and wish me off?” She laughed through her tears at the thought. “I’m sorry, Father, but I’m sure you have it wrong. My guess is he didn’t come because he forgot I was leaving. It will probably be a week before he notices I’m gone.”
Maybe it wouldn’t take a week. He might actually miss her at night when his bed was empty. Unless it didn’t remain empty for long. He was free to do whatever he wanted now. She’d released him from his obligation.
The tears came again, and this time they flowed for a long time.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Bryce didn’t think he could hurt any more than he did already. He hadn’t expected the tiny fragments of his heart to throb in pain as he watched the carriage roll away. From his view on the battlements, he could watch the carriage until it turned into nothing but a dot that disappeared behind the trees.
Dorie was gone.
She was going to England to find a new husband. Someone worthy of her. Someone who could love her the way she deserved. A man better than him.
He stayed where he was until the sun set and the last of the glow had disappeared over the horizon. He sat even when his stomach protested his neglect. He merely stacked that pain onto the pile with the other pains.
When he was certain everyone had gone to bed, he went to his own. He lay there in the dark, breathing in the scent of his wife and remembering the times they’d shared in the short time they’d had together. He spent a restless night thinking and second-guessing his decision to let her go. The honorable man he wished to be warred with the selfish bastard he was.
Eventually honor won out, but dawn had broken by then.
Bad-tempered and miserable, he went to the hall to seek a distraction. After filling his belly, he called his men to the bailey to begin drills and spent the entire morning barking orders at them.
If he could not do anything about missing Dorie, he could focus on the task of taking down the McCurdys. How many times had he planned to go to the Campbells only to have to stay behind to care for his wife because she’d fallen victim to another McCurdy attack?
He no longer needed to worry of such things. He was free to do whatever he wished.
Alone.
Except for the hound that followed him everywhere, looking even more grim than was his normal countenance. Even now Rascal lay at the edge of the bailey with his head on his paws, looking morose.
Bryce wasn’t sure which one of them missed her more. The only difference was Rascal wasn’t even trying to hide it, while Bryce used his misery to fuel his orders.
The drills continued until the sun was low in the sky, and the grunts of his men were overpowered by the sou
nd of their bellies grumbling.
“You must move faster,” Bryce snapped at Liam. “Do you want the McCurdys to take you down? Do you never wish to see a ship bearing the MacKinlay crest sailing home to our own shores?” He raised his sword again and felt his muscles lag with fatigue.
Lach came up behind him. “That’s enough for today. See yourselves fed,” the laird ordered.
Bryce glared at Lach, happy to have a place to vent his anger. His cousin shouldn’t have stepped in and countered his orders. Bryce was the war chief.
“Let’s walk,” Lach said, nodding toward the gates.
Bryce gladly followed. The fewer people who saw his outrage the better.
They strode in silence until they came to a stop in front of the place where his burned-out cabin had been. The first one. This spot was cursed and held nothing but bad memories for him.
It figured Lach would bring him here. No doubt the man had some plan brewing. He’d had enough of Lachlan MacKinlay’s damned plans. He was still reeling from the last one. The one that had brought Dorie into his life.
He looked away from the darkened spot where his life had been ripped to shreds the first time, wanting to block out all the memories, and cursed Lachlan for forcing him to come here.
“I’m your laird,” Lach finally said.
“I’m aware.” Bryce crossed his arms over his chest in defiance. If Lach was going to try to force him into something else, he’d picked the wrong time to do so. Bryce was spoiling for a fight. He and his cousin often disagreed on things. But Lach was the laird and always had the final say.
Maybe it was time for Bryce to move on. Maybe he’d be able to make peace when he visited his father and find a place with the Campbells.
“I’m also your blood,” Lach went on. “And, I hope, a friend.”
Bryce frowned and dropped his stance. He let out a shaky breath before giving a short nod of agreement. The fight went out of him. “You are that.”
It would have been easier if Lach had criticized his orders to the men. Bryce might have had an outlet for his anger. He didn’t want understanding and pity. Never pity.
Her Reluctant Highlander Husband (Clan MacKinlay) Page 19
