His lips press together in a grim line, all the elation and happiness from sex long gone. “I thought we were having a great time.”
I clear my throat at his directness, glad it’s harder to maintain eye contact in the dark. “I enjoy the time when we’re together, but I also know our limitations, especially if we continue to keep this from Ollie. It’s neither fair nor easy, and it makes me uneasy about the consequences. I think this”—I gesture back and forth between us—“will keep happening if we live under the same roof. It wouldn’t stop until it went downhill and then all hell would break loose. You and your friendship are too important to risk for a few rolls in the hay.”
Just imagining the event unfolding makes my heart hurt.
“Shit.” Carter rubs his hands over his face, roughly, before shoving them through his already messy hair. “I’ve been making a mess of things, haven’t I?”
I shake my head. “None of this is your fault. We’re both adults, and we both wanted it. But I don’t think it would be good for us to continue . . . this.”
What I don’t tell him is how scared I am of wanting more, of falling for him when he’s made it clear that’s the last thing he wants. The desire to be near him whenever he’s around has already grown to heights I didn’t expect, and I’m not even going to think about the smallest of butterfly babies that flutter around in my belly so often in his company.
Total no-no.
He doesn’t look happy, but at least he’s put his boxers and pants back on. Not that I can resist looking at the rest of his strong and toned body anyway. It seems like all sense of control between us has vanished, because I know I’m not the only one looking.
Trying a different approach, I soften my voice. “You’re like family, Carter. I can’t lose you over this fling.” I have to catch myself from flinching at the words, but since I know his outlook on life and relationships, I’m realistic to know what this is.
“Don’t call it that.” He speaks through his teeth without looking at me.
Somehow his reply strikes a nerve with me, my voice having more bite than before too. “What else should I call it? I know who you are, and I’ve never expected anything more from you. You don’t need to get butt hurt because I’m the one saying it out loud rather than thinking it.”
I take a step closer to him but refrain from touching him, which is a lot harder than it should be. “If you’re worried about me, I’m okay. I promise.”
I am. I will be. Same thing.
He doesn’t look convinced but nods.
It looks like he wants to say more, but doesn’t.
When the silence becomes too much, I start balancing my weight awkwardly on the balls of my feet. “Well, I better get inside and try to get some sleep. Looks like I’ll have a busy week ahead of me.”
Carter studies my face, a pinched, tension-filled expression distorting his handsome features. “Let me know if you need help with anything.”
I doubt it but don’t want to start another argument. “Thank you. Goodnight.”
“Night, Jules.”
With a heavy heart, I turn around and walk to my room, an unwanted numbness spreading through my body, confirming that if I keep having sex with Carter, the hollow feeling would only get worse.
* * *
By some miracle, and spending more time online last night than actual sleeping, I have a few places to look at today. I thought it was going to take at least a few days, but after tossing and turning so much last night, knowing Carter was only a few doors down the hallway, I got desperate to check out what’s available.
Since I didn’t want to go by myself, and the only two other people in my life, Carter and Ollie, both don’t qualify for this, I contacted Cora. Thankfully, Ollie didn’t question my motives when I messaged him to ask for her number, mentioning wanting to meet up with her for coffee.
Smiling at Cora, I get comfortable in the seat across from her at the little coffee shop we settled on. “I hope it was okay I called. I know you’ve already had a busy morning working, but I didn’t know who else to call.”
She glances at me over the edge of her large coffee cup. “Are you kidding? I’m thrilled you did. I’m not exactly sure how much I can help you with the apartment search, but I’m more than happy to offer my assistance however I can.” She’s about to take another sip when she lowers the Styrofoam cup again. “Ollie knows about this though, right?”
I grimace and shake my head, a burst of guilt rushing through my system. “Not yet, but I’ll tell him tonight, I promise. I haven’t seen much of him, and I’d rather not tell him on the phone. It was somewhat of a spontaneous decision, but I know he won’t be happy about it. Hopefully, he can understand I need to do this though.”
She’s silent for a moment, studying me in the quiet manner I’ve already gotten used to. “I know that’s partially my fault, for taking up the little time he has outside of work, but I know he was looking forward to spending more time with you. But you need to do what’s right for you, and your brother will get over it.”
“If I only knew what the right thing was.” I blow out a breath, staring out the window briefly. We’re able to see part of the ocean from here despite the slightly gloomy weather today.
How fitting.
Cora had better luck with the weather earlier at her shoot when she and several other models experienced the sunrise on their paddle boards. The shoot was for a successful athletic clothing company, and I can’t wait to see the finished product. I bet Cora’s pictures will be perfect.
“Hey.” Her hand reaches out across the small table, lightly squeezing my forearm. “You’ll figure it out. You’ve had a lot of things to deal with over the past few weeks and years. Sometimes it takes some time for everything to fall in place and that’s fine.” She laughs, the sound light and melodic, and I’m unable to keep my own smile from appearing. She’s so likable. “I hope it’s not weird I know so much about you when you probably don’t know a lot about me.”
“No, it makes total sense. Like you said earlier, I haven’t seen much of my brother.”
Her nod is gentle, understanding. “I moved here last year from the East Coast, and it hasn’t been as easy to meet new people as I thought it would be. I’d really like us to become friends if you want to.”
“I’d like that a lot. Even though I’ve lived in this area for so long, it seems like I don’t have any friends left. People have either moved away after high school or college, or they couldn’t or didn’t want to deal with our family drama.”
The easiness is gone from her face, a somber expression in its place. “I’ve learned a while back that a lot of people don’t know what to do when tragedy strikes. It’s sad, but there’s nothing you can do about it but move on. The good thing is you usually come out a lot stronger on the other side. Just remember that.”
The heaviness in my chest feels a little lighter, and I can already tell that Cora’s presence in my life is going to have a positive effect. “I will, thank you. I’m so happy my brother met you.”
“Me too.” She rubs her hands together. “Now, let’s see those apartments you told me about. I’m curious.”
I pull my laptop out of my purse, and we spend the next hour going over possible prospects, sorting out the ones that aren’t good enough. Cora did this last year, and that seems like an advantage to me since she knows what to look for and what to avoid.
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll actually make this work and get one step closer to the life I feel I so desperately need, especially with some distance from Carter, even if he doesn’t agree with my decision. Even if I miss him with every fiber of my being, it’s a necessary cost.
Chapter Twenty
Carter
Julia glares at her brother, her hands on her hips. “Ollie. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”
In return, he throws his hands in the air. “I’m not doing any such thing. Will you stop saying that?”
He’s definitely worked up. They
both are. It was supposed to be a quiet evening together at the house with the four of us enjoying a drink at the end of a long work day.
Instead, Cora and I stand to the side, while the two siblings have at each other after Julia told him she was moving out in the next few days into a temporary place while she’s looking for a permanent place.
Oliver told Julia straight out that it makes no sense, and while I absolutely agree with him, I know attacking her the way he did, won’t get them anywhere. They’ve done this exact same thing, with other topics, of course, a million times before.
Yet here we are. Once more. Different problem, same reaction.
I’ve always thought they’re too similar in some aspects, knocking heads at every turn, especially when it comes to their pride. I’m ninety-nine point nine percent sure they won’t be getting anywhere tonight.
“You’re driving me nuts.” Ollie clenches and unclenches his hands into fists, sending me a pleading look.
I immediately shake my head and hold up my hands. “Not going there and you know it.” I’ve taken sides before when I was younger, and a lot more stupid, and I paid for it every single time. They both reconciled each time within a few hours or days, but whoever was mad at me, held the grudge for far longer than that.
“You said you’re still looking for an apartment?” While I won’t get in the middle of them, I can at least try and help.
Julia looks at me and nods. “Yes.”
Before I can respond, Ollie cuts in. “Why can’t you just stay with us until you find an apartment then? Why do you have to move out so suddenly?”
Her eyes flicker to me for a split second before she faces her brother, who’s slowly starting to turn red. Poor dude.
This whole situation makes me feel guilty as hell. I’m the reason Julia’s moving out so quickly. I’m the moron who basically drove her out of her own house, and boy, do I feel like shit about it.
“I have my reasons, Ollie. I want my own place.” Her voice sounds strong and confident. “I need to be alone right now. I realized yesterday I’ve never truly been alone, and I think it would be really good for me. It’s also still harder to be here than I thought.”
Oliver’s hands go limp at his sides at her admission. He still doesn’t look happy but nods. “Okay.”
She gives him a timid smile. “Thank you.”
After putting his hands in his pockets, he lets out a big breath. “Let us at least help you find a good place. I don’t want you ending up in some dump. I know a realtor I can call in the morning. Maybe she can help.”
“Sounds good.” Julia’s giving in, even though I’m sure she’d rather do it her way.
It’s something. I’m glad this didn’t escalate.
Cora shifts next to me. “We can push our trip back too if you want, babe.”
Ollie groans. “Crap, I didn’t even think about that. It’s been a long day.”
Julia looks back and forth between them. “Oh, that’s right. You’re flying out to New York tomorrow afternoon to meet Cora’s family.”
They both nod.
“No way you’re postponing that for me. I’m totally fine by myself. Promise.” Julia clicks her tongue, and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from bursting into laughter.
Despite the still slightly tense situation, and after what went down yesterday between us, all I can think about is how fucking cute she is.
And sexy.
If I don’t get my body under control, this whole situation is going to get even more awkward in a few seconds. I clearly have some issues when it comes to Julia, my dick liking her a whole lot being one of them.
Oliver turns my way, instant boner-deflation. “Could you go look at some places with her?”
All eyes are on me, everyone waiting for an answer.
I try to keep a straight face and nod. “Sure.”
“Oh, that’s not necessary.” Julia waves her hands around in front of her as if she’s directing an incoming airplane to the gate.
I keep my voice low and gentle, not wanting to push her away. “I really don’t mind, Jules.”
Ollie pushes off the kitchen counter and walks over to Cora, taking her hand in his. “It would make me feel better to know CJ will be with you.”
“Fine.” Julia looks at the clock on the wall before getting a glass from the cupboard, filling it with water from the fridge. “I have a headache, so I’m gonna call it a night.”
Cora and Ollie turn into a blur of motion at her words, Cora the first to go over to give her a hug before Ollie does too. “No worries. We’re gonna head over to Cora’s place. Get some sleep and feel better. You know how to reach me if you need anything.”
Julia nods before waving her hand around the room one more time. “Night, everyone.”
And then she’s gone, the door to her room closing with an audible click.
Ollie comes over to me and claps my shoulder. “Thanks, man. I hate that I haven’t been around much to help. The timing has been awful.”
“It’s nothing.” I nod in the general vicinity of the front door. “You guys have a good night, and I’ll see you at the office in the morning.”
After another shoulder clap from Ollie, and a wave from Cora, they’re gone, and I head to my room.
I stop in front of Julia’s door, debating what to do, but then I see her light’s out. The message couldn’t be louder, so I head to my room, my footsteps shuffled, because it’s not what I want.
I want to be with her, not separated by doors. I want to reassure her that we’ll be okay. I want to offer to move out so she can stay in her own home, but Ollie’s right. It’s crazy at work, and I don’t have time to find anything at the moment.
Mostly though, I want her in my arms where I can hold her close.
* * *
After dropping off Ollie and Cora at the airport, I decide to visit my mom on the way back. This underlying urge to see her has become stronger this last week, and I guess it’s long overdue anyway. I rarely come here without her asking me to.
After parking the car at the curb, a few feet away from her bright green mailbox, I walk through the little white gate, spotting her in the middle of her flower beds. When she turns at the noise, the tired expression immediately transforms into a happy one, the smile on her face as warm as it always is when she sees me.
“Carter. What a pleasant surprise.” The words are barely out of her mouth when her smile drops a little. “I didn’t expect you. Is everything okay, honey?”
Of course, she thinks something’s happened when I show up out of the blue. “Yes, Mom. I just thought I’d stop by to see you.”
Not really the truth, but close enough. At my statement, she practically glows, giving the blazing sun some honest competition. Standing up, she takes off her garden gloves and brushes her dark-blonde hair out of her face.
Then she opens her arms wide, waiting for her welcome hug. “It’s so good to see you. It’s been too long.”
“I know, Mom. Sorry I’ve been so busy.” For some reason, I enjoy the embrace more today than I do during most of my visits.
“Doesn’t matter, you’re here now. Should we go inside?”
“Sure.” I follow her inside the modest one-story family home. She moved a few towns away with her husband, Tom, when I went to college, and it’s easy to tell how much she loves living here. “Is Tom home?”
“No, he went golfing with his brother.”
“I see.” He’s without a doubt my favorite out of all of her husbands, and I’m glad they still seem to be going strong. I can’t imagine being married at all, let alone five times. But he treats her well, and that’s what I care about the most when it comes to my mom.
Once we’re in the kitchen, she rummages around, washing her hands at the antique farmhouse sink before getting us some homemade lemonade from the fridge. We settle down at the round kitchen table, a place she’s always preferred over the living room—probably because she likes to stay busy, m
ultitasking by prepping or cooking food whenever she can.
After sitting across from me, she leans forward as far as the table will allow her, tilting her head to the side. “So . . . to what do I owe the pleasure?”
I give her a one-shoulder shrug. “Nothing specific really. Just thought it would be nice to visit.”
“I always love seeing you, and I’m happy you stopped by.” Folding her fingers atop the table, her gaze is solely focused on me. “So, how is everything? Are you still staying with Oliver?”
“I am.” For some reason, I pause before rushing through the rest of the sentence. “Julia moved in about two weeks ago too.”
My mom’s whole face lights up at the mention of Julia’s name. “That’s wonderful. And a surprise. How’s she doing?”
I occupy myself with my glass, wiping the condensation away with my finger. “Good. She broke up with that guy and is looking for a place of her own.”
My mom nods. “She’s such a sweet girl. You should bring her with you next time. I’d love to see her.”
Because that wouldn’t be awkward.
Plus, who knows how much my mom would read into things if she saw us together. “We’ll see. Maybe.”
We stay quiet for a moment while I continue to play with the glass. My mom’s doing her silent mom game where she waits for me to speak, knowing that’s the only way to get me talking.
“Mom, why have you wasted so much time getting married over and over again? You clearly don’t believe in relationships that last.”
She lets out the most wistful sigh I’ve ever heard, and my head snaps up.
For a moment, I’m worried I’ve offended her by my question, but she’s actually smiling. Even though the smile might be more on the sad side.
She reaches across the table and touches my hand briefly. “Oh, sweetie. Is that what you think I’ve been doing?”
The Husband Checklist Page 13
