by Kim Law
Not wanting to put on a show, she followed Ben.
He had deserted his daughter today. What was wrong with the man?
His steps were long and sure, and when Dani realized he was leading them to the beach she jerked to a halt. “Not the beach,” she snapped out.
He looked back. “Why not?”
“Not. The. Beach.” She pivoted to her right, leaving him to follow. Thank goodness it stayed light until late this time of year or she’d probably smack her head on one of the branches of the many cherry trees. Because she was not going to the beach with that man. The beach had once been their spot. It had been their friendship.
It had also been where she’d launched herself at him, seeking a kiss.
Which he’d turned down.
“Dani,” Ben said behind her.
“Shut up, Ben. I’m not ready to talk to you yet.”
Wisely, he complied.
They walked for several additional minutes, Dani burning off steam until she finally began to slow down. She pictured Haley again as Ben had walked away from them that afternoon—Haley had done nothing to deserve that. Heck, she had done nothing to deserve that.
And Ben should have known better.
Finally, she ran out of steam and stopped.
She didn’t turn to Ben, though, but instead tilted her head back and stared up through the branches of the trees to the darkening sky. The world was so big out here. So peaceful. It had always been the thing that kept her sane, to come out here and stare up at the sky.
Until that moment, she’d thought those late-night sessions on the dock had started after she’d come home from college. She’d thought it had been about losing her mother.
She would come outside to reset for the following day, maybe to speak to her mother, to search for guidance. And to remind herself that she was lucky to have the family and the life that she did have. It didn’t matter what she’d had to give up.
But standing in the middle of the orchard right that very moment, angry on Haley’s behalf, and on the verge of tears due to the emotions assaulting her, Dani also remembered coming out here before she’d gone away to college. Sometimes she’d walk through the fields alone, while other times it had been straight to the beach. Her dad had figured out she was sneaking out late at night and had tried to put a stop to it, but she’d begged him to let this be her thing.
He’d seemed to understand that she needed to have her own quiet space. And he’d agreed; it could be her thing.
“You won’t tell Mom?”
Dani closed her eyes as the question echoed through her head.
“I won’t tell Mom.”
He’d hugged her then. Long and hard. He’d loved her then.
And yes, he still loved her today. She knew that. Just as she loved him. But things had changed at some point in their lives. A distance had formed between father and daughter, and it had never completely closed.
“Dani.”
She jumped and spun around, having forgotten she was out there with Ben.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Haley,” she answered bluntly. Was he seriously that blind that he didn’t get that?
“I don’t mean with her. I know that. We’ll talk about that.” He motioned toward Dani. “I mean with you. What just happened? Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere.” She shook her head.
She’d gone into a past that was different than the one she remembered.
With some of the anger having evaporated, she could now talk to Ben rationally. “You hurt your daughter today.”
“I know.” He looked completely repentant. “I handled things badly. My only excuse is that I don’t do rejection well. When she wanted you instead of me . . .” He shrugged. “It felt personal.”
“She’s a child, Ben. Grow up. She didn’t reject you. She was terrified. She’s had a crappy month, and you tried to shove her into an oversize balloon filled with strangers. I would have run from you, too.”
“I know. I’m an idiot. Hell, Dani. I don’t know what I’m doing with her. Half the time I think things are going okay, and the next instant I’m drowning. I’m in completely over my head, and the person who has to pay for that is Haley.”
“You can’t walk out on her like you did.”
He glared at her as if he thought she were an idiot. “Don’t you think I know that?”
“No.” She glared back. “As a matter of fact, I don’t. Because that’s exactly what you did today. Just like her mother. You walked out on her.” She could see that her words had an impact.
“Fuck,” he muttered. His shoulders slumped. And for the first time since they’d started arguing, Ben seemed to see past his own issues. Beyond the difficulty of having parenthood thrust upon him. He saw how his actions could affect his daughter. “Christ, Dani. I didn’t even think about it like that.”
She didn’t want to soften at the destroyed look on his face, but she couldn’t help it. She softened. She began walking once again, more slowly than before, and Ben followed along beside her.
“She’s scared, Ben. And the worst part . . .” Her voice cracked as she relived sitting in the bedroom with Haley tonight, hearing her apologize for crying. “The worst part is that she asked me to tell you she’s sorry.”
Ben stared at her. “For what?”
“For upsetting you. She’s sorry for upsetting you, Ben Denton. She doesn’t want you to be mad at her for crying.”
“My God.” The look on his face was pure horror. ”I screwed up and she feels bad about it?”
Dani nodded. “That’s pretty much the way of it.”
“I just wanted to help.” His words came across as pleading. “To get her more friends. Jenna won’t—”
He pressed his lips into a straight line and gazed toward the setting sun, its orange glow just beginning to stretch toward the mountains. “Jenna may not always be around,” he finished. “I know what loneliness feels like, and I don’t want that for Haley.”
Dani put her hand on his forearm, and they both stopped walking. They remained shrouded in the trees, the almost-ripe cherries heavy on the branches and a light wind drifting through the night. It was a peaceful scene, but inside she could see Ben’s torment.
“She’ll get there,” she assured him. “With the right support. But her mother deserted her and you can’t forget that. Ever. She’s probably terrified Lia’s leaving was due to something she’d done, and she won’t want to do the same with you.”
“Of course it was nothing she’d done. Lia is a selfish—”
“I get it.” Dani nodded. She squeezed his arm. “Not mother material. Some people aren’t. But Haley is four. She’s confused and scared. It’ll take time before she’s secure again.”
Pain etched over Ben’s face. “What if she never had security to begin with?”
“You think that was the case?”
Ben eyed Dani as she voiced the question, and silently ran through what he knew of the first four years of his daughter’s life. She’d been raised by a grandmother who’d had one foot in the grave and a mother who’d dashed in and out of her life.
The grandmother had passed away a couple of months ago, leaving Haley with Lia. It was very reminiscent of his own childhood. Which answered Dani’s question.
“I think being with me is as close to security as she’s come.”
And he’d blown that big-time. Because he’d been mad at himself.
What an idiot.
He sighed and turned away, and he and Dani continued on their walk. He captured her hand and tucked it into the crook of his elbow, and when she didn’t pull away, he tightened his fingers over hers. It felt good to have her close.
He didn’t immediately return to talking, though, and she seemed to sense that he needed time. Instead, he listened to the quiet
sounds of the night settling around them. He’d spent the past several hours driving around the perimeter of Flathead Lake, questioning each of his decisions made over the past month. Had it been a mistake taking Haley in the first place? Coming to Montana? Would Haley be better off with someone who had a clue of how to raise a child?
But if so, who?
Then he’d gotten a phone call that had seemed to come at the perfect time.
Only, now it seemed the call had merely been a test.
They emerged from the canopy of trees, and up ahead was a worn path through the grass that led to the beach. At his glance, Dani nodded and they moved in that direction. They walked for several minutes, stopping only when they reached a rise that provided a brilliant view of the lake. The sun had almost touched the mountains by now, and the sky was layered with long stretches of clouds striated with color. Orange was the most prevalent, mixed with purples and reds. The calm lake tempted the same feeling to grow behind the wall of Ben’s chest. This entire area spoke to him. It always had. As had being with Dani.
“I’ve got to go to New Mexico tomorrow,” he told her.
Dani straightened beside him. “I thought you’d canceled your contracts.”
“I did, but I can’t get out of this one. The backup bailed. I got a call this afternoon.”
She looked at him for a minute before removing her arm from his. He let his drop to his side.
“You can’t get out of it?” she asked. “Or you don’t want to?”
Truth was, he hadn’t tried to get out of it. But he couldn’t call back now and change his mind. It was too late. He had a flight to catch in the morning. “Maybe both,” he admitted.
The silence from her was deafening as he waited for her reply. She’d always been able to understand who he was before. He was curious if she still had that ability today. She didn’t disappoint. “You miss your old life.”
Yep.
He crossed his arms over his chest, feeling ashamed for spending the afternoon wishing he had his life back, and concentrated on the smoothness of the lake. It was late, so there were no boats to be seen. No Jet Skiers, no fishermen. Just nature. Just reality.
“Yes,” he answered truthfully. He turned his head to look at her. “Everything feels out of control right now. I thought maybe being ‘normal’ for a couple of days might help. Might put things more into perspective.”
The look on her face said she understood what he was feeling. The need to run. “It feels like your life is spinning out of control,” she said. “I get that. Okay.” She nodded. “I can watch her while you’re gone.”
“I’m not asking you to.” He captured her hand again.
“What’re you going to do then?” A ghost of a smile crossed her lips. “Ask your mother?”
Her question made him smile. She did know him well.
His mother had come up in conversations with Dani several times in the past, and he’d shared his frustrations that she had not, exactly, been “motherly.” In fact, she’d never been. That had been difficult after spending his first seven years with his grandfather. The man had let Ben trail along behind his every step. He’d taught Ben to explore life, to live it. He’d also taught him about others, and how to respect the people he came into contact with.
And he’d done his level best to show him what love was.
But then Ben had gone to live with his mother, and he’d discovered that love came in all shapes and sizes. Which was what worried him now.
His mother hadn’t been able to love the way Grandpa did. She’d provided. She’d taken him on trips. And she’d never seemed especially put out by having to do either.
But he was merely a task on her assistant’s to-do list.
His mother had also never once looked at him like she was happy he was a part of her life.
He’d lived with that kind of love a lot longer than he’d experienced his grandpa’s, and that fact always made him wonder which flavor he was capable of. Or if he believed in love at all. Because it wasn’t as though he’d been sitting around pining for the woman of his dreams to come walking by these past few years. Nor had he wanted anything more in his life.
He’d been happy and content. His life had been good.
“You messed up today, Ben,” Dani spoke softly at his side. “You made a brilliantly bad move, but you know it was wrong. You feel awful about it.” She cut her eyes over to him. “You’re not like her.”
Her words meant a lot. As did her ability to follow his thoughts.
“Mom’s not a bad person.” He truly believed that. She did a lot for those less fortunate, and had been recognized as a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations. She donated both money and her time for charity appearances. She was a good person.
Her focus had just never been on raising a kid.
“I’m not saying she is,” Dani said. “But she wasn’t the greatest mom.”
He chuckled. “No, she was not that.”
Dani went quiet for another moment before forcing him to face facts. “You came out here intending to ask me to watch Haley for you, didn’t you? You wanted to go away, pretend she didn’t exist for a couple of days?”
He nodded. He was an ass. “Pretty much.”
But that had quickly changed.
He turned to her, the need urgent for her to understand. Because he didn’t want to be like his mother. He wanted to be a good father.
And he wanted to believe in love.
“I won’t do that to her, though,” he said earnestly. “I made a mistake. Big time. I see that, and I won’t do it again. I won’t desert her—I’ll take her with me.” The idea of taking Haley was suddenly exciting. Not because he wanted her on location with him, but because there were so many things he could introduce her to.
The world had a lot to offer, and for making him aware of that fact, he would always appreciate his mother. His childhood hadn’t been a total waste.
“There are always extra people on-site,” he pointed out. “I’ll get someone to keep an eye on her when I can’t.”
Dani’s eyes softened. “Make sure it’s someone nice, will you? She needs nice.”
“Definitely.” Then he shot her a teasing wink. “Or you could come with us? Watch her while I work?”
“Not on your life, Hollywood. You created this mess, you handle it.”
She slipped her arm back through his and rested her head on his shoulder. Both of them let out heavy breaths as they turned as one to face the water. It was so much like it had been in the past, only they weren’t lying side by side on the dock.
“Do you really believe I can do this?” he asked. “Without screwing her up?”
She tilted her face up. “The very fact that you ask the question tells me you can.”
He wanted to kiss her in the worst way. “Thank you,” he said, instead of leaning down and putting his mouth to hers. “I hope so.”
“I know so. But I do have a suggestion that might help.”
“What’s that?”
“A therapist,” she told him. “Will you consider taking Haley to see someone? I have a friend with an office here in town. She’s great with kids. I think it might be good for Haley.”
That wasn’t a completely bad idea.
It was humiliating to admit he might need help. But he wasn’t simply talking about his life these days. This was his daughter’s.
“I’ll think about it,” he promised. He lifted Dani’s hand from his arm and pressed a kiss to her fingertips. “I believed I could do this on my own, but after today . . .” He shrugged. “I’ll think about it.”
“You’re a good guy, Ben.” She touched his cheek. “You’re changing your life for her. She’s a lucky girl.”
He just hoped he didn’t keep screwing it all up.
His phone chirped, and, aware they’d asked Ga
be to watch Haley, he pulled it from his pocket.
He checked the text. “I’ve got to go. Haley’s asking for me.”
chapter ten
Dani closed the lid of her laptop and slumped in her chair in relief. After a long day of work for a client she’d picked up at the festival over the weekend, she’d just finished a video chat with a potential roommate. Their conversation had gone well. The other woman was a product manager for a financial company, and had lived in New York City for three years. She’d recently broken up with her live-in boyfriend, regularly worked sixty hours a week, and though not desperate for a roommate, she was certainly in the market.
She seemed normal and capable of paying her bills, and that was pretty much what Dani was looking for at this point. Signing a lease—much less agreeing to live with someone—sight unseen was nerve-racking.
Pulling the lease agreement off the printer, Dani spread it out in front of her to reread it.
This was such a big step. Which was a silly thought, because it was a step she had to take. It wasn’t like she hadn’t already made the decision to move to New York. Yet reading through the language of the contract, and seeing the glaring blank line where her signature would go, had her heart racing. She was really about to do this.
She was about to have the life she’d always dreamed of.
It was both exhilarating and completely frightening at the same time.
A door in the back of the house opened and closed, and she lifted her head to listen. It wouldn’t be Ben or Haley. They’d both left the morning before and wouldn’t return for another day.
After rushing back to the house Saturday night, Ben had not come out of Haley’s room. Dani had peeked in on them before going to bed to find Ben asleep on the top bunk, his feet hanging off the end. The sight made her smile. And also warmed her heart.
He really was a good guy. She couldn’t imagine going from the life he’d had, to suddenly being thrust into single parenthood of a four-year-old girl, but Dani was confident that both man and daughter would come out the other end of this okay.
And she was slightly sad that she wouldn’t be around to see it unfold.
