by Kim Law
“Don’t forget my lunch box, Daddy.” Haley swung her legs back and forth from the stool at their kitchen island as Ben rushed around gathering up the items he would need for the day.
“I fixed it for you last night,” he reminded her.
“You put the cookies in there, too?”
“I did.” He stopped his hurried motions and took the time to drop a kiss on the top of his daughter’s head. They’d been in their new house for one week, and today was the first day of school. He seemed more nervous than she. “Did you remember to put your notebook and pencils in your backpack?” he questioned.
She smiled brightly as she nodded. Her legs continued swinging and her brand-new backpack hung low on her back. “I gots all the pencils and all the crayons.”
Ben stopped then, his laptop in hand, as well as his camera, and took the time to really look at his daughter.
And then he thought about those words. His daughter.
She was 100 percent his. The custody agreement had come through last week, and he’d heard no additional word from Lia or her lawyer. It was a done deal.
Haley continued with her therapist two days a week, and probably would for a while. But she was good. She had adjusted. And so had he. He was the single father of a school-aged child. She would turn five next month—there would be a big party for all the new friends she planned to make in school—and in thirty minutes he’d drop her off for her first day of kindergarten.
A little over two months ago he’d been on a shoot on the other side of the world, his most pressing matter being whom he would sleep with next and where he wanted to travel to in his downtime, and today he was a homeowner and a single father.
Wow.
“Did we need to go?” Haley asked. She pursed her lips with the question, seemingly having no concerns at all.
“Yeah.” He nodded. “We need to go. Put your cup in the sink and go wash your hands.”
She did as she was asked while Ben finished packing his camera equipment. According to his agent, a book deal was looking good. And though he needed to get to work on that, he’d also volunteered his time as a photographer for a local magazine. He and Haley were becoming part of the community. They fit.
He only wished there wasn’t a hole left in both their hearts.
But as Dani had insisted, he wasn’t sitting around waiting for her. He was moving on. Slowly on some levels, but he’d put her to the back of his mind.
Or, he tried to.
He bustled Haley into the car, and ten minutes later pulled up in front of the school.
“There’s my teacher!” Haley pointed out the window. “You don’t have to take me in, Daddy. My teacher can.”
He still got out of the car. Because she was four. He couldn’t very well leave the engine running and simply drop the kid off.
Her teacher saw her and headed their way with a welcoming smile. “Miss Haley,” the teacher said. “It’s so good to see you again.”
Haley giggled. “You had to see me again. It’s time for the school.”
They’d met Miss Wiggins at new-student orientation last Friday. The woman was fresh out of college, and looking forward to the challenge of a roomful of five-year-olds.
Haley grabbed her backpack from the floorboard. “Kisses, Daddy,” she demanded, and he bent down and both gave and accepted a kiss. Then she took her teacher’s hand and she was gone.
And just like that, his brand-new daughter was already growing up.
“I’ll pick you up right here as soon as school is over,” he called out.
She glanced back at him and waved, and the smile on her face would forever be a part of his heart.
Leaning against his SUV, he watched until she got inside. Haley would be fine.
He just didn’t know if he would be.
With a shake of his head, he circled the front of the car and climbed back into the vehicle. When he pulled out onto the road his phone rang. And as ridiculous as it was, his heart beat fast at the sound, hoping it was Dani. His heart did that every single time the phone rang.
He glanced at the number on the car screen, but no. Not Dani. It was never Dani.
But it was a number just as surprising.
He pushed the button to connect. “Hello, Mother.”
“Ben,” she said. “I’m glad I caught you.”
He hadn’t talked to his mother since he and Haley had made their impromptu visit to LA. “Just getting started for the day,” he told her. “What can I do for you?”
Their conversations had always been polite and cordial, and he saw no reason to change that now. Even if she had no desire to know Haley. It was a nonissue. She’d never had any desire to know him, and yet, he’d turned out okay.
“I’ve been thinking, Ben. I’d like to get to know my granddaughter. Might I come for a visit?”
He very nearly rear-ended the car in front of him.
“You want to come here? To Montana.” He thought of the last time she’d been in the state. At his grandmother’s funeral, camera crew in tow.
“Just me,” she added, as though she could read his thoughts. “No cameras. No reporters.”
He’d never known of his mother wanting to go anywhere without cameras or reporters.
“I might have to bring a bodyguard,” she added. “I learned that the hard way once.”
“Why?”
“Why do I want to come there?”
“Why do you want to come here? Why alone?” he asked. “I doubt you even know how to go anywhere alone. And why now? What’s changed?”
She grew silent, and while he waited he checked his watch. He needed to be at the magazine office in ten minutes.
“I know I wasn’t a good mother, Ben,” she finally said. “I understand that. Why do you think I asked my parents to raise you?”
“Because you didn’t want me,” he blurted out.
“I suppose it might have looked that way.”
“Might? Come on, Mother. You visited me maybe twice a year those first few years. And I’m not sure why you even did that.”
“I visited because I wanted to see you,” she told him. “You were my son, and I loved you.” At his silence she added, “I still love you.”
“You don’t understand love.” He got that now. Because, even though Dani had left him, he’d loved her. And Haley? He couldn’t put into words his feelings for his daughter. His mother had never felt anything like that toward him.
“Your grandparents were kind people, Ben. They tried their best with me, but I was different. I’m not as nurturing. And that was fine with me. Then you came along. I couldn’t take care of you the way they could, so I asked them to raise you. I thought you might stand a better chance that way.”
“You asked them to raise me so that I didn’t get in the way of your career.”
“Well, yes. That too. But that’s because I knew that my career would always come before you. I didn’t know how to change that, but more importantly, I didn’t want to. And I suppose I should apologize for that, but I can’t change who I was. At least I tried to give you a good childhood.”
He thought about his time with Grandpa. “My first seven years were very good.”
“I know.”
“The rest weren’t.”
“I know that, too. But Ben, were they bad? Or were they just not good enough?”
She had a point. “What’s it matter now, Mom? I’m grown. I have a daughter of my own, and I no longer need your approval.”
“It matters because I’d like to get to know her.”
“But you just said you can’t love.”
“I said I do love. Just differently. But the thing is, I’ve thought about Haley every day since you were here.”
His heart thudded. Then it occurred to him that his mother’s shock at her own fe
elings now meant that when he’d been a kid, she hadn’t thought similarly about him. Which hurt. Even if, deep down, he’d always known that fact.
“I missed out on a lot with you,” she said. “And that’s my fault, and I freely admit I didn’t mind it at the time. But I don’t want to miss everything anymore. I have a granddaughter. Did you know she looks like me?”
His mother was changing? It sounded like it. The very idea had him going mute.
“I won’t come if you say no,” she told him, “but I want you to know that I would like to get to know her. I’d like to get to know you both, actually.”
It wasn’t that easy.
Calling up with a casual “I’m sorry” and expecting to stroll back into his life? Possibly at his daughter’s expense?
His mother had hurt him. She’d never wanted him. And he’d always been aware of that.
“Let me think about it,” he finally answered. He didn’t want to act irrationally. “I’ll talk to Haley. If she says no, then it’s no. But Mom, if she says yes, and one single camera shows up—”
“It won’t. Just me. I swear it.”
He couldn’t handle more rejection. He’d had enough to last him a lifetime.
And he didn’t want to screw anything up for Haley. They’d come too far. She was his number one priority.
But if she had a grandmother who actually cared, didn’t she deserve that?
Honestly, he didn’t know.
“I’ll get back to you,” he said.
chapter twenty-five
A six-pack of squirming black-and-white puppies wiggled in the makeshift bed that Leslie’s father had created for them in the back corner of his garage, and Ben watched through the lens of his camera as Haley bent, hands on knees, and examined each one closely.
“This is my favorite,” Leslie said, pointing out the fattest of the bunch. Its tiny stomach rounded on both sides of its body while the puppy worked her way back to her mother’s teat.
“I don’t like that one best,” Haley determined. “I like that one.” She pointed to the smallest—the runt of the litter—and nodded her head decisively. “It’s the most beautiful.”
Leslie’s father gently lifted the pup in question. “This one is a boy.”
Haley’s mouth twisted as though she was fighting the urge to change her mind, but then she looked straight at Ben, her eyes wide and guileless. Ben snapped off a shot. “My daddy is a boy, and I like him, so I’ll take the boy.”
Ben captured two more photos before she turned back to her new puppy.
“His name can be Montana,” she declared. “ ’Cause I love it here.”
“I like that name,” Leslie agreed.
Several minutes of petting later, Mr. Roberts lifted the puppy from Haley’s lap and returned it to its mother. “You can visit him anytime you want,” he explained, “but he has to stay here with his mama until he’s eight weeks old.”
Haley nodded. “My daddy told me. That’s why he brought his camera. So I can see him anytime I want.”
“Sounds like a great plan.” Dean Roberts glanced at Ben. “I’ll leave you guys alone so Haley can get to know him a little better. Just give me a yell if you need anything.”
He disappeared in the office off the back of his house, and Leslie and Haley both bent, hands on knees once again, peering in at the dogs.
Ben took more pictures.
Haley had been in school for a couple of weeks now, and in addition to Leslie, she’d acquired several new friends. So many, in fact, that the sleepover planned for her birthday might not happen. Not unless he could figure out the logistics of chaperones. He was doing okay these days taking care of Haley, but he couldn’t imagine a house full of girls just like her—with him the only adult.
“Can we talk about your birthday party?” Ben asked as the two girls continued petting the puppies.
Haley looked up at him. “I done invited everyone.”
“Haley,” he began. Crap. “I’m not sure we can do a sleepover.”
“Why not?”
“Well, how many friends did you have in mind?”
“All of them.”
Which amounted to around ten, depending on the day.
“I can’t take care of ten girls at once, sweetheart. Not all night long.”
“My mama could help,” Leslie volunteered.
Her father might have something to say about that. But before Ben could voice his opinion, Leslie ran off to ask her mom.
“Haley,” Ben said again. “We might have to only let Leslie stay overnight this time.”
“But that’s not what I want.”
“I know, but sometimes we can’t get everything we want.” He’d learned that several times throughout his life. Most recently with Dani. More than a month had gone by, and still no word from her.
“But—”
“We’ll talk about it later, okay?” Both Leslie and her mother were heading their way.
“Hello, Ben,” Linda greeted him. “Good to see you again. Hi, Haley. Did you pick out a puppy?”
Haley beamed. “I did. And I love him already.”
Linda chuckled and turned to Ben. “Leslie says there might be a problem with the party?”
“I was just explaining how everyone staying overnight might not be possible this year. I’m not sure I can properly oversee ten girls.”
“Well, maybe some of the other mothers and I could help,” she suggested. “I’m sure we could work something out. Your house is big, right? We could stay over with the girls. Make it a hybrid grown-up/kid party.”
A house full of five-year-old girls and their mothers? He didn’t think so.
“I’m sure Brandi Smith’s mom would be there,” Linda added. As if that would be an enticement. It wasn’t. Brandi Smith’s mom had been after him since learning he was the son of Angelica Denton.
Not what he needed.
“Let me think about it,” Ben suggested. There had to be another way.
“Sounds good. Just let me know how we can help.” She winked at Haley. “We’ll do whatever we need to make sure this one has a great day.”
Haley preened in front of the woman, thinking she’d won the battle.
“Leslie,” her mom said. “Time for your piano lesson.” She turned to Ben. “It’s good to see you again, Ben. You and Haley stay as long as you want and play with the puppies.”
After they drove off, Haley turned pleading eyes up to his. “Please, Daddy?”
She could be so sweet when she wanted to. But was it worth putting up with Brandi Smith’s mom?
“We’ll figure it out later,” he promised. He put his camera down and lowered to sit on the concrete floor beside her. “Let’s play with Montana for a couple more minutes, then we have to go.”
He plucked the tiny pup out of the straw, and after stroking its black head, gently placed him in Haley’s waiting hands. As he did, he thought about the time he’d asked his own mother for a dog. She’d gotten him one—she’d had her assistant pick out the perfect pedigreed pup—along with a dedicated dog trainer.
Not the life he’d ever want for Haley.
“You thought about your grandmother anymore?” he asked. They’d talked about the request to visit after his mother had asked, and so far Haley was unenthused. But they had FaceTimed with her. That had gone over well, and Ben had been able to see for himself that his mother really did seem to care. It was comforting to know that she did, indeed, have a heart inside her polished and shined shell. “You think we should invite her to come see us?”
Haley peered up at him, her forehead forming the tiny line it took on when she thought hard.
“Could we FaceTime with her and show her my puppy?”
“Sure,” he said. “We can try. She might be busy right now, though.” He pulled out his phone
, but didn’t make the call yet. “But it might also be nice to see her again.”
She rubbed the pad of her finger between the puppy’s ears. “Would we have to do it at our house?”
When they’d talked about it before, he’d gotten the sense that his daughter didn’t want her grandmother coming to their house. Not yet. It was a protective measure, her therapist had told him. Their home was her safe place, and she was guarding what she was comfortable with—not easily opening herself up to rejection.
He could understand that completely.
And then he got a better idea.
“How about we go to California to visit her, and while we’re there, we can go see Jenna?”
Haley’s eyes went wide with excitement. “We can see Jenna?”
She missed her friend so much. They’d video chatted, too, but it wasn’t the same as having her friend in the same room with her.
“We can even stay with them.”
Haley started to jump up, then realized she still held Montana. Ben took the dog and placed him gently back in his bed, and Haley shot to her feet.
“Can we leave now?” she asked.
He laughed. “No, baby. Not now. We have to see when your grandmother will be home, and if Jenna will be. But if they’ll all be around, we’ll go this weekend. How about that?”
She nodded vigorously. “I’d love that. I haven’t seen Jenna in forever. Could we go see Dani too?”
The air went out of Ben’s sails. As she’d done since the day Dani left, Haley continued to ask about her several times a week. She couldn’t understand why her friend had simply disappeared.
“Oh!” Haley suddenly shouted. “Let’s FaceTime with Dani. She needs to see Montana.”
“No” immediately came to his lips, but he found that he was as near-desperate as his daughter to talk to Dani. Or, at least to see her. He’d forced himself not to ask Max about her any of the times he and Haley stopped by the house, but he needed to know that she was okay. Maybe then he could move on.
Maybe ask out Brandi Smith’s mom.
No.
He would never move on that much.
But he could use Haley as an excuse to see Dani. If she would take his call.
