We make a couple of trips back in to load equipment. Evita skips and grins the whole time.
When everything’s buckled in and we slam our doors closed, Evita squeals.
“Tonight was the best night ever!” She looks over at me expectantly. “Especially if you got your first kiss?”
“Sorry. Nope. It didn’t really work out that way.”
“Ah well. Next time.”
And I nod. Even though Bruno isn’t the one I want to kiss.
Sixteen
It’s past midnight when Evita pulls up to my house. It’s totally dark and I almost change my mind and go sleep at her place, but without Theo, it doesn’t feel like we should continue celebrating. “Good night, rock star,” I tell her.
“Back atcha. You have never played better nor looked sexier.”
I pfffff and roll my eyes. “Getting up for school is going to be terrible.”
“I might just stay up all night.”
“Have fun with that,” I say.
“Love you!” Evita calls once I get out of the car.
“You, too!”
I jog up the steps to my front porch. The house is quiet when I slip the key in the lock.
“Hey,” Theo says.
“Holy shit, Theo.” I put a hand on my heart, which is currently trying to escape my chest. “That is super creepy. I didn’t even see your car.”
“Sorry. Yeah, I parked around the corner.” Theo’s sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of my porch. His hands are shoved in a hoodie that is not nearly warm enough for how cold it is now. “I just had to talk to you.”
“Come in. Everyone’s asleep, so you have to be quiet.” I turn the knob extra carefully and lead him downstairs to the family room. “Why didn’t you say hi to Evita? Or, you know, text and warn me you were going to jump out at me?” I tease, but when he sits on the opposite end of the couch from me I see that he’s not in a joking mood. “What’s wrong?”
“Yeah. It’s stupid.” His face looks drawn and pale. His eyes are a navy mess of smudged and running eyeliner. “I was already in a shit mood, and then my dad basically told me I had to wash off the eyeliner or I couldn’t ‘sleep under his roof.’” Theo uses air quotes. “He’s convinced everything I do is just to push his buttons. Obviously, I was going to wash it off before bed. But it was the principle of the thing. I told him he was a homophobic asshole, and then I just walked out.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I just wanted to see you. And talk, maybe,” he says. His chin quivers, and I’m not sure I’d be able to stand it if he started crying. Not that I haven’t seen him cry before. We give him crap because when we watch tearjerkers, he’s always the first to grab a tissue. This is different.
I crawl over to him, ignoring the fact that I should maybe be keeping a bit of distance.
“What the hell is wrong, Theo?” I know it isn’t just his dad. He’s said that kind of thing before to Theo, but it’s never made him cry.
“Yeah. So. Lily Ann and I broke up.”
My heart pounds. “Oh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I know you guys never liked her. She was always so squarely in my corner and stuff, but that does not make up for how insecure she was about everything.”
“She’s insecure?” She always seems totally self-possessed. She’s the one person I know who doesn’t care if Evita hates her. Even the way she plays violin exudes confidence.
“Honestly, she was only insecure about you. But, I mean, you knew that,” Theo says.
I shake my head. “Except for the quartet thing.”
“Yeah, but it’s that, and the fact that you and I spend so much time together, and that you’re funny and smart and beautiful.”
“Shut up.” I laugh—my default reaction to compliments, I guess. “She did not say that.”
“Actually, she did.”
“Well. That’s sweet of her. But totally unfounded.” Except that Lily Ann would have every right to worry about my feelings for Theo. I just hope that particular thought isn’t written across my face. I swallow and do my best to keep my face neutral. But I’m dying to ask him a million questions. How does he feel about me? How much of his breakup was about me?
“Yeah. It was stupid. I just told her I wanted to play the quartet. I think it’s ridiculous not to.”
“Really?” I sigh. “I mean, it’s great you want to now, but I am not going back to our quartet. I’ve already switched my independent study to the birth stuff.”
“Yeah? God, I’m such an idiot. Sorry I busted it up.” He looks like he’s about to cry again, and I would do almost anything to keep him from that.
“No, it’s good. I like volunteering, and I feel way more into the Sparrows than I ever did about the quartet,” I say. “But, honestly, Theo, why didn’t you tell us what happened? Before the gig?”
“And ruin the good mood? Nah. It would have sucked to see Evita gloat anyway. You know that’s what she’ll do. I just wasn’t ready to tell her about it yet. Right before we got in the car, I finally texted Lily Ann to tell her to stop texting me. She kept wanting to discuss our feelings and how she thought maybe we could fix it if I was more loyal or some shit like that. But I am so done.”
“So. You broke up with her,” I clarify. For some reason, this is important for me to know.
“She threatened to break up with me over the quartet, and I sort of called her on her bluff. And it all just got so messy. Lots of crying and feelings. And then you and Evita were so happy. And Evita was being so pushy about you and Bruno and it just really bugged me.”
“Why? I mean, Evita’s pushy. You know this.” He doesn’t answer. I don’t tell him that nothing happened with Bruno, because I honestly don’t mind that he thinks it’s possible that something did. “You wanna watch TV?” Before he can answer, I reach for the remote and turn it on. “I’m gonna get in my pajamas. I still don’t feel like myself in this.”
“Well, you look amazing. But you always do.”
I blink. This is the kind of thing he always says. It just feels different. Maybe because he’s finally single. “I’ll be right back.”
In my room I wipe off the makeup and pull on my PJs. It’s only been a minute, but I hear a light rap on my door. I open it and Theo walks in, bringing in this energy that unsettles me.
“I’m actually sort of tired.” He smiles sheepishly.
“Me, too. I can’t believe we have to be up for school.”
He sits on my twin-size bed. “Is this okay?”
Oh god. It’s more than okay. But sleepovers when Evita isn’t here … this is new terrain. “Yeah,” I whisper, surprised at how badly I want him to stay here. To leave his smell on my pillow. “You have to be next to the wall, though.”
He grins, then kicks off his shoes and unzips his jeans. I look away and blush. He slips into bed, and I turn off the light and crawl in after him.
“My stepdad might not be too keen on this, by the way, so…”
“This is why I parked around the corner,” he whispers. “My alarm goes off at five. Is that early enough?”
I nod and wiggle until I get comfortable. We sleep next to each other all the time, but I’m trying not to touch him more than necessary. But he closes the space and wraps his arms around me. I wish I knew if this meant anything to him. Judging by how quickly he falls asleep, I doubt there’s the same amount of adrenaline running through him as there is for me.
* * *
It’s two o’clock in the morning and I’m not sure I’ve slept. I just keep staring at the clock and trying not to think about how warm and safe I feel with Theo’s arm around my middle. With a frustrated sigh I roll onto my back.
“You’re awake,” Theo whispers sleepily.
“Yeah. Trouble falling asleep.”
“Am I taking up too much space?”
I roll toward him, knowing full well that I’m opening some door that I should probably keep closed. I shake my head.
&nb
sp; “Thinking about your big night with the bass player?” There’s enough light for me to see his eyebrows waggling at me.
“No. Um … not such a big night. Nothing really happened with the bass player,” I say, biting my lip.
“Really?”
“Please. He’s a smoker. And too old.” It’s silent for a moment, sort of awkward. “First kiss will just have to wait until I’m thirty, I guess.”
Theo doesn’t respond right away. When I turn to look at him, I think maybe he’s looking at my lips. And now I’m definitely looking at his. I have to pull myself out of this.
“Theo—” I say just as he starts talking.
“I’ve never been anyone’s first kiss,” Theo says. He runs his fingers up my arm, and I fight the shiver I feel in my spine.
“Me, neither. Obviously,” I say, trying to keep it light.
“I’d like to be, though. Since the position is still available. I mean, if you want.”
The butterflies in my stomach multiply and begin flying everywhere. To the tips of my fingers, to my knees. “Well. I just…”
“It’s weird, right? But it doesn’t have to be. I care about you, so I just thought … you know, it might be better than some stranger Evita pushes on you, that’s all. Totally as friends.”
I don’t say anything.
“Forget it. I feel stupid for suggesting it.” He removes his hand and starts to roll away from me.
“No,” I say. “I think that’s a good idea.” Somehow, I feel brave when I say this, so I reach out for his arm this time. His strong cellist forearm and the curve of his biceps. I’ve always admired this part of him, but it never seemed okay to just reach out and touch him, as comfortable as he’s always been with the reverse.
He turns back toward me, and our noses are about six inches apart. He’s got this smile. It’s always been one of my favorite sights. He has deep dimples and crinkly, smiling eyes and expressive eyebrows. I might like his smile even more than his arms. “Is now okay?” he asks.
“Sure,” I say. It sounds so casual. But I have never been more alert in my life. He lays a palm on my cheek and brings his face closer.
I think I was expecting a peck, but he’s in no rush. It’s warm, feeling his lips against mine, and his nose brushing mine. And he moves slowly, pressing his lips harder against mine, then pulling slightly away and opening his mouth just a bit. At first it feels very technical, but as soon as I begin pushing back, it just becomes about sharing air and pushing and teasing, and when I feel his tongue brush my lip, I respond with my own.
It’s as sweet a kiss as I could have imagined, and when he pulls his face back and looks at me with a question, I just breathe out a sigh that embarrasses me immediately, so I cover my face with my hands. He laughs quietly and pulls my head into his chest. I fit so well, curled up into a ball, his legs curved below mine, his arms around me.
“Not bad for a novice,” he whispers in my ear.
I punch him playfully on his pecs.
“Shh,” he says, exhaling into my hair. “We should probably sleep, right? We have to get up for school.”
I nod, but sleeping is even harder than it was before. I just keep staring off into the dark of my room, and squeezing my eyes and my mouth shut tight to keep myself from making some embarrassing, joyful squeal.
Seventeen
“Look who’s here,” my mom says the next morning. I wake with a start. I glance beside me on the bed, but Theo is long gone. She means me. I’m here.
I don’t actually think my mom would be mad that Theo spent the night with me. She knows we sleep over at Evita’s. And she’d probably be happy that I had my first kiss and that it was so nice. And respectful. And affectionate. And sexy.
How did he leave without waking me? It all feels like a dream.
A very good dream.
“How was it?”
“Amazing.”
“Wish I could have seen it,” my mom says. “You are going to be late if you don’t get a move on, though.”
“Right. You guys should come to the next one. I don’t think parents will be banned from that one.”
“Oh yeah? You already have one lined up?”
I hop out of bed. “In a couple weeks. A Friday this time! Which is, like, pretty huge because that’s a big night.”
“That’s awesome. I want to hear all the details when you aren’t running late. And now I have to shove off for my shift.” She gives me a peck on the cheek. “Have a good day.”
“You, too. Enjoy meeting the babies.”
She nods and smiles, closing the door behind her. Even though I probably don’t even have time for a shower, I flop back onto my bed for a second, happy to find that my pillows smell like Theo.
* * *
It’s obvious at school that the three of us are dragging. Theo waits at Evita’s locker with coffees. I think maybe he gives me an extra-nice smile, but other than that, there’s no indication that anything happened last night. Maybe the kiss was a nice moment between friends and nothing more. Maybe it’s something I could tell Evita about and she’d just punch my shoulder and say “Finally!” But I can’t find a way to bring it up.
“Hey,” Theo says. “I just thought you should both know that Lily Ann and I broke up and I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Oh!” Evita says, trying to look surprised, which is exactly what I am also trying to do.
“Sorry, Theo,” I say. With this announcement, and using the word both, Theo is making it clear that we’re not acknowledging that he spent the night with me last night. My stomach gives a little twist. I don’t like having secrets from Evita. Keeping the kiss out of it was okay, but pretending like I didn’t talk to him at all after the gig? It feels almost like he wishes none of it had happened. Get it together, I chide myself.
Evita downs her coffee, then starts talking plans while we walk toward the music wing. “So, I’m already thinking about how we should try to incorporate the Sparrows into as much as possible at school next year. I mean, we’re going to have to do music assignments, so just think how awesome it’ll be to learn something in school and actually have it matter. Like we’ll learn stuff and it’ll make our band better. I just feel like we’ll have all the opportunities to play. None of this boring class stuff. And, like, when should we move up to Boston? Just think, after June, we don’t have to be limited by school anymore. We can tour. We can go straight to Boston. We can go anywhere. Maybe get an opening gig on a tour.”
“Evita, that sounds awesome. But this coffee hasn’t had enough time to kick in for me to think about all this,” I say. Along with not acknowledging the kiss, or the sleepover, I’m not acknowledging just how much volunteering with Shana has made me wonder about nursing school.
“Sorry about Lily Ann, Theo, but this is good. No emotional ties back at home while we tour. Right?” Evita asks.
“Sure,” Theo says. “Have fun in choir. Make beautiful music.”
When Evita heads to choir, Theo turns to me, eyebrows raised.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
“You left early.”
“I thought that was the plan,” Theo says as he carries his cello down the hall.
“Yeah. Sure.”
Just outside the orchestra room, Theo bends to whisper in my ear. “That kiss, Lacey…”
I blush, but as soon as we’re through the door, we get death stares from Lily Ann, and the little flutters of desire I was feeling vanish.
* * *
“This is so much better. I’m sorry you’re sad, Theo, but seriously, this whole table for just the three of us. Just the Sparrows.” Evita is grinning like a cat with a canary, so happy to have her best friends’ attention back where it should be. Only mine isn’t. I don’t understand how Theo has been so cool all day. Aside from his whispering in my ear, nothing is different. “God. I wish Alice were here. How awful is homeschooling? Like, she isn’t keeping the fact that she’s pregnant a secret
. Some kids from school were at the gig.”
“They were?” I ask.
“Yes. Martin McKinley already told me he thought we were great and that you looked really hot,” Evita says.
“He did not.” I roll my eyes at her.
“Jesus, Lacey, just accept your beauty.”
“She has a point,” Theo says with a grin.
“Whatever. Did he really like the music?” I ask.
“Duh. And he asked about Alice’s baby bump. And I told him to mind his own uterus. I don’t think he appreciated it. But anyway, if the secret is out, why doesn’t she just come back to school?”
“I kind of think it’s her mom’s idea. She seemed mostly okay with taking her GED and stuff.”
“I don’t know if I feel bad for her or jealous. Imagine if we could all just take our GEDs and rehearse all the time,” Evita says, and pulls out her phone. “I’m texting her. Coffee after school?”
“I can’t,” Theo says.
“What?”
“I promised Lily Ann we’d talk about stuff.”
“Theo!” Evita exclaims.
“Nope. You don’t get to have an opinion on this.”
“If you get back together with her…,” Evita threatens.
“Do you guys seriously think I have that little conviction?” Theo asks.
“I’m just worried she’ll seduce you and you won’t be able to resist.”
I have nothing to say in this conversation. Because I sort of worry about the same thing Evita does, except if anything like that happened, I’d now actually be pissed, as if I have some claim on Theo.
This is a recurring theme: some girl feels like she has a claim on Theo and he kind of goes along with it. I feel a little sick.
“I’ll call you as soon as I’m free. Now, let’s go get lectured on how to not be morally bankrupt,” Theo says.
* * *
Mrs. Einhorn isn’t the only teacher waiting for us in the classroom. One of the assistant principals, Ms. George, is there looking very stern. This cannot be good.
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 11
