“Wow, Lacey.” Theo shakes his head. But he’s definitely smiling.
“Sock it before you rock it,” I say as deadpan as I can.
“I’m writing that down on the instructions. Is it too late for us to print out new ones?” Evita asks, grabbing a stack of already-cut pages. “Is that ‘rock it’ two words or ‘rocket’ like the ship?”
“Well, I meant two words, but you should definitely have the condom in place before any blasting off occurs.” I giggle.
“Oh, Jesus. I’m gonna go raid your fridge while you ladies come up with innuendos. This is mortifying,” Theo says with a chipper smile.
“Either he is embarrassed because I know he’s chickenshit about buying his own condoms, or he’s hiding a boner,” Evita whispers. “It does not take much for him.”
“Evita! Stop!” Alice says, laughing.
“What? It’s just so strange, right? Boys just think it and then … you know … like … that’s it. That’s all it takes. Is that all it takes for you?” Evita asks.
“Takes for what? I don’t get boners,” Alice says. We’re all getting giddy, but seeing Alice laughing so much is nice. Except for when she’s singing, she’s looked serious or anxious whenever I see her.
“Yeah. That’s all pretty awkward…,” I say.
“You think it’s awkward now, wait until you encounter one…” Alice searches for the right word.
“Socially?” Evita offers.
“Yes, socially. Social boner interactions.” She laughs. “Like, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t find social vaginas nearly this hilarious.”
“Vaginas are so serious,” Evita says. “I’ve never encountered one … socially … but … I’m open to the possibility.” Evita giggles.
“Yeah?” Alice asks. “I thought the ace thing sort of meant you didn’t.”
“No way. It just means that I don’t want to, like, jump people that I just met. And I could take it or leave it, between you and me. Some ace people are sex-repulsed, and that’s fine, but I’m not. I just think dating girls would be nice.”
“We will find you a nice girl then!” Alice says. “Are there any other bi girls in the GSA?”
“None that hold a candle to you.” Evita grins. “None that I would want to see … socially.” Evita and Alice both start giggling. They are so punchy.
“You guys are nuts,” I say.
“Okay, okay,” Evita says, trying to get the laughter back under control. “Don’t make a big thing. But speaking of nuts—”
Alice snorts.
“I might have gotten asked out on a date by that guy Paul.”
“Senior seminar Paul?” I ask.
“Dude. He came to the last GSA meeting because he is totally gray-A, and he’s cute.”
“GSA is an excellent place to meet people who don’t mind talking about gender and sexuality and are generally enlightened,” Alice says. “Or at least it was before my mother made me quit. Too enlightened for her.”
“Dude. I haven’t met your mom, but she sucks,” Evita says.
“What did I miss?” Theo asks when he comes back in with soda and pretzels. “There were no bananas, or I would have suggested that as a snack.”
“Cucumbers?” Evita asks with a sly grin.
“I think my mom might have bought an eggplant,” I say.
“An eggplant!” Evita laughs. “When you aren’t feeling uptight about your lack of experience, you are hilarious.”
“Evita, she is not uptight,” Theo says. Maybe he noticed my shoulders stiffen at the word. “You told me yourself she was giving blow job advice.”
“Yeah, not on technique or whatever. But, yeah,” Evita says. “Sorry, Lacey.”
“You gotta stop giving me crap for not having a sordid history like you two.”
“You’re right. But that’s not gonna stop me from helping you create your own sordid history, now that I know that you want one,” Evita says. “Now where are the glow-in-the-dark condoms? We need to make these packs as fun as possible.”
I’m digging around in the shopping bag when I feel Theo’s hand on my leg, giving me a reassuring squeeze. The squeeze seems to say, We have a history she doesn’t know about, and for the millionth time I wonder if there was more to our kiss than a favor between friends. I hand Evita the box she asked for and dare to glance at him. He gives me the slightest possible smile and begins bundling the condoms into groups of three.
* * *
When Alice tells us she’s tired and wants to go home, she asks me to walk her out to her car.
“What’s up?” I ask her outside.
“I have a question. And you can totally say no.” Alice bites her lip.
“Sure,” I say.
“I know you’re serious about the doula thing and about coming to my appointments, but I realized I hadn’t asked you about maybe being … my doula.” She gives me a nervous smile.
“Oh my god, Alice, of course.” I grin. “I would love to!”
“Really?” she asks.
“Yes!”
“I don’t know why I was nervous to ask you.”
“It’s all a pretty big deal. I get it,” I say.
“I had so much fun today,” Alice says. “Seriously. What would I do without you guys?” She gives me a big hug. “Thanks, Lacey.”
She gets in her car and drives off. I practically skip inside, so excited to tell my mom and Evita and Theo that I’m officially Alice’s doula! And I didn’t think anything could possibly be more exciting today than condoms.
Nineteen
All three of us walk into school with our backpacks full of condoms. It feels decidedly badass. What doesn’t feel badass is how I keep obsessing over when I can get Theo alone to ask him what the hell is going on between us, because his silence is killing me.
“Locker four-twelve,” I read from the sticky notes Alice gave us. We stop in front of Alice’s old locker, and I spin the combination, trying not to look conspicuous. Of course, the harder I try, the more nervous I get, and I keep glancing around.
“Let us stand guard and you just focus on the task at hand,” Theo says reassuringly. Maybe they can hear my heart pounding. I’m exhilarated, but I also can’t stop picturing Ms. George standing in front of our class talking about suspension and expulsion.
“We need a spy movie theme song playing or something,” Evita says. “Like, some real walking-away-from-something-exploding-in-slow-motion jams.”
The locker opens, and it’s empty. At least I don’t have to worry that we’ll get caught breaking into a locker that belongs to someone.
I unzip my backpack and start shoving the “fun packs” and a few individually wrapped pads and tampons onto the shelf. When my backpack is empty, I step aside and stand guard as Evita unpacks hers.
“We need bins or something. This one shelf isn’t going to cut it,” Evita says.
“I’ll add it to the shopping list,” I tell her. “And if possible, just tell people the locker number and combo. Like, don’t write it down. I don’t think this project will last very long if there are notes with that info all over the floor. We’ll just tell people who ask our advice. Or maybe, Theo, if you hear guys bragging about sex or whatever.”
“I don’t actually hang out with any guys, let alone ones who brag about sex,” he says.
“Whatever. Just keep an ear out.”
The guy with the locker next to this one arrives and gives us a questioning look. Then he glances into the locker and his eyes get a little wider. “Are those…”
“Take a couple, if you want,” I offer.
“Oh. Sure.”
Evita hands him some with a huge grin. “Better safe than sorry.”
“Guys, hurry up,” I say, shifting my weight from one foot to the other.
“You don’t break the rules much, do you?” Theo asks.
“Like you do?”
“Only all the time. My dad has forbidden me from wearing makeup, remember?” Theo has decided to
make eyeliner part of his morning routine. “But honestly, that is one of the main reasons I find it so appealing.”
“I’m sure the looks you get from girls have nothing to do with that choice,” Evita says, zipping up her backpack. “I think people have heard you’re single again.”
“Oh. Yeah. Lily Ann is going around saying lovely things, I’m sure,” Theo says. He fills the bottom of the locker with the condoms he has in his bag.
“Screw her. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about how much other girls are flirting with you,” Evita says.
“They are not,” I tell her.
“Yeah, no way,” Theo says, slamming the locker shut.
“You’re just not observant. Everyone is smiling at him more. Everyone.”
I look around. The hallway is crowded, because we only have a couple minutes until first period starts. And sure enough, a lot of girls glance at Theo. Maybe it’s more than usual. Or maybe I just care more. I get this churning feeling in my stomach that someone is going to snatch him up now that he’s single.
“Maybe you better take some of these,” Evita says, slipping a bag into his back pocket. Even that bothers me. It’s not the first time Evita has reached into his pocket, fishing around for a wallet or his keys, but it’s the first time I really wish I had that closeness with him.
I slam the locker shut, way harder than I mean to. But how does anyone do this? How does anyone realize they like someone and then somehow find a way to be with that person, without clamming up or being anxious? How am I supposed to be around Theo and not want to touch him? Or shoot nasty looks at girls who flirt with him?
I hand Evita and Theo sticky notes with the locker number and combo. “Maybe don’t tell too many people today. I want to change the world but also not get caught,” I say.
“Roger that,” Evita says as we head to the music wing. When we get to the choir room, Evita gives us high fives. “Go team!”
I smile when we high five, but it feels forced. I’m mad that the anxiety I’m feeling over Theo, and over being caught, is overshadowing what should be a triumphant moment.
As soon as Evita’s in the choir room and Theo and I finally have a few moments without her, I give him a little shove.
“What’s that for?” Theo says.
“It’s super shitty that we haven’t had a chance to talk,” I say.
“Oh. Do we need to talk?” Theo asks.
“Are you kidding?” I ask. “Speaking to you without Evita around is impossible.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” He pauses right outside the orchestra room door. He glances around, checking for Lily Ann, I’m sure. “I’ve honestly been all over the place. I’m sorry.”
His eye contact is intense. These moments where it’s just him and me make everything else seem less important.
“I keep thinking about it, and I feel like you don’t, and it sucks,” I say, breaking eye contact.
“That’s nuts. I’ve been thinking about it. I’ve been thinking nonstop about kissing you and about how cool you are,” Theo says.
“Did you think at all how I might feel about it?” I ask him. “Like maybe you were only interested in kissing me because you thought I had kissed someone else. Or maybe you’re too embarrassed to admit that you did kiss me.”
“Embarrassed? Why would I be embarrassed?”
“Because it’s me. Boring, average me.”
“I don’t think that at all,” he says quietly.
I give him a second to tell me what he does think. But he’s staring at his shoes, that nice moment gone. Our orchestra teacher comes to the door as the bell rings.
“You joining us?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say. I give Theo four beats—a measure—of silence before sighing and walking into class.
* * *
Five minutes into lunch, and Theo won’t look at me. It’s not in a mean or even obvious way—he just seems to find reasons to talk nonstop to Evita about anything and everything. But I notice.
“I’m gonna head to the bathroom and see if anyone’s waiting for office hours,” I say, shoving the crust of my sandwich in my mouth and washing it down with my water.
“Should I come with?” Evita asks.
“I’ll text you if I need backup,” I tell her.
I shove the bathroom door open. I don’t even want to answer people’s sex questions, I just need a break from the “Theo mindfuck,” as I have now dubbed it. What if he doesn’t like me like that at all and just doesn’t know how to tell me? I’m not as pretty as Evita. And she and Lily Ann both totally have those elven looks: small features, big eyes. I’m probably not even his type.
Inside the bathroom, a girl I talked to before, Cam, is leaning on a sink. She’s with a friend. Cam nods toward me. “Lacey. This is Janie. She’s a freshman.”
“Hi, Janie,” I say.
“Hi,” she says.
“What’s up?”
Janie looks nervously at Cam.
“I won’t talk about anything you ask me. Confidentiality. And nothing embarrasses me. Nothing,” I emphasize. Except the fact that I kissed my best friend and he’s maybe not into me that way.
“My … boyfriend … he doesn’t go here,” Janie says. She looks so nervous.
“That’s okay,” I say, unsure what else to say.
“You want me to wait outside?” Cam asks.
Janie nods.
“So. He wants to do … stuff…,” Janie says.
“Do you? Want to?” I ask.
“Yeah. No. Totally. But, like, I’m so nervous about … it…”
“Well, it’s totally okay to be nervous. But you should communicate with him about your comfort level with everything and make sure you’re on the same page.”
“No. Specifically. Nervous about it.”
“Listen. I’m not going to judge you. But you have to tell me which ‘it’ we’re talking about here,” I say. “I could guess. But there are just so many guesses.”
“My vagina,” she practically whispers. Even though we’re alone in here, she glances around nervously.
“Okay. Like…”
“What if it smells?” she says suddenly.
“I totally get feeling self-conscious about that. But every person has their own smell. And as long as you aren’t noticing any new or concerning smells, which could be a sign of an infection, your smell is likely totally healthy. You can shower beforehand, but you don’t need to do anything special.”
“Like, what about good-smelling soap or spray or whatever?”
My mom has for sure covered this topic. Anytime there’s an ad on TV for feminine sprays, she positively loses her mind.
“Anything that has a strong scent can actually irritate your skin. Your vagina doesn’t need to be cleaned. Some warm water is fine, but that’s kind of all you need. Vaginas are pretty great at keeping their pH balanced and all that. And anyone who tells you that you need to smell a certain way is just trying to sell you something.”
“Just water?” she asks. “Really?”
“It’s that simple,” I tell her. “Is there anything else you’re worried about? Or have questions about?”
She just shakes her head.
“Well, if anything else comes up, you can talk to me. And if you or anyone you know ever needs condoms, there are a bunch for free in locker four-twelve and I can give you the combo to put in your phone.”
“Thanks,” she mumbles, pulling out her phone.
I tell her the combo. “Feel free to share the combo with your friends, but try not to write it down so we don’t get caught,” I tell her.
“I will,” she says, and she leaves.
I stand by the sink and look at myself in the mirror. I might as well wait here to see if anyone else needs advice or condoms. I don’t need to engage anymore with the Theo mindfuck.
I blink a couple times looking in the mirror. I always feel oddly self-conscious looking at myself in school bathrooms, like I don’t w
ant people to think I’m vain if they come in here. Meanwhile, every other girl seems not even to think twice before primping. I tuck a few wisps of hair behind my ears and sigh loudly, just as the door swings open.
“You coming back?” Evita calls, her voice bouncing off the tiled walls.
“Sure,” I say.
“Because we have band business to discuss,” she says.
“Should we have band meetings without Alice?” I ask.
“Mostly we’re discussing how we need to have an epic all-weekend rehearsal,” she says.
“You’re not a little tired after Wednesday night?”
“When has being a little tired ever stopped me?” Evita says. She comes and stands next to me, pouting in the mirror. “I look good,” she says. She makes a series of poses and faces in the mirror, admiring herself.
I sigh. Here’s Evita, proving we are so unlike each other that there’s no way Theo could like her and then me. She turns and looks at me quizzically. She can almost definitely tell something is bothering me.
“Come on. Did anyone need advice? Did you give out the locker combo?” Evita asks.
“Only to one person today so far.”
“That’s one less baby or new case of chlamydia,” Evita says, offering her hand for a high five.
“That’s true,” I say, slapping her hand with a minimum of enthusiasm.
“For the rest of the day, I’m going to make it my personal mission to tell everyone I know the locker combination,” Evita says.
“Everyone?” I ask. I love her enthusiasm, but subtlety is not her strong suit.
“Quietly. I won’t write it down. You’re not nervous about getting caught or something, are you?” Evita says.
“No, not really.”
“Okay, well, let’s get to senior seminar early, just in case we can pass the locker combo off to some new kids. Plus … I kind of want to say hi to Paul and nail down plans for our date tonight.”
“Sure,” I say. “You’re pretty excited about this date, huh?”
“Uh, yeah. Paul is cute and pro-safe-sex and he gets my identity,” she says. “I’m totally writing a song about that. Right? Like how sexy respect and consent are.” She starts singing, “You had me from the moment/you pulled it from your pocket/slide it on and I’ll be ready to rock it.”
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 13
