How do you make it hurt less the first time?
(I point out that foreplay and lubricant will help.)
You rock!
(Not a question, but appreciated just the same.)
If you need condoms for oral, what about hand jobs?
(I reply with a frank discussion about exchange of bodily fluids and how you still need to be aware of this even if it isn’t as obvious.)
Are you still going to do bathroom office hours?
(It’s a little late today, but I will tomorrow.)
“So, you basically know everything about everything at this point, huh?” Evita asks from across the table.
I look up from where I’m typing on my phone. “Well. No. I still have to research some stuff.”
“Still. I’m impressed. It wasn’t that long ago that you got all embarrassed when people talked about this stuff.”
“Give her some credit,” Theo says. “She knows her stuff.”
“But you’re still not, like, curious about firsthand knowledge?” Evita asks. “I mean, every allosexual person made it sound like such a big deal, and I wanted to know what it was like.”
“Evita, this again?” I say. But Theo catches my eye and raises his eyebrow, and I remember we want this to come up. We want Evita to suggest that I kiss Theo.
“I am curious,” I say carefully. “But I’m really not into the idea of trying to hook up with some random dude for experience.”
“Okay, hear me out. I speak from some experience here, and—no offense, Theo—but someone random guy might actually be preferable. That way, if things are awkward, which I think they always are, you don’t have to talk to him again. Or if, you know, you don’t like hooking up with that person, they won’t take it personally. No offense, Theo.”
“I think I might be a little shy to communicate openly with some random person.”
“See, I think it’ll be easier for you. You won’t worry so much about what he’ll think.”
Theo is having a hard time keeping a straight face, but from where he is sitting next to Evita, I’m the only one who is seeing his goofy grin, and I really don’t appreciate it.
“I mean, why don’t I just use a vibrator and call it a day,” I say. “Oh, wait…”
“Come on, Lacey. It’s not all about the orgasm.”
Theo can’t help it. He starts laughing.
“What is your problem?” Evita asks him.
“No problem. Lacey is just so not into your idea of a random hookup. Why don’t you offer to kiss her again?” Theo says.
“I do have excellent oral hygiene.” Evita smiles.
“I love you,” I say, “but you’re not my type.”
“Maybe you need to narrow down your type for me,” Evita says.
I have to fight the urge not to look over at Theo. “Well. Guys.”
“Yeah. That’s not that specific,” Evita says. “You’ll tell me if you want me to find you someone.”
“Okay, thanks,” I say, unsure how to make this conversation fit the plan. I am honestly not sure how Evita could miss the fact that there is someone right next to her who I might want to kiss.
* * *
Theo and I only manage to be alone for a minute after school. Somehow, he convinced Evita that she should buy all of us coffee and we should wait in my car so it could stay warm.
“Our plan failed,” Theo says from the passenger seat.
“Spectacularly,” I say. “We really need to figure out a way to tell her.”
“You want me to?” Theo offers.
“No. I really think I should tell her. Because…” I can’t finish that sentence. Because she still loves Theo, and this should come from me because we can actually talk about how she feels about it.
“Okay. That’s fine.” He takes a deep breath. “I love you,” he whispers.
I want to say it back. I know we only just got together. But I’ve loved him in some capacity or another for years. It’s that this particular way is new. I just can’t say it until Evita knows.
Twenty-six
The next morning, locker 412 is empty. Totally cleared out, and not by us. I let out a little yelp when I open the locker, and I slam it shut again.
“What?” Evita asks.
“Someone cleared it out,” I whisper. I look over my shoulder, suddenly paranoid that I’ll see Ms. George on a stakeout, ready to pounce and catch us.
“Everything?” Evita asks. “Whoa. Like … students who needed condoms, or…”
I start walking down the hall. “No, like the flyer was gone, too. And no way that many kids took things since Monday morning.”
“Slow down,” Theo says. “I mean, some kid could be a jerk and just decided he would take all the freebies. Right? I mean, that’s totally a dick move, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t mean anyone is onto us.”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know why someone would do that.”
“People are jerks,” Evita says with a shrug.
“But if I were a teacher, and I heard about the locker, that’s what I’d do. I’d empty it,” I say.
“Yeah. Except they didn’t change the combination or anything,” Theo says.
“That’s true.”
“And if we’re not already in trouble, then we probably won’t be,” Evita says.
“Maybe,” I say. Still, I can’t help feeling like we got caught. Or if it was another student who emptied it, that they’re laughing at me right now. It’s a sinking feeling. I’ve been so excited about making a difference and sticking it to the man, but I’m not actually cut out for rule breaking. “I should post on the Tumblr. If it was a teacher, I don’t want anyone getting in trouble for breaking into an empty locker.”
I pull out my phone and write a post announcing that locker 412 is empty.
“I still have enough fun packs of condoms in my bag for a decent orgy,” Evita says. “We should just hand them out to anyone who asks, or whatever.”
“Yeah.”
“Listen, even if the locker was only open for a few days, it made people feel less weird about condoms. That was the whole point, right?” Theo says. “You definitely made me feel less weird about them.” The tips of his ears turn pink.
“That’s something, I guess,” I say.
* * *
At lunch, I tell Theo and Evita that I am going to hang out in the bathroom.
“I’m coming with you,” Evita says.
“Guys. That’s not fair,” Theo says.
“You can’t come in the girls’ room. No one will want to discuss their menstrual cramps with you there,” Evita says.
“I can’t just sit at this table alone,” he says, dismayed.
“Then sit in the hall,” Evita says.
“Good idea. I’ll stand guard.”
“Uh. Sure,” I say.
Theo salutes us as we enter the bathroom. “I’ll be out here if you need a male perspective on anything.”
Inside, there are two girls standing by the sinks. “Hey, guys. What’s up?” I ask. It takes me exactly two seconds to get into professional-sex-advisor mode.
“I made Ashley come talk to you,” the shorter girl says.
“Ashley,” I say, “what’s going on?”
“Okay. So … maybe this is gross…,” Ashley starts.
“Get over it,” the other girl says. “Lacey is the one who told me about peeing after sex, okay? She probably totally saved my life.”
I guess that was her on Tumblr last night. She had recurrent, very painful UTIs, and she was afraid to keep going to the doctor for them.
“Okay, well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for, like, a year and half. So … you know … we’ve been…” Ashley turns red.
“Sexually active?” I ask.
“Yeah. We’ve been having sex.”
“Using protection?” I ask.
“Yeah. Well. Yeah. So … I’m on the pill now. But my boyfriend feels like that means he shouldn’t use a condom.”
> “Well, the pill won’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections,” I tell her.
“No. I know. He actually got tested and stuff. And I did, too. But…” She looks so embarrassed.
“Girl, you got tested and everything?” Evita says. “You rock.”
“Yeah. That is pretty awesome,” I tell her.
“The thing is, I sort of hate doing it. Without. It grosses me out. You know?” She looks at me. And I nod. Even though, well, I haven’t experienced that.
“Like, I hate it. It’s messy. Should I just get over it? He thinks I’m being crazy when I suggest using condoms. He says none of his friends use them.”
“Okay. Regardless of whether or not that’s true, what other people are doing does not matter. And just because you’re being fairly safe without condoms, the added protection is never a bad idea. But the most important thing is, you don’t like it. That matters. He needs to respect what you like and what you don’t like.” I used a dental dam when it wasn’t “necessary,” but it isn’t always about that. I’m speaking from experience, but not an experience I can acknowledge.
“But I don’t want to be some prude about it,” Ashley says. “I mean, he says it’s not as good with condoms.”
“Seriously, even if nobody else on the planet used condoms, if that’s what you’re comfortable with, that’s what you should do. Besides, how does he know that his friends don’t use condoms? I’d ask him if he’s in the room with his friends when they aren’t using condoms. You know?”
She sighs with relief. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Don’t be afraid to tell him what you need,” I say. And, oh my god, I sound exactly like my mother.
“Thanks, Lacey,” Ashley says.
“Oh. Don’t forget your party favors!” Evita says. She plops her backpack on the shelf near the mirror and opens it. Bags of condoms spill out.
“You weren’t kidding that you had a ton.” I laugh.
“Condoms for everyone,” Evita says. “In fact, take some for your friends.”
“Thanks,” the shorter girl says. She blushes as she grabs a couple bags.
There’s a knock on the bathroom door. “Theo! We’re almost done!” I yell.
“Ladies?”
It’s not Theo. Ms. George is standing just inside the doorway, and she does not look pleased.
Twenty-seven
Ms. George pulls a box out from under her desk. I don’t even have to look inside to know that it’s full of condoms and lube and pregnancy tests and dental dams and brochures for the local sexual health clinic and instructions for how to use a condom (drawings of penises included, because duh). She even has the flyer for the Tumblr.
Theo, Evita, and I are sitting in hard plastic chairs opposite Ms. George’s desk, and I’m shaking.
“Who does all this belong to?” Ms. George asks.
“Those belong to me. It’s a hobby. And I’m not sure what’s wrong with having these items. It isn’t a weapon or drugs or whatever,” Evita says.
“What exactly is your hobby?” Ms. George asks.
Evita grins like the Cheshire Cat.
“Don’t answer that,” Ms. George says. “Evita says this belongs to her. So, what do you two have to say? Lacey, you were clearly distributing these materials with Evita, and Theo, you were assisting.”
“Yeah,” Theo says. “That stuff is as much mine as hers.”
“Mine, too,” I manage, even though my throat feels like it’s full of cotton.
“Most of these items were found in what is supposed to be an unoccupied locker. Are you aware that distributing sexual paraphernalia falls under the category of distributing lewd material?”
“Paraphernalia.” Evita laughs. “Pretty sure there are rules against drug paraphernalia, and I don’t use the condoms as a bong or whatever. In fact, I know so little about smoking marijuana that I don’t know anything about bongs other than the fact that people make them and use them to smoke. This is just a health tool. Just like tampons. Or aren’t we allowed those? I know some people think using tampons means you aren’t a virgin. Is that what you’re asserting? Because I will defend my right to use a tampon with my dying breath. Even if I’ve got a shaky track record with them. Did you know they can actually sort of hide in your vagina and get stuck? Freaky stuff.”
“Evita,” I say. “Stop.”
“No.” She leans back in her chair. “Listen. I want my lawyer. Or my mom. Really, either will do. Bring our moms in, if we’re in trouble. Because you still haven’t told us what rule we’re breaking.”
Ms. George doesn’t look at all amused. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s giving Evita a chance to dig herself deeper into a hole. Or all of us. Or however that analogy would apply to this situation. She opens her desk drawer and pulls out the latest booklet of our tiny school district’s regulations. She flips through until she finds the page she’s looking for. She turns the book around on her desk, her fingernail pointing to a rule about distributing printed material.
We’re not supposed to at all unless we’ve been given preapproval by the administration. Furthermore, distributing violent, lewd, or otherwise harmful material is grounds for suspension or expulsion.
Expulsion. Oh my god.
Ms. George waits until all three of us have read that part.
“I know you were all in class the day I addressed my concern with distributing lewd material. Mrs. Einhorn believed the three of you were distributing those brochures. I thought I was very clear about the consequences. If you are found to be distributing lewd materials, you will be suspended. That’s what I told you last week, and that still stands.”
“We weren’t distributing anything! We were just … storing them,” Theo says.
“I saw Evita and Lacey distributing condoms,” Ms. George says.
“Okay, but that doesn’t really fit the rule against distributing flyers or whatever,” Theo says.
“There was a flyer posted in the locker about a website,” Ms. George says. “Furthermore, it is clear you were behind the brochures. Overall, you have been spreading lewd information throughout the school, whether it was on fliers or through contraband.”
“I’m sorry,” I cut in. “I’m confused. How is this lewd or harmful?”
“How is it lewd?” Ms. George repeats.
“Yeah. It’s not pornographic. It’s not objectifying. It’s not suggestive.”
“There are diagrams of penises in here.”
“Yes. Penises. Because that’s where you put a condom. There are also vaginas. Because that’s where you put tampons.”
“We are not equating tampons and condoms,” Ms. George argues.
“Why not? They are both sanitary health products,” I say.
“You don’t use tampons for sex.”
This is another one of those moments I feel like I’ve been training for my whole life. “Distributing literature on safe sex isn’t harmful. Making us sit in classes that demonize sex is. The ramifications are endless. Shame for normal sexuality. Which contributes to all sorts of shitty things, especially for women. Like slut shaming. And rape. Denying that the students in this school are having sex is ridiculous. They are. Whether or not you make them feel bad about it. Whether or not you prepare them for healthy decisions in that area. Whether or not you give them condoms. Telling us that only virgins are pure is bullshit. All of this is bullshit. It’s all bananas. We’re doing something good for the school. Everyone is walking around a little more prepared, and maybe a little more respectful. Because everyone at this school is damaged by puritanical attitudes and the bullshit you guys teach here.”
Theo is gripping my arm.
“The school’s health curriculum is not up for review here. But the consequences of your actions are,” Ms. George says. “I’ve heard what you’ve said. I’m going to talk to Mr. Crawley about this. You three wait here.”
She gets up stiffly. Once the door closes behind her, I let out a giant breath I was holding.
> “Holy shit, Lacey,” Evita says. “You might have just told her she was responsible for people being raped. I mean, I’m not sure I followed it entirely, but … damn.”
“That’s not what I meant, exactly. Did I just get us suspended or expelled?” I ask, looking between both of them.
Evita shakes her head. “Even if we get suspended, I’m sure it’ll be fine. We’re in this together, and, I mean, you did have a chance to get some of that frustration off your chest, right?”
I let out another breath. “I’m sorry if I just got us in more trouble.”
“Hey. If we get suspended, that just means some epic rehearsals,” Evita says.
“All we were doing was helping people!” I say.
The door opens again, and Ms. George and the principal, Mr. Crawley, enter.
“Guys,” Mr. Crawley says. He already looks fed up with us. “You knew you were breaking the rules. And you were disrespectful to Ms. George.”
“We were just giving her our opinion that none of this is lewd,” Evita says.
Mr. Crawley holds up a hand to stop her. “I’m taking disciplinary action, because we are very serious about putting an end to this. It’s not up to you to decide what is and is not lewd or unhealthy or harmful. You were warned about distributing lewd materials. In following the guidelines, you are getting two days’ suspension, starting with today. We’ll see you guys again on Monday.”
My heart starts racing. I don’t even know what that means. Will I fail assignments for those two days? That could affect all my grades. What happens when colleges get our final transcripts? Will we lose our spots in orchestra? Theo grips my knee because it’s starting to shake.
“I see that all three of you have independent studies,” Mr. Crawley says.
I jerk my head up when he says that. What does that have to do with anything?
“Yeah. We do,” Theo says.
“Having an independent study is a privilege for students with clean records.”
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 17
