“You’re going to go all the way.”
“‘All the way’? What a dumb expression.”
“Okay. Enough with your pickiness about sex terms. Will you allow his penis to enter your vagina?”
“Shh,” I say, blushing.
“Sorry. It seemed like you wanted me to be specific.”
“I don’t know, Evita. Like, I’m trying not to make that be a big thing.”
She smirks. “A big thing.”
“Oh my god.”
“I just want to know these things. I told you before we did it.”
“Yeah. Again, you did not need to do that.”
“But friends talk about this stuff,” Evita says, with a pout.
“I’m so grateful you are being cool about all this. But I feel like I need to draw the line somewhere. You can’t know every detail of that. Not because I don’t love you. I’m just not into talking about things before I’ve had a chance to sort of keep them to myself.”
“I do not understand the impulse to keep anything to yourself. But I guess I respect it.”
“Thanks. And … maybe … could you not, like, call or text us too much while we’re camping?”
“Why?” she says way too loudly.
“For Christ’s sake, Evita, because we might be…”—I drop my voice—“doing it for the first time, okay?”
“Say no more. I shall not disturb you and your first experience of sexual intercourse.”
“Thank you.”
Theo comes back with a pretzel. “What did I miss?”
Evita snorts.
“Evita thinks I should wear wool socks,” I say.
“And I think Theo should wear something else,” Evita mumbles.
“Oh Jesus!” I say loudly, not caring when people turn in their seats at my outburst.
Thirty-one
My stomach is full of butterflies when I get into Theo’s car after school on Thursday. I have a duffel bag full of warm clothes and blankets, a toothbrush, and condoms, which I might be using today. Oh my god. I did not think I would be nervous. I have to let out a shaky breath before turning to him and smiling.
Theo’s backseat is full of various nylon drawstring bags I guess are a tent and sleeping bags. There are a few grocery bags of snacks. He has the biggest grin on his face. “I have surprises for you.”
“Oh yeah?”
He looks devilish. “Big surprises.”
“Well, that’s a little cocky,” I tell him. A feeble attempt at a penis joke. And I’m not sure it’ll even come across.
It does, because he gives me this shocked look. “Are you saying my cockiness isn’t deserved?”
I shrug. “Not much to compare it to.”
“Well. Yeah. But I figure, a tall guy like me … big feet … all that.” He smirks. “No, but seriously. We can discuss that in great detail later. Check it out.” He reaches past the pillows and the sleeping bags and pulls out a large gift bag.
“You got me a present? For our date? I didn’t get you anything.”
“Open it.” He grins. “I’ve been holding on to this for a long time.”
“I can tell.” The big bag is crinkled and scuffed. Who knows how long it’s been floating around his messy backseat.
“Open it!” he demands.
I dig through the layers of mismatched tissue paper and put my hand on something plush. “A teddy bear?” I ask him. It’s not the kind of thing he’d buy me. We haven’t been a couple long, but I know we aren’t a chocolate-and-flowers kind of pair. So I pull out the yellow stuffed toy. It’s like a cross between a flying saucer and a fried egg. It has two cute eyes on the top of its round middle.
“There’s more,” he says gleefully.
I pull out a blue peanut-shaped stuffed toy, with the same adorable eyes. Then a purple creature shaped like a spiral. There are half a dozen in all.
“These are … cute,” I say.
“Do you know what they are?” he asks.
“No.”
“I’m a bit disappointed in you, Burke,” he says. He points to the yellow one. “This is herpes. And I also gave you HPV, syphilis, and gonorrhea. Oh, and an egg and a sperm. Those ones have to stay separated.”
“Oh yeah!” I say. “That is a sperm! I was thinking tadpole.” I laugh.
“Who knew sperm were so cute?”
“I mean, these are awesome. What’s the occasion?”
“So. I bought these when I got my clean bill of health from the clinic. And the plan was, once we, you know, had sex, I’d give them to you all apologetic, like, ‘I have to tell you something: I gave you HPV.’ Then I’d pull this out and we’d have a good laugh about it. And then later I’d give you syphilis. And we’d laugh about it. But, well, I realized that it might not be terribly politically correct to give you a gift just because you had sex with me. So I’m giving them to you just for being awesome and for being willing to go camping in November.” He grins.
“You know me so well.”
“Really, they’re educational tools.”
“Right. A girl did ask me about syphilis the other day.”
“See! This could come in handy.”
I nod.
“So, you ready to go camping?” he asks. He’s so giddy. He rubs his hands together and puts the car in reverse.
“I really love you,” I tell him.
* * *
The campsite is cheesy. It’s one of those family camping grounds with a pool and an arcade and pictures of cartoon bears and deer on all the signs. And it’s muddy, because it’s thankfully very warm for November. It’s also deserted. The woman in the office smirks when she sees us. Because we’re two teenagers, giggling, plastered to each other, and it’s the middle of the afternoon.
“I honestly thought you’d be the backwoods kind of camper,” I told him.
“Oh. I really thought you’d want a bathroom and warm water,” he said.
“I was fully prepared to rough it,” I tell him.
“Noted. We can go somewhere else, but, like, it’s an hour to the state park where there’s at least bathhouses. Otherwise you gotta dig to bury your poop.”
“Yeah. I’m not into roughing it that much.”
“Then this is home for the night.”
Theo pitches the tent in about five minutes flat despite me being absolutely no help. It’s a little mildewy, and it’s very small.
“It’s a two-man tent,” Theo says defensively.
“Two very small men.”
“Or two men very comfortable with each other,” he says as he bends to kiss me.
He opens the car door and begins tossing things inside the tent. Pillows, blankets, an oversize sweatshirt that I’m pretty sure belongs to Evita, and our new plush toys. He doesn’t set any of it up, but instead dives in with enthusiasm and then grabs my hands and pulls me in behind him. I laugh as I fall off balance and tumble into the tent. I’m impressed to see that Theo can actually sit up all the way in the small tent. It feels bigger on the inside than I thought it would. I was nervous about the idea of fooling around in here, like everyone would know and it wouldn’t feel private, but at this moment, it feels like our own space and I suddenly don’t care about anything outside of it. Especially when Theo zips the flap closed and pulls his sweatshirt off and then his T-shirt.
“You’ll freeze!” I tell him.
“I won’t.” He grabs this scratchy Southwest-style blanket and burrows in right next to me. “I actually think you might get too warm.” He tangles himself up with me, and I laugh, and we kiss. He’s right. I warm up quickly, but the shock of air when he pulls my shirt over my head is still cold.
I let out a surprised breath, so Theo pulls the blanket tighter around me and presses his own warm chest against mine. His belt buckle grinds into my thigh.
“Ouch,” I say. I reach to unbuckle it.
“Sorry.” He grins. His grin gets wider still because I start to unbuckle his pants. Because I know. I want to do this.
“I think we should…,” I say.
“Should what?” he asks. He takes some of his weight off of me and lifts his head up enough to look into my eyes.
“I mean, you know, let it happen naturally and everything,” I say, my face reddening to probably a record shade.
“I’m sorry, what are you talking about?” he teases.
“You know!” I say.
“I just want to make sure we are on the exact same page,” he says. “I think that’s important for both of our sakes, don’t you?”
“I am consenting to sexual intercourse with you, so long as you take every measure to be gentle and safe,” I say. My eyes start watering. It’s weird. I didn’t think this would feel so important. Or like such a big step. We’re already so intimate. I’ve seen every part of him and felt every last inch of his skin. And I’ve been so vulnerable with him. Even if virginity is a construct, this is still new.
“You okay?” Theo asks quietly.
“It’s just so big,” I say.
He laughs, and I realize what I’ve just said.
“That’s not what I mean!” I say, overcome with giggles myself.
“Just go with it!” he says.
“I cannot believe I just said that.” I put my hands over my face.
“Don’t worry about it.” He moves my hands away from my face. And he looks at me, no longer laughing or smirking. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. And I’m ready. Okay?”
“More than okay. But you’re not ready.”
“What?”
“I mean, I’m going to make you more ready.” The smirk is back, and he unbuttons my jeans and kisses me down my body. “Did you still want to use a dental dam if we…?”
“No. That’s fine.” I blush. “It’s fine without … if you don’t mind.”
“Say no more,” he says.
He continues to kiss my stomach and then the tops of my thighs. “Oh,” I say when he puts his hands there, and then his mouth. “Oh,” I say again, only this time it’s completely involuntary.
It doesn’t take me long. And I can’t believe there’s more we can do. But he’s right. I am ready now. He pulls a condom out of his pocket, then hands it to me.
“You can check the expiration date,” he says.
“I trust you,” I tell him.
He grins, and then he’s naked and rolling the condom on, and it strikes me then that it’s a practiced move. I try to banish the thought.
But soon he’s over me and his hand is there and he’s guiding himself in, and all thought just goes away. Because I don’t really care about anything else in the world right now.
* * *
“So. Was that okay?” Theo asks.
I roll my eyes, and when I pfffff Theo laughs. “You were there. I think you know it was okay.”
“But just okay?”
“Are you trying to embarrass me?” I ask him.
“No, I’m just fishing for compliments,” he says.
“You are a sex god. Okay?”
“That’s more like it.”
The question resurfaces. “So. I mean. You’ve done this before…”
“Yes…”
“I mean, and you were people’s first.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to be all ‘I don’t kiss and tell’?”
“What do you want to know?” he asks. He sticks a foot out of the blanket, because it really did warm up in here.
“I don’t want, like, tons of details or anything—”
“So, like, an overview. There were three other people.”
Wait. This is news to me. “Three? Jesus, Theo, after hearing about you and Evita, I didn’t think you kept that sort of thing from us.”
“Yeah. Well, the first time for me was stupid. In a car after that party freshman year. You know, the one with all the older music kids?”
“Yeah. Pretty sure that was, like, the only party we went to that year.”
“It was awkward. Like, we snuck out to the car and it was totally all her and I just went with it because, well, freshman guy.”
“You never told me.”
“I was sort of embarrassed. We didn’t talk after that at all. Ever.”
“Who was it?” I ask.
“Remember Michelle?”
“Cellist Michelle?” I ask, shocked. She was two years ahead of us. She was gorgeous and talented. She had this perfect long, straight, shiny black hair. And I’m sure her thighs didn’t rub together when she walked and her chin didn’t break out every month. The things I used to worry about resurface.
“It was so awkward. We were stand partners, too.”
“Did Evita know?”
“Yeah. Why do you think she was so eager to try it herself? God forbid she be less experienced than someone. But Evita and I really only hooked up a couple times before she decided she didn’t like having sex with me. So that was a huge confidence booster, as you can imagine.”
“That sucks.” I don’t ask about Lily Ann. I really don’t want to know. But I get the feeling maybe she gave him more confidence.
“Well. The confidence thing is a bit better. Because, well, you just called me a sex god.”
I smile at him. “Well. If the shoe fits.”
I sit up and start fishing through the pillows and blankets for my clothes.
“Where are you going?” Theo asks.
“I’ve gotta run to the bathroom. It’s important to pee after sex to prevent bladder infections,” I tell him.
“I’ll start working on dinner,” he says, reluctantly reaching for his own clothes.
I start unzipping the tent.
“Wait,” he says. He kisses me on my nose. “I love you. I love that you are going to pee to prevent a bladder infection. And I love that you can relax around me. And that I can make you happy.”
“I love you, too. But you’re a doofus. What’s for dinner?”
“Peanut butter sandwiches.”
“Perfect.”
We pool our pocket change and get M&M’s for dessert. The cheesiness of the campsite melts away as it gets dark. All that’s left is the quiet and the stars and Theo. Even though we’re twenty minutes out of town, we are much higher in the mountains, and the air is now bitterly cold. But the mountain cold is somehow welcome while you look up at the stars.
“No mountains in Boston,” Theo says.
“Nope. But they’re not too far away.” I lean into him. He doesn’t have camping chairs, and we didn’t get around to building a fire, so we’re wrapped in blankets, leaning on a wheel of his car. “It’s beautiful.”
“I sort of forget our town’s in the middle of this,” he says.
“Hang on, you sap. Are you actually gonna miss this place when you’re in Boston?” I elbow him.
“You keep saying that.”
“Saying what?”
“Saying ‘you’ instead of ‘we.’ Like you aren’t even entertaining the idea of Berklee anymore.” He goes quiet. The arm around my shoulders squeezes a little tighter for a moment.
“It’s just that you’re definitely going, and I’m not necessarily. But I’ll be close by either way. And I’m still not used to ‘we.’ Okay?”
“I realize it’d be stupid of you to hang all your plans on me. But I want you to be with me and Evita next year. Things could be so great.”
“I realize it’s not possible to totally forget about the future, but I kind of just want to focus on right now. And, well, how much fun we’re having.”
“This is the absolutely best kind of fun,” he agrees.
“And we can have more fun,” I say. I clap a hand over my mouth. I still can’t believe it when flirtatious things fly out of my mouth. But he laughs and I go with it, leading him back to the tent for the night.
Thirty-two
My mom lets me stay home from school on Friday, but only because I made a case for our gig being an educational and professional experience. After Theo and I pack up the ca
mpsite we drive to Evita’s apartment, where Alice and Evita are already running through some of our songs.
“Hi!” Evita says brightly the moment we walk in. She gives me a questioning look. But I roll my eyes at her. If I’m going to tell her about last night, it will not be in front of Theo. I feel my cheeks redden, though, which is enough of an answer for Evita.
We run through our whole set list, and we play without a hitch. “Isn’t a bad last rehearsal good for a performance? Should we be worried that we sound awesome?” I ask.
“No way. I think things have clicked because we’re all just having fun and not, you know, keeping any secrets,” Evita says.
“Ugh. I totally played terribly last week. I’m so sorry,” Theo says.
“Don’t sweat it. We’re on the same page now. But we do need to clean up that passage in ‘Super Eighteen.’ Like, crisp sixteenth notes. And the clapping needs to be sharper.”
After we drill those sections, Alice asks if we can take a little break. “I just need some water,” she says.
We decide to look at Boston apartment listings during the break. I don’t remind them I might be living a couple hours away.
“We only need a two bedroom,” Evita says. I glance at her, thinking she’s going to tell me she thinks I should go to nursing school. “Like you two are going to need your own rooms.”
“Good point,” Theo says, putting his arm around me.
Evita looks at the time. “We need to pack up in an hour. I’m hoping we can run through some of the set when we get to the Map. Maybe we should just chill until then.”
“That does not sound like my favorite dictator,” Theo says.
“I think Alice is a little tired,” Evita whispers.
Alice comes out of the bathroom. “Sorry, guys. I’m just not feeling that great.”
“Let’s tuck you in so you can get a nap in,” Evita says, jumping up from the couch. “I’ll find you a nightshirt or something.” She’s really turned into Alice’s guard dog lately. She gets Alice set up in her room and then comes back out to where we are looking at maps of Boston and trying to make sense of the public transit system.
Twenty minutes later, Alice emerges but goes back into the bathroom.
The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me Page 21
