by C. T. Phipps
Maria shouted down the hall. “We’re ready to find the artifacts! Show us what we have to do!”
“Who are you talking to?” I asked, confused.
“The Guardian of the Temple,” Maria said, simply.
“You must pass three trials to find the antechamber. Tests of Courage, Wisdom, and Strength.” The big booming voice we’d heard earlier spoke. “Only those who pass all three tests will be judged worthy of the final challenge. Those who slay one of the monsters guarding the Three Great Treasures will be allowed to take one.”
“Three great treasures?” I asked.
“The Eye of Odin, the Spear of Odin, and the Golden Apples,” Maria explained.
“I was being rhetorical. Besides, it’s technically two great treasures since Tom Terror took the Eye. I feel like any test of wisdom that doesn’t weed out Nazis is also a poorly designed one.”
“I said wisdom, not being a scumbag.”
I blinked. “Wait, you’re not just a generic spooky voice?”
The voice didn’t take the time to answer. “Time for the Trial of Courage! Unleash the draugr!”
That was when a bunch of screaming undead Vikings ran at us from the other side. They were mummified corpses dressed in armor and wielding Medieval weapons. All of them had glowing eyes and reeked of powerful necromantic energy. Not even the monsters during the zombie apocalypse in Falconcrest City had felt as powerful or as deadly.
“Huh, Viking mummies,” I said, before turning around to blast them. “That’s new.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
RIDDLE ME THIS, CLOAKMAN
“Murder, murder, murder,” I said, blasting mummified Viking after mummified Viking. They charged at me like zombies and didn’t have much intelligence. In fact, the actual zombies I’d fought in Falconcrest City had been much more cunning.
These bastards just charged at me with battle axes, swords, hatchets, and clawed hands. A few of them could shout magic spells in the language of dragons, which I believed was straight up copyright infringement. There were two more for every one I struck down and soon I ended up flanked from behind by another group of endless undead Northmen. Though, assuming these were Vikings from the Hollow Earth, that would actually make them Centermen. Weird what kind of things you think about in the middle of combat.
Maria wasn’t standing still, though, as she blasted mummy after mummy with her own significant magical powers. I regretted the fact that I’d turned her back into a human since a vampire Spellbinder would have been a lot more helpful. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure her falling would be a bad thing. It would spare me having to tell Diabloman I’d killed his sister when it came down to one of betraying the other.
“We’re being overwhelmed!” Maria said, throwing up a magical shield to give us a few seconds of breathing room.
“No kidding!” I said, stretching my neck out. “You know I’m a bit out of practice fighting hordes of the undead. There was a time when I could have just blasted all of these guys to pieces.”
Maria stared at me. “Then why don’t you?”
“I’m saving all of my nasty Dark Side Sith powers for you.”
“We need to work together if we’re going to survive this.”
“Oh?” I asked. “Is that how you convinced all of the other heroes to ignore what a frigging monster you are?”
“Gary, you have a body count in four figures and yet somehow people still think you’re a harmless goof. Don’t talk to me about being a monster. As for how I got everyone to work with me, it was a combination of the fact we were facing a bigger threat and the fact I can control people’s minds.”
“You’re just admitting that, huh?”
“I figure the more I make you angry, the more likely you’ll be able to unleash some of that sweet-sweet unholy death magic. We need a demigod to fight against the Nazis down here and unfortunately you only get your juices flowing when pissed off.”
“Yeah, well, you never got my juices flowing because something-something, you’re not attractive. Insult, insult.” I paused. Not because I’d run out of snark to throw at her, though I obviously had. “Wait, hold on. Something you said.”
A huge Draugr with a glowing war hammer began smashing the energy shield, causing Maria to fall to her knees and cracks to form on it. “Could our argument wait a bit?”
“Nope,” I said, cracking my knuckles. “I just remembered that I control the Orb of Death!”
“For something other than making me nauseous?” Mandy asked as her shield dissipated.
“That I can resolve all of this with a snap,” I said, snapping my fingers.
I then drained all the necromantic energy from the draugr surrounding us and used that power to draw still more energy from them until they turned to powdery dust. There were close to a thousand of them destroyed by the end. It left me feeling like I was close to full power and capable of working incredible miracles. Then it slowly ebbed away because I wasn’t strong enough to hold onto it.
Maria looked at me. “Unbelievable.”
“Thank you,” I said proudly, as I saw the hundreds of piles of dust and pieces of armor scattered down both ends of the hall.
“No, I mean that you can do advanced complicated magic like that but completely screw up the simplest things.”
I shrugged. “I actually have no idea how magic is supposed to work so I make it up as I go along. I call it Better Living through Ignorance.”
“Uh-huh,” Maria said, shaking her head.
“Like the fact Neil Peart became the world’s greatest drummer by choosing to do an amazing set of fast triplets on timbales during the song ‘Time Stands Still’. He got the idea from a Genesis song that did the same. However, they had done it by slowing the tape down during recording.”
Maria blinked. “Are you really taking the time to discuss Rush’s drummer during our quest for a mythical spear?”
“It appears I am,” I said, pausing. “It’s like the old saying goes: you’re either a Beatles fan or a Rolling Stones fan. Given it took me thirty years to figure out the former was a pun and not a misspelling, I’m the latter.”
Maria threw up her hands and walked down the hall. “You’re going to be the first one against the wall when the revolution comes, Gary.”
“Speaking of revolutions, how the hell did you get to be queen of the Norztec people down here? That was a pun on Norse and Aztec, by the way.”
“Yeah, I got that,” Maria said, walking to the end of the hall from where I’d managed to clear out all the traps. “As for how I became queen of Nur’Ab’Sal, it’s fairly simple—I killed the previous queen.”
“In single combat?” I asked. “Are we really in one of those ‘you keep what you kill’ societies? Because, honestly, I really think they’d do better with elections.”
“No, I turned her into a vampire then revealed it to the public after she fed on a few members of her court. I slew them all and was proclaimed a hero for it.”
I blinked. “Wow, you aren’t even trying to be a hero anymore, are you?”
“Says the guy with the idiotic codename of Merciless: The Supervillain without Mercy.”
I paused. “It’s less stupid than yours.”
“Excuse me? What’s wrong with Spellbinder?”
“Not Spellbinder; Night Empress.”
“Night Empress is an awesome codename,” Maria snapped.
I rolled my eyes. “They don’t have night in the Hollow Earth. Does anyone here even know what night means?”
Mandy blinked then cursed. “Godsdammit.”
“Oh will you two just screw and get it over with,” the mysterious voice intoned.
“Thank you, I’m good,” I said, looking up at the ceiling.
“Who are you?” Maria looked up.
“My name is not important,” the voice said.
“It’s Odin,” I said. “It’s the Temple of the Aesir. It’s Odin’s spear. Mysterious voice making enigmatic proclamations. It’s Odi
n.”
There was a pause. “Not necessarily.”
“Come on, really?” I asked. “I mean, what was your next move? Show up as a one-eyed old man in a cloak and give us the next challenge before dramatically revealing yourself after we’ve solved it?”
“You’re not getting into the spirit of things, Gary.”
I shrugged. “You’re not my god, either, so that makes us even.”
“What is the next challenge!?” Maria shouted, shaking her fists at the darkened hallway before us. It had no twists or turns but led straight into an empty void. Looking back, I also saw that the previous hallway had vanished.
“No, Gary has ruined it,” Odin said, sighing. “If you’re not going to take this seriously, you’re not going to be able to get my magic items.”
“I’m taking this seriously!” Maria shouted. “What kind of sexist bull is this?”
“Hey, I had Valkyrie! I was progressive by ancient deity standards!” Odin snapped. “But fine, if you want the second test then we’ll do a standard riddle contest.”
“Just don’t make it a riddle where the answer is time, mountains, or something similarly easy,” I asked. “Let’s step up our game a bit here.”
Maria slapped my chest.
“Fine!” Odin growled, clearly having planned to use one of the classics. “Why is a raven like a writing desk?”
Maria looked appalled. “That’s cheating! There’s no answer to that riddle! That was the point. Also, what does Alice in Wonderland have to do with the Norse gods? This is the second time you’ve referenced them!”
Odin didn’t answer her question. Instead, he bellowed, “Answer or stay imprisoned for all time in my labyrinth!”
“They were both written on by Edgar Allan Poe,” I said.
“Wait, what?” Odin asked.
“People have had literally century to come up with an answer,” I said.
“What’s in my pocket?” Odin asked again.
“Whatever has been put inside it,” I said. “I’m better at this than Gollum. Better looking, too. My wife used to call me a dorky Legolas.”
“What is the average air speed velocity of a laden swallow?” Odin asked.
“African or European?” I asked.
“African,” Odin said, cheating in our Monty Python and the Holy Grail one-off.
“Twenty-four miles per hour,” I said, simply. “Wikipedia.”
That was when the door at the end of the hall opened. “Very well. You truly are one of Earth’s most knowledgeable mortals. Well, mortal-ish.”
“In the Socrates sense of knowing I know nothing at all? Yes,” I said. “Well, nothing and endless amounts of pop culture.”
Maria just stared. It was clear that my winning a riddle challenge with the gods had broken her brain. “I will never believe the universe makes sense again.”
“The real question is why you ever bothered believing it in the first place,” I said, walking down the hallway and turning insubstantial to avoid the columns of flame triggered by the traps Odin had put in the wall.
Because if you ever trusted a god specifically identified as a Trickster then you weren’t long for the world. The only divine being anyone had a consistent track record in defeating was the Devil and that was only if you were good with a fiddle, court challenges, or a clever peasant.
Maria followed me, protecting herself with a defensive shield. “I wonder what the next challenge will be. It’s supposed to be a test of strength.”
“I hope it’s karaoke.”
Maria felt the bridge of her nose. “Gary, why the hell would it be karaoke?”
“I didn’t say it was,” I replied, heading through the door. “I just am hoping it is karaoke. I’m fully capable of singing both halves of Toto’s ‘Africa’ despite the fact it was designed to be sung by two people with different vocal ranges.”
“Jesus,” Maria said, making me uncomfortable since she still looked like Mandy. Mandy had been a Wiccan and never would have sworn by him. I tried not to let it bother me but that wasn’t going to happen.
“If we do sing karaoke, we can do Paula Abdul’s ‘Opposites Attract’. I’ll let you sing the cat,” I said, regretting it instantly as it was a song I’d loved singing with Mandy. Mind you, she was a former professional singer and I was autotuned all to hell when I was a member of the Black Eyed Peas (long story).
The room on the other side of the door led to a fabulous treasure room. I’d mentioned earlier that I wanted to find a Smaug-sized treasure hoard in hopes of recuperating my losses and this certainly fit the bill. It was easily three or four football stadiums in size and at least fifty feet in height. There were piles and piles of gold coins in every direction, jewels thrown about haphazardly, and spears spread throughout.
I mean, thousands of spears made of gold or silver that were richly decorated. They were prominently displayed in the grip of bejeweled Odin statues or in display cases sticking out of the horde around us. At the center of the chamber was an enormous bronze brazier that burned with a fire the size of a two-story building.
“So, yeah, this just screams trap doesn’t it?” I asked.
“Ya think?” Mandy asked, looking around.
“Yeah, if we touch any of the treasure, then a monster will appear, or we’ll be cursed, or the entire place will collapse around us.”
Mandy nodded. “Wanna bet the spear is the only one that looks beat up and covered in blood?”
“I don’t take sucker’s bets,” I said. “It’s almost certainly the only spear that looks like it was made for killing people instead of decorating someone’s wall.”
It was then a bolt of lightning descended from the ceiling like the ones that turned Ken and Reyan into superheroes. This one, however, turned into an old man dressed as a fisherman with one eye. He had a long thick beard but was dressed pretty modern for an ancient Norse God.
“Can I get some petitioners who are not quite as genre savvy as you two?” Odin asked. His voice was every bit as booming as when it had emanated from the walls around us.
I raised my hands. “Listen, it’s not my fault that this genre has been played out. I’m just glad you didn’t have an enormous ball rolling down the tunnel. Also, I do want to know what’s with all the pop culture references. That’s normally my sort of thing.”
Odin shrugged. “After Ragnarök, there wasn’t much to do but watch television as the world left us behind.”
“Wait, after Ragnarök? Didn’t you guys die in that?” Maria asked.
Odin frowned. “We did. It was at the end of the universe when Diabloman brought an end to all things.”
I grimaced. “He’s never going to live that down, is he?”
“No!” Maria snapped. “No, he is not!”
Odin shrugged. “The Society of Superheroes brought us back with the Great Cosmic Reboot and we returned along with the new universe, rather than being left to enjoy our afterlives. Baldur was very disappointed. It left us free of our fate but without any purpose to our lives. Thor, at least, tried to be a hero. He ended up dying in the Eternity Tournament.”
I grimaced. I remembered the Eternity Tournament opening with Entropicus tossing Thor’s head down the steps of his palace on Hell Island. I hadn’t given it much thought at the time, Thor just being another mythological figure to me, but hundreds of heroes had been killed there. It had meant many worlds were deprived of their champions and were now suffering from that loss. Worse, many families were stripped of their loved ones with semi-omniscient beings like Odin being the only ones to know the reasons why.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
Odin closed his one good eye. The other was an empty socket. “Don’t be. He died fighting evil, and while I’d love to see Entropicus destroyed for good, that is not my fate. It might be yours, though.”
“I don’t believe in fate,” I said.
Odin just laughed at me.
“So how do we get the spear?” Maria asked. “What’s the fin
al test?”
Odin opened his good eye and looked between us. “One of you must defeat the other.”
“We’re not going to—” I started to say.
Only to be blasted in the back by Maria.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL
I woke up about half an hour later, which meant I’d gotten both barrels of Spellbinder’s power. I felt like I’d had to regenerate an entire back full of third-degree burns and it was a miracle I wasn’t dead. Actually, I wasn’t sure what could kill me. I decided to avoid the old standbys of decapitation, fire, holy items, and erotic asphyxiation.
“Man, I wish I’d betrayed her first,” I said, slowly sitting up. “I was planning on doing it, too. This just makes her look like the cleverer villain.”
“Sorry, Gary,” Odin said, standing over me. His voice was far less intimidating and more conversational with none of the previous echo. “The truth is some people are just naturally trustworthy. It’s why I didn’t lock up Loki to be horrifically tortured for centuries until after the whole murdering Baldur thing.”
I got up and dusted myself off. My cloak had fixed itself from where Maria had blasted me. “Yeah, I’ve got to say that was the second worst breakup of all time. The original Paul and John.”
“I thought you weren’t a Beatles fan.”
“Well, I was just making that up. You can like…hey, wait, where did your reverb go?” I asked.
“Err,” Odin immediately deepened his voice. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“No, no,” I corrected the All-Father. “You can’t just go back to that. Besides, I’m pretty sure we’ve all figured out it was an act anyway.”
Odin smirked. “Eh, you fake it until you make it in this business.”
“Which business is that?”
“Godhood,” Odin said, simply. “I was once a typical Viking warrior until I found the Orb of Chaos and the Ultranian control spear. Then I worshiped Odin so hard that both allowed me to become him. I became his avatar and retroactively always was.”
“That makes no sense,” I said.
Odin shrugged. “Neither does the majority of how the universe works.”
