by C. T. Phipps
I’d read him correctly because he nodded. “Very well. When the time is right, when the Supers on a thousand worlds are ready, then I will activate their Xenocide code. They will exterminate the populations of every human habitable world they have been sold to along with dozens of others. Humanity will become the center of an all-encompassing Imperium with my army of cloned Ultra-Force Space Marines as the basis for an unstoppable—”
I sniggered.
“What?”
“For the Emperor!” I shouted. “Death to the Xeno and Heretic!”
“You are doing that thing where everything someone tells you relates to a child’s game, aren’t you?”
“Pretty much.”
“Is it Star Wars?” Tom Terror asked, confused. “Star Trek?”
“No,” I said, annoyed I had to explain myself. Then again, it was unlikely Tom Terror did much tabletop gaming.
Tom Terror shook his head. “Well I don’t care. Whatever the case, I will rule over the entire galaxy as its God-Emperor.”
I frowned. “Okay, you’re doing this deliberately now.”
“Not all of us are addicted to television and the Internet, Gary,” Tom said. “But since I’m not a twelve-year-old boy, I’m going to give you my demands.”
“Tom, this has been the most fun I’ve had talking to a fascist since I used to troll Supechan, but I’m going to go now,” I said, turned around. “I have to get prepared to finish off the rest of your army of tin soldiers before one rides away.”
“Your niece,” Tom Terror said.
I stopped dead in my tracks.
“What?” I asked.
“Lisa Karkofsky,” Tom Terror said, chuckling. “The only remnant of your idiot brother’s legacy. You know I don’t understand human attachments. I’ve never held the kind of emotional investment in others. However, I’m able to use that weakness when it’s convenient. It would be a terrible shame if something untoward were to happen to her.”
I looked at him with fire in my eyes. “You Nazi son of a bitch.”
“Ex-Nazi,” Tom said, chuckling. “But I can assure there are many elements in my army that would like to get to know a young Jewish—”
“Don’t go there,” I interrupted.
“What?” Tom asked.
“Don’t threaten to kill her anything else. You’ve got me. I’ll do what you say,” I said, softly. “But you will regret it if you finish that sentence.”
I could feel the Death Orb reach maximum power. I considered just reaching into that hologram and eradicating him, but if I did there was no guarantee Lisa wouldn’t suffer the consequences. I had to play this cool and that wasn’t something I was good at. I’d do it anyway, for Lisa’s sake.
“So quickly you fold? Such a shame,” Tom said. “I hadn’t even gotten to the other members of your family.”
“Yeah, lucky for us both,” I said, not joking. “What do you want?”
“The Spear of Odin,” Tom said, plainly. “What else? Deliver to me and I’ll let you and your little family of freaks leave.”
“You and I both know you can’t allow that.”
“Why not?” Tom asked, laughing. “You’ve already cowardly fled from the field of battle multiple times because of suffering losses. You’ve hidden in your mentor’s mansion and watched the world pass you by for a year, no matter how much your Ultranian lover needed you. What’s one more betrayal? I’ll wipe your children’s memories and brainwash dear Gabrielle into being the deeply devoted slave you deserve. From there, we’ll part ways. All you have to do is what you’ve always been best at: nothing.”
Tom didn’t understand love. Big surprise. He didn’t realize what he proposed was worse than murdering my family. Taking away the beautiful spark that made them who they were. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe any of his promises either. This was, after all, the guy Churchill feared most. Any agreement between the two of us wasn’t going to be worth the air it was breathed into. So be it.
“Sure,” I said, staring at him. “Just tell me when and where.”
“Then bring it to the Blood of Loge,” Tom Terror said. “It is an active volcano that I’m using as P.H.A.N.T.O.M’s base. You’ll find me, my armies, and all the wonderful Society of Superhero members still remaining waiting for you there.”
I blinked. “As impressive as I find the idea of a volcano lair, isn’t it horrendously impractical to build in an active volcano? I mean, Blofeld at least used an inactive volcano. I mean, there’s such a thing as convection and getting anywhere near lava will sear your face off. Look what happened to Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith and that was a downplayed example. Presumably because he had the Force to reduce the heat.”
I was trying to distract Tom Terror with a speech of pure nonsense because I needed to figure a way out of this that didn’t involve me betraying my few remaining principles (like: “never give in to Nazis” and “never betray a family member”). Unfortunately, I was coming up blank. He had me boxed in. The only thing I cared more about than hurting the Third Reich and their fanboys was my loved ones. A monster like Tom Terror couldn’t understand that and would kill his own dog if it meant he had an advantage over his foes. It was doubly terrible since at least some of his antecedents in World War II had liked animals. “Worse than Hitler” was not a phrase I used lightly.
Tom Terror frowned. Ironically, as I pondered matters of real important, he was thinking about his volcano lair’s architecture. “I use a combination of energy shields, heat distributors, and non-malleable metals to construct it.”
“But still—”
“It looks like hell when I stare out a window, so shut up,” Tom Terror growled. “Now bring the damn spear or your superhero niece gets it.”
“Right, right,” I nodded. I heard Gabrielle flying back, and I aimed the Spear of Odin at the little mechanical spider and blew it to pieces. Tom Terror’s hologram disappeared and left me alone to ponder my options.
Gabrielle was holding the unconscious and beaten form of Superior Boy, which she threw on the ground. “I think I’ve figured out a way to restore him to his original form. I’m going to need the Spear of Odin, though.”
I believed in Gabrielle. I believed she was perfectly capable of making sure that we took down Tom Terror, rescued the Society of Superheroes, and saved the day. I also was of the mind that if we did it her way then it was very possible Lisa would die. Worse, that Tom Terror would come back knowing who my family members were. The people I cared about most. Cindy and Gabrielle could take care of themselves but what about Kerri?
Leia?
Mindy?
I’d stupidly sent Jane and Case home in the middle of the war we were fighting because I didn’t want them endangered, but I needed someone who was capable of defending my children in order to feel comfortable leaving them alone. In that moment, I realized I could take over the world. It was the only way I’d ever be able to make sure my children were safe.
“Gabrielle, you’d forgive me just about anything, right?” I asked.
“Gary, that’s usually the kind of statement someone who is about to do something unforgivable makes.”
“Sorry,” I said, turning the Spear of Odin on her. “Sudden but inevitable betrayal.”
The Ultra-Force that hit her caused her eyes to glow bright as her powers overloaded and she fell to the ground unconscious.
“Oh, yeah,” I said, looking down. “I am in deep shit.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
THE WORLD’S GREATEST CRIMINAL MIND
“This is a really ridiculous idea,” John said, as he had transformed into an identical copy of my cloak and was presently resting on top of me.
I was flying a Doom Bubble, which was a grossly impractical flying motorcycle with an egg-shell like dome around it. It was one of the P.H.A.N.T.O.M vehicles recovered from the downed hover pyramids and my ride toward their home base.
“Believe me, I’m not happy about it either,” I said, sighing. “I feel l
ike I’m covered in a manta ray.”
“Just be glad you’re wearing your regular cloak underneath it,” John said. “Otherwise this would be weird.”
“That would be where this gets weird?” Mercury’s tiny doll-sized form asked from my pocket. We’d shrunk her down with local magic. The Norsetecs had some weird powers. After shrinking the scientist witch, I was able to tuck her inside my cloak. She wasn’t inside John because that would be even weirder.
Allegedly.
“Listen, it’s a simple enough plan,” I said, preparing to explain my horrifically complicated plan. “Tom Terror knows most of my associates, but he doesn’t know you. So, I’m going to sneak you into their base, and we’ll kill everybody there. What do you think?”
“That’s not a plan,” John said. “That’s an objective.”
“What, you think you could do better?”
“Given the fact I was a highly trained commando? Yes!” John said, somehow speaking despite having no lungs.
“I should point out that I’m a genius,” Mercury said. “The magic in our world is alien geometry, algebra, and sanity-shredding Jungian psychology. Your magic is something any idiot can learn. Case in point.”
I paused. “You know, I’m beginning to wonder if I should have chosen you guys to come with me over Diabloman and Cindy.”
“Yes, why did you?” Mercury squeaked. “Ugh. When did you last wash this cloak? It smells like a cemetery and a locker room in here.”
“That’s John,” I said. “I just took a bath.”
“I will eat you,” John said.
“Listen, I know exactly what I’m doing,” I said, dodging out of the way of an enormous eagle that had never existed in the natural world. The Doom Bubble, I swear, made noises like the Jetsons’ flying car from the old Hanna-Barbera cartoon. I had to wonder who had decided that feature was worth adding and why he’d decided to join an international terrorist organization devoted to white supremacy.
“Is that why you’re going the wrong way?” John asked.
I blinked and paused. “Uh, I’m taking the scenic route.”
“We’re on the side of the Hollow Earth,” Mercury said. “You’ve literally been going in the wrong direction since the beginning.”
“And you’re just telling me now?” I asked, making a tsk-tsk noise. “Clearly, you’ve failed my test to determine whether or not you are worthy allies.”
“Just hit the autopilot and it’ll take you back to the P.H.A.N.T.O.M base,” John said.
“And how would you know that?” I asked.
“I read the instruction manual in the glove compartment,” John replied.
I blinked. “So, my next test is to ask you which button is the—”
John interrupted by shooting a black gooey tentacle out of my cloak and tapping a blue button on the dashboard. The Doom Bubble turned and started past the Inner Sun (from a safe distance). We were rushing toward a valley far above us.
The Hollow Earth looked a lot bigger from the Doom Bubble. It wasn’t just jungles and the Norsetecs. I saw beautiful amphibious civilizations sculpted of coral, a series of Medieval castles straight out of Westeros, and many other long-dead civilizations that had survived down there. I was tempted to take pot shots at the Romans descended from the Lost Legion but figured it wasn’t kosher to blame people for the sins of their father. Either way, this was a magical place in the Hogwarts sense, and I wished I could explore it as a tourist rather than a revolutionary.
“I meant to do that,” I said, sounding insincere even to myself. “Just letting you know you’re still dealing with the World’s Greatest Criminal Mind. I even have it on my playlist.”
I pulled out my cellphone and tapped it. Vincent Price’s rendition of the song from The Great Mouse Detective started playing. It was amazing how many Disney songs suddenly became awesome when you had a pair of young daughters.
“I’d make fun of you, Gary, but I don’t think there’s any point,” Mercury said, popping her head out of my pocket and looking around like a mouse or a purse dog. “Also, I’m the one following you, so clearly I’m the bigger fool here.”
“So sayeth Obi-Wan,” I said, nodding. “Listen, do you want to hear my plan or not?”
“Do you actually have a plan?” John asked. “Or is this one of those things where you claim to have one and that everything is going exactly as you have foreseen.”
“Listen, that’s a supervillain staple,” I said, offended. “It makes you look like an omniscient badass always one step ahead versus a guy who is constantly screwing up. You just claim all of your horrible defeats and losses are part of some grander stratagem.”
“And that works?” Mercury asked, unimpressed.
“Yes, Barbie, it does. Because there’s one constant across the multiverse and that’s the fact that most criminals are deeply stupid.”
“You realize what that means about you,” John said, clearly starting to be more amused by my ridiculousness than offended.
“I am not a majority,” I said, simply. “I am unique. I am a devious, diabolical, debonair desperado that will dare to defy the dark and—”
My cellphone rang.
“Oh, crap, it’s Gabrielle,” I said, immediately throwing my cellphone out the side of the Doom Bubble.
John caught it with a tentacle and pulled it back into the Doom Bubble. “You shouldn’t ignore your girlfriend.”
“Fiancée, again,” I corrected. “For the second time, I mean. Mind you, I’m pretty sure she’s rethinking accepting that offer.”
“Why? What did you do?” Mercury asked, climbing out of my pocket and sitting beside me. I regretted making the Barbie joke too early since she really did look like a doll. Well, an action figure.
“I kind of blasted her with the Spear of Odin,” I said, listening to the ringing.
“Yeah, that will do it,” John said.
“I left her a note,” I said, taking a deep breath and hitting the receive button. “I’m sure she’ll—”
“WHAT THE FUCK, GARY!?” Gabrielle asked on the other side.
“Or not,” I said. “He has Lisa. I couldn’t allow him to see you coming.”
“How about you tell me this instead of SHOOTING ME IN THE FACE!?” Gabrielle asked.
“Err—”
“In the face!” Gabrielle repeated. “Oh, and maybe you remember that I lead a superhero team called the Shadow Seven. You know, a team of superhero infiltrators with experience in breaking into highly secure military facilities like P.H.A.N.T.O.M runs.”
“There is that,” I said, increasingly aware of how bad an idea this was.
“Maybe it would be a good idea to have someone with superspeed or invulnerability to call in when Tom Terror inevitably betrays you? Because nothing says trustworthy like Nazi scientist!” Gabrielle continued to lay into me.
“Technically, he’s not a Nazi anymore,” Mercury said.
“There’s no such thing as an ex-Nazi,” I replied. “It’s why I got in trouble when I time traveled to NASA during the Sixties in order to meet Miss Luna and the Space Cadets.”
“What happened there?” Mercury asked.
“I kicked Wernher von Braun in the junk,” I said, sheepishly. The one thing that rivaled my hatred of Nazis was my love of space travel. The former won out.
“Do not ignore me, Gary!” Gabrielle shouted.
I spoke into the phone. “Bzzzt….bszzztt. Oh no, the static interference from solar flares is…bzzzzt…breaking up!”
“You’re just making static noises in the phone!” Gabrielle said.
“I just…bzzzt…love you!” Then I froze over the phone before tossing it out of the Doom Bubble again and blowing it up with a blast of flame before John could catch it.
“We could have used that phone to contact the others and coordinate our attacks,” John said, dryly. “You know, instead of wasting a valuable resource because you can’t talk to your girlfriend.”
“Fiancée,” I corr
ected. “I prefer to think of her as that if I’m horribly killed trying to liberate Poland.”
Mercury felt her head as if having a tiny headache. “Poland?”
“Yes, I’m naming all territory occupied by P.H.A.N.T.O.M as part of that country. Mostly because I’m going to need a new country to live in since I’ve been kicked out of the United States. I have relatives there and they make awesome video games.”
“I’d say that’s in exceptionally bad taste, but we’ve crossed that line long ago,” John said.
“Well then let’s sit here in complete silence,” I said, stoically. “Because I just realized my music collection was on that phone and some would be really awesome right now. Some Blind Guardian, maybe some Sabaton—”
That was when alarms went off inside the Doom Bubble and I saw a rocket heading our way. I immediately turned insubstantial and Mercury fell through the bottom of the machine with me. I hadn’t been touching her when I turned, and it made me think my powers had grown. Mind you, the fact I was falling from an exploding vehicle should have worried me more. Especially since we weren’t falling to the ground. No, we were falling toward the Inner Sun.
“Oh, shit!” I said, grabbing Mercury in midair.
“Hey, watch where you put your fingers!” Mercury shouted.
“We’re about to be incinerated! The gravity here does not make any sense!” I snapped.
“It actually makes perfect sense if you—” Mercury said as we came closer and closer to the blinding orange inferno beneath us.
I was prepared to die before I remembered, oh, right, I could levitate and immediately drew a serious boost of energy from the Inner Sun and zipped down to the valley above my head. I had to readjust my perception of gravity but soon found myself on two feet again.
I also found myself in Mordor.
It was easy to figure out this was the Blood of Loge since it was a massive land of ash, lava streams, and spikey black outcroppings of rock. The place looked like a little slice of hell on Earth and was decorated in Tom Terror’s style.
There were numerous scattered fortresses visible as well as a number of prison camps spread throughout the region. The Blood of Loge was built around a central volcano that had a sinister-but-ridiculous-looking giant metal skull with bone-shaped pipes pouring out black smoke into the air. It was something straight out of a cartoon and would have been hilarious if not for the fact I saw a parade of beaten, battered, and abused slaves being led by Exterminator-robots into the first floor of Tom Terror’s base. People who were going to be experimented on as part of his insane human trafficking plan.
