The tears begin to cascade out of my eyes.
“...we know it’s your time. It’s time for you to join your mother and sister. It’s time for you to watch over us from above. Don’t stay in your pain for us; you’ve already done so much; too much, for us.”
Did I tell him just how much I appreciate his support for me? Did I thank him enough times for the lifestyle he’s provided for us?
“I hope you know how much I love you. Even with our arguments, I’ve never stopped loving you. You’ve had my heart from our first margaritas together. You’ve provided for our family better than anyone else. I hope…”
I’ve been a deserving wife for all you’ve done for me. I have no idea what I’m going to do without you. I won’t have someone to cook dinners for, or go on our planned retirement vacations with, or celebrate grandchildren with, or wake up next to every morning. I want you to stay here with me, be by my side when we celebrate our anniversary and our children’s weddings. I want to buy our retirement home in Lake Keowee together like we’ve always dreamed about. I want to grow old with you Corey; I don’t want to be a widow. I’m scared and I feel completely, utterly alone.
I’m holding onto his hand tightly, trying to hold back any more tears from falling. You have to let him go, Dawn. You have to be strong and seem accepting of it or he won’t leave. You’re being selfish; he’s in pain, let him go. I can’t speak anymore or I will get off track and tell him how much I can’t imagine my life without him.
I hum along to the hymns playing and try to focus on my breathing.
“I love you more than you know, Corey; but we’ll be okay.”
|5:05 AM|
Dawn
Knock, knock.
My stomach drops and the noise frightens me. That can’t be the signal. I didn’t even hear his breathing stop. Surely, I'd be able to notice a change in his breathing. Guilt is slowly rising over my body. How did I not know? Is it really all over?
Two nurses walk in, but both avoid eye contact. I pull at the skin on my wrists trying to focus on something, anything else besides the guilt consuming me. One nurse listens to his heart and searches for his pulse. She seems so young. This will be Kristen soon. Corey won’t get to see her graduate from nursing school.
“Time of death...”
Their voices leave my ears.
He barely survived twenty minutes without medical assistance. I hardly had any time alone with him.
Pausing to search for the positive, I look at the ground. At least he barely suffered. I can feel a sense of relief lift off of me. This could have been a long, painful wait. I look up at his face. I hope you aren’t disappointed in me.
“Mrs. Owen, we are so very sorry for your loss.”
Slowly redirecting my eyes to the nurses’ voices, I can’t even mutter a thank you. The words ‘your loss’ makes me want to throw up in the garbage bin next to me. I turn towards Corey. I can’t believe you’re gone.
|5:05 AM|
Natalie
I wake up to a faint ringing in the background. This again?
Then I see the phone screen shining across the room with an incoming call from Mom. Wrong ring.
How long had we been asleep?! How could we fall asleep knowing Dad’s time on earth is coming to an end? My mind is racing.
“Thomas your phone! Answer your phone! It’s Mom!” I scream out.
He jolts off of the couch so quickly I can tell his vision blacks out because he’s squeezing his eyes shut. Kristen is now opening her eyes with all of the commotion. Oakley, nestled on her stomach, jumps off the couch and bolts for Thomas. Oakley knows something’s wrong. The neighbors have told us he hasn’t eaten his food all weekend and he stays by the front door all day watching out the window, waiting for Mom and Dad to come home. Brandon’s sitting up now, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I let myself nudge my head under his chin. I need all the protection I can get. Every movement seems to be in slow motion.
“Mom?”
Thomas answers the call; he still seems disoriented but he’s trying to focus.
“Hold on. I’m putting you on speaker.”
His shaky hands bobble the phone ever so slightly. Hurry up.
“Okay, we’re all listening.”
Everyone’s eyes are fixed on the iPhone. No one dares to breathe in fear of missing her next words.
“He just passed.”
The room is silent. This is the first time I realize how cold the media room is; it feels so lonely even with everyone smashed together on the couch. My stomach starts cramping with nerves, I could barf. What am I so nervous about? My brain starts instantly reminding me of what his death really means for us. How our lives will be changed permanently. How am I going to start my job without his advice? I didn’t even get a chance to ask him what percentage to select for my 401K contributions. Who will I split the side of egg rolls with; everyone knows four is too many to eat alone. Who will take care of Mom? How will she afford anything-- the cars, the house?
I can’t form a tear; my nerves are overpowering any other feeling. This weekend has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and when I really should be crying, I can’t. What kind of daughter doesn’t cry when she learns of her dad’s passing? Now guilt is creeping up next to my nerves; making enough room for the two of them. The room starts to look like it’s shrinking; I’m so small, so helpless without him. I know an anxiety attack is brewing. I turn to my siblings to try to focus on something else, to stop the attack from escalating. Kristen and Thomas are looking down at the floor. They are sitting still, not shedding a tear, not even blinking, just keeping silent. Do they realize what this means too?
Brandon breaks the silence, “I’m so sorry.”
My eyes shift to him, but he’s still focusing on the carpet. We all look as uncomfortable as we feel.
My attention reverts back to my mom in an attempt to calm down. “How are you getting home?” I ask her.
“I am going to Uber once I finish up here.”
“No way! I’ll come pick you up!” Is she out of her mind?! There is no way I’m letting her sit in a 45-minute car ride with a stranger; alone in her thoughts.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be here. The nurses mentioned some paperwork. You all need to sleep before Grandma and Grandpa O arrive.”
She sounds firm in her decision, but I will try again anyway.
“Mom, please let me come get you. Brandon will come with me to keep each other awake.”
As I try pleading with her, I realize how much I wish she was here with us. She is all we have left. We need her.
“No, Natalie. The nurses are calling me over; I should go. I love you.”
She is so stubborn.
We all quietly echo back, “Love you too.”
As Thomas ends the call, I reach for my phone and text Mom, “Please let me know when you get in the Uber. I’m waiting up for you.”
Brandon readjusts to lie back down. He tugs at my arm to join him but I pull away. I have to stay awake for my mom even if no one else does. Thomas is still staring into the distance, and Kristen is texting someone on her phone. Should we start updating the family? Is Grandpa telling everyone the news? Does Grandpa even know? Mom didn’t give us much information. I decide to text my boss. All I manage to type is “He has passed.” Hopefully he understands that means I won’t be back in town for a few weeks. Before I realize what I’m doing, I send the same text message to Brandon’s mom. Brandon had been updating his family over the weekend, so this was the first text message she would receive from me. Should I even be texting people? I’m not really sure who knows and who doesn’t know. Everything has been happening so quickly.
Thomas suddenly speaks out, still staring at the floor. “Me and Dad were supposed to go to the Vikings-Broncos game this year.”
He still isn’t crying. He looks emotionless and numb. The shock is setting in.
Dad was supposed to watch me start my first full-time job; he was supposed to be t
here to mentor me through it all.
Kristen looks up from her phone and joins in; “Dad was supposed to watch my pinning ceremony and my graduation from nursing school.”
Dad was scheduled to be at my graduation in a month. He missed my undergraduate ceremony, but he promised to be at this one. He already booked his flight.
Thomas continues, “We all have tickets to go to the Wheels of Soul concert.”
Dad was so excited because the concert included Tedeschi Trucks Band, Blackberry Smoke, and Shovels & Rope. I smile at the memory of my dad calling me when he bought the tickets. Tears fall onto my shirt knowing he no longer would be nudging us every five minutes to remind us to pay attention to their guitar skills.
Kristen can barely finish her sentence; her sobs have become too loud. “Can Mom afford the house payments?”
I’m going to vomit. The pit in my stomach comes back. I crawl over to her side of the couch and embrace her. I wish I could tell her it’s going to be okay. We would support Mom; help her with the payments and start repaying her for everything the two of them have given us. But I don’t utter a word because I know it isn’t true. I haven’t even started my job. Kristen still has a semester left of school. Thomas has his own monthly mortgage and personal expenses to cover. More importantly, who is going to be her person? Who will be the one to listen to her vent about the stress we cause her? Hold her hand when she is ready to break? Kiss her goodnight? How are we going to do this?
The silence in the room returns; no one says anything because no one has anything to say to make each other feel better. No words could take away this pain.
Snuggling next to Kristen, she whispers, “Dad was supposed to walk us down the aisle.”
Her glossy eyes turn to me before she finishes her thought.
“Dance with you to Tim McGraw’s song and with me to Chuck Wicks’.”
Brandon had not received permission from my dad yet. Kristen’s future husband will never get the chance to meet my dad. How is this supposed to be the plan?
All I manage to respond with is, “I know.”
The happiest day of a girl’s life would now be filled with tears and sadness. I can’t imagine ever getting married now. I can’t imagine doing anything anymore.
|5:22 AM|
Dawn
I walk over to the nurses as I finish updating my parents of Corey’s passing. I can feel the adrenaline leave my body and I realize how exhausted I really am.
“Mrs. Owen, we have a few questions for you whenever you’re ready.”
Let’s get this over with. I just want to go home.
I respond, “Okay” to indicate I’m ready to begin now.
“First, we need to know if you want an autopsy done on your husband?”
My eyes narrow while my fingers curl into a fist. I can’t believe she is asking me this right now. Haven’t you cut him open enough?? You removed half of his organs! What more do you need to see? We know he died from internal bleeding. Remember, no one could properly stop it?? My arms land folded across my chest.
“Absolutely not.” My voice sounds harsh, but I can’t help it. How could I let them cut him open anymore? No more procedures and definitely no more removing or moving around organs. He’s at peace now; his body should be, too.
“Okay, can you please sign here…”
Stacks of papers are pushed towards my chest, and a pen dangling from the clipboard by a metal, string pen holder.
“...confirming you have declined an autopsy?”
My eyes are so tired and dry. Everything looks fuzzy; I can barely make out which line I should be signing.
“Great, thank you.”
It’s obvious this nurse has done this paperwork routine before.
“Next, I need to know what funeral home you will be using.”
Shit. I haven’t even thought that far ahead. As of six hours ago, I wasn’t sure if he was going to make it out of here or not. We have only lived in Charlotte for four years, and getting ourselves acquainted with a funeral home wasn’t a thought for us.
My eyes pacing back and forth, I respond, “Um, I haven’t really thought that far.”
“That’s totally okay. We can place him in the morgue until you decide.”
My stomach begins to flip when I imagine Corey being placed there. There is no way in hell I would let him rest in a morgue.
“No, no.”
Shaking my head, I try to think.
“Give me five minutes. I will give you the name of a funeral home in five minutes.”
I step away and look through my contacts. I’m trying to think of someone, anyone, who would know local funeral homes. I land on Carrie. Her mother had recently passed away and I remember her explaining how wonderful the funeral home was who handled her mother’s services. I glance at my watch; it’s only half past five in the morning on a Sunday. I am definitely going to wake her up.
The rings sound long and slow as each one goes unanswered. Please Carrie, please.
Finally on the fourth ring, she answers. “Dawn?”
Her voice is sleepy and she sounds confused.
Another person I’m telling for the first time. My throat feels scratchy and I dread telling her the news. I better get used to this.
“Hi, Carrie. I’m so sorry to wake you. What was the funeral home you used for your mom again?”
Maybe she won’t even wonder why I’m asking.
“Heritage Homes. Why? Is everything okay?”
I can hear her readjusting herself in bed as she slowly wakes up.
“Corey has…”
I can’t finish the sentence. I can’t imagine reciting this over and over again to people. My head feels like it’s spinning with every tear. I’m losing control.
“Dawn, where are you? I’m coming to you.”
Pull yourself together, Dawn. You need to be strong. You can’t be waking people up at five in the morning and have them running to you.
“No, I just needed the name of the funeral home. Please stay where you are.”
My fingers rest on the wall, trying to push off of it for strength.
“I’ll call you later today with more information. Thanks though.”
I end the call before she has a chance to argue.
Heritage Homes. I guess this will be the funeral home. What other choice do I have?
I lock my phone and shovel it in my pocket. Turning back around, I approach the nurse again. “Heritage Homes will be the funeral home.”
“Okay then.”
She is feverishly writing down information. She’s a talented nurse. She is able to separate her heart from work.
“That’s all we need for now. We will contact the funeral home to make arrangements to transport Corey. Again…”
Her voice trails off as she lifts her eyes from her paperwork to meet mine.
“I’m so sorry about your loss.”
She seems genuine. Maybe she isn’t so good at separating her emotions from her work after all.
“Thank you.”
I open the Uber app and type in my requested address, home. 15 minutes till Aaron will arrive at the main hospital entrance.
I begin to walk down the hallway to exit the ICU unit, and I finally notice how lonely this hallway feels. They keep the unit dark and gloomy. I look around and there isn’t anyone in sight. The hall is quiet; every step I take sounds piercing. I feel completely alone in this hallway.
“Mrs. Owen?!” someone calls out.
Finally, someone’s steps sound louder than mine. I don’t even turn around. I simply stop and wait for them to reach me. This time it’s a new nurse. I vaguely remember her face but I can’t remember her role-- maybe the dialysis nurse?
“We created these for your family. I know it isn’t much but I hope it can provide some comfort.”
She hands me over a bag and it takes my eyes a second to focus on what it is. The bag contains four small vials with a small paper copy of Corey’s three final heartbeats.
I’m holding the last piece we have of him. My eyes fill with tears and I keep walking towards the main entrance of the hospital. This is all I have of him anymore. The vials are tightly held near my heart as I walk out of the ICU unit.
- TWELVE -
|5:43 AM|
Dawn
The air outside is crisp. I wish I had a jacket right now. I peek down at my phone to check Aaron’s location. Why does it look like he is moving away from me? I hit the contact button and give him a call.
“Hello?” His voice is deep.
He seems irritated.
“Hi. This is Dawn, your pick up. I was wondering where you are because it looks like you’re driving away from me.”
“I just came to the entrance, you weren’t there, ma’am. I’m canceling the ride.”
What the hell! I have been standing here for nearly fifteen minutes!
“What? I’ve been outside the whole time. I never saw you drive up.” I try to keep my voice composed.
“I did. It’ll only be a $5 charge and you can request someone else when you’re ready.”
Now I can feel my blood starting to boil. There is not a chance I’m waiting for another fifteen minutes for a new driver, plus being charged for a cancellation. Of course this is happening right now. I should’ve just had someone pick me up.
“Sir, can you please turn around? I’m at the main entrance. I promise you I didn’t see your car. I’m exhausted and I really just want to get home.”
Can’t he see he’s picking me up from a hospital? I’ve had a long freaking night. Just pick me up.
He pauses before answering, weighing out his options, I suppose. “I’ll come one more time but if I come back and you’re not there, I’m canceling the ride.”
I end the call. What an asshole. I cross my arms over my chest and wait for his stupid, black Honda. I know I shouldn’t be so irritated; I should know the importance of not jumping to conclusions. Maybe he’s having just as crappy of a morning as I am. I start to calm myself down as his car turns the corner.
I open the door and greet him. “Thanks for coming back.”
He doesn’t answer me. It’s quite obvious he’s annoyed with me. I try to ignore the awkward silence while he pulls out of the entrance.
Top Down Day Page 14
