My comment earned a laugh from the men, and satisfied I’d taken another step towards claiming my esteemed position as Empress of the Idiots, I resumed my climb.
After what felt like an eternity and made me regret my decision to be stubborn, I reached the top. Some people loitered in the lobby of the penthouse floor, which was manned by several security guards armed with a guest list.
“Has the t-rex suffering from a midlife crisis arrived yet?”
Those gathered laughed and shook their heads. “She’s still waiting downstairs. The elevator dinosaurs get tired when overworked, and there’s too many people here,” yet another Tarzan replied. Of the offerings, he took tall, dark, and handsome to the extreme, his left ring finger was free and clear of ownership markings, and he had some sense of decency, making sure his loincloth covered everything without risk of exposing himself to unsuspecting women. “Which party are you attending?”
“That’s a very good question, one the t-rex has the answer to. She begged me to come, and I can’t bear to make a full-grown woman cry.”
“Your name?”
“Shirley Manchester, but please call me Lee. Clarissa said it was the original party.”
“Ah-ha. You’d be with the Garrets, then. If you want to go to the party without Clarissa, turn left, go to the end of the hallway, and turn left again. You can’t miss it. I should’ve known she would’ve come as a t-rex. She’s always up to something. Did she really come as a t-rex? Why is she suffering from a midlife crisis?”
“She’s attempting to convince people downstairs she’s Godzilla, Queen of the Monsters. She hasn’t even had any alcohol, because I took her share. We were supposed to split the glass of sparkling wine, but I needed the fortification after she started screeching like a dinosaur in the lobby.”
“I can’t say I blame you. I’ll be at the third party, so if you want to say hi, ask for me. People know who I am.”
Tall, dark, and handsome without a ring needed to come to my party. “You could just come to my party instead. Clarissa will be there, so it’s going to be wild. Especially since I think she’s dressed up as a hooker vampire under the t-rex costume or something like that. I’m expecting to be followed by lechers, so I need someone my age, single, and easy on the eyes to keep the creeps away, and unlike the other Tarzans in the building, you’re not attempting to show off your assets or your ass.”
“Clarissa neglected to tell me you were so bold.”
“You’re not one of her brothers, so you’re already a step up. If I wanted a kid in man’s clothing, I’d go to the nearest high school.”
He laughed. “Wow. That’s blunt. I’ll note maturity is valued along with some modesty.”
“Got a name?”
“David. I have to admit I’m amused I’m being compared to Clarissa’s brothers and found to be a step above them. You don’t even know me.”
“You wear a loincloth well, and you’ve obviously spent some time at the gym. It’s a good look on you. I don’t know what you’re doing, but keep on doing it.”
The elevator opened, and the t-rex suffering from a midlife crisis pranced out. “I have arrived!”
“If I had a knife, a pen, or something, I would pop her,” I muttered.
All four security guards offered me their pens. I accepted one with a smile and a nod, and I lifted my impromptu weapon and clicked it. “I will pop you, so help me, Clarissa, I will pop you. I will pop you and drag your deflated ass down the hall if I must.”
Clarissa went to her knees and bowed in my direction. “I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. Don’t pop me, please. I’ll beg. Don’t pop me. I want to wear this again. I want to wear this every day for the rest of my life. I’ll do anything, just please don’t pop me.”
I heaved a sigh and returned the pen to its owner. “I’m so sorry for her.”
David offered his arm. “You know what? I think I will skip my party and go to yours instead. You need to be protected from the t-rex suffering from a midlife crisis, and I have to admit, I’ve never been part of a scheme to protect a woman from lechers before. I feel this will be an educational evening for me. My mother tells me I’m a gentleman in training, and this seems like an excellent opportunity to practice.”
I accepted his offer. “Just ignore the t-rex. Maybe if we ignore her for long enough, she’ll go away.”
“Such a cruel betrayal,” Clarissa moaned from the floor.
“You should be grateful I didn’t pop you, Clarissa.”
“Thank you for not popping me, but please don’t abandon me. I loved you first. I loved you more! David’s nothing compared to me.”
“David has a six-pack and is willing to face off against lechers. I know everything I need to know. You’re dressed like a vampire hooker under that inflatable monstrosity. You’re going to attract lechers.”
“I really am, but I’m more attractive to lechers than you are. You’re not at any risk of popping a boob.”
Everyone in the foyer stared at my chest. “I really will pop you, Clarissa.”
I lifted my boot to step on her and pop her through some stomping of her person, but David freed his arm from mine, snagged me around the waist, and hauled me away from my soon-to-be-dead friend. “That’s my cue to begin a career as a bodyguard. You owe me, Clarissa. You pushed her last button, and even I can see that. My momma didn’t raise me to be stupid, and neither did yours.”
“You’re a traitor, too! Betrayers, betrayers all around me.”
“I didn’t betray you. I just saved you from being popped. Honestly, you probably deserve it. Actually, you definitely deserve it.”
“You are so mean, David.” Clarissa crawled after us, and her t-rex head flopped all over the place, forcing her to bat at it, except the costume kept her hands from being able to reach her head.
There was only one thing left for me to do. I pointed and laughed at her while David dragged me away.
I had no idea who David was, but everyone loved him, especially the women. It took the single women all of five minutes to make off with him. Clarissa’s mother spotted me, clapped her hands, and descended like a hug-hungry vulture. I braced for her affections and went through the routine, as the woman would cry if she didn’t get her hug.
“I was so worried Clarissa would scare you off.”
“I wanted to pop her, but David stopped me. I’m not sure why. She’s a menace.”
The menace had shed her lizard attire, and as warned, strutted her stuff as a hooker vampire. She’d picked a dress designed to showcase her breasts without showing them off, although if she didn’t watch herself, she probably would pop a boob and give everyone a show. The skirt covered everything, but I hoped she remembered she couldn’t bend over.
“Well, she’s dressed better than I expected, honestly. She told me she was going to show up as a stripper halfway through her show. I then reminded her there would be children present, and she changed her plans. Her plan isn’t much better, but everything is covered. That’s something, right?”
“Your standards have gotten so low, Mrs. Garret.”
“With my kids? Sweetheart, I don’t have standards anymore. They butchered mine and tossed them out the window. Nowadays, I check in on them to make sure they’re still breathing and out of jail. If both of these boxes are checked, it’s been a good day.”
That explained a lot. “She came dressed up like a wino Godzilla, but she ditched the inflatable costume for the vampire hooker. I feel like I didn’t do enough to stop this from happening.”
Clarissa’s mother checked my dress’s tag and clucked her tongue. “Just what I thought. You took scissors to your Prada.” Turning away from me, Clarissa’s mom drew in a deep breath and hollered, “Juliette? Costume emergency!”
“My costume is not an emergency,” I hissed. I pointed at my belt, which I had slaved away at for hours. “My costume is beautiful.”
“Your costume used to be one of Prada’s better dresses, and you took scissors t
o it. Actually, it’s gorgeous, and I love what you did with it, but I want to see Juliette’s face.”
I couldn’t tell the age of the woman who approached; she hung somewhere in the middle, neither young nor old, but that precarious place between. She carried herself with pride. “What’s wrong? Another popped seam? I have my kit.”
“I just wanted you to behold a woman bold enough to cut up a Prada for a witch’s costume. Isn’t it magnificent? And look at the belt she made. The belt’s actually amazing. You might want to start making bejeweled belts like that. I’d buy one without hesitation. You could go with healing crystals, hook in with some shops, and make everyone a killing. This one is great, though. I think she got confused, as she’s wearing the belt of a healing witch but dressed up as a dark magic user.”
I realized I recognized her from the cover of a fashion magazine, a designer who wore her own clothes, preferred her models to be real people, and catered to the rich and famous. No wonder Clarissa had been so excited.
Juliette Carter made clothes every woman wanted, even me.
I couldn’t afford the clothes Juliette Carter made.
Damn.
No wonder my bitch of a friend had been talking about Carter clothes. The woman behind them stood before me, and her mouth hung open, as though she couldn’t believe what I’d done to my dress. On that front, I couldn’t blame her.
I couldn’t believe what I’d done to my dress, either.
“It was all I had,” I announced, determined to defend myself against the rich, famous, and out of my league. “I’d saved up for years for this dress, and while it will haunt me into the next life for what I’ve done to it, it’s the only black dress I owned, and I needed a costume for this party.”
Juliette Carter dropped to her knees, wrapped her arms around my legs, and cuddled my knees. “Where have you been all of my life? I’m surrounded by people who don’t know what a sewing machine is or what it does. You hemmed it. You hemmed it to control the fray. The stitches are orderly and even, so you’ve used a sewing machine before. You measured. You measured before you cut. You truly measured before you cut. You measured twice before you cut, even.”
The entire party came to a halt to behold the sight of a fashion designer clinging to a nobody. “Are you all right, ma’am?”
“Once I’m done worshipping you, I will have my revenge for your horrific treatment of this dress.”
I looked to Clarissa’s mother for help. “I’m getting some seriously mixed signals from this woman.”
“Juliette has a stressful job dealing with clients who do not understand that sewing machines, measuring tape, and other tailoring doohickeys are real things. Juliette’s lucky I’ve seen a sewing machine before, and the rare times I do use mine, I measure four times to make her happy. Unfortunately, I do not have good hand-eye coordination, so I ruin what I attempt to sew anyway, but I do my best.”
“Effort counts for something,” Juliette mumbled through my dress, still hugging my legs. “I love your stockings, but those shoes need work.”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Carter. I can’t afford your shoes or dresses, but they’re gorgeous.”
“Now you’ve done it,” Clarissa’s mother muttered. “No is an allowed answer, Shirley.”
“Lee, please. For the sake of my pride, please call me Lee.”
“You don’t look like a Lee. You’re really going to make me call you Lee?”
I pointed at the woman still latched onto my legs. “I’ll do this while crying. It’s been a long day.”
“That’s a potent threat, Lee. Please accept the terms of my surrender.”
“I didn’t ask for surrender, I just asked for you to not call me Shirley.”
“It’s the same thing, really.”
It was? I raised a hand and massaged my temple. “Everyone is staring at us.”
“Juliette’s half the reason everyone’s here. Where she goes, fun happens. I don’t think anyone has seen another human being bring Juliette to her knees outside of her close family. She does dramatic death scenes for her husband and son often, and her daughter-in-law got one out of her. Chloe pranced for a week over it, an accomplishment for a very pregnant woman.”
“She’s not so pregnant now. The baby came early.”
In my life, I’d heard entire rooms go still and quiet, but the party went far beyond my expectations. Clarissa’s mother frowned. “Is the baby all right?”
“She’s fine and dandy, but she’ll be staying in the hospital a while until everyone’s comfortable. Her name is Candice, and if you would please stay quiet about it, that would be very nice. I’ve been told I’m banned from hovering until further notice. I want to hover. I need someone to baby. This dress needs to be babied. It was treated so cruelly, weren’t you, little one?”
“Its ghost will haunt me, and it will probably murder me for the crimes I’ve committed against it.” Since everyone else took the insanity in stride, I patted Juliette Carter’s head. “There, there. It’s okay. I’ll just dress like a witch every Halloween for the rest of my life to make this travesty at least worth the amount of money I spent on it.”
The woman fell to the floor as though I’d stabbed her through the top of her skull. “Chasity, what have you done? What have you wrought upon us? Why? Why have you done this?”
“I didn’t. My daughter did. Although honestly, she looks great. Don’t cry, Juliette.”
“My son is cruelly keeping me from my granddaughter. I should be visiting the baby right now, but no. I’m here.” To ensure I couldn’t escape, Juliette crawled onto my feet and hugged my ankles. “I have not seen you before, young lady. Please introduce yourself.”
“I’m Lee. It’s short for Shirley, but I really hate being called Shirley. You’ve never seen me before because I live in the worst neighborhood Jersey has to offer, whereas you live somewhere around here, I think.”
“Hell’s Kitchen.”
“Do you rule over your kitchen as the incarnation of Satan?”
Someone in the crowd barked a laugh, and a fit of giggling swept through the room.
“It’s a neighborhood,” Juliette replied with as much dignity as possible for someone sprawled on the floor.
“Well, I suppose you could be the evil ruler of many kitchens in an area deemed to be a neighborhood.”
“Damn, Lee. What has gotten into you today, and what do I need to do to invite this you out more often? You’re taking Juliette down like she’s a shrimp nobody’s claimed.” Clarissa’s mom narrowed her eyes. “And don’t you even try to convince me you’re not a shameless shrimp addict.”
“I dealt with the wino Godzilla and drank her sparkling wine. I needed it to brace for this party. I noticed there was barely enough sparkling wine for a single glass.”
My second mother grinned. “I expected one of you would drink whatever was offered, so I prevented any problems by limiting your sparkling wine supply.”
“Do you rule as this woman’s princess? If so, you should live in Hell’s Kitchen instead of in the better parts of Jersey,” I muttered.
“Unless you like bored fashion designers dressing you up, I recommend giving Hell’s Kitchen a wide berth.”
“You are so mean to me, Chasity,” Juliette complained.
“You’re still mad I wouldn’t take you to my last shoot.”
“It was in Bali. Any sane woman would be mad they didn’t get to go Bali. I would’ve dressed you to perfection.”
“It was for a shoot. You wouldn’t have gotten any say in the wardrobe choices.”
“I could’ve changed their mind, but no. I wasn’t invited.”
Clarissa’s mother rolled her eyes. “I’ll consider making an appointment for new clothes if you stop tormenting Lee.”
“I’m loving her. My love is never a torment. I’ll torment her a little later. She does have to pay for modifying one of Prada’s perfect dresses. A perfect dress is hard to find, and that dress was perfection. It’s not even one o
f mine, and I have to stand up for the rights of a perfect dress.”
“She worked hard to save up for that dress. It is hers to do with as she pleases, even if it means transforming it into a witch’s costume. It’s a gorgeous costume, Juliette.”
“It is, which is why I’m torn between immediately seeking revenge on behalf of that dress and loving her. Right now, I’m loving her. I have an urge to replace her shoes, though. These are not a good shoe. I may have to target these shoes as part of my revenge.”
Why had I gone with Clarissa’s idea to go to the party? Right. She was my friend. “And to think I was worried about lechers. I didn’t realize fashion designers were a Halloween party hazard.”
“Oh, you’ll get those later, I’m sure. They wait to come out until after the kids have left. If you want to avoid the old lechers, you leave when the families with kids leave. Until then, most behave,” my designer attachment replied. “I’ll consider putting a stay on revenge if you let me deal with your shoe problem.”
“No.”
“Wow, Chasity. She’s ruthless.”
“She works in retail, and the holiday season is approaching. She works at a boutique in Jersey.”
“I haven’t done the Jersey circuit before. It’s so… Jersey.”
“That’s why you’ve never seen her. Had you gotten over yourself and your dislike for my state, you would’ve met her already. But she would have been working the floor at the time, and she’d hate you right now for the chaos you bring to any boutique unfortunate enough to have to deal with you.”
Wow. Clarissa’s mother rarely went for another woman’s throat, but when she did, she unsheathed her verbal claws, sharpened them, and meant business.
“Just because you speak the truth does not mean you should say the truth. What did I ever do to you?”
“I saw Lee first. She’s mine, and you can’t have her.”
Wow, wow, wow. I caught sight of Clarissa, shot her a glare, and pointed at the fashion designer on my feet.
Bat Out of Hell Page 3
