Bat Out of Hell

by Bernadette Franklin

  “And those three lost hours hurt when you only had twenty to spare to begin with.”

  “It wouldn’t be very hard to poach me right now. My manager claims she wants me to take her position over when she goes to some fancy design school in London, then she cuts out three of my hours after dumping the event on my shoulders.”

  “There are no rules against being employed by multiple people at one time, and if your job is to go to your other job and make that event work well, this is cost-efficient for me, as there’s nothing as frustrating as a failed event. I particularly hate when launches fail because of mismanagement at the boutique.” Juliette headed towards the rich part of Jersey, and I worried over how well the woman knew the area. “If you do well with the boutique management, I might put you under Clifford’s wing for a while when you aren’t learning the art of design. I do like my employees having skills usable throughout the company. Sometimes, designers need a break, so they work the releases, and sometimes the coordinators need to do something artistic. Having a fluid workplace makes this a lot easier. Then there’s the issue of settling you in Manhattan.”

  “Not with Jonas,” I insisted. “There is no way I will live with a man who has better luck with men than I do. It would be nightly torture. I’ve met Jonas’s friends. They’re hot.”

  “I try not to torture employees whenever possible.”

  “Well, that’s something. Also, maybe you should know I currently don’t own much, although I’d like to pick up my harp and paintings if you’re planning on having me for more than a single evening.”

  “If I have my way, I will be handcuffing you to something solid in your new residence and leaving you there. The cuffs will be the kind the police use and actually require a key to open, leaving you stuck until I feel you will agree to stay there.”

  “I don’t want to be handcuffed to a toilet, and I will not be happy if I’m handcuffed out of reach of a toilet. No handcuffing.”

  “I could handcuff you to your new roommate.”

  “No.”

  “I resent your immediate rejection of my plan to handcuff you.”

  “Nice people do not handcuff people together.”

  “I’m not nice today. In fact, I’m quite rude.”

  I worried I’d be as crazy as her through exposure. “When I met your minion, I swore I’d try to be a bastion of calm in a world gone mad. I feel like I have already broken my promise multiple times since making it.”

  “That seems like a rather foolish promise to have made, Shirley.”

  “Can I at least get you to call me Lee? I figure if I have to hitch a ride on the crazy train, I may as well have a name I like.”

  “Of course, Lee. I’m not driving the right car for the crazy train, though. The right car for the crazy train is sportier, and I’m only allowed to bring it out of storage during the summer.”

  “That’s okay. I’m fine with the crazy train departing from the station at a legal speed.”

  Juliette laughed. “I don’t speed usually. I go with the flow of traffic, and I make way for the idiots who want to get themselves killed. New Jersey, I’ve noticed, has a lot of idiots.”

  “They call it the Jersey Slide for a reason. The Jersey Slide is why I hate driving. New York is no better, as they’ve done their best to steal our patented move.”

  “I’m pretty sure the Jersey Slide is a nationwide tradition at this point. So, you want your harp and paintings. Is there anything else you’d like?”

  “My soul back. I wouldn’t mind my Prada, but rats own it now.”

  “I will include a new perfect black dress as part of your hiring bonus.”

  My eyes widened. “That’s playing hardball, Juliette.”

  “I know. The perfect black dress also includes the shoes and the purse that go with it. I’ve been informed you have the jewelry already.”

  “Do rubies and diamonds go well with a black dress?”

  “Exceptionally well.”

  “I hear you may know something about the giver of that set. Which, I’m assuming, is so expensive I will have an immediate anxiety attack should I learn of its value.”

  “Mhmm,” the woman replied, turning onto the street leading to my new temporary home.

  “Is Clifford the kind to shake down a gay man for his pocket change if he doesn’t put up a fuss over something? I feel I have made a mistake that might result in this happening.”

  “Clifford is pretty gentle, but he might shake somebody down for a good cause. What happened?”

  “I asked Clifford to pass a message, and if there were a fuss, I’d make someone go trolling pawnshops for a full-sized harp. Actually, I have more than broken my promise to be the calmer of chaos. I’m spreading it, selfishly.”

  “You play the harp very well. It seems reasonable for you to want something like a full-sized harp. They’re expensive. I’ve discussed the harp situation with your mother. Your stepfather grunted. I wasn’t sure what he meant with that grunt.”

  I grimaced. “Everyone knows about that now, I guess.”

  “They also know about the hallway incident, but I wasn’t the gossip on that one. I just talked to them about your… partner. Apparently, they’re more concerned you picked up some disease kissing a stranger than they are about you kissing a stranger.”

  “Mom is weird. Dad is weirder. Sometimes, I think the ghost of Dad whispers weirdness into Dad’s ear. It may have spread to my second dad’s ear, too. Dad was crazy, but he was a good crazy.”

  The good crazy had helped us all cope with Dad no longer being Dad, especially at the end.

  “How many fathers do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Currently, two. Dad is Dad, and the second dad is technically Clarissa’s dad. Second Dad is the one convinced I need more driving lessons. Dad got dubbed Dad since Dad would be okay with it even if he were still alive, and I figured Third Dad would hurt his feelings. And, after saying that, I realize it really does sound crazy.”

  “But sweet. What I’ll do is this. We’ll go get your harp and anything you need for a few days, plus something I can use as a blindfold. I will then take you to where I think you should stay for a while, while blindfolded.”

  “Why the blindfold?”

  “It’ll be fun. More fun for me than for you, but consider it part of your job interview. Tolerating the insane is a critical job skill at my company.”

  I bet. “Okay. But if I say no, I mean no, and the weird stuff stops.”

  “That is completely fair. Before I blindfold you, we’re going clothing shopping.”

  “We are?”

  “I will include all clothes purchased as part of your hiring bonus. We’ll go to thrift stores and low-end boutiques if you’d prefer.”

  I perked up at the offer of going to thrift stores. “You’re actually willing to shop at thrift stores?”

  “I donate prototypes to thrift stores often, and I tell the stores they can’t mark the dresses up. They have to sell for their lowest price as they do for the same type of article. In exchange, I cut a check to the charity of their choice. That way, I don’t support the for-profit chains, people have access to the clothes, and they get the reputation of sometimes having my attire show up in their shop. Everyone’s happy. And yes, I require a contract. I’ve had one store try to mark up the clothing, and let’s just say I assigned them my meanest attorney.”

  “Are you related to your meanest attorney in any fashion?”

  Juliette snickered. “No, actually. His name is Claud, and he’s the sweetest yet meanest man I’ve ever met.”

  “I guess I can’t get Claud to deal with the rats, can I?”

  “There are other and better ways to deal with the rats. Anyway, Claud would faint. He’s terrified of rats. He saw a rat on the street once near the office. We had to take him to the hospital because nobody knew how terrified he was of them, so he hit his head. If we’d known, we might’ve been able to catch him! He was fine, but he cut a few
years off my life with that stunt.”

  From what little I knew of Juliette Carter, in addition to potentially cutting off a few years of her life, her attorney had fired off all of her protective instincts at the same time. She seemed like the type to have a freak fit if someone in her care had any sort of unexpected health issue. “I gave my apartment to the rats. I probably should’ve just fainted. Or screamed. Or done something other than closed the closet door, abandoning my ruined dress to its fate.”

  “Yes. I fully intend to use your rat woes to get my way, but only after we get your harp and paintings and leave them somewhere safe while we shop. I’ll have one of my minions grab some prototypes that should fit you, too. They’ll be prototypes from outfits they don’t think will sell.”

  “Do you have a lot of those?”

  “Unfortunately. Designing is one part skill, one part experimentation, and one part too stupid to know when to quit. So, the failures make good temporary clothes during an emergency. Some of my failures are amazing, but my minions are evil and mean to me often. I’ll give you the amazing failures. Maybe you can convince my minions they should be added to a future line.”

  If I gave her any room to maneuver at all, she’d go overboard, but how was I supposed to rein the crazy woman in? “I feel it’s worth mentioning that I’m not an employee yet, and you’re supposed to give bonuses to people you’ve actually interviewed and have a hiring agreement with.”

  “Oh, I’m hiring you. I’m just evaluating how I’ll get away with it. My minions? They seem to think I can’t just hire whomever I want when I want. I’ll just tack on everything I buy to your hiring bonus. Also, I’m definitely hiring you. There are so many things I can use you for, and I love versatile employees.”

  “You haven’t even seen my resume, Juliette.”

  “I don’t need to see your resume. You worked with Clifford all day, and he fed me intel when you weren’t looking. Clifford has a good eye. And he said you were obviously intelligent and understood how retail works. You get how we have to work with customers, but you also comprehend the way boutiques make profits. That’s the sort of skills I need. I can teach you the rest.”

  “That’s still a terrible way to hire someone, Juliette. For all you know, I’m actually lazy and can’t be bothered to do my job when there.”

  She snorted at that. “Nice try, Lee. I have eyes everywhere, and you’re the kind to show up to cover a co-worker’s shift despite it being your day off, or a half-day, as employers do like making sure your hours bar you from benefits. I don’t think the boutique will be able to strip you of benefits; they started too late, and you work too many hours. When was the last time you worked fewer than full-time hours?”

  “It’s been borderline thirty hours. If they cut a day a week from my schedule, my average should drop to twenty-nine. They’ll have to be careful doing it because I cover too many other shifts. I won’t get those shifts now, probably. I can’t slide in extra hours when I’m directly told to leave. This pay might still be full-time hours—probably, unless I get screwed other days this week. I think.”

  “You’re clever, and you’ve been manipulating hours in such a way it should be hard for your manager to cut your time to part-time. Also, I do not do that to my employees, as all of my employees are salaried. No matter how few hours worked, you will receive full pay, and we pay overtime despite our employees having a salary. Employees stressed about their financial situation don’t work as well. I even give employees a chance to work with financial advisors to help them with their budget and money issues. I mean, there’s only so much I can do, but I do try.”

  “What’s wrong with you?” I asked.

  Juliette chuckled. “Well, I am a little crazy.”

  “A little?”

  “See? This is why you’ll do just fine in my employ. You can handle the crazy. Now, get your keys out, let’s go steal your stuff, and get this party started.”

  Chapter Nine

  Nobody was home. I unlocked the front door and disabled the alarm as I’d been taught. Expecting Juliette to cause trouble for fun, I retrieved my harp, my framed paintings, my new collection of classic artwork prints, the Tiffany box and its precious contents, my new laptop, and a bag for the night. As expected, the woman poked around the living room, moving things around.

  Clarissa’s mother would not be happy when she found her bras dangling from the top of the entertainment center.

  “Why are you decorating the living room with lingerie?”

  “I must spread chaos where I go. I also left a ransom note. She’ll find it when she gets around to taking down her favorite bras from the mantle. You’ve got your paintings?”

  I’d been gone less than five minutes, yet I hadn’t been fast enough to prevent her from creating mayhem. I sighed. “Yes, I’m bringing the paintings. I brought my prints, too. I refuse to live without them. What does the ransom note say?”

  “It says I’m taking their daughter, and they can’t have her back. I left an address where they can deliver all of your things and visit you at reasonable hours.”

  I saw a hundred different things that could go wrong with the note. “Does the owner of the address know you have done this?”

  “He will know soon enough. I thought about dropping your things off at the office, but I changed my mind. I’m going to give him a chance to counter kidnap you. But we might still go to the office first. I’ll decide on the way. I’m very indecisive tonight.”

  “Why would any sane person wish to participate in a counter kidnapping? That I have to ask this question is disturbing.”

  “Why are you assuming he’s sane?”

  “I was hoping.”

  “Sanity is overrated. So are a lot of other things in life. Life is meant to be fun and happy, and that usually means abandoning society’s standards for sanity. But, as I try to be a good person, you want to be the good sort of insane, not the bad sort of insane. The bad sort of insane tries to light her apartment building on fire to kill some rats.”

  “I have been told I shouldn’t light the building on fire, but those rats deserve it. They turned my Prada into a nest. They peed on my Prada.”

  “You’ll have a new perfect black dress soon,” Juliette promised, taking my laptop bag out of my hand along with my night bag. “Lock up the house and set the alarm, and we’ll hit the road and make sure that you’re in possession of a new black dress, a nice new home, and maybe even a new harp. There are a few great used music shops in the area, and there are pawnshops. I have time tonight. I’ll troll as long as you want.”

  “I don’t think we’ll have time for all of that,” I replied.

  “Once you agree to become my employee, we can do this over our lunch breaks and in the evenings until we have completed our mission. I’ll have to pay for all of your indulgences.”

  I did as ordered, making sure I locked and alarmed the house before hauling my harp to the SUV and loading it into the back. “What if I see a brand-new harp I like?”

  “If I took you to a place with a brand-new harp you like, it’s my foolish fault for exposing you to your dream instrument, and it’s only fair I pay the price for my foolishness.”

  “Can we set a reasonable limit as a cap for my hiring bonus? I’m concerned you will do something even more foolish than buying a brand-new harp if left unsupervised. I’m not against a hiring bonus, but it should be a reasonable hiring bonus.”

  “One of my black dresses, a wardrobe suitable for working at my corporation, which I pick regardless of price but within reasonable standards, a harp, and ten thousand dollars to be spent pawnshop and thrift store shopping.”

  I blinked, wondering how I would be able to spend ten thousand dollars at a pawn or a thrift shop. “That sounds excessive. Ten thousand at a thrift store?”

  “Pawnshops can have somewhat expensive purchases, especially if they’re antique instruments. I figure I should be able to get you something nice at a pawnshop for that budget. It would a
lso put you in the same general ballpark for hiring bonuses for new staff expected to work in design. If this living arrangement doesn’t work out, your bonus will be adjusted to help make certain you have suitable living arrangements. I’m very hopeful this living arrangement will work out.”

  “Why?”

  “Opposites attract.”

  Well, that narrowed the field down to almost every single man who had attended the Halloween party. “Rich, lives off a trust fund, possibly a player?”

  “Okay, maybe not opposites attract in this case. While he’s certainly comfortable, he doesn’t live off a trust fund, he isn’t a player, and he’s actually a lot like you. Okay, similarity attracts. We’ll go with that angle.”

  I narrowed my eyes, already regretting my decision to cooperate, and took the front passenger seat rather than retreating back to the safety of the house. “You’re just making this up as you go, aren’t you?”

  “Oh, thank some god out there. Someone on this sweet Earth who finally understands me. In case you haven’t guessed yet, we’re going to be entertained because the target of my plan for your new living arrangements has no idea what’s coming.”

  “I feel like I should somehow find a way to warn this poor man about what you’re planning.”

  “Please don’t. I’m going to blindfold you, possibly tie your hands together, and wait for his reaction. I’ll record it for you since you’ll be blindfolded and potentially tied up. Can you carry your harp with your hands tied together?”

  A smart woman would’ve told the crazy woman no, but I buckled my seat belt and closed the door. Juliette dove into her SUV and locked the door. “Now, you can’t escape.”

  “It’s not a kidnapping. I got into the car willingly. This may count as stupidity, but you don’t get to call it a kidnapping.” I sighed and eyed the unlock button, questioning my sanity. “It counts as a kidnapping when you blindfold me and tie my hands together, but all that stuff I brought with me? I refuse to be separated from it or leave it unguarded.”