by Louise, Tia
“How far are you from home?”
I look at my phone and do some quick mental math. “About one hundred and twenty miles.”
She exhales in my ear. “How long is that?”
“About two hours, depending on traffic and road construction and—”
“You don’t have to go off on male directions versus female.”
I laugh again. She knows me so well. “I’m just saying. Distance is more reliable than time.”
“I’m just making sure we’re still on for our date tomorrow night.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” I think about a place I haven’t seen in a long time. “Is it okay if I hijack where we go?”
She makes a little frustrated groan, and I grin. Everything she says and does makes me smile or grin. Nothing has changed.
“I guess,” she finally says in a pretend annoyed voice.
“I have a surprise for you. I think you’re going to like it.”
Billy’s like a kid in a candy store when he sees the haul in the bed of my truck.
“Man, this is some serious shit.” He picks up the clutch I swiped. “Taylor’s clutch is in good condition.”
“Chuck said some asshole in Atlanta was sniffing around. I figured I’d take what we might need for future jobs.”
He smiles and nods. “Good thinking. Man, I wish I’d gone with you.”
“We’d have bought the whole car.” I laugh, feeling lighter than I have in two days. “Anything happen while I was gone?”
His face turns red, and I grab his shoulder. “What?”
“You’re going out with Drew tonight?” I nod, and he gives me a tight smile. “You’d better ask her about it.”
I have no idea what to expect when I pick up Drew. All I know is I’ve planned an evening for us where I hope all the things hanging over our heads will be forgotten. I tossed a blanket in the bed of the truck in case we want to go somewhere to look at the stars later. In the meantime, I pull up to her house and get out, ready to walk up and knock on the door.
Ready for her father to answer.
I’m lifting my hand when it opens on its own, and Drew swirls out in a chambray dress that hangs mid-thigh with a little belt around the waist. She’s wearing short, brown cowboy boots, and her long hair is in a thick braid over one shoulder with little strands hang around her face.
Her lips are so full and pink. “Hey, beautiful.” I lean down to capture them in a kiss.
She pulls the door closed behind her. “Where are you taking me?”
I glance up at the closed door of the huge mansion. It’s stately red brick with an enormous white front porch and wide white stairs leading down to a circular drive. This fortress was never open to me. I let it go for now. It’s not where I want my head to be tonight.
“I was going to say close your eyes.” Our hands are clasped as I lead her to the truck.
She grins, letting me help her into the passenger’s side. “How long do I have to keep them closed?”
“I changed my mind on that.” I climb in the driver’s side and stretch my arm across the top.
She scoots over to the middle, buckling the lap belt and laying her head on my shoulder. “I don’t mind closing my eyes from here.”
I plant a kiss on the top of her sweet-smelling head. “Your call.”
We cruise through her neighborhood out to the main drag through town, following the road that leads to the Interstate. We go a little farther until the lights of the park brighten the sky.
She sits up suddenly, bouncing around to face me. “Gray!”
“What?” I know she knows where we’re heading, but I’m having fun with her.
“Are we going to…” She looks down at her outfit. “I should have asked what to wear!”
“I think you look amazing.” Catching her neck with my hand I pull her in for another kiss on those pink lips.
“But you’re taking me to The Fun Spot!”
“I sure am.”
She claps and does a little squeal for the ancient amusement park. “I haven’t been there since… hell, I think the last time I was there was with you.”
“I was there with Danny. You were there with the youth group from church.”
“Still, it was our first date.”
We paired up the minute I saw her walking around with Ruby and another girl from her Sunday school class. It wasn’t hard to ride every ride with her, and when we went into the tunnel of love…
“You French kissed me for the first time that night.”
We’re walking fast toward the gate, my arm looped over her shoulders, and I pull her head to my lips. “I almost came in my pants.”
“Probably because I was rubbing you through your jeans so hard.”
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this relaxed. The memory of our first night here is one of my favorites from growing up in this town.
We wait in line for tickets, and once we’re inside, I catch her hand. “First we have to eat something.”
“But not too much. I don’t want to barf on any of the rides.”
I can’t help a laugh. It feels so good. We’re holding hands as we step up to the hot dog stand. I order us two Coney dogs with mustard and onions, and we take them to sit over on a bench in front of the Ferris wheel.
“Still the best hot dog I’ve ever had.” She takes a big bite, and some of the meat relish falls into the paper cup.
A squeal, and I’m touching her chin with a napkin. I take a big bite, and it’s pretty much the same.
“Carnival food is such a mess.” She complains, stuffing the final bits in her mouth.
Her cheeks poke out, and I shake my head. “What would your grandmother say?”
“She’d already be dead seeing me here in a skirt with you eating hot dogs.”
“You’re adorable eating hot dogs.” I catch her chin and kiss her. “Want another one?”
“Not until after we ride some rides.”
She jumps up, and we toss all our trash in the nearby bin before heading over to the roller coaster. The Fun Spot is at least fifty years old, and its one rickety wooden roller coaster looks even older.
“The Wild Mouse is my favorite roller coaster ever!” She drags me to the very back car, and we climb in, lowering the bar across our laps.
“It doesn’t even have shoulder straps,” I complain pushing the bar down as far as possible on our laps.
“Don’t be a baby,” she sasses as we jerk forward, going straight into the ticking uphill climb.
“If this thing flies off the tracks, I’m blaming you.”
We don’t have a chance to say any more. Drew’s hands are over her head, and her eyes are closed as we charge down the hill. She screams, and I’m grinning watching her. The wind catches her skirt and it blows up, and I slip my hand between her soft thighs.
She squeals more, putting one hand over mine while keeping the other in the air. As we jerk around curve after curve, I slide my finger up and down her damp slit through her panties until I feel her thighs tremble.
When we’re done, she leans over to kiss me. “Best ride ever.”
I have to adjust my fly.
Next comes the swings, spinning out and around. I can’t touch her, but I can’t stop looking at her smiling, carefree. I love seeing her so happy. She’s a demon in the bumper cars, hitting me hard every chance she gets. The handful of other customers, a few couples, a few teenagers, stay out of our way.
We pass a family with small children as we walk to get cotton candy. I imagine Drew and me bringing our children here… then all at once the weight of our pending conversation hits me in the chest, killing my joy.
I can’t make plans like that with these secrets hanging over my head. She has to know the truth.
We walk up to the hill at the top of the park, where The Fun Spot is spelled out in big white letters similar to the Hollywood sign. I lead her to sit on a bench overlooking the park. The attendant told us they’d be c
losing at ten, since it’s a weeknight, so I’m worried we’re running out of time.
“Before we go, we have to ride the tunnel of love.” She scoots closer, crossing her legs so her knees touch mine. I see her skirt rising higher.
“I might do more than kiss you this time.”
She leans in to kiss my cheek. “Can we go now?”
“Soon.” I put a hand over the outside of her thigh, and she puts her head against my shoulder.
“You wanted to talk tonight.” Her voice grows serious.
“Yes.” I pause a moment, not wanting to rush this.
My stomach isn’t in knots like I’d expected. I feel calm, ready to have this conversation. I’m putting my cards on the table.
Her finger draws a line up and down my forearm. “Were you lonely in the desert?” A touch of fear is in her tone, but I put that fear to rest.
“Sometimes.” Turning my hand over, I lace our fingers. “It helped that we stayed in touch. We talked almost every night.”
“I lived for those conversations.”
I give her hand a squeeze. “I did too.”
Her eyes are full of relief. “You kept telling me to date other people, but I didn’t want to date anyone. I only wanted to wait for you.”
I trace the top of her cheekbone with my thumb. “It was the one time I was glad you didn’t listen to me.”
“I’m listening now.” Her chin lifts, and her blue eyes are so open, so beautiful.
Clearing my throat, I straighten in the seat, putting both hands over hers.
Time to rip it off, Band-Aid style.
“That last day, when we were ambushed… it was like the blast came out of nowhere.” Taking a beat, I remember that man, his eyes. “Or I don’t know… maybe I should have sensed it coming. One minute we were driving along, the next we were thrown in the air. Almost everyone in the back of the truck fell out. I was trapped in the cab. I’d hit my head on the window. The medics said I had a concussion.”
Mist fills her eyes, and she lifts my hand to her face, clasping it in both of hers and kissing the back of it. “I’m so sorry.”
“I managed to climb out, but it was chaos everywhere. I couldn’t see for the dust and the smoke. People kept running past, pushing. Men were dying all around me… explosions kept going off like aftershocks.”
She holds my hand tighter, her eyes tightening as tears streak her pretty cheeks. Tension squeezes my chest.
“I’m sorry.” I reach out to place my hand on her skin. “I’m not trying to make you cry.”
An inhale lifts her chest and shoulders, and she looks into my eyes. “I can’t imagine you going through something like that. It must’ve been terrifying.”
My eyebrows clutch. “I didn’t feel afraid. I felt… focused, determined. I had to get our guys to safety. I was one of the few still on my feet, even if I couldn’t catch my balance.”
“Because of the concussion.” She reaches out to stroke my cheek again.
I put my hand over hers and bring it to my lap. “My CO needed help accounting for all the men in our company. Many of them were dead when we found them.”
Her shoulders tremble, and her chin drops. “Danny.”
Pulling her to me, I hold her against my chest, kissing the top of her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” She pushes out of my arms, searching for my eyes.
I rise off the bench and step forward, looking down over the glittering lights of the park. “It feels like my fault. Every day.”
She stands beside me, putting her hand in the crook of my arm. We’re quiet, watching the couples below walking from booth to booth. I have to tell her everything.
“A few weeks after it happened, I had this… moment.” Shaking my head, I correct myself. “I still have moments.”
Concern lines her face when she meets my gaze. “What do you mean?”
Turning to face her, I just tell her. “Some nights I’m right back in it. If I’m sleeping, it’s like the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. Running, shouting, violence… I’m fighting.”
“Post-traumatic stress.” Then she pauses. “Only if you’re sleeping?”
“It can happen when I’m awake, if someone surprises me. It’s only been a few times, but I’ve come close—”
“Have you hurt anyone?”
I shake my head no.
“Yourself?”
Again, no.
Her lips tighten and she nods. “I’ve studied PTSD. It will diminish over time.”
My arms cross over my chest, and I walk slowly away from her. “Will it? And how much time? What happens until then?”
She closes the distance between us, putting her hands on my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll help you.”
“It happened Sunday night.”
Her lips part, and she hesitates. “The night you were with me?”
“The night we were in the pool house.”
“I didn’t even know…” She steps away, confusion lining her brow. “Is that why you were gone when I woke up?”
“I was worried…” My throat tightens. “I always worry. What if I—”
I’m not sure I can say the words out loud. The shame of admitting what I might do shoots across my shoulders.
She puts a hand on my side. “What are you thinking?”
My eyes close, and I speak the words. “If I ever hurt you, Drew… if I ever hit you or injured you or put you in danger—”
“No!” She pulls me close again. “You never would. Don’t even say it.”
“I can’t do this.” Pain is in my chest as I confess. “I had to come back, to say goodbye to Danny, but I shouldn’t stay here. I didn’t mean to get so close to you again—”
“Stop saying this. You had to come back.” Her voice breaks. She’s crying, and it’s shredding my insides. “You promised me.”
My arms go around her, and I hold her so close to my chest. “I can’t protect you anymore, Drew. I can’t keep you safe when I’m the one who might hurt you.”
Her small body shivers, and her fingers tighten on my shirt. “You won’t hurt me. You never would. The only way you could hurt me is by leaving again.”
Bowing my head, I hold her as she cries. I breathe in her sweet perfume of flowers, the soft scent of her soap, the warm scent of her skin. It’s a blend I used to dream about at night.
“I need to go back to Dover, see if I can get better, be the man you deserve—”
“No!” She pushes out of my arms, her voice rising. “I won’t hear you say that! All my life I’ve listened to people saying what I deserve, first my father, then these… these women. I know what I deserve. I know what want. You’re mine, Grayson Cole. From the first day when you saved me from that snake to the day you held me when Mamma died and every day after…”
Her eyes flash and tears stream down her cheeks, until her shoulders break. Her hands cover her face, and I scoop her into my arms again, holding her against me so tight.
“Shh.” I kiss her head, sliding my hand up and down her back like I’ve always done. “Stop crying.”
“You’re not leaving me.” She whimpers, her tears staining my shirt. “I waited for you so long. Don’t ever say it again.”
Pain is in my head, and my eyes squeeze shut. Drew holds my heart in her hand. As much as I fear hurting her physically, I can’t stand here and make her cry.
I clear the thickness from my throat. “I’ll do what I can.”
Chapter 27
Drew
Gray leaves me at the door with a kiss and a long hug. I try to make him come inside, but he won’t.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Drew-baby.” He kisses me again, his tongue softly curling with mine, igniting my panties despite my heavy heart.
“Dinner Friday,” I remind him.
He only nods, a slight wince, storm clouds filling his blue eyes.
Walking slowly to my bedroom, I sit on my bed, pulling my purse onto my lap. Op
ening it, I dig around until I find the old memento I’d wanted to show him tonight. I’d carried it the whole time, waiting for the right moment.
It’s the coaster from our last night at the lake house.
The one he signed.
Age has yellowed the paper, and the edges are frayed, but the writing is dark and permanent. The words are an indelible vow I’ve never let go.
All through his years in the desert, all through the dark year, when he disappeared, when I was afraid he’d never come back, I’d look at this aging piece of cardboard and read the words, letting them comfort my broken heart. No matter what, I had his promise.
I wanted to show him tonight.
Instead, I tuck it safely in my drawer again.
Before I close my eyes, I send one last text.
Me: We can get through this.
I don’t know if he’ll respond. I pull the blankets over my shoulder, and I’m just laying my head on the pillow when my phone buzzes.
Gray: Sleep, Drew-baby.
Sleep did not come easy, and I go straight to Dotty holding the coffee when I get to the clinic the next day.
“Oh, great goddess of all coffee goodness.”
She hands me a tall cappuccino with my initial in black on the side. “I put a little cinnamon in it for you again.”
“You’re the queen.” I hold the cup in both hands like it’s my grip on the planet. “Remind me to give you a raise.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Can you do that?”
“I wish.” I sip slowly. “It has to be approved by the board.”
She frowns. “What do I need to do to impress them?”
“When you find out, let me know.”
I’m starting for my office when she stops me. “Hey, I never got to tell you. Gray said something to Dag Saturday night—”
“What time is Riley getting here?” I’m not sure I want to gossip with Dotty about Gray. After what happened last night, I’m feeling pretty fragile.
“She called and said she’s running a few minutes late.” We both check the clock.
“So twenty minutes?”
“Probably.” Dotty enters my office behind me. “It really bothered Dag. He didn’t know if he should tell you or not, but I said yes, he definitely should.”
