by Carrie Pack
“I’m—” I pause and close my eyes. I take a steadying breath. Once I admit this, she’ll know, and that could be it for us. Whatever she thinks of me in this moment could change everything. “I’m… such a loser. I act like I know what I’m doing, but honestly, I haven’t got a clue. And I’m afraid that if I ever show any sign of weakness everyone will know that I’m only pretending!” I cry into my sweaty palm, too ashamed to look Jackie in the face.
A broken laugh pulls my attention back. This is it. Jackie thinks I’m a giant moron who can’t get through a day of school without feeling helpless. I brace myself for the inevitable. I peek through my fingers to find Jackie gazing back at me with a half-smile on her lips and tenderness in her eyes.
“Tabitha, everyone feels that way.”
“Everyone?”
Jackie’s eyes trail skyward. “Well, maybe not everyone everyone, but plenty of people. Me, for example.”
“You? But you’re so confident all the time.”
“Look, I’m just trying to fake it till I make it. Just like the rest of the world.”
“No, Heather, Kate, Marty for crying out loud! They’re all so confident and outspoken.”
“Do you really think that Heather chick is mean to you because she’s confident? Or that Marty never shuts up because she thinks she has something valuable to say? And Kate? Really? With all the causes and shit, I thought you knew she was compensating for something.”
I can’t seem to do anything but blink. Jackie’s words have met my ears but their meaning hasn’t yet made its way to my addled brain. All those girls I look up to, they’re just as scared shitless as I am? I picture Marty on her bed at night writing her woes into a journal, pouring her heart into its pages. Kate, searching a magazine for causes that are “cool.” She picks one that some famous singer champions. Last is Heather. She stands in front of a mirror scrutinizing her body more harshly than she’s ever judged mine. She pinches her side so hard it hurts. She wishes the inches away.
In one surreal moment, it all makes sense. I look at Jackie, who has just bared her soul to me. She had a crush on me and took a chance. She had no way of knowing I’d feel the same way. We’re all the same. I’m normal.
An unbidden laugh bubbles up and then another. I snort. Pretty soon I’m laughing so hard I can’t see.
Jackie’s brow furrows in confusion. “What’s so funny?”
I want to tell her how I had been terrified she’d break up with me because I’m such a loser. How I thought I was the only person on the planet who wanted to disappear. To hide. I want to tell her I’m laughing because I was so afraid I was a freak that I failed to notice how completely ordinary I am. That in my quest to blend, I have achieved ultimate chameleon status. I’m literally just like everyone else.
But I can’t speak. I’m laughing so hard I’ve started crying again and now Jackie is giggling too. When we finally manage to calm down, I’m out of breath. Jackie strokes my arm until my chest stops heaving and I can speak.
I swipe at a stray tear. “God, I feel like an idiot.”
“Welcome to the club.” She holds out her arms and I fold into them, letting her warmth envelop me.
I’m home.
Decked Out No. 7
It’s not selling out if you sleep in the van!
OH MY GRAVY, our band Shut Up is going on tour! I can hardly believe it. We’re like a real band and everything now!!!! It’s only a few shows and we’re playing with two other bands, and most of the gigs are in seedy little dives that I wouldn’t normally be caught dead in, but these are real, paying gigs. Well, if we can get people to show up. So that’s where you come in.
Everyone, load into vans, hatchbacks, trucks, station wagons, your mom’s minivan, whatever you’ve got and get your butt to one of these shows. More if you can. I promise we’ll rock. These are all-ages shows, so bring your little sisters.
And to sweeten the deal, here are the lyrics to our next original song.
xoxo
Cherie
Bite Me (lyrics)
by Marty DeVane and Cherie Wong
It takes a big man to tell a girl no
It takes a hot girl to put on a show
I wanna take you home
I wanna get you alone
But if you want to be with me there’s one thing to know
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
If it’s all right I’ll say so
But if it ain’t on the menu you’re leaving hungry
And I got news for you, you’ll have to go
Bite me
(Bite me yeah!)
Bite me
(Bite me yeah!)
I’m the one who makes the rules
And there’s nothing you can do so
Bite me!
You’ll need a bottle for your baby
You’ll need a leash for your dog
But since I’m neither one, boy, just move it along
And I got news for you, you’ll have to go
Bite me
(Bite me yeah!)
Bite me
(Bite me yeah!)
I’m the one who makes the rules
And there’s nothing you can do so
Bite me!
******** SHuT UP TOUR DATES ********
July 7 - Aurora, IL at The Pit
July 8 - Rockford, IL at Vortex
July 9 - Madison, WI at Red Square
July 10 - Milwaukee, WI at Anne & Franks
July 13 - Dubuque, IA at The Resistance
July 14 - Peoria, IL at The Cherry Bomb
July 15 - Champaign, IL at The Stray Cat
July 16 - Terre Haute, IN at Winkies (18+ only… sorry, this couldn’t be helped)
July 17 - Indianapolis at The Motorhead Lounge
July 21 - South Bend,
IN at Lucky Penny’s
July 22 - Gary, IN at
The Starlight Cantina
July 23 - Chicago at
The Molotov Ballroom
Chapter 10
“And then she says, ‘So, Tabitha, tell me about a time when you were faced with a challenge and how you overcame it.’”
“Again? Ugh! Why do they always ask that question?” Cherie rolls her eyes as I recount my interview experience. I had asked her to help me find something to wear to the interview so I’d promised a full recap.
“No clue, but it’s like it’s a prerequisite or something. I swear they all ask the same stupid questions.”
This was my third interview at the mall and the third time I’d been asked a variation of this question. The first time I bumbled through something about how I didn’t get a bike for my seventh birthday and how I cried to my mom until my grandpa got me a pink banana-seated wonder. Of course they never called me back, so for the second interview I talked about my struggle with chemistry and how I buckled down and applied myself until I brought my C up to a B. I got called back for a second interview but didn’t get the job. “I don’t know, but this time I came prepared.”
“So what did you say?”
“Well, I started with something like, ‘To be honest, I thrive on challenges. I think you can often learn more from failure than you can success, so I try to learn as much as I can from all my experiences.’”
“Nice.”
“Then I gave them some story my mom helped me make up. I asked her what she would say to that question, and she helped me craft something simple but meaningful.”
Cherie grins broadly. “Well, it worked… You got the job!”
“I got the job. Starting Saturday, I’m the newest sales associate at The Place, an ‘upscale clothing boutique’ for people with too much money and no thighs. It pays barely above minimum wage and I have to start out manning the fitting rooms and folding T-sh
irts, but it gets me off the couch and, more importantly, it means I’ll have spending money for hanging with Jackie.”
“That’s faboo,” Cherie says. “So does that mean you’ll miss opening night of our tour?”
“Not a chance. I already asked for that night off. Jackie and I will be there front row, center, and dancing our faces off.”
“I’m so nervous,” Cherie confides. She lowers her head, and her shiny hair falls in her face. “I keep thinking I’m going to hit a wrong note or something.”
“You’re going to do great,” I say, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. “How many songs do you have now?”
“I think we have three that we can play without messing up. Plus the covers. We should have a few more by the time the tour starts.”
“Why don’t you guys do a dress rehearsal? I’m sure we can secure the rec center for another hour after Tuesday’s Riot Grrrl meeting.”
“That’s not a bad idea. I’ll have to see if Kate’s free. She probably has some sort of protest or rally that night.” Cherie rolls her eyes, but I can tell she’s exaggerating for my benefit.
I pick at the edge of Cherie’s bedspread. “So, uh… how is Kate?”
Cherie half-smiles and shrugs. “She’s Kate, you know. Always off on another cause, kind of oblivious to everyone around her.”
“Yeah.”
“She misses you, though.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She told me the other day she wished you hadn’t been a casualty of her ‘exploration of her sexuality’ or whatever.” Cherie sighs and looks at me knowingly. “I think she’d say sorry if you talked to her.”
“Maybe. I’m not sure I’m ready.”
I know I’m over Kate. My heart is completely tied up in Jackie, but I don’t know if I can handle the awkwardness of talking with my ex. Kate broke my heart, and it’s only now that I’m getting the pieces back in the right place. What if she undoes all my hard work?
“I get it,” Cherie says. “I just wanted you to know that she feels awful. She didn’t mean to fuck up your friendship.”
“I know,” I say. And I mean it. Kate is one of those people who can get so caught up in the thrill of the moment that they don’t realize they were the hurricane at the center of it all until they see the destruction at their feet. It’s part of what makes her so intriguing, and I can’t fault her for being exciting. It’s what attracted me to her in the first place. “Kate’s unique.”
“That’s putting it mildly,” Cherie jokes. “So what’s going on with you and Jackie? Everything good there?”
I nod and can’t keep a smile from splitting my cheeks. “She’s amazing. The absolute sweetest person I’ve ever met, and she always wants to know what I think. It’s kind of refreshing after Kate bulldozing me with her own opinions.”
“Girl, I know exactly what you mean. Between Marty, Kate and Venus, I never get a word in edgewise. I’m kind of afraid to tell them I’ve sort of been seeing someone.”
“Who?” I bounce on Cherie’s bed, knocking the headboard against the wall. “Sorry.” I blush hot as I realize my weight nearly put a hole in her wall.
“It’s okay, the frame’s busted on this side. I do it all the time.”
I can’t tell if she’s saving my feelings or telling the truth. So I steer the conversation back to the more interesting subject. “So what’s his name?”
“Mark,” she says. “I met him at Spring Fest during sound check. He plays in that band The Nitwits.”
I suck air through my teeth dramatically. “Unfortunate name.”
“It is, but they have a good sound. Mark says they’re considering changing it to Clancy’s Revenge.”
“Not the greatest name I’ve ever heard, but a solid improvement.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“So did he ask you out or did you ask him?”
“He asked me,” she says, blushing pink with the memory. “Shut Up had just finished our sound check, and he came up to me back stage and said, ‘I like your sound.’ Well, Marty overheard him and jumped in with something like ‘Oh, I bet you think girls can’t rock,’ or some shit, and Venus told her to shut up, and Kate tried to break it up. And by then they forgot all about Mark, and I was left standing there apologizing for my crazy bandmates.”
“Sounds about normal.”
Cherie nods. “Yep. So anyway, he asked me to stay and listen to their check and then he asked if I wanted to get pizza after.”
“Did you?”
“Yeah. Oh, and he’s how we booked the tour. One of the bands dropped out, and they needed someone to fill in.”
“That’s awesome! So is that all you did on your date? Talk about the band?”
Cherie bites her lip. “No. We also made out for like an hour. He’s a really good kisser, knows how to use his tongue but doesn’t get all slobbery.” Cherie’s eyes go wide. “Shit. Is this grossing you out?”
Confused, I scrunch up my face and tilt my head. “No. Why would it?”
“Because you like girls.”
I snort out an annoyed laugh. “And guys. I’m bi, Cherie. I can appreciate a good boy-girl kiss.”
“But I thought that was like… a phase.”
I sigh and playfully smack Cherie on the forehead. “It’s not like I’m a lesbian when I’m with Jackie and straight when I’m with a guy. I can find both guys and girls attractive. And even if I didn’t, you’re my friend and you can always tell me about guys you like, whether I find them attractive or not.”
“I forget that you swing both ways,” Cherie says. “I think it’s because Jackie is so… um…”
“You can say butch. She’s proud of it. And she’s totally gay.”
“Do you, um… like that sort of thing?” Cherie fidgets and stares at a spot on the carpet; she twirls the silver ring she wears on her thumb and doesn’t look up.
Truth is, I don’t know what I like. I’m not sure I have a “type.” I’m not even sure that’s an actual thing anyway. Kate and Jackie are such polar opposites. There’s not much to compare. “You know, I haven’t given it much thought. I just really like Jackie.”
“Yeah, but like, do you think she’s hot?”
“Hell yeah.”
Cherie’s jaw tenses.
“What?”
Biting her lip, Cherie finally looks up. “I guess I’m confused. Or maybe I’m just a complete moron.” She takes a breath like she’s going to continue and then stops. Her eyes dart around the room.
I put my hand over hers to calm her. “Spit it out. I won’t get mad.”
“When I first met Jackie I thought she was so freaking hot. I couldn’t explain it. I mean, I’m straight.” She looks at me, her eyes wide and imploring. When did I get to be the sexuality expert? I’m still figuring out my own hot mess of a life.
I shrug. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past few months it’s that sexuality is pretty fluid. I wouldn’t worry too much if you find another girl attractive.”
“But what if I’m bi?”
“What if you are? Then again, you might be straight. The only person who gets to decide your labels is you. And if you decide you don’t want a label because shit’s confusing right now, that’s cool too. No one says you have to have everything figured out at eighteen, you know?”
Cherie doesn’t look convinced. “Do you think everyone has these kinds of random attractions?”
“Maybe. I only know my experience, and I can remember being fascinated with other girls when I was like six. There was this girl named Renee in my second-grade class. I still don’t know if I wanted to be her or be with her, but looking back I’m pretty sure she was my first crush.”
“Amber Penman,” Cherie mumbles. Her gaze returns to the floor, and she stares down at it, obviously deep in thought.
“Huh?”
“She was my best friend in kindergarten. I was obsessed with her. My mom said I used to kiss her and play with her hair.” Cherie’s eyes grow watery. “That would make so much more sense.”
“Cherie?”
She looks up at me, her eyes swimming, and she says, “Tabitha, I think I’m bi.”
I bite my lip to keep from laughing. It’s not her revelation; it’s the completely astonished look on her face. “Welcome to the club!” I throw my arms around her. Dazed, she reaches up with one arm to squeeze back.
“I’m not going to stop shaving my armpits or anything,” she says.
I shove her shoulder playfully. “I still shave my armpits, you know. But if you decided not to, that would be okay with me.”
“And I don’t think I’m ready to date girls.”
“You don’t have to. In fact, this whole conversation can stay between us if you want.”
She nods slowly. “Yeah, I’m not sure I should drop that bombshell on Mark just yet.”
“It’s probably more of a third- or fourth-date conversation.”
Cherie’s laughter is stilted, but at least she’s stopped staring like a deer in headlights.
“I’m bi,” she says again.
“You’re bi.”
“That was not where I thought today would end up.”
“I bring all the girls out of the closet,” I joke.
“Yourself included.”
“Okay, so tell me about Mark.”
Chapter 11
“So I was thinking,” Jackie says. We’re lying in the tall grass behind my house and she’s loosely braiding my hair. I have a feeling I’m going to look ridiculous when she’s finished, but her nimble fingers feel so soothing on my scalp that I don’t care. “What if we went on tour with the band?”
I twist my neck to see her face, pulling her forward with me when she tries to keep her grip on my hair. “Like actually go on tour with them?”
She tugs my head gently back into place. “Sure, why not? We’re already going to the first show, and we’re practically their roadies anyway. It could be fun.”
