by Breck, A. R.
He shakes his head. “What the fuck happened?”
“A lot.” Lynx chuckles. “There’s not one part of you that isn’t injured, son.”
“What do you need?” I ask. He looks in so much pain.
“I could use a cigarette.” He grunts.
“They’ve let the guys get away with pretty much everything, but for some reason I don’t think smoking in a hospital room will fly.” I lift my eyebrows.
His barely opened eyes fall shut, and my heart thumps in fear. “Aziel? Are you okay?”
One eye cracks open. “I’m fucking tired. And if I’m not going to smoke a cigarette to deal with this pain, I’m going back to sleep.”
“I can go get a nurse.” I step away from the bed, but his hand snaps out and grips my wrist with a surprising amount of strength.
“No.” He says.
“No?” I tilt my head, confused.
He shakes his head ever so slightly. “No. You’re getting in this bed with me because you aren’t leaving my sight. Ever again.” He commands, his raspy voice cracking over his words and barely hanging on.
I look down at my wrist, seeing his shaking hand gripping me with as much force as he has. I don’t know what he’s been through, but my heart cracks at the fear in his voice.
“I’m going to go let the guys know you’re up. We’ll be back later to check on your guys.” Lynx says, walking out after giving Aziel a pat on the shoulder.
He closes the door behind him, which has been propped open since Aziel arrived. It feels weird now, the room feels smaller. The white walls collapse and it’s just Aziel and I.
“I don’t want to say it again, Ivy. I don’t have the energy.” He grumbles.
I toe off my shoes, slipping underneath the covers and hovering under the edge of the bed. This will probably be frowned upon by the nurses and doctors. Aziel is hooked up to more cords than I can count. His leg is propped up in a sling, elevated above the bed.
He grabs onto my hip and pulls me closer with as much strength as he can muster. “I’m not going to fucking break.”
I sniffle. “It kind of seems like you will. You scared me. I thought I’d lost you.”
“I think I scared myself.” He whispers.
“Will you tell me what happened?” I tentatively rest my head against his shoulder. This is the closest I’ve been to him in so long, and I don’t ever want to leave. My body hums from our closeness. My soul quits weeping.
He came back to me.
He shakes his head. “Too much. I swear I almost died. Multiple times.”
A tear leaks out, dropping on his hospital nightgown. “You kind of did.”
He chuckles. “Yeah?”
I frown. “Not funny. How I found you, on the porch. Barely alive. You barely made it many times. On the way to the hospital, during surgery… it wasn’t good. And it’s not funny. I was terrified every day that it would be the last time I saw your face. And then I would’ve never had the chance to tell you…” My chest shakes as I bury my face in his next, inhaling his warmth and everything that is Aziel. I’ll never get enough of him. Never.
“What?” He asks, moving back so he can look down at me. His eyes are slightly more alert. Concern travels through his gaze.
I grip his gown, not sure if I should even speak the words right now, but as they bang at my chest in a fight to break free, I know I don’t have the strength to keep them hidden from him.
“Tell me what, Ivy?” He asks again, his voice hedging on irritation.
I take a deep breath and swallow down the basketball sized lump in my throat. “To tell you that… that I love you. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you. I don’t think I’d ever know real love if it wasn’t for you. You’ve changed me, you’ve protected me, and you’ve given me back a part of myself that I’d lost forever. I love you, Aziel.” My stomach flops, but a part of me also feels relieved that I’ve gotten it off my chest. I’ve been feeling torn inside since Halloween, wanting to tell him the words but feeling like I’d never have the chance.
Then when I lost him, I thought I’d never get the chance.
Now that he’s back, I feel like I need to say them. I don’t care if he doesn’t feel them back. I don’t care if I’m bombarding him. If I never get the chance again, at least I let him know.
I burrow down into him, closing my eyes and hoping to fall asleep.
My hair gets pulled, and my head tilts backwards. My eyes open, and I look into the crystal eyes of Aziel. “You tell me you love me then try to go to sleep? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
My eyes pop wide. “I-I just didn’t want to expect anything out of you.”
He frowns. “So, you don’t care if I tell you I love you or not?”
My eyes go wide. “Of course, I care if you say it, but I don’t want to force you. You’ve been through so much, I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”
He closes his eyes. “You’re pissing me off right now.”
“Why!” I cry out, hysteria gripping me. I’ve only had him back for minutes and he’s already angry with me.
His eyelids pop open, his eyes filled with irritation and hurt. “Because you should fucking care enough to ask for it! Don’t say something like that to me and lay your head down to fucking take a nap! I didn’t hop over the border and almost die for you to brush me off like that. Fucking demand it, Ivy!” He seethes, his voice going hoarse and almost going silent all together.
Tears stream down my face, and my heart rips wide open as I beg him, “Please, Aziel, tell me you love me.”
He brings both hands up to my cheeks, gripping me to the point of pain. “I walked miles, carrying a head, without food or water or shelter. Do you know why I did this?”
I shake my head, silent sobs racking my chest.
“For you, Ivy. Death it nothing when being with you is even a small possibility. I’d do it again, twenty times over, if I can see your face.” His hand brushes my cheek. “Touch your skin.” He shakes his head, like he was reliving a terrible memory. “Death is nothing when I get even a second of life with you.”
I fold over, wanting to curl into his side and cry for the millionth time.
He presses his pointer under my chin and tilts my head up. “I love you, Ivy. More than you can ever realize. Love is something I never wanted or hoped for, but I don’t think you have much of a choice when it falls at your feet. You demanded love, Ivy, in your eyes, how they looked so lost. In your voice that sounded so broken. In the angelic way you move, but with a guard so high I don’t know if I could have ever broken it down. But I did, and I can’t fucking help the love that I have for you anymore. And I’m not sorry for it. Not in the slightest.” He coughs, his entire chest shaking with the effort. He looks absolutely exhausted as he looks up at me. “I love you, Ivy, so fucking much.”
I gasp, shock rolling through me like a tidal wave, even with my hope and need, hearing the words come from his mouth still turn me upside down.
“I love you, too, Aziel.” I press into him gently.
He grips the back of my neck and pulls me down to his lips. I melt into him, letting go of the breath that has been stuck in my chest since Día de los Muertos. It’s like I’m finally able to breathe after all this time. He breathes life into me, and I breathe life back into him.
He’s home.
25
Aziel
My knuckles sinks deep into the cheek of Bronson, our new prospect. His head kicks to the side, spit flying from his lips and onto the ground. I clock him once more with the other hand, just because I’m fucking irritated. And he’s the new prospect. The little shit needs to prove his worth.
With the second hit, he stumbles back, almost falling on his ass if his back wouldn’t have hit the gate.
“Don’t fuck up again.” I growl, nostrils flaring as I point at him.
My anger has been a little unbridled these last three months. Ever since I got home. Not that I’m not happy, because I’m f
ucking over the moon.
I’m home. My boys are home. My girl is here. Lilah is here.
Santiago’s head burned at the stake like a damn tiki torch until it resembled coal.
But as I walk away from Bronson and back towards my bike, the slight limp I try to cover just pisses me off all over again.
The doctor said, because I put pressure on the break for such an extended period of time when my body was already taxed out, I might have minor nerve damage.
He says minor, but when I’m twenty-five years old and limping like a fucking gimp, I am pissed. Not only that, but the numbness and tingling feel almost constant. It makes walking difficult. If I can barely walk, I can’t ride. If I can’t ride, I can’t work.
It’s a circle of shit, is what it is.
The doctor says give it time. I say punch Bronson in the face for being the new guy.
As I’m walking towards the mechanic’s shop, Ivy bursts through the doors with a look of bewilderment in her eyes. “You hit Bronson, again?” She slams her hands on her hips.
I shrug.
Lilah squeezes between Ivy’s legs and brightens up when she sees me. “Dad!” She screams, then her eyes go wide, and she stops. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She looks up at her mom, her dolloped cheeks pinkening in embarrassment. “I mean Z.”
I squat down in front of her, my foot shaking in protest by the pressure of my movement. “Hey, Lilah.”
She looks up at me.
“What did I say?” I say, voice quiet but steady.
She pulls on a curly lock of her hair. “I can call you Dad if I’m uncomfortable with it.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “No, but close. I said you can call me Dad if you and your mom are comfortable with it.”
She looks up at Ivy, and Ivy’s face softens to butter. “I told you Lilah. You do what you want to do, baby girl.”
She looks over to me, a cheeky smile on her face.
“Come here.” I open my arms and she falls into them, giving me a big squeeze with her tiny arms.
“I saw you give Bronson an owie.”
Shame coats my face. But it also doesn’t. If Lilah is going to live here, she’s going to come to realize that I’m not the best man.
We’re not the best people.
Life isn’t just about the flowers she loves to brush against her fingertips.
It’s also about death and blood.
Loss.
I pick her up and stand, my shaking foot straining too much. The tingling becoming unbearable.
“You know, Lilah, sometimes people have to do things that aren’t always good. Do you know that?”
She looks at me curiously. “Yeah, I know. Mommy said that happened in Mexico a lot.”
I nod my head. “Well, I’m not like that. But things aren’t always perfect. Sometimes, we fight bad guys.”
“You’re a superhero?” Her face lights up.
I grin. “Sometimes. But sometimes I’m not. Sometimes people might think I’m the bad guy.”
Ivy opens her mouth to intervene, but I cut her off with a sharp stare.
“I just want you to know that no matter what happens outside of these walls… I’ll do everything in my power to make sure they never touch you and your mom inside these walls. I’ll make sure you guys are always protected.” I bop her nose with my finger.
She giggles. “I know.”
My eyebrows lift. “Oh, you know, do you?”
She nods. “Yeah, because you’re Dad!” She wiggles out of her arm and over to her swing set.
Taking my fucking heart with her.
She’s barely been able to use her swing set during the winter, but now that we’re into April, she’s back to being glued to that damn swing.
“Thank you.” Ivy says, walking up to me and wrapping her arms around my stomach.
“For what?” I lay an arm over her shoulder, pulling her against my side.
“You’re really good with her. It’s got to be awkward, letting her call you dad. You don’t have to say yes, you know. She’d get over it.”
I look down at her with a frown. “Do you have a problem with it?”
She wrinkles up her nose as if she’s contemplating, which only irritates me further. I step away from her.
“You do have a problem with it.” I say with wide eyes, shocked she hasn’t said anything.
She takes a step towards me and grabs onto my shirt in a vice. “Don’t be a fucking dick. I don’t have a problem with her calling you dad.” She huffs, moody and suddenly pissed off.
Good. I am too.
“Well, what’s your problem then?” I growl.
She sighs, running her hand through her blonde hair that now reaches her waist. The blonde waves are always present, always flowing in a mess as it falls down around her shoulders.
“I just—”
“Spit it the fuck out, Ivy.”
She glares at me. “I don’t want you to fucking change your mind about her. Or us.”
What?
“What?” I echo my thoughts, confused on where her own have come from.
“You heard what I said.” She says quietly.
“I know. I actually did hear you. I just don’t understood what I heard. Why the hell would you say something like that?”
“Because it’s true. I need to make sure she’s always protected. Just like you want to do for us, I need to do it for her. Her life hasn’t been pretty, and she’s finally found a home. It would break her if she knew you changed your mind about us.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Have I given you any indication this last year that I’d ever change my mind?”
She shakes her head. “Well, no, but—”
“Exactly. No, I fucking haven’t. So, the fact that you’re even suggesting it is insulting.”
She frowns as she wraps her arms around me. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I just want to protect hers.”
“And I don’t?”
She lets out a huge breath. “I’m sorry, I’m being an idiot. I don’t know why I brought this up. I’m just paranoid.”
“Of what?” I tilt her chin up, watching her blue eyes flicker with uncertainty.
“I love you, Aziel. Every night I go to sleep with you on my mind and every morning I wake up with you on my mind. It scares me, how much my heart beats for you. I can’t help but have a little… hesitation, I guess. Before my head and heart fall any further, I guess I want to make sure you’re in it for good. Lilah deserves to know before she falls in love with you further, too.”
My body deflates. I walk forward, making her back up until her back hits the wall. “Ivy?”
“Yeah?” She asks, suddenly breathless.
“I love you. More than you fuckin’ realize. Your concerns are valid, but they’re unneeded. I’m not fuckin’ going anywhere now or in the future. So, your hesitations and paranoia can go suck a fat dick, because I don’t want to hear about them again. You are my girl, my fuckin’ old lady, whatever you want to call it. And someday, you’ll be my wife.” I point towards Lilah. “And that kid over there, is my kid. Not by blood, not with looks, but right in here.” I pound my fist to my chest. “That’s all that fuckin’ matters. You got me?”
Tears fall down her cheeks as a happy smile breaks out on her face. “Yeah, I got you.”
I bring my hands to her face, cupping her cheeks and covering nearly her entire face with my hands as I tip my head down, crashing my mouth against her. I bite her lip, scraping my tongue against hers as I try to take the worries straight out of her mouth. I’d inhale them if I could, swallow them down and relieve her of the burdens she holds. I know my words won’t take them away. They might lessen them, but she’ll always feel uncertain from the way her life has gone.
Ivy’s hands raise to my hat, flipping it around backwards and setting it back on my head. Her hands wrap around my neck, lacing through the hair at the back of my neck.
I want her. I’ve always wanted her.
“I want you.” I grunt, pressing her against the wall. Our sex life is better now that we live at the house. Lilah has her own room, and I can do with Ivy what I want and when I fucking want.
It only makes me want her more.
“You just had me this morning.” She giggles against my lips.
“So?” I scoff. What the hell does that mean? Once is never enough.
“Z. Church.” Pascal’s voice barks at me. I whip my head towards his, but he’s already gone.
Fucking bastard.
I lean down and kiss Ivy again. Once. Deeply. A kiss that takes and takes and never gives. I’m a greedy motherfucker and I want all of Ivy. Not a fiber of her will go untouched by me.
“Go. You’ll get yelled at.” She whispers, her voice turning breathless. She’s turned on.
“Don’t fuckin’ care.” I press into her again, my hand falling down to her ass and squeezing tightly.
She pushes me away lightly. “You will when you come out of there with a sour look on your face because you want to pound into each of them.”
“I want to pound into you.”
“Stop.” She laughs. “Go, I’ll wait for you.”
I frown, grunting as I give her a displeased look and make my way to church, suddenly angry again.
That’s how my life is. Ivy comes around, my anger fades.
Once she’s out of sight, the wrath is back in session.
I pull a cigarette out of my pocket and spark it up as I walk in the room, shutting the door behind me.
“Want to tell me why Bronson has a fat lip and a black eye? Again?” My dad barks at me before I can even sit down.
I chuckle. “I asked the motherfucker to change the oil on my bike. He tells me later.”
West winces.
I nod at him. “Thank you. Motherfucker says later and doesn’t think he’s getting a fist to an eye. He’s delirious.”
My pops runs a hand down his face. “Did you tell him why you hit him?”
“He should know!” I shout, my hands out in a what the fuck gesture.
He slams his palm on the table. “He doesn’t know, Aziel! You keep fucking hitting him for no God damned reason and he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong!”
