About 10 minutes after they leave, Melody and Diem come out with Jax. They head back to the hotel, and much to Diem’s chagrin, Rebel stays with me with the promise of coming back to the hotel.
We say good night to a half-asleep Jax. When Rebel takes him to hug and kiss him, he clings to her pretty hard. So, we end up going with them with Jax in my truck.
I learned a lot about Skylar tonight. Everything I learned just gives her more depth, and my desire for her grows deeper and deeper the more the four of us talked.
I knew she had a past. We both do, but I thought I knew the majority of hers. I never realized just how much she was suppressing. I knew that day on the boat two years ago was a turning point for her, I just never realized it was a breaking point. A point in which all her walls finally gave way, and I understand better now why it is that she took off on me the way she did. It helps put me on the path to accepting the events that followed with her and Jax and our lack of communication over these last two years. She needed time to heal, to grieve the loss of her father, even if it was 20 years too late.
I never really had time to grieve Jack’s loss. I was too busy trying to be strong for my mother and be what she needed me to be. I grieved my loss of her by putting it all into the Marines. It was all I could do. I knew if I let the loss of my mother cripple me, I would have ended up just like her. Alcohol fueled and drug addicted until I found the strength to end things for good.
It took losing my leg and my friends for me to see I was truly capable of that kind of letting my mind wander to that conclusion. If it hadn’t been for the counselors in the hospital, it’s quite possible I wouldn’t be standing here tonight.
If it wasn’t for them, I never would have recovered from my losses, including Jack and Sarah.
If it wasn’t for them, I would have never found my light at the end of the tunnel, and she’s sitting right beside me.
Chapter 41
Skylar
It took some snuggle time with Jax to get him to go to sleep. I didn’t realize just how much I needed the time with him until he was sound asleep after feeding and we didn’t move. As much as I would like him to fully wean, I can’t deny that I completely adore this time with him. The last couple of days have taken that away from me.
Xavier snuggles in behind me, holding me and Jax
Neither Dirk nor I seem to be in a hurry to move him. We just lie there together. Xavier snuggles up behind me and his arm wraps around both of us. He makes slow, hypnotic circles on Jax’s back.
“Promise me something?” Dirk whispers, interrupting our quiet.
“Anything,” I breathe. My response comes without realizing what I’m getting myself into.
“Promise me that this will never happen again.”
“What?” I murmur as I turn to look at him. His eyes are soft as they meet mine.
“We haven’t exactly been using protection this week.”
“I’m…” I start to argue, but I think better of it. I was on birth control the last time. “I promise,” I breathe.
“Thank you.” He kisses my cheek.
I nod.
We lapse back into silence, and I roll back toward Jax who is sleeping peacefully.
“Want me to put him to bed?” I ask after a few minutes of silence.
“No, I’m not ready to part with him just yet.” he says softly, his hand still making small circles on Jax’s back.
My lips twitch with a half-smile and I look down at his precious, angelic face. I hadn’t really noticed it until now just how much Jax looks like Dirk. There have always the little subtle things I’ve noticed, but the more Jax grows, the more he takes on more of Xavier’s features. It’s not just the wavy hair, but he has Xavier’s grey eyes, and their noses are very similar, and Jax is showing signs of having his strong jaw.
I take comfort from Jax. He’s my gentle reminder of the innocence of life. It also solidifies my driving need to protect him from all the shit that comes with life.
As we lie there, I can’t help thinking and remembering my mother, Erron, Jack, Sarah, and now Kathy.
I also can’t help feeling like shit about the fact that in my haste to keep Jax away from Dirk, I was also keeping him from Kathy and Randy. I know now that keeping Jax from Randy will be impossible. I also can’t help wondering how it is that I can fix this.
Sure, I have no doubt Dirk would pack up and move to New York to be with me, with us. He’s said as much, but I can’t help wondering if that’s really what I want. Kathy is gone, never having met Jax. Randy is here, and Jax has created a bond with Randy already and I’m not sure who I would be punishing more, Randy or Jax, by staying in New York.
But moving to Seattle isn’t exactly easy.
Is it?
Sure, I could sell Rebel Industries.
I could hand over full control of the company to Rachel and step down as CEO, though, I could still maintain ownership of the company, just take a less active role. I could also expand R.I. to Seattle. Work to bring in business here and start working with more West Coast clients.
I need time.
I need to decide for myself that this is the right move for me, for Jax, Dirk, and my company.
Regardless of what happens between Dirk and I, he deserves the right to be near his son, and I need to be able to give that to him in some form or another.
There’s still one rather large elephant hanging over me about making that kind of commitment—the Bearded Bean II and Dirk being its captain. The last thing I want to do is make him give up something I know he loves more than anything, maybe even more than me, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t want to force him to walk away because when he’s bored and miserable, he will blame me.
I can’t help wondering if Randy would pull Dirk into the business side of Bearded Bean. Give Randy someone else to work with him in the office, so to speak. I know Kathy handled a lot of the paperwork associated with the business, mostly the finances. Could Randy take that on and put Dirk in charge of more of the boat-related business?
God, I’m so fucking selfish.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” Dirk intrudes on my thoughts.
“A lot of stuff,” I mumble.
“Like?” he asks softly.
“Like what I’m going to do.”
“I don’t understand,” he admits.
A part of me is being purposefully vague. “Some things I really need to come to my own conclusions and decisions on.”
“That doesn’t give me much to go on.”
“No, it doesn’t, and that’s because I really do need to work this all out in my head, alone and without outside influence.”
He sighs, “Can you give me a hint?”
“New York, Seattle, Jax, Kathy, Randy.”
“Still not much to go on.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just really need to be able to work through it. When I’m ready, I will discuss it with you. Can you accept that?”
“Of course, I can accept that. I just don’t want you stewing on something if I can help.”
I shake my head slightly. “No, you can’t help with this. Not yet anyway.”
He leans over me, his hand coming to my chin and turning me to look at him. “How about I distract you instead?”
I smirk. Then his lips press into mine, and I moan softly. After a couple seconds, I break the kiss. “Let me put him to bed?”
Dirk smiles and releases me, and I move to get off the bed. I’m topless from feeding Jax and knowing Dirk’s going to do his best to distract me, I don’t bother putting my shirt back on. I gently pick up Jax and hold him against me as I carry him into Melody’s room. He stays asleep the whole time, and I stand there for a moment watching him, making sure he stays asleep. When I leave the room, I close the door on Melody’s side of the adjoining doors and then leave my side cracked just a little before returning to my bedroom and Dirk.
Entering the room, I find Dirk sitting on the side of the b
ed missing his shirt.
I drop my pants and panties on my way to the bed. I crawl across it and wrap my body around his. His back to my front. I am equally in love with the man bun he sports frequently as I am in love with having his hair down. I can’t resist so I gently pull the tie from his hair and watch it fall around his shoulders.
“You’re naked,” he breathes.
“You’re not,” I remind him.
He chuckles softly. “I was trying to be a gentleman.”
“Ha!” I chortle. “Since when?”
He slowly shakes his head, lowering it and laughing softly at the same time. “Always, girl. Always a gentleman.”
“Then show me how a gentleman treats a naked lady,” I coo.
He turns on me, pushing me onto the bed and claiming my lips with his own. I moan softly into the kiss and wrap my arms around him. His hair provides a curtain of invisibility around us until he shifts. His fingers trail softly down my body, making my nipples pebble and goosebumps surface in his wake. A meaty, manly palm cups my mound. Slightly calloused fingers find my clit, and my back arches with the contact. I break our kiss. “Xavier,” I breathe like a wanton slut. A warm, wet mouth finds its way down my body. The heat of his tongue sears into me as he licks my nipple then sucks it into his mouth. I put my hand in his hair so I can hold him to me. His mouth sucks harder, and his tongue flicks against the tight peak. He releases it with a pop, and the rush of blood sends a wave of need coursing through my veins. He repeats on my other nipple then he’s descending down my body with warm open-mouth kisses. His hair brushing along my body is a soft contrast to the prickliness of his beard against my skin. Finally, he’s face-to-face with my wet center.
I adjust so that I’m propped up by my elbows so that I can look down my body to his beautiful face. His gray eyes are on me, intense and needy, his look matching my own.
“Please?” I beg softly.
The corners of his eyes crinkle with a smirk I can’t see. Hot air slides over my sex as he breathes against me. He inhales my scent, and his eyes roll up. Xavier surges forward and his hot mouth wraps around my clit with gusto. My entire body trembles at the sensation.
“Oh god,” I moan and slide my hand into his hair. Using my leverage, I start to grind against him. Silently begging him to suck and lick harder.
Words don’t need to be exchanged. He catches my neediness and starts to lick and suck my clit like it’s everything, and sooner than I think possible, he’s tipping me over the edge for the first of many, much-needed orgasms.
Chapter 42
Xavier
“Why not wait?” Rebel asks Randy. “She loved the whales. Why not wait until next year when they migrate again?”
Randy sighs. “Because she deserves to be at peace. And,”—he gives Rebel a very pointed look—“you’re here now.”
She cocks her head at him. “Do you honestly think I wouldn’t come back for that?” Her voice betrays her, and her pain at his assumption rings loud and clear.
Randy frowns at her. “I believe you would. But I also believe that waiting until next year means that I cannot put her to rest until then. It will feel like I haven’t been able to let her go. I will feel like I cannot heal.” Tears well in his eyes and he tries to blink them back.
“Okay,” Rebel breathes, relenting to his choice to put Kathy to rest today, in Puget Sound.
Today was way harder on me than I expected it to be. Putting Kathy to rest was a very surreal reminder of when my mother died. Though Kathy was surrounded by more friends, family, and people who loved and cared for her than my mother was.
When she died, there was no one, besides Randy and Kathy. In the years leading up to her death, she alienated everyone. Stopped calling people, stopped returning their calls. Constantly turned down invitations to events. Eventually the calls stopped and the invitations quit. She never attended a single funeral for any of the other crew members and she refused to show her face at any of the anniversary events.
Because of her, I didn’t attend one until after I returned home from the Marines. She wouldn’t take me and then when she was gone, so was I. I returned to Seattle right after the eighth anniversary. It bought me another year and I attended the ninth and have attended almost every year since.
I missed the sixteenth year because our season was going poorly and I couldn’t afford to stop fishing and return to Dutch. It’s the one and only time one of Bearded Bean’s boats didn’t make it back. It took us three more weeks to finish out the season and we were the second to last ship in the fleet to finish that year.
I pull the beer bottle to my lips, take a long pull, and swallow it slowly. I tap it against the arm of the chair I’m sitting in. I’m upstairs, on the patio overlooking the water. The sun sits well below the horizon but there is still a slight glow off in the distance as it sets further.
I left Rebel and Jax up at Randy’s house a couple hours ago. I wanted to give her and chance to hang out with Randy for a while. It seems like every time she’s tried to spend any time alone with him there was always someone else there. Randy’s brother and his wife are visiting with some of their friends and Rebel didn’t want to leave Randy alone for too long.
As the day progressed, Randy seemed to be feeling a little better. A little more animated as he chatted with people who came to say their good-byes and pay their respects. Danny, Diem and I managed the grill and the food. There was so much food left over that Randy sent most of it home with his guests. Though Skylar insisted he keep some of it for himself. Against his better arguments, she made up several plates for him and put them in the fridge and freezer so that he wouldn’t have to worry about cooking for himself for a while.
I take another long pull off my beer then notice it’s nearly empty, so I down the last of it and put it into the carton and grab another one. I pop the top off and take another swig. I light a cigarette and pull in a long drag and blow it out slowly.
I rub my chest.
My heart hurts.
The memorial service is done. Skylar is running out of reasons to stay, and I have a sinking suspicion that she’s going to leave sooner rather than later, and I really don’t like being away from her right now. I know she can’t stay here forever. As much as I want her to, she has too many things going on back in New York to just stay here. She needs time to deal with her life in New York, and I need some time to take care of shit here before I can go to her.
Besides, business is the last thing on Randy’s mind right now, which means we can’t discuss anything to do with Bearded Bean II until he’s had a chance to grieve or until he feels like dealing with the business. Which means, there’s a really good chance I’ll be up in the wheelhouse for king crab season in a couple months. If nothing else, to train a replacement. Unless we can find an existing captain in need of a boat. Which won’t be hard to do. There are always captains looking for boats to run. I don’t have the authority within Bearded Bean to make that kind of decision on my own. I can interview and recommend captains for Randy to hire, but ultimately it is up to him who takes it over. Dribbler is more than qualified—he’s my replacement and backup as it is. I’m just not sure he’s ready for the stress of running a boat full-time. He’s more than capable of doing it. I just need to…
“Xavier?” Skylar hollers.
I take a deep breath, the ache in my chest subsides a little as I stand and walk on the patio toward the dock. I look over the railing to see her standing there looking at the boat. The ache disappears completely when her eyes roam over to me. Her face lights up in a big, bright smile.
“Can I come in?” she asks.
I smile. “Of course, the door is unlocked.”
She nods excitedly and moves toward the other end of the boat. I stay put until she disappears onto the deck.
I grab a chair for her and set it next to mine and I sit back down, waiting for her while I smoke. I am hoping she’ll stay for a while. I get the impression that’s the plan because she doesn�
�t have Jax with her. She doesn’t have much of an excuse to leave, right?
“Hey,” she says as she steps out onto the porch.
“Hey,” I say absently before taking a long swig of my beer.
“Got another one of those?” she asks as she takes a seat.
I reach into the carton and pull one out for her. She doesn’t hesitate to pull the top off and take a big long swig. “I hope you have more than this?” She observes the nearly empty six pack.
I smirk. “I do. I have other stuff too, if you’d prefer.”
“This will do, for now.” She lights up her own smoke as she stares out over the water.
There are probably a million and one things I want to say to her right now, but I don’t want to say any of them. Saying them means I bring to light the fact that she’s likely leaving soon, and I don’t want that.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I blurt.
Her head snaps in my direction. “What makes you think I’m leaving?”
“Because, Rebel, you always leave,” I say bitterly.
“You know I have to go back. We’ve already talked about this.”
I sigh. “I know, I am just not ready for you to leave.”
“Well, you’re going to have to get ready for us to leave. We’re leaving tomorrow.”
I close my eyes. “I could have gone all night without knowing that,” I grumble.
“Would you rather I just left like I have in the past?”
“God, no,” I snap.
“I’m sorry that I have to leave, but you know you can come with me,” she offers.
“I can’t leave Randy like that, not right now,” I whisper.
“I know,” she murmurs. “Danny is staying for at least a week. You could come to New York for a little while or until Danny is ready to leave.” She takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, “I could give Melody some time off, and you could stay with Jax.”
Always Love Me: A Standalone Second Chance Romance Page 32
