by Claire Angel
“Darling, why are you so angry with me?”
Her question came out of left field and hit me squarely between the eyes. I didn’t know why she asked me that. Could she possibly have been that blind?
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
“It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to figure that out, my darling.”
“Stop calling me that! It’s too little too late. Where were you when Dad was beating the shit out of me?” Rage poured out of me like a wave, and I couldn’t stop it.
My mother had tears in her eyes. I could see she wanted to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. When she eventually spoke, she looked like a defeated woman. Her apparent weakness irritated me even more.
“There’s so much you don’t know, Jayde.”
“So tell me. Why didn’t you protect me?”
“Whenever I tried, he would beat me. When you ran out of the house, he would turn his anger on me. I wanted to help you, but I couldn't. It was bad enough with me there. I couldn’t imagine what you would have to go through if he accidentally killed me. Or worse, on purpose.”
“Why didn’t you leave then? You could have taken me and left, but you stayed because you loved him more than you loved me,” I said, glowering at her.
“It wasn’t that simple. I tried once, but never again.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because he gave me the beating of my life and said he would kill us both. He meant it, too. I couldn’t let him hurt you that way, Jayde, so I stayed and took the beatings. I’m sorry, my darling. I tried my best.”
I sat there, stunned. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. The pain and fear in her eyes told me all I needed to know.
“He tried, you know. To kill me,” Mom whispered as she stared into space. “He put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger, but it jammed—thank God. After that, I tried my best to placate him. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t do more to protect you, my love. I did what I thought was right.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, Mom?”
“Your father was a very scary man. When we were dating he was completely different. Kind, loving, gentle. As soon as he put the ring on my finger, he showed his true self. By then it was too late. I was pregnant with you, and I couldn’t risk losing you.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I wish you would have told me.”
“What could you have done? I didn’t want to add more fear and pain to your already tenuous life. I’m so sorry, Jayde.”
“Why didn’t you leave him after I left home?”
“He swore he’d find you and kill you. I couldn’t risk it.”
My mother looked like a defeated child. For the first time in my life, I noticed how small she was. My father was a tall, strong man. I could imagine the safety she’d felt when she married him suddenly turning to violence. I felt shame.
“Please don’t be sorry, Mom. I just wish you’d told me sooner. I would have helped. I thought you didn’t love me.”
“Didn’t love you? Why did you think I stayed? If it wasn’t for you, I would have left. But he was a cop, so where could I go without him finding me and dragging me back? I couldn’t report him, because he was someone completely different at work. His buddies thought the sun shone out of his ass. I knew they’d never believe me, so I kept silent.”
“Bastard!”
“He’s dead now. I don’t want to waste another second of my life talking about that man. My only wish is to spend time with you. I’ve lost so much of you, already. I don’t want to lose any more.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do, Mom. I refuse to let that evil man keep us apart any longer. After the funeral, we’ll sell this shithole, and you're moving out of here, start fresh.”
“I don’t think I’ll get much for it,” Mom said, as she looked around at the immaculately clean but threadbare furnishings.
“Then we’ll leave it for the rats to have. I promise, you won’t have to spend any more time here in this prison. I’ll take care of you.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask, I’m insisting. Get your things together, and the day after the funeral, you’re leaving this place and all the terrible memories behind.”
“My darling child. I’m so proud of you. You achieved what I never could. Independence, freedom. You are an amazing young woman.”
“So are you. It’s time you know your strength.”
I stood up and went over to her. I pulled her to her feet and hugged her. She cried softly in my arms. My mother loved me. That’s all I could think of. She truly loved me.
“Come eat, you two. I made my famous lasagne. Come and get it while it’s hot. You two are way too skinny anyway,” Aunt Becky called to us.
Chapter 20
AIDAN
The cabin was quiet. After a very long and busy day on the slopes, the gang faded pretty quickly when we got home. I sat by the fireplace, my new happy place, and sipped on a brandy. I hadn’t heard from Jayde, and my heart was heavy.
“What are you doing sitting here in the dark?” Joey startled me.
“Don’t you know it’s dangerous sneaking up on a guy?”
“Oh, please. What are you gonna do to me, Rambo?” he said, then chuckled.
“I could teach you a lesson and kick your ass.” I smiled back.
“In your dreams. Anyway, you haven’t answered my question. Why are you staring into the flames like a zombie?”
“Just thinking.”
“About Jayde,” he said. It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah.”
“What did I miss?”
“I think I may have fucked up, Joey. Time will tell.”
“Oh shit. Let me guess, you shagged her.”
“Sounds a little crude, but yes. We made love.”
“That’s what you’ve wanted for two years, bud. What’s the problem? She laugh at your small weeny?”
“Fuck off. No, I don’t think she was ready.”
“You don’t know that. Besides, if you don’t show her how you feel about her, how is she supposed to know? She's a magnificent woman, but she’s no psychic.”
“I was going to tell her. Then she left before I could. Now I’m wondering if I made a mistake. I don’t want her to think it was just a holiday fuck.”
“Well, then there’s only one way to fix it. You have to tell her. You don’t know how she feels about you. Don’t make assumptions. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. Shit man. For someone who’s achieved so much, you sure are a dumb son of a bitch when it comes to women.”
“You sound like my mother,” I said.
“Your mother is right. Grow a pair, dude.”
“I’m not afraid of telling her. I just need to do it at the right time. I’ve waited this long, a few more days won’t hurt. Besides, she’s burying her father. How selfish would I be if I dropped the bomb now?”
“Okay, I get that. But don’t wait too long, Aidan, or she’ll move on and you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life.”
Joey was smart for such a goofball. That was why he was my best friend. He didn’t care about hurting my feelings. He told me the truth whether I was ready to hear it or not.
“And now for something completely unrelated,” I said. “When did you get your hooks into Cassandra?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He grinned.
“Come on, spill it.”
“The last time we were here, we ended up talking after you left. I’m not sure exactly how it happened but I found myself missing her company the next day.”
“So he is human after all,” I commented.
“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, the more time we spent together, the more we realized how much we had in common. So here we are. She’s a cute Sheila, smart as a whip too. I thought I was quick on the draw, but she puts me to shame.”
“She must be quite a woman to tame the horndog Joey.”
“Okay, hold on now, no one said anything about t
aming me. I got this, buddy. I can call it whenever I want to.”
“Yeah, that’s how all the greats fall. They lie to themselves and their best friends!” I laughed as he pulled a face.
“You’re such a smartass. Now go to bed! More skiing tomorrow. I’m thinking we jump into that jacuzzi of yours after. My Cass has a great ass.”
“That’s it. I’m going to bed,” I said.
“Sweet dreams, bud,” Joey called after me.
“Shut up.”
Upstairs in my room, I thought about what Joey said. He wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t wait too long to tell Jayde the truth. Our friendship meant a great deal to me, and nothing kills that as fast as a roll in the hay.
I looked at my watch. It was 11:39. I wondered if she was awake. I decided to take my chances and dialed her number. That was after all what friends did. They checked on each other when something awful happened. The phone rang a few times, and I was about to end the call when Jayde answered.
“Hi, Aidan,” she answered.
“Hello, there. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, sorry I haven’t called yet. Lots going on this side.”
“No problem, just thought I’d check up on you. How’s your mom?”
“Good. I’ll tell you about it when I see you. It’s been a hell of a day. What are you guys up to? Is Joey there yet?”
“Oh, he’s here all right. And guess who’s here with him?” I said.
“That’s not a fair question and you know it. It could be anyone from a pop star to a famous actress to a school teacher. He doesn’t exactly have a type.” I knew she was smiling on the other end of the call.
“Fair point. He brought Cassandra with him.”
“Cassandra from the hotel?” she said with surprise in her voice.
“The very same.”
“Not to be rude, but she seems rather tame for him.”
“Apparently not. Seems under all that breeding and quiet charm, the woman knows her stuff when it comes to rascals like Joey.”
“I didn’t see that one coming.”
“None of us did.”
“What’s she like?”
“Very nice, actually. Joey will deny it ‘til the day he dies, but I can tell he’s quite taken with her.”
“Probably because this one has an IQ bigger than her bra size.”
“Shots fired!”
“You know I’m right.” She giggled.
“Spot on, actually. Anyway, when’s the funeral?”
“Next week. I’m glad I’m here to help my mother.”
“Why wouldn’t you be there for her?” I asked.
“Let’s just say they aren’t my favorite people. Or at least my mother didn’t used to be. It’s been an eye-opening day.”
“You must be exhausted, Jayde.”
“I am. How’s the mood over there?”
“Boisterous. Gilly misses you a lot.”
I knew saying that was a cop-out. What I wanted to say was that I missed her most of all, but it wasn’t the right time.
“I’m sorry I had to leave so suddenly.”
I wondered what she meant by that. Was she sorry to miss the fun with friends, the skiing, or was she sorry she had to leave before we could discuss our night together?
“That’s okay. You had a hall pass.”
“Interesting way of putting it, but thanks.”
“I’m going to hit the hay. I can’t keep my eyes open much longer. Joey and Marco punished us on the slopes today. If tomorrow is anything like today, I may have to break one of my skis ‘accidentally’.”
She laughed, and the sound of her laughter warmed my soul.
“I’ll see you soon, Aidan. Thanks for calling.”
“Of course. See you.”
And then she was gone.
I lay down and tried to sleep. There was nothing I could do about Jayde at that moment so I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to distract me from my frustration.
Chapter 21
JAYDE
I couldn’t fall asleep after I spoke to Aidan, despite my exhaustion. I had a sense that he wanted to tell me something. I knew what it was. He had ‘buyers remorse’. After having sex with me, he didn’t know how to let me down easily. My father’s untimely death must have ruined his chance to explain to me how we were such good friends, and he didn’t want to jeopardize that, blah blah blah. The kind of thing men said and sincerely thought women bought it.
I didn’t think there would be more than a moment of lust between us anyway. We’d known each other for so long, I guessed it was only natural to be curious. It was inevitable, really. They said that men and women can’t be friends. Platonic friendship was a myth, they said. I guessed they were right.
If he saw more in me than a happy ending, surely he would have said something over the phone. His awkward silence told me everything I needed to know. I had to put on my big girl panties and get on with it. It worked out better, me leaving so suddenly before he and I got deeper into the sex trap. As it was, it felt like we were tiptoeing around each other.
Relationships! A fucking nightmare. The women in my family had a piss poor track record when it came to choosing the right men. Aunt Becky was the only one of Mom’s four sisters who chose to sidestep the relationship pothole. She looked happy enough. I guessed I would follow in her footsteps and be the cliche with ten cats and a large ass. Ugh!
I was still getting used to not hating my mother. It felt foreign. After nearly twenty years of believing a lie, I wasn’t sure what to do next. First and foremost, I felt guilty, then I had regrets over losing so much time with her. I was thankful that we had an opportunity to make things right between us. I thought it only right to focus my energy on her than to selfishly dwell on Aidan and the relationship we had or didn’t have.
Great! Just as I got my mom back, I lost a good friend. Fate was a fickle bitch. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and get some sleep. The next few days would be taxing, both physically and emotionally. My mother was a saint for arranging a funeral service and proper burial for my father. I didn’t know if I would have the grace for such an unselfish, forgiving act.
I lay in my immaculately furnished room, in my loft paradise, and suddenly I felt like a horrible bitch. All the time I was living the high life, in the lap of luxury, my mother was suffering at the hand of a cruel bastard. She did it for me. I would make things right. I promised myself that she’d never spend another day wanting either love or money. I had plenty enough for both of us.
Sleep came unexpectedly. When I opened my eyes again, it was 7:30 in the morning. I reminded myself that the previous day wasn’t a dream. I had a knot in my stomach thinking about Aidan. Why did he have to be so perfect? I wished he’d been a complete asshole, that way I could shake him off and move on with my life. But he was perfect and he didn’t want more than friendship. I went into it with open eyes, so any regret was on me. There was no point in crying over spilled milk.
I called Gilly. I missed having her with me, especially seeing as I had to face the shit storm all by myself. I wondered what she'd say if she knew about Aidan and me. I contemplated telling her over the phone, but that was unfair to Aidan. I didn’t want her to kick him in the balls when they were all enjoying such a well-deserved holiday. No. I’d wait and talk to her when she got back home.
After my trusty cup of coffee, I had a soak in the tub and got dressed. Then I left to see Mom.
***
AIDAN
It was the morning of the funeral, and my thoughts were with Jayde. I wanted to be with her on such an awful day, but she’d asked me not to. I didn’t want her to have to deal with any more than she could handle, so I stayed away.
The week in Aspen was pretty shitty after she left. The rest of the gang enjoyed it thoroughly, and I had quite a job hiding my disappointment and frustration. I was back home, and try as I might, I couldn’t get my mind off Jayde.
I needed to keep busy, so I went to the office to see how t
hings were going. I was sitting at my desk when my PA busted me.
“What are you doing here?” Brenda scolded. “You should be on holiday.”
“Yes, yes, I know. But I couldn’t stay away. I missed you too much.”
“Oh, nonsense, you fibber. You’re an incurable workaholic. What are we going to do with you?”
“You can give me a rundown on what I’ve missed, for a start. The rest we’ll figure out as we go along.”
Brenda shook her head and went to her desk to fetch her notebook. Then she sat across from me and typed away furiously.
“Okay, the deal with the new company in Spain is coming along swimmingly. Their directors are coming across in a month’s time to meet with management.”
“Great.”
“Greg has everything in hand down at the coalface, and there aren’t any crises at our offices in Europe. The French office is blazing ahead with the merger with Chabanel, and the conference in Cairo has been postponed for two weeks due to operational hiccups they’ve had. So all in all nothing to report.”
“It sounds like you’ve been a busy girl, Brenda.”
“That’s why you pay me the big bucks.” She smiled. “Now, go home, or go out to lunch with a pretty girl, or whatever else you need to do to relax.”
“Well, if you put it like that, I’ll get out of your hair.”
“Good. I don’t want to see you for at least another week, bossman.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She winked at me, then left my office. I wanted to drive over to the Catholic church where Jayde and her mom were saying their final goodbyes to her Dad. It took a lot of discipline not to. Joey was away, off to some far-flung business client. Dan and Gilly were back in the swing of things. Marco and Lola were in Vegas, and Cassandra was, once again, holding court at the hotel. I seemed to be the only one roaming around like a lost fart. I wasn’t a hermit, but with my work schedule, I didn’t have much time to forge friendships. Not that it bothered me much—I was very comfortable in my own company. Must have been an only child thing.
But, sitting at my desk, trying to decide on the best way to keep myself busy, I was struck by the emptiness of my personal life. I’d spent the past year obsessing over Jayde, loving her from afar. That kept me from exploring romantic relationships with other women. Now I’d cocked up my friendship with the woman I loved and ruined my chances of telling her how I felt about her.
